The Marks We Bear

Chapter 10
Sunday 5th Oct cont.

Harry's entire body seemed to convulse against him almost knocking him aside and Draco watched in amazement until he stilled, seeming to slump completely as if every muscle were spent. Even the hand that had consistently gripped his own through the whole encounter fell slack.

Draco ran his hand through the sticky fluid coating Harry's stomach as he leant down to kiss him. Harry's breath gasped across his face, still ragged. He drew back again and unconsciously brought his hand to his lips, tasting the salty liquid coating his fingers. Strong... the smell and the taste. He glanced down at his hand, that smell... suddenly he jerked back from Harry, the blood draining out of his face.

//No, not now,// he thought wildly as the vivid memory of wood against his back hit him once more. That hand under his nose, touching his cheek, that smell, that voice...

Draco pulled away gagging, clutching his hands hard around his stomach. Harry's eyes were half open, looking at him in a sleepy confusion. Draco grabbed for the invisibility cloak and half fell, half leapt off the bed and vanished. Harry pulled himself up on his elbows looking confused then started searching the bed for his glasses. He found them, wiped at his stomach with the blankets and pulled his pyjama bottoms back on, then he grabbed his wand and ran after Draco.

When he left the dorm he heard the noise of retching from the bathrooms. Tiptoeing in he found Draco kneeling on the floor of one of the cubicles, the invisibility cloak puddled around him. He was leaning forward against the bowl of the toilet with his forehead resting on his arm.

Panic ran through Harry mixed with a healthy dose of paranoia. "Draco? Are you okay? Did I..." //do something wrong? Did you hate it so much?//

Draco slumped down further, bending his head to his knees. "Why does he always have to be there?" he whispered. "He's ruining everything. Why couldn't he just stay dead?"

Harry didn't really understand what Draco was talking about but it didn't sound like it was something he had done so he crept forward and knelt to lay a hand on Draco's shoulder. The other boy was trembling. "I don't understand. Who do you mean?"

Draco just clutched himself tighter. "I've spoiled everything, haven't I? I didn't mean to."

"It's okay, don't worry about it." Harry went over to the sinks and came back with a glass of water. "Here, drink this."

Draco took the water and drank it then slumped against Harry, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. "I hate the smell of vomit," he complained weakly. "My nose stings."

"Doesn't smell too great from here either." Harry knelt up to flush the toilet then pulled out his wand, lifted Draco's chin and pointed it at him. "Abluto Vomit. So are you going to tell me what's wrong?" His words were brusque but his tone was gentle and his hands smoothed Draco's hair out of his eyes.

Draco refused to hold his gaze and instead leant forward to rest against him again. "Don't ask me, Harry. Please."

Harry held him for a moment, wondering if he should push him to talk about it. He had a feeling this was something to do with Voldemort but he had no idea what. Something awful to have such an effect on him. Was it the same thing that had driven him to cut himself? He was afraid to push in case he couldn't deal with the results, in case Draco really wasn't ready to tell him and he did more harm than good. Nothing had ever happened to Harry that was so bad it would make him want to hurt himself, not even Cedric's death last term although thinking about it still made him sick. But not so sick he actually threw up, not since it had actually happened. Finally he decided to let it lie for now. "Come on, let's go back to bed," he whispered. "You're cold."

Draco let Harry draw him to his feet and then throw the Invisibility cloak back around him. When they got back to the bed and tried to climb in they found the curtains wouldn't open for them.

"What?" said Harry, confused.

"It's the charm, it only works from the outside," Draco explained.

"Oh." Harry fished out his wand. "Good thing I brought this with me or we'd be sleeping on the floor." He pointed at the curtains and said, "Finite incantatum."

Behind the curtains next to them he heard Neville mutter something and he pulled Draco back into bed and quickly reapplied the charm. He didn't bother with any light, just took off his glasses and put them and his wand on a ledge on the headboard then removed the invisibility cloak and pulled Draco under the covers. He was pliable but distant as if trapped in some memory that he couldn't quite pull himself out of. "You okay, Draco?" Harry asked.

"Not really," Draco answered.

"Is there anything I can do?" Harry wrapped himself as close to Draco as he could get.

"Just be there, you do enough just by being there. I don't think there's anything else that would help." Draco snuggled close against him, no spark of his previous arousal returning despite the intimate contact. "I'm sorry I spoiled your night."

"You didn't spoil anything, it was incredible."

Something tense inside Draco unwound a little. "Can we... can we try again another time?"

