Dear Professor

Dear Professor

Harry Potter:

I never imagined I would tell you this, but I am madly in love with you. If you laugh, I will kill you. If you smirk, I will throttle you. If you tell anyone what I have revealed, I will put a permanent lifelong-memory charm on you, throw you surreptitiously into Azkaban, and leave you for the rest of your existence wondering who and where you are.

If you are frowning at this juncture, know that I want to have those pouting lips and take all the world's pleasure from them. Yours are the most luscious I have beheld.

Sincerely,
Professor Snape

~~~

Professor Snape:

I never thought I'd tell you this, but you're pathetic strange disgusting incredibly sweet. No one has ever praised my lips before. Still, I don't think I'll ever be able to return this weird perverse undeserved affection.

Yours Sincerely
Harry Potter

~~~

Harry:

I was delighted when I received your reply. I was under the impression that you would not bother. I was, in fact, afraid that you would completely ignore me or merely patronize me when you received the news. I am glad; it seems that you still hold me in high respect.

I am looking forward to your further correspondence.

Professor Snape

~~~

Professor Snape,

Of course I'm not patronizing you. It's a very brash shameless admirable thing to admit lust feelings to their object. I'm very pleased, but I regret to say I don't return them.

Harry Potter

~~~

Dear Harry,

I am happy, then, that you have not stopped responding to my letters despite your indifference to my hotness gothic look feelings. I, however, would like to emphasize that your lips are very luscious. I noticed how, in Potions class today, you were licking them as you glanced in the general direction of Draco Malfoy. He's more your type, I suppose. It's a pity I am unable to compete, seeing as my features are blatantly opposite. But I will hold no grudges, of course.

Severus Snape

~~~

Professor,

Please, Sir, I hardly think I'm ‘dear' to you, so please don't address me as such.

Also, Draco Malfoy is certainly not my type. He may be drop dead gorgeous have perfect skin have wonderful gray eyes that remind me of be very good at Potions, but I don't think I could fall in love with such a sexy waif-like albino who's a veela-man Death Eater's son.

I was just thinking of what was for dinner. Was hoping it'd be chicken teriyaki, but alas, tonkatsu. I don't like pork.

Harry Potter

*Tonkatsu is a Japanese dish of pork that is breaded and fried, topped with a sweet and sour sauce.
*Teriyaki is a Japanese dish of meat or fish that is grilled or broiled after being soaked in a seasoned soy sauce marinade. It is usually sweet and succulent.

~~~

Harry,

Coincidentally, I also have an aversion to pork. I have noticed that nearly all pork dishes have the same sickening porky taste. Chicken, on the other hand, is my favorite kind of meat, but I prefer it fried. We have something in common, at least.

Your father loved tonkatsu.

Severus Snape

~~~

Professor,

I'm learning things about my father I never thought I'd know. Please don't tell me Peter Pettigrew is my real dad. That's fanfic stuff, and really, I wouldn't want it to be true.

It's been relieving interesting fun talking about food with you, instead of the usual topic of your lust affection.

Oh, and Professor, could you possibly give me an Outstanding in today's potion? I know the color's a bit lighter than it should be, but I'm pretty damn sure it works fine.

Okay, I admit it, I'm failing.

Do you tweak grades for sex satiating favors? I'll disembowel those flobberworms for you, if you want. I'm desperate slightly worried about my marks.

Harry Potter

~~~

Harry,

I will consent to giving you an O, but only because I like you. As for your offer, I hardly think it will be feasible. (I can disembowel flobberworms magically, thank you.) Unless I think up some ingenious thing for you to do that would be pleasurable useful to me.

I am unsure if Peter Pettigrew is your father, but rest assured that I will send you any new information, if any, that I may stumble upon.

As they say (or do they?), there is no better topic of conversation than man's basic needs: food, clothing, and sex shelter. Now that we have discussed the first, tell me: what are you wearing?

