Circles of Influence

Chapter 5

Snape was sitting in his office pondering more important things than his students' romantic entanglements. The whole Draco Malfoy situation was seriously interfering with his already fragile position as a Death Eater. And now there was this. He watched the parchment burn in his fire. Just then there was a knock on the door of his office.

"Who is it?" he snapped.

"It's just me, Severus," Dumbledore's familiar voice replied through the wood.

"Come in," Snape muttered.

The headmaster let himself in and sat down in the chair Draco Malfoy had not long vacated. "You look troubled," he ventured.

Snape sighed. "Voldemort is displeased at my involvement in saving Draco's life last Saturday. I explained to him that it would have blown my cover if I had failed, the poison was so obvious and easy to treat."

"He hasn't accepted that?"

"No, he knows it's true. What he hasn't accepted is my failure to kill Draco more competently myself. He knows too well what my abilities are. He knows I could do it and leave no trace."

"Perhaps if we were to make it look as if I no longer trust you, make your position here look weaker," Dumbledore suggested.

"Perhaps," Snape mused. "He made it clear he wants Draco dead by Halloween. I'm supposed to meet one of his men in Hogsmeade that night and give them proof that I've succeeded. He suggested a body part would suffice."

The two men grimaced.

"Which is ridiculous," Snape continued. "If Draco were dead he'd know soon enough through his other contacts at the school. He doesn't need proof... I think he just wants a memento, or possibly something to deliver to Lucius as the final punishment for his son's betrayal. I really wish I didn't understand the way his mind works quite so well."

"Understanding him is unpleasant but useful," Dumbledore pointed out. "I shall think about what to do, we will come up with something before Friday."

Snape nodded. "You came down here for a reason I presume. Was there something you wanted to tell me?" he asked.

"Yes. There has been another attempt on Draco's life, even less successful than the previous one I am glad to say. Draco fought them off and we caught both perpetrators."

"Draco is unharmed?"

"Just cuts and bruises, nothing Poppy can't fix."

"If only it were that simple," said Snape cryptically.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, just that I worry about him. I know what it's like to have to constantly look over your shoulder... wondering when the axe is finally going to fall. He's lost a lot in a very short time, he's still trying to figure out what's left."

"I have every confidence in his survival skills and I'm glad he has someone to talk to. Does he talk to you at all about Harry? Minerva tells me the two boys are... closer than I realised."

Snape frowned. "What he talks to me about is confidential."

"I didn't mean to pry, but Draco is not the only boy we need to worry about."

"Potter is your problem. No offense, Albus, but I can only deal with one troubled teenager at a time."

"I get the impression that the two boys in question no longer come packaged separately."

Snape gave a sigh of long-suffering. "You could put it that way, I prefer to think of them as temporarily entangled. Draco would be better off with space to deal with his own problems, he needs time alone to come to terms with things. Potter is only interfering with that."

Dumbledore smiled patiently. "It doesn't surprise me that you see it that way, Severus. Has being alone really helped you to come to terms with your problems?"

Snape glared at the headmaster. "We're not here to talk about my problems," he snapped.

"No, of course not," Dumbledore agreed and changed the subject. "I suppose I should also tell you that Sirius Black is visiting us for a few days."

Snape's eyes narrowed even more. "Delightful," he said sarcastically.

"He may stay longer, I think it would be good for Harry to have someone to talk to, a father figure. What do you think?"

"You know what I think."

"Yes, I suppose I do, I just thought I would let you know."

With that Professor Dumbledore left Snape to ponder his problems in peace. Alone.

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Draco talked Madame Pomfrey into letting him go on the understanding that Harry would escort him back to his room where he would be safe and keep an eye on him until his head was completely healed. Madame Pomfrey only agreed because Harry was the best student in her Medical Magic class. They were about to leave the hospital wing when they were joined by Hermione.

"Hi," she bounced. "Everything okay?"

Harry frowned at her unusual exuberance. "I guess so. You're in an awfully good mood."