Harry breathed his own silent sigh of relief. "Of course, I was worried you wouldn't want to."

"I just... have some things I need to work around. I don't want them to get in the way but sometimes they just... sometimes they won't stay out of my mind." Draco decided that was as close to an explanation as he could give.

"You could tell me..."

"No! No, I couldn't. I can't." //If I told you how polluted I am then why would you ever want to touch me again. How could you stand to kiss me if you knew who had been there before you.// "I know you just want to help but I... have my reasons. I can't talk about this." //Please let it go.//

"It's okay, you don't have to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." Harry stroked his hair and kissed his face.

//If only that were true,// Draco thought.

-------------- Monday 6th Oct

The next day, after intense discussion about it before getting up that morning, Harry and Draco ate apart. Draco had insisted that it would be simpler for Harry to spend his mealtimes with his old friends and his own house and that he was quite capable of surviving without him during the day on the understanding that they could sleep together at night. Harry knew he was right but at the same time he missed him desperately when they were apart to an extent that it was almost ridiculous. It were as if he had grown dependant on the physical contact they had shared and on the warm glow it gave him just to know his presence was so needed, he had become addicted to it, obsessed by it. It wasn't so bad when he was in classes but at mealtimes when he could see Draco sitting across the room he could almost feel his touch and it made his skin burn.

The day seemed to drag endlessly until dinner was finally over and he waited for Draco at the door from the Great Hall, it was time for Draco's detention with Dumbledore. Draco seemed distracted when he met him, and not a little anxious. They walked in silence up the stairs to Dumbledore's office and waited outside for someone to let them through the password protected gargoyle. As they waited Harry reached out nervously, wondering if Draco would allow it here in the corridor, and took Draco's hand. He simply couldn't fight the need for some sort of physical contact any longer. Draco looked down at their joined hands curiously but didn't pull away, he even squeezed Harry's fingers lightly in response. Harry smiled and let his thumb stroke over the back of Draco's hand in a mixture of reassurance and desire. Even the importance of the upcoming meeting with Dumbledore couldn't thwart his anticipation of what might happen later tonight.

The door opened in front of them and Professor Dumbledore looked down at the two boys with a curious but friendly expression. "Well," he said. "One more than I had expected, but I suppose you had better both come in." He turned and led them up the moving staircase to his office.

Harry let go of Draco's hand at the top of the stairs and they sat down in front of Dumbledore's desk. Harry twisted his hands together in his lap, already missing the contact.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Dumbledore asked him. "Unless I am much mistaken this is Mr Malfoy's detention."

Harry looked over at Draco who indicated Harry should tell him. "Draco has some things to tell you about, I'm just here for... moral support."

"He means that he's here to make sure I go through with it," said Draco.

"That's not true," Harry protested.

"Yes," replied Draco. "It is. *I* want you here to make sure I go through with it."

Harry didn't answer that, just looked at him in comprehension and nodded.

"And what do you want to tell me about, Mr Malfoy?" asked Dumbledore.

Harry got the impression that Dumbledore had a pretty good idea what, or rather who, this was about.

"It's... about what we talked about before. My father. You said if there was any information I could give you about..."

"About Lord Voldemort. And do you?"

Draco stood up again and turned away from them both. He couldn't talk about Voldemort and look at them at the same time, it was too surreal. He didn't want Voldemort to be a part of his world here at school. "Yes." He paced over to he window. "He was at my house over the summer, not all the time but a lot."

"At Malfoy Mansion?" asked Dumbledore sharply.

"Yes. I don't know where else he visited but he was there a lot. I could always tell when he was there even if I didn't see him, everything felt colder and my mother would stay in her room all the time. The servants would get nervous and my father..." he trailed off. His father would come alive in a way he rarely had been before, crackling with excitement, a light in his eyes that frightened him. Almost feverish and slightly jumpy, there was always a little fear there mixed in with everything else. Draco understood why, with Voldemort there was always fear no matter how sure of his trust you were. For Draco there was little but fear, fear and disgust and hatred.

"Draco?" said Harry.

He could sense the other boys concern, his impulse to come to Draco's side. He held up his hand in Harry's direction to indicate he should stay put. "I'm fine. We had a lot of other visitors too, other Death Eaters and their families. I've prepared a list of people who visited, tried to note when if I could remember." He drew the parchment out of his robes and looked down at it. He had written it out during his free period after lunch. "I'm sure I don't need to tell you what this could do to me if anyone were to see it. I enchanted it to disguise my handwriting but the charm could be easily broken and besides... they would know it was me. Who else could it be?" He didn't give it to them, just looked at it. He was afraid. "You understand... what they would do?"

