Tigerland

THE QUIBBLER

PUBLISHING IMPORTANT STORIES THAT THE PUBLIC NEEDS TO KNOW

VOL 12, NO 5 OCTOBER 2003

TIGERLAND: DON'T GO THERE! IT'S A WILD PLACE OUT THERE!

In the past, rumors of the existence of a country known as Tigerland were merely just tales for the common folk. Until recently, no one has ever believed of the reality of such land on the face of the earth save for one person. Tigerland has just been discovered and the new country turned out to be a wild place for any foreigners wanting to dwell within the medium-sized nation. Some of us went there to investigate the mysteries of Tigerland and have returned back to England with incredible and unbelievable first-hand accounts. The mysteries of the existence and the lifestyles of Tigerland are revealed here, exclusively in The Quibbler. In this edition of The Quibbler, RONALD B. WEASLEY provides the very first account of his recent travel and his investigations of Tigerland.

My wife, Luna, recently read a book mentioning the legends and the myths of the so called place, Tigerland. The book that she read contains a page - a map detailing the location of Tigerland. I was quite annoyed for a short time. She was laughing over and over again about the essay on Tigerland. Luna believed of the existence of such place while I did not. Eventually, this irked her so much and she challenged me with a wager of five-hundred galleons that Tigerland did exist. The wager also included a clause that I would come back to England here, alive and in one piece.

Eventually, I accepted her wager and spent a few days making arrangements of transportation to reach this so-called Tigerland. As to help me out during my travels, I brought along my reluctant brother-in-law, Draco Malfoy (my littler sister, Ginny's, husband) for the trip. We estimated that by traveling across the Atlantic Ocean via ship, we could reach Tigerland in approximately fifteen days. The journey towards the destination went uneventfully, except on day eight went a storm broke out in the middle of the night. Although both of us managed to survive the storm, Draco was not fortunate. He had a slight fever and suffered stomach nausea with a severe headache for the next three days. Thankfully, he recovered fully by day twelve.

On day fifteen, we reached a land whereby we saw various buildings with a mixture of modern and ancient Asian-designed ones. There were even skyscrapers on that land itself! On the north coast of this land, there were many factories, and buildings containing many chutes emitting black smoke. The skyscrapers occupied somewhere around the middle of the land. The southern region was more or less a suburb type. It did not contain tall buildings. Instead most of the structures there were either houses or temples. The docks where we would dock our ship were modern in design. We believed that the reason of its appearance was to create the feeling for foreigners that the place was not hostile.

Well, Luna won the bet. I've got to pay 500 galleons for the wager.

To cut short of time and to provide more space for this article, here's our summary of the discovery of Tigerland:

Hierarchy and Social structure: Tigerland is an autocratic nation. This means that they imposed strict laws to be observed by every citizen at all costs. However, they would also be given a chance to voice and provide their expressions when necessary via legitimate forms of media, provided that they do not exceed the limitations of free expression. Anyone caught spreading discord among the public would be sent to the wild tiger's den for...umm...to be eaten alive! God! This is crueler than having criminals sent to Azkaban! I've heard that this sentence applies to anyone caught of treason or murder at all degrees. No parole and mercy is given to those victims! Please...I want to stay alive!

This nation is ruled by an autocratic ruler that goes by the name Imperial Autarch Sejanoz. His residence is in the form of a majestic palace on the west coast of the nation. People there told us of weird stories about this guy. They say that the Autarch only comes out at night. In national, religious and official occasions, he would appear on board a magical chariot. This guy's physical appearance is fearsome! A man showed me a picture of the Autarch and this guy's sheathed from neck to toe in black and gold armor with a big tiger's helm concealing his face. Attached to his hand were sharp needle claws. I don't know what the claws do but the man added that this guy has been ruling this nation for about 3000 years or so. This could mean one thing: The Autarch's a vampire and it seems that he loves capital punishment so much that he wants blood from those who are about to be executed! As far as I can remember, a vampire needs an adequate supply of blood to stay alive.

Along with the Imperial would be the ministers led by a Prime Minister. The Prime Minister's name would be Tiger Ali Singh. It's said that this guy's wearing pretty and a party lover. He's a master gambler and would smoke 10 cigars a day! This guy's crazy, but they said that he had an effective leadership, right? The most fearsome of all ministers would be the Defence Minister that goes by the name of Batista. That guy's an animal and he would be the one that people would fear the most. You know why? They said that if he's displeased with someone, he would break someone's backbone, leaving them crippled! I can't walk if this guy's trying to break my bone, unless other people send me to St. Mungo's!

To make things bad for my investigations, it turns out that every citizen has to wear a ring with a tiger's emblem etched on it. Anyone found not wearing that ring would be executed immediately; shit, it means sending them to the tiger's den! Citizens here do have different jobs. Secret agents are also blended in the public, but they can be easily identified by the turban worn on their heads. The majority of them work as factory workers in major car factories. No wonder there's plenty of Cheetahs and Jaguars here all the time!