She followed them out into the corridor. "Yes, I am, and why not? Life is pretty good, don't you think?"

"Well, let me think about that," said Draco dryly.

"Oh, don't give me that," said Hermione cheerfully. "Nearly getting killed again aside, I should think you'd be pretty happy right about now."

"Delirious. Oh wait, that's just the concussion," replied Draco, but he did give her a smile.

Harry felt strangely out of place next to them, disconnected.

"So," Draco continued. "Where's Weasley?"

Hermione shrugged. "Off talking about Quidditch or something with Seamus and Dean."

Harry frowned, he and Ron had barely exchanged two words since they had fallen out earlier in the week and he wasn't exactly speaking to Seamus and Dean either although he wasn't really sure why. He just wasn't. He'd been so angry for the past couple of weeks it had felt like he hated everyone. He wasn't sure he knew how to just be friends with them all again, they felt so far away from him. No... he felt so far away from the person they used to be friends with. He suddenly realised someone was talking to him.

"...Harry!"

"Sorry, what?"

Draco and Hermione both looked concerned.

"Are you all right?" Draco asked. "You looked a million miles away."

"I was just thinking," Harry told him, finding it hard to stay in the here and now.

Draco took his hand, squeezing it as if trying to reassure Harry he was real. "Well pay attention or you'll walk into a wall and we'll end up back in the hospital wing," he joked, but it sounded forced. "Come on."

He let Draco lead him down the corridors to his room. He wondered where Sirius was. "Don't I have to go back and talk to Professor McGonagall?" he said suddenly.

"Forget McGonagall," Draco said impatiently. "If she wants to talk to you she can come and find you."

"She never said anything to me," Hermione added. "She said she wanted to talk to Snuffles. I'm sure if she'd wanted you she would have asked me to send you back to her office."

They entered Draco's room and he was pulled down to sit with Draco on the bed. Things suddenly seemed very awkward.

"Um..." said Hermione. "Why don't I go and..."

"No!" said Harry a little too loudly. "I mean... stay for a bit."

"Okay," she agreed a little unsurely and pulled a chair over to sit down on. "So... ah... is Sirius staying long?"

Harry shrugged, trying to remember what Sirius had said. "A few days I think, I'm not sure."

"I was surprised to see him, did he tell you he was going to visit or... did you ask him to?"

Harry pulled his knees up to his chin and wrapped his free arm around his legs. "He was worried when I didn't write back to him," he admitted. He could feel Draco's thumb stroking the back of his hand and it made him tense. Draco's very presence was like an itch he couldn't... wouldn't scratch. He wanted to take back his hand but knew it would only hurt Draco if he did.

"Did he..." Hermione started then seemed to fish for words. "Did you... talk? I mean about..."

Harry was desperate to break the tension and suddenly hit on a possibility. "He thought I was dating Ron," he told them.

"What?" Draco spluttered.

Hermione laughed and it eased the moment a little. "He did mention in his letter back to me and Ron that he might have got that impression, but you were so angry at us for writing to him in the first place we thought we better not tell him anything else."

"I thought you'd told him everything," Harry mused. "I just... I just assumed you had."

"We just wanted you to have someone to talk to, someone who might be able to help," Hermione said earnestly. "We said as little as we could about things but we had to give him something to go on."

Harry looked away from her as he said tightly, "It wasn't your place to tell him anything." All the tension rushed back and Hermione simply watched him silently.

The silence was broken by a scratching at the door and Hermione, relieved, went to open it. A large black dog padded into the room. Hermione closed the door behind it.

"Sirius," said Harry, using the excuse of his presence to let go of Draco's hand.

Sirius cocked his head at Harry and then Draco in a silent question.

"He knows already," Hermione said. "About who you are and everything."

Sirius transformed into a man to a faint gasp from Draco. "You told him?" he asked, sounding a little unsure as to whether he was okay with that or not.

"You can trust him," said Harry.

"He saved our lives," Hermione added.