"I know, Draco. You're safe here."

"Am I?" his voice shook slightly.

"You have my word."

Draco swung round and strode to Dumbledore's desk, his face pale and his eyes burning with a mixture of fear and anger. "I don't believe you!" he told him, pleading to be convinced. "How can you stop them? Even here. You have no idea... everyone's either on their side or doesn't want to get involved. There are so many of them!" He threw the parchment onto Dumbledore's desk. "Look at it, look at the numbers, look at the power he has and tell me again that you can keep me safe."

Dumbledore picked up the parchment and glanced over it. It was very detailed.

"He's coming here, coming for Harry."

Dumbledore looked up at him with a patient expression. "I know."

"What?"

"I am not as out of the loop as you may imagine, Draco. Most of the names on this list are known to me as Death Eaters already. I suspected Voldemort was spending time at Malfoy Mansion although I could not be sure. And I know that they have an attack planned on the school although it's exact intent I could only theorise."

Draco sat back down as if his strings had been cut. "You know?"

"I know," confirmed Dumbledore. "I understand why this is hard for you, Draco. You have spent a great deal of time being assured of my incompetence. However perhaps there is one teacher you have some respect for?" At that there was a knock at the door. "And here he is, just in time." Dumbledore gestured to the door and it opened to reveal Professor Snape. "Severus, do come in."

Professor Snape entered and summoned another chair to the side of the desk next to Draco. "Headmaster. Mr Malfoy. Potter."

"Thank you for joining us, Severus. The boys and I were about to discuss this weekends impending visitors."

Snape looked over the two boys. "You are sure this is wise? If the boy were to change his mind..."

"Draco is risking as much, if not more, than you are, Severus. I do not believe he will betray you."

Draco looked at them in confusion, not understanding what was meant but touched by Dumbledore's confidence in him. He only wished he trusted himself as much as everyone else seemed to. "I don't understand," he said.

"You are not the only spy Voldemort believes he has in Hogwarts," Dumbledore answered. "Severus is also in contact with him."

"He never said, I thought I was the only person he had."

"I was also unaware of your presence, Mr Malfoy," said Snape. "The Dark Lord likes to keep his cards close to his chest. What information has he given you on this weekends activities?"

"I don't know anything, only that there was a plan. He just said I was to..." he ground to a halt. He hadn't been planning to tell them his orders, he hadn't even told Harry. They were his insurance. But he realised that he had a new insurance... Snape. If things went badly he could turn Snape in as the traitor. But that would only work if it looked as if he had tried to do his job, if they knew he not only hadn't taken Harry's wand but hadn't warned them of his failure... "If I don't do what I'm told they'll find out."

"I told you, Draco. We will protect you from your father."

"It's not my father I'm afraid of."

"They are not going to succeed in their attack. We are ready for them."

"Maybe... and if it comes to a choice between me and Harry who will you protect then?" he asked bitterly. "Sometimes you can't save everyone... you can't be everywhere. You didn't save Diggory, you didn't save Harry's parents!"

"Draco." Harry's voice was strained.

He turned to look at him, he'd almost forgotten he was there. "Harry." For a moment they stared at one another, Harry pale and Draco flushed. "I..." his legs suddenly didn't feel strong enough to support him. Harry looked shocked and afraid and suddenly Draco's anger was gone and all that was left was the fear and a deep exhaustion. "I don't want him to hurt me anymore," he whispered. "I can't go back there. I'd rather die." He let his weight carry him to the floor with his back leaning against the desk, the feel of the wood grain against his back called up memories that made him feel even weaker. "But I'm afraid of that too."

Harry was off his chair and at his side before Dumbledore made it around the desk. Snape hovered unsurely behind them all like a large bat. "You don't have to go back there," Harry told him, taking his face in his hands to force him to look at him. "You never have to go back there, I promise."

Draco brought his own hands up, one around Harry's wrist and the other against Harry's cheek. "I want to believe you but I don't know how," he told him sadly.

"Believe me," Harry demanded. "Haven't I always won before?"

"What about Diggory?" Draco asked, hating to bring up something that he knew would hurt him but unable not to.

Harry's eyes swam and he closed them against the pain of memory. Then he met Draco's eyes again. "I was alone and none of us were expecting an attack. We're ready this time, we know Voldemort's back, we know he's coming for me. This time it will be different."

"Why?"

"Because it has to be."

But Draco could see fear in Harry's eyes. "You're afraid too," he observed sadly.