National Anthem: The national anthem of the country would be Evolution. It's some kind of song that a young man told me is heavy rock. Is it the rock's heavy? Some people out here are quite irked by its lyrics! You better read this:

Evolution is a mystery

Fool a change that no one sees

Clock makes a fool of history

Yesterday's too long ago

Don't agree with what I know

Tomorrow becomes a place to be

I've seen the line in the sand

Time to find out who I am

Looking back to see where I stand

Evolution, Evolution

Seeing my reflection change

Nothing ever stays the same

But you know the names, The Game

We all know what it means

Nothing ever what it seems

Unforgiven, unforseen

Evolution

I've seen the line in the sand

Time to find out who I am

Looking back to see where I stand

Evolution, Evolution

(Author's Note: This is actually from the song by Motorhead)

The first time that I heard this song, Draco fell to his knees. He couldn't stand it! Neither could I. Anyone found not showing the respect to the song would be executed - same way: the person gets sent to the tiger's den.

Transportation: When we went touring the nation, only two types of cars were driven: A Cheetah and a Jaguar. I mean no other transports are used here, even my buses like the Knight Bus! I think there's no Floo Network or Portkey or Apparition here too. Draco went bonkers when I found out that they use only Muggle vehicles out here.

Meals: To our horror, we discovered that people here don't eat vegetables! They only eat meat, at least three servings a day! Alternatively, people do eat Frosties - a special kind of cornflakes with tiger essence in it. They sometimes take Frosties for breakfast. For drinks, only one drink is served here: Tiger Beer. I tried asking for other drinks, like Fizzies, and people said that other drinks are banned here! What kind of country is this!?

Medicine: The nation uses one medicine: Tiger Balm. It's some kind of cream that people use externally. People here believe that this balm cures every disease known to humans. If the doctors cannot treat a person, or there's no cure to the disease, they just leave those poor fellows to die! At least there are potions for all diseases in St. Mungo's, here is worse!

Religions / Culture: To the southern side of the country, there are many temples, temples dedicated to the Tigers, Puma and Cheetahs. These animals are holy figures in the nation and hunting's strictly outlawed here. People here only worship these animals as their gods! We've heard that anyone attempting to hunt these animals would be executed immediately on sight (militias shoot them!). Not event one church exists in here. At one time during the tour, I saw people get fried by some kind of red jet light emitting from the tiger's head shrine! Good God, what happened?

Defense: Whoa, the defense here is awesome! Our tour guide took us around and showed us that there's a big number of Tiger Tanks (big, Muggle vehicles) out there. Apparently, the technologies of these tanks were inherited from Germany. The militiamen here are dressed in ancient looking uniforms. Everyone carries a steam projectile metal wand (or guns, as Muggles call them). Other weapons available in the country's arsenal include fully automatic rifles and handguns directly imported from Germany. The military here uses Opal trucks (another sort of Muggle vehicle). On the other side, there are a huge number of Tiger Bombs (bombs that are small but carry an extreme detonation radius). The military here carries a huge firepower that can virtually beat opponents in the battlefield.

People who just turn 18 are required to be in national service for one year (no excuses, even if you are sick!). They are required to learn some kind of art called The Tiger Bomb. Rumor has that the Defense Minister, Batista, would personally supervise this strict regime of national service. The Tiger Bomb is slightly different from the bombs used. It is actually an art of defense where one person must kick the attacker's arse, placing his head beneath your arse, lift the attacker up with your arms and drop him on the floor as hard as possible. The impact of the drop is quite devastating as it can break the attacker's backbone. You can definitely hear someone making a battle cry when they are about to do the Tiger Bomb. Shit, I've been forewarned and these people do not care whether the attacker's a man, woman or a child!

Miscellaneous: Children here only watch Pink Panther cartoons all the time. No Mickey Mouse cartoons or whatsoever were shown here. Other facts here include a big number of Tiger Woods Fan Club. This Tiger Woods guy is a sports icon, a top professional golf player (another Muggle sport). Football (also another Muggle sport) is also another game they play here except that they play quite violently, constantly tackling other players to the ground!

Epilogue: On the last day of our visit, Draco tried to make a fool out of a Muggle woman in a main street in the city. Instead of getting a pleasant smile from her, that woman kicked Draco in his arse and dropped him on the floor quite hard. He broke his back already. He groaned in pain, looked up at me and all he could say was, "I don't want to come here anymore. Take me back to St. Mungo's!" At other times, he complained about the Muggle food here. He wanted to have his favorite wizard food that he craved so much back in England. He couldn't drink water out here. All the time we had to drink beer and, by the end of the day, our body temperatures shot higher than ever before. And so, on the day we left Tigerland, I had to carry Draco over my shoulder on the way towards the docks as well as on the way to St. Mungo's.

I can tell you this: Tigerland is one violent place out here. It's advisable to be in your best conduct - Muggle conduct - at all times. The punishments here are quite cruel, especially if someone's been sent to the tiger's den to be eaten alive. These people are quite remorseless and they never exhibit any signs of fear out here. They would show their animal instincts instead of our natural human instincts. Poor Draco. At this time of writing, he's still languishing in St. Mungo's. Poor chap has to wait for a month or so to recover from his back problems. There's only one piece of advice here: It's a wild place out there. Don't go there if you can!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ronald (B)ilius Weasley is sixth child of the famed Weasley family as well as one third of The Trio - A group comprised of himself, Hermione Granger and the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter. He was awarded the Heroes' Commemoration and Commendation Award (HCC) for his essential efforts during the Second War against Voldemort. He is currently the Keeper of Chudley Cannons Quidditch team. He also works as a freelance journalist, working alongside with his wife, Luna Lovegood, the Editor of the Quibbler. To this day, he still meets Ms. Granger and her husband Mr. Potter on a frequent basis.