Sirius looked Draco over sharply and then a realisation seemed to cross his face, he looked at Harry. "Is this..." he trailed off.

Harry blushed uncomfortably and gave a short nod, stuffing his hands in his robe pockets.

Sirius extended his hand with a look that was warring between fierce parental protectiveness and worry. He wasn't sure how he felt about this boy, didn't know enough about the situation or what Harry felt for him. If Harry was serious about the relationship he wanted to get on with his... Gods, his boyfriend. On the other hand... this boy had slept with his godson! More than that he was in some way responsible for Harry's current mental state and he was a Slytherin and a Malfoy to boot. On yet another hand he had, apparently, saved Harry's life. There were way too many hands involved to figure this out. "Sirius Black," he said curtly. "Harry's godfather."

Draco nodded and nervously, but with poise, took his hand. "Draco Malfoy," he said calmly. "I'm pleased to meet you."

Harry found himself distracted out of his nerves and spellbound by Draco's sudden aura of politeness and grace. If there was one thing Draco knew how to do it was greet a guest and make a good impression, years of formal parties had taught him that much. Unconsciously his shoulders slipped back and his body formed itself into this welcoming and yet formally contained stance that made Harry want to sketch him even though he wasn't much of an artist.

It also made him want to jump him and knock him out of his composure and onto the floor where Harry could pin him down and ravish him. Harry tore his eyes away and withdrew inside again.

"Professor McGonagall told me about your situation... with Voldemort," Sirius explained to Draco. "She suggested that we might be able to help each other out."

Draco gave him a questioning look. "In what way?"

"You need someone to watch your back, I need a cover for staying here. How would you feel about a guard dog?"

Draco looked surprised. "I... would you... how would that work?"

Sirius shrugged and looked for a chair to sit down, as he did so Draco dropped back onto the bed. Harry leaned against the bedpost, keeping his distance. "Not exactly sure, but it's a good enough excuse to explain the presence of a large black dog wandering around the school. From what I can tell you're safe enough in this room thanks to Dumbledore's wards, but I can make sure you're safe the rest of the time. I plan to stay for a while, at least till Christmas."

"That long?" blurted Harry.

Sirius nodded, "I think we should spend more time together, Harry. I've been remiss in my duties as your Godfather."

"You did what you could," Harry excused him. "I always understood why you had to stay away."

"It wasn't a good enough reason," Sirius said firmly. "At first, yes, while the hunt for me was still fresh. But lately... I can afford to be a little less careful."

Harry smiled a little. "It'll be good, to have you here for a while," he said.

Sirius smiled back. "I just hope that you don't all get bored with me once you actually get to know me a bit better." He stifled a sudden yawn. "Sorry," he said. "I was travelling last night, I could do with a few hours sleep before dinner I think."

"Do you have a room?" Harry asked.

"Hadn't really sorted all that out yet. Not that it's necessary, dogs can sleep anywhere you know." With that he transformed back into one and stalked into a sunny spot in the corner where he promptly fell asleep.

Harry looked at the sleeping animal form of his godfather a moment then started to speak. "Well, maybe we should..."

"Don't," said Draco fast and sharp before he could even finish.

"You don't even know what I was going to say," Harry complained.

"You were going to leave," Draco told him shortly. "Like you've been desperate to do since we got here. Do you think I'm blind?"

Hermione wondered how the hell she could get out of here without them noticing her leave.

"I can't stay here forever," Harry said from behind shuttered eyes.

"There was a time you didn't want to be anywhere else," Draco said, his refusal to hide his pain even in front of Hermione a passive aggressive attack in itself.

"I'll just be going," Hermione said very softly, standing up.

"No," said Harry. "Wait. I'll come with you."

Hermione stopped him before Draco could. "Will you just stay, Harry!" she said. "I thought you'd stopped running away."

"Stay out of this," he hissed.

"Then let me leave," she replied. "The two of you need to talk."

He turned to Draco and there was pleading in his eyes. "I can't," he said. "Not now, not yet. I just need a little space to think. Please."