"There's nothing wrong with being afraid," said Harry. "But you can't just give up."

Draco tried to let Harry's strength bolster him. "What do you want me to do?"

"Tell me what he asked you to do? Tell me what he wants?"

Draco laughed harshly, gripping Harry tightly. "He wants you dead, what else would he want of you? You're an irritant, a thorn in his side, an embarassment. The Boy Who Wouldn't Die."

Behind them Dumbledore asked quietly, "What does he want of you, Draco?"

Draco's face turned grey and cold, he couldn't seem to keep track of what he was talking about. "I don't know. He has my father... why does he want me too? I don't understand him. I don't want to, I just never want to see him again."

Behind them all Snape stepped back as a look of understanding passed across his face. He was the only one of the three who had been a real part of Voldemort's world. Dumbledore might have some faint idea of his proclivities but not to the extent that he did. He had seen firsthand where Voldemort's twisted obsessions had taken him, though he had never been touched by them. But a young, pretty, pure-blooded boy like Draco? It was too much to hope that Voldemort had been able to resist.

Draco let go of Harry and rubbed his face with his hands. "If you give me my wand back I'll tell you what you want to know," he said harshly. "Without my wand I'm a sitting target."

"I won't bargain with you for information, Draco," answered Dumbledore.

"Just give it back to me!" shouted Draco in desperate anger. "What right do you have to take it! I'm only here at this school to be away from him, I'm not here to play at the good student. I'm not a child anymore. I'm risking my life just by talking to you, I took my life in my hands just trying to persuade him not to give me the Dark Mark, to send me back here at all! He's destroyed everything I ever had and you won't even give me the only thing I have to protect myself with! Why should I trust you? You knew my father was a Death Eater and you let me go home to him, I was just a child, what did I know? What did I know about good and evil? You knew!" By the end Draco was on his feet with Harry desperately clinging to his arm trying to get him to stop shouting.

"Draco..." Dumbledore began but he was stopped by Snape's hand on his shoulder.

"Headmaster, if I may have a moment with Draco."

They all looked at him in surprise but Dumbledore nodded and gestured to Harry to follow him out the room. Harry looked to Draco, unwilling to leave but Draco shrugged him off.

"Go on, I'll be fine."

Harry didn't look convinced that Draco was going to be at all fine but allowed Dumbledore to draw him out of the room.

When they were gone Snape sat back down and gestured to Draco to sit down as well.

Draco slumped back in his chair. "What is it? Going to tell me how you understand cause you've met him too? Somehow I really doubt it's the same."

"I know it's not the same," said Snape quietly. "I think I know what he's done to you, I've seen him do it before."

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Draco stubbornly.

"I had forgotten," Snape continued. "It's been so long and I only saw it a few times. But of course he would take a liking to you, you look so like your father and he never could keep his hands off your father."

Draco stared at Snape in shock.

"You should try and talk about it, Draco. It might help."

"With you?"

"With anyone, with me if you want."

"I... you know... about him and father?"

"Yes, I know. Lucius always adored the attention, power was what interested him and Voldemort had plenty of that. He grew more careless about it over the years as he rationalised it away from the homosexuality he despised into a lust for those who carried strong magic and pure-blood. He always felt women were the weaker sex, only beautiful, pure-blooded men were good enough for him. It always amazed me that Lucius allowed it, even enjoyed it. Most of his... partners... submitted out of fear."

Draco was in shock at this candid discussion of what he had thought of as his private nightmare. "There were... others?"

"You're not the first pretty boy that's caught the Dark Lord's eye. I'm just surprised your father let it happen."

"I... I don't think he knows."

Snape nodded. "You never told him."

"How could I? I barely spoke to my father all summer. I barely spoke to anyone. They never seemed to notice, I think they didn't care as long as I was doing as I was told." Draco's voice sounded dead even to himself and he wondered why he was still talking. He wondered why he was still breathing. Surely this wasn't real life? This wasn't his life was it?

"I can't speak for your parents, but there are people here who care what happens to you. People who will listen when you want to talk about this."

"And if I don't want to talk about it?"

"Then you don't have to."

"There's nothing to talk about," Draco told him. "Not about... that. It wasn't what you think... he didn't..." he couldn't put into words what he was trying to say. "I guess he probably would have eventually, I overheard him once with... with my father. They were... doing stuff... together. All he did was... touch me... sometimes." Draco was trembling even explaining that much. "I stayed out of his way as much as I could."

Snape nodded. "It still hurt you though."