"How much is a little?" Draco asked unwillingly.

"I'll come back later, like I said I would."

Draco nodded, disappointed but seeing that Harry couldn't be pushed on this. "I'll be waiting."

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Later," said Harry, by way of a promise, and left the room. Hermione followed him.

--------------

Harry excused himself before they got to Gryffindor Tower, despite Hermione's protests, and made his way outside into the chill grey of the damp autumn. What was he doing? Was he getting back together with Draco? It certainly seemed as though he already had. He knew that if he let things go they could almost just slide back into what they had before. Which meant he had to hold on tight, keep control. It would be friends in everything but name. If Draco wanted to call it more... if it felt like more... that didn't matter as long as it wasn't more.

He could almost still feel the pressure of Draco's hand on his and he looked down at it, touched the back of his hand where Draco's thumb had caressed his skin. Sometimes it felt like he was drowning in Draco, like the reason he was so separate from the rest of the world was this blanket of Draco wrapped around him... smothering him. The more he struggled against it the more it choked him but when he gave in to it and stopped fighting there was only comfort... but comfort led to other things. Touching that led to kissing that led to Ron's mother looking at Draco like he was dirt... that led to the shock on Sirius face when Harry had told him how far he had gone. That led to the tight way Sirius had looked at Draco when they shook hands.

Everyone looked at them differently.

Whatever Sirius had done when he was younger he clearly wasn't happy at Harry following his footsteps. Willing to accept it maybe, but happy about it? Certainly not. He wondered if Sirius thought Harry might grow out of it the way he had. He wondered if he would, if he might just wake up one day and realise he didn't want Draco any more. If Draco might wake up one day and realise he didn't want Harry any more. But then Draco had already said he didn't want Harry. Needed him, not wanted him, like he was trapped in this too. He had crawled into Draco's life during a moment of weakness and made Draco need him and now he owed it to him to stay until the other boy could stand on his own again. He felt like he'd tricked him, but if he could give Draco just enough to keep him going until gradually he didn't need it anymore then he could make up for it.

Maybe Sirius could help, if he was going to be hanging around keeping an eye on Draco it would make it easier to keep the physical side of their relationship under control.

The only thing he couldn't control was everyone else, too many people knew about him and Draco and it was starting to reach a critical mass. He had a horrible feeling that very soon he would wake up and find the whole school knew. At least Justin had only had to cope with being generally out, as far as Harry knew he hadn't dated anyone, and he wasn't the famous Harry Potter. Harry had sudden visions of newspaper headlines... Harry Potter Gay! The Boy-Who-Lived Shags Son of Death-Eater! It was bound to happen, if they'd reported his non-relationship with Hermione last year it was too much to ask that they'd pass over prime gossip like this. Made all the more juicy by the fact it was true. Everyone in the wizarding world would know.

Harry buried his head in his hands and wished he'd slit his wrists. Wished he still wanted to but it seemed to have been washed out his system, the moment was gone. Maybe when the news hit the street he'd get it back and then they'd have another headline to run... The-Boy-Who-Killed-Himself!

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At almost exactly ten o'clock Harry approached Draco's door, clothed in the invisibility cloak. He knocked quietly and Draco opened it, wearing his pyjamas, and let him in. He looked around as he slipped off the invisibility cloak. "Where's Sirius?"

"McGonagall gave him a room or a dog basket or something, he'll be back in the morning."

"I thought he was supposed to be watching you," Harry had expected him to be present to make this easier for him.

"Not at night, I'm safe in here. I only need him when I go to classes and stuff."

"Oh," said Harry, picking at the sleeve of his dressing gown. "Right."

Draco gave him a dark look of comprehension and stalked over to the bed. He lay down facing away from Harry and said tightly, "Put the light out before you come to bed."

Harry let his face show the sadness he felt, since Draco wasn't looking anyway. "Right," he said softly. He took off his dressing gown, laid his glasses and wand on the nightstand and switched off the lamp then slid under the covers, leaving a respectful distance between their bodies. He looked at the back of Draco's head which he could vaguely make out as time passed and his eyes adjusted to the darkness. His subconscious helpfully reminded him of the soft feel of Draco's hair against his fingers, against his cheek, under his lips. He clenched his hands into fists. The room was so quiet he could hear Draco breathing in tight puffs as if angry or possibly crying... or aroused? Harry was... his heart beat seemed to be shaking the bed it was pounding so hard. He was hard with the knowledge of how close he was to being spooned against Draco's back... knowing that Draco would welcome it... welcome him. Push back against him and tangle their legs together. He dug his nails into his thighs but the pain only seemed to make it worse. He had to do something.

Finally he sat up. "I'm just going to the bathroom," he explained stiffly and made his escape into the small room. Once in there he leaned against the cold wall with a sigh of relief and exasperation and then quickly lowered his pyjama bottoms and took hold of himself. He had left his wand in the other room so he had to make do with spit, but it didn't matter. He had no plans to make a big production out of this, he just wanted to get it over and done with so that he could relax and get to sleep. As he stroked himself his mind immediately conjured up what he had really wanted. Wrapping himself around Draco's body and pressing himself against the other boy's firm bottom. Sliding his hand under Draco's pyjamas and teasing him.

When he was done he washed his hands thoroughly and composed himself before going back out to the bedroom. Next time he would remember to do that before he left Gryffindor Tower. He got back into bed and lay down on his back.

Suddenly Draco sat up and looked down at him. He couldn't really see his face but it felt like he was about to say something. But all he did was look at him for a long moment then shake his head and lie down again in the same position as before.

------------

Draco wondered how long he had been lying like this. Wishing Harry would roll over and hold him, wanting to roll over and wrap himself around Harry but unable to give into it as long as Harry was refusing to. He was angry, more at himself than Harry. Angry that he couldn't cope without him, that he had to constantly humiliate himself just to get Harry to spend time with him. His stubborn nature was at serious war with his desires every second they were together these days. He had wanted to say something to let Harry know that he knew exactly what he'd been doing in the bathroom but really, why bother. All it would do was make things more tense, maybe make Harry leave if it got them into another argument. He could smell it on him under the soap. It was a smell too deeply ingrained in him to miss. He wanted to bury his head between Harry's legs and just breath it in. He was half hard himself, despite his anger, but he refused to do anything about it. He wondered if Harry was asleep. Probably, it felt like he'd been lying here for hours. One of his legs was cramping.

He got up and went to sit on the windowsill, pushing aside the curtains to look out at the dark sky.

He heard Harry roll over toward him. "Draco?" It didn't sound like he'd been asleep.

"What?"

"I thought I was here so that you could sleep."

"That was the plan."

"You're not sleeping."

He wanted to say 'Well, you're not really here, are you?' in a harsh and challenging tone but instead he said blankly, "Neither are you."

"Well... maybe I should just go..."

"I'm surprised you bothered showing up at all," Draco snapped, giving in to the irritation.

Harry sat up and put the light and his glasses on. "You said you'd come and find me if I didn't," he pointed out warily.

"Well next time don't do me any favours. If you're going to act like you don't want to be here then just don't be here. I'd rather be alone by myself than in company."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean that you might as well not be here. You wanted Sirius here so we wouldn't be alone, you won't even touch me. You..."

"I what?"

"You go off into the bathroom and jerk off and come back in here smelling of come and hoping I won't notice that you still get hard just being near me. I can feel how much you want me to touch you but I know that if I do you'll just push me away."

Harry's face was completely shuttered. "I've never pushed you away."

"Only because I can tell when you will."

"We need to get past this," Harry said patiently and Draco wished he would just show some damn emotion. "Things aren't the way they used to be."

"I liked things the way they used to be. At least we were honest about what we wanted... about what we felt."

"Look, you're just... frustrated. Why don't you go into the bathroom and... you know. You'll feel better."