"I felt so... helpless. I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him never mind have him touch me and yet..." Draco shook his head, clutching his arms tightly. "It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it."

Snape's sharp gaze bored into him. "Don't feel responsible for the reactions of your body... we are all betrayed by it on occasion."

Draco was shocked that Snape realised what he had refused to say. "I just wish I could stop remembering it," he told him. "But then I remember some of the things I did this summer and I think maybe I'm supposed to remember it as punishment."

"If you let them the memories will fade, in time. There are charms... but in truth it is healthier to allow the mind to create it's own solutions. Perhaps after all this is over we can arrange something to make the memories less vivid."

"If we survive," said Draco pessimistically.

"You should trust Dumbledore, he will protect you. He'll protect both of us."

"He can't protect me from what I've already done."

"What happened wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was," Draco spat. "Do you think Harry would have let that happen to him? Do you think he would have done the things I've done just to survive? He'd have died first!"

"And where would he be then?" Snape retorted. "Heroic but dead! We're Slytherin's, that's not our way."

"You don't understand... you don't know what I've done."

"Then tell me," said Snape. "Tell me so that I can tell you it doesn't matter and we can get on with things. Tell me and then tell me what Voldemort asked you to do for this weekend."

"I want my wand back."

"I'll get you your damned wand back before it all happens, just tell me!"

Draco sighed, this conversation wasn't getting him anywhere, all trying to keep his orders quiet seemed to have done was lead him to say other things he didn't want anyone to know about. "He just wants me to take Harry's wand before Friday. He said he didn't care what I did as long as Harry couldn't use his wand." His anger still bubbled near the surface. "And unless you stop me by force I'm going to do it, why shouldn't I? I know what he'll do to me if I don't, I'd rather face your anger than his. What does it matter if Harry has his wand or not, he's not powerful enough to stand up to a Death Eater with or without it. Either you'll protect him or you'll fail, his wand won't help him either way. But taking it might save my life."

"Save it for what?" asked Snape cruelly. "So you can go back with him and celebrate his victory?"

Draco's determined expression died and the haunted look came back.

Snape sighed. "Stop fighting us. If you're really not a child then act like it, take a stand whether you're afraid or not. It doesn't matter what happened before, you think there aren't things in my past that haunt me? You've had one summer with the Dark Lord, I spent years on his side first out of stupidity and then out of fear."

Draco stared at him for a while wondering how many regrets you would end up after so long with Voldemort. "How did you get away?" Draco asked finally, although what he had meant to ask was 'How did you survive?'.

"I put my trust in the one man that Voldemort fears, Dumbledore. Can you?"

"I don't know. What if he fails?"

"Then you'll be no worse off than you are already. In service to Voldemort is no place for you, don't try and tell me you could live with it. I can already see that you can't. His favour would destroy you almost as quickly as his anger and probably in a far more unpleasant way."

Draco simply stared at him in hope and desperation.

"On Saturday you and Harry will be hidden in the safest place we can find. Neither of you will be facing Voldemort this time. The attack is expected and it *will* fail."

"Won't this blow your cover too?"

Snape tapped his long fingers against his leg nervously. "In theory, no. I will open a hole in the wards on Saturday as I have been instructed to. I have not been ordered to do anything more. I will stay out of the fight unless it becomes absolutely necessary."

"And if you do have to join it which side will you be fighting on?"

Snape sighed. "It is not your problem anymore, your involvement in this is over. Let us take care of things now. All we need from you is that you make sure Lucius and Voldemort think everything is going to plan. After this weekend you can stop pretending and let those of us who have chosen this role do the worrying. We will protect you and Harry."

Draco didn't reply, he simply nodded his acquiescence, but he was deep in thought. Dumbledore had been right to assume that Snape was one of the few Hogwarts teachers he considered worth listening to and more than that, one of the few teachers that seemed to understand him. His simple comprehension and acceptance, without over analysis or excessive pity, of what had happened to Draco over the summer left him feeling strangely comforted. Maybe he could get past this after all, maybe he could do this. Snape had done it, he had escaped and lived to tell the tale and then returned to the fight. Still sane despite whatever had happened in his past.

Still, there was one thing Draco was not convinced of. He was sure that his role in this was not over and would never be as long as Voldemort and his father were still around. This fight was a part of his heritage and whichever side he chose he would always be a part of it, just like Harry could never escape it.

He knew that come this Saturday, no matter where they hid, he and Harry would never be completely safe.

---------------------- tbc... please send reviews, insults and comments...