"Didn't help you get to sleep," Draco pointed out.

Harry pushed up his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "I guess not." There was a little defeat in his voice.

Draco took that small opening and climbed down from the windowsill, going back to the bed and climbing between the sheets. "You're hard again," he challenged Harry, guessing it was probably true.

Harry flushed and tugged the sheets closer around him. "It'll pass."

Draco sighed. "Will it?" he asked, not really referring to Harry's aroused state.

Harry didn't reply.

"Lie down," said Draco. "Let's try this again."

Harry took his glasses off again and lay back down cautiously, tense as Draco gave in and laid his head down on his shoulder but the other boy only put his hand on Harry's chest and kept his lower half angled away except for one leg which he crooked up so that from his knee down it was pressed against the outside of Harry's thigh.

They lay silently for a little while before Draco said softly, "Just tell me that you want this too, even if you're not going to do anything about it. I need to know that it's just..."

"Just what?"

"Just you being a stubborn, deluded idiot as usual," Draco said with only a little bitterness.

"Hey!"

"That it's not that you really don't want me any more."

Harry didn't reply at first and Draco tensed slightly against him. Afraid. Wishing he had just lived with the niggling, ego-destroying worry rather than be faced with the possibility of real rejection. Again. Not again.

"You know I still do," said Harry finally.

Draco let out a breath he had been unaware of holding.

"I just... can't give in to it. Please, just tell me you can accept that."

"Don't close me out," Draco whispered. "Don't fight it by cutting me out of your life. It's not fair."

"It's never fair," said Harry. "It's so hard to be near you and not..."

Draco felt down Harry's side for his hand and took it in his own, drawing it up to rest his cheek against the back of it. "If I promise not to go there, not to push, will you promise to give me everything else? To let me back in."

"Everything sounds like a lot."

"No sex," said Draco. "But that has to be the only boundary between us. No lies, no pulling away, no shutting me out."

"A compromise?"

"An understanding."

"And if I say no?"

"Then there's nothing here that I need," Draco said finally, pulling back from Harry. "Like I said, I'd rather be alone by myself than with you. It's just as painful but it's a lot less nerve wracking."

Harry thought about it, thought about two hollow weeks of drifting further and further away from the world. Two weeks that had been filled completely by Draco's absense. Cutting him out of his life hadn't just failed, it had failed spectacularly. "No sex," said Harry cautiously. "No nudity. No... no hands below the waist."

"But I can still kiss you," Draco demanded.

Harry looked torn. "Only if we're alone. No physical contact at all unless we're alone."

Draco nodded unwilling agreement then asked, "What are you afraid of?"

"What?"

"What are you afraid of? You don't want anyone to know we're together, more than friends. Why? Because you're embarrassed? Would it be different if..." //if it wasn't me,// Draco thought but didn't say.

Harry looked away.

"No secrets, remember?"

"I... I don't know. That they'll stare... that they'll look down on you for it. That they'll blame you like Ron's Mum did, like Sirius does."

"Sirius blames me?"

"The way he looked at you when he realised it was you I was seeing..."

"Harry, he's just being protective. It doesn't mean anything."

"First impressions last. Because of me he'll always think of you as that boy who screwed his godson," Harry said pessimistically.

"That's not true," Draco protested, but at the same time a cold fist curled around his heart at the thought that Sirius might think that. He felt embarrassed at his lack of humility in front of him. Did Sirius think he had taken advantage of Harry? Had he offered to watch him to protect him from Voldemort or to protect Harry from him? "Just... I don't care what anyone else thinks of me."

"You know that's not true."

"It should be."

"But it's not."

"Just go to sleep."

"Fine."

"Fine."

They lay still and silent. Draco could feel Harry's chest rise with each breath he took. He turned his face into Harry's hand and kissed the back of it.

"Go to sleep," said Harry.

"I am," he whispered, thinking petty insults in Harry's general direction.

After a while they did fall asleep.

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tbc

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