Severus

~~~

Sev Professor,

I understand. But whatever I can do to bring my grades up, please tell me.

I'm wearing an old shirt and no under pajama bottoms. The shirt used to belong to Dudley, as does most of my Muggle-made clothing. What are you wearing?

Thanks for the O. I'll never forget this. You're too kind great a very good Potions master.

Harry

~~~

Harry,

Well I can tell you that we'll be having a pop quiz tomorrow on the properties of nightshade. Make sure to study everything discussed in class, especially its metamorphosis when exposed to Aurora Borealis. I am certain you can bring your grades up, if only you would stop lazing around and doing silly things with your silly friends.

You insolent boy, do you think I, your Potions master, will tell you what he wears this late at night? You are, quite frankly, neurotic.

All right, all right, I am in my pajamas. Striped. Spartan. I've owned them for ten years some time now, but they are in mint condition.

Is it true you used to live under the stairs, and that you only came out of the closet at eleven?

Amusing information.

Severus

~~~

Professor,

Yes, it's true, do you have a problem with that? I'll have you know my relatives are the most selfish, cruel, sadistic Muggles on the face of the earth. But you didn't have such a good childhood either, did you? Your father yelling at your mom, I saw that in Occlumency last year, remember?

Funniest thing I've ever seen!

Er. No offense.

Harry

~~~

Harry,

You're just like your father, of course. Go ahead, laugh at this poor tortured soul who was required to suffer such a bad childhood.

Your hair was extraordinarily untidy today. You were late to Potions as well, along with a certain blond boy. Have you been shagging?

Severus

~~~

Professor,

No, as a matter of fact, I'd just forgotten my book upstairs. Jealous, aren't we? And I'm not even seeing you yet.

Thanks for telling me about the pop quiz. Aced it, didn't I? Ha.

Now your hair was extra greasy. Been getting special baby-oil treatment from Professor Trelawney? Heard you two talking about wine and ‘last night' at breakfast. No use denying.

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

Now you are getting jealous too, aren't you? But no, Sibyll doesn't exactly have your lips, or your hair, or your eyes, or your (I'm not sure about this, though) thing. Phallus. Wand.

Why did Draco Malfoy wink at you at dinner?

And why did you wink back?

I am only curious. I have no designs.

Severus

~~~

Professor,

Draco Malfoy and I have nothing between us. Really. Draco's Malfoy's just been bothering me lately, trying to seduce me. Not getting affected, no way. Just yesterday evening, as you saw, he attempted yet again. I promise I didn't kiss him in the Charms classroom and get shagged in the Astronomy Tower last night. Promise.

I certainly did not wink back. There was a dust mite or something in my eye.

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

I must admit that your ‘promise' made me even more suspicious of a relationship between you and Malfoy. But I must also admit that it's the most seductive scenario I can imagine at the moment. Your lips and his hair...

Where in the Astronomy Tower?

Severus

~~~

Dear Professor,

On the 5th floor, the room beside I repeat, there's nothing going on! Why are you so persistent...?

Meanwhile, you and Dra Malfoy would make a good couple, don't you think? Yes. Maybe you could invite him to your suite some evening or another, eh? And tell me all about it, of course...

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

You and I are a much better prospect, and I hope you agree. After all, you're already writing me. I think the idea of me and Malfoy is absurd, seeing as you're shagging him and I like you.

No, wait, he is shagging you...

You're a bottom! Joy!

Sev

~~~

Dear Professor,

I'm not always a bott I told you, there's nothing between me and him! How dense, exactly, are you?

Insider house-elf information states that tomorrow's dinner is teriyaki chicken. Yesss! I'm barely eating the whole day, to leave space...

Hey, wanna eat at our table?

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

Skipping meals is not healthy, especially if it's only to abuse your empty stomach at dinner. Didn't your mother ever teach you that? Oh, I forgot, you never had a mother... but anyway...

I am NOT dense, Mr. Potter; ten points from Gryffindor for such disrespect. Why, Malfoy himself told me you two were sleeping together. He told me not to tell anyone, but I'm telling you since it involves you after all. There.

As much as I want to eat at your table and see that tongue licking teriyaki sauce like there's no tomorrow, I don't think your silly Gryffindor friends would much appreciate it. Thanks but no thanks.

I invite you to come to my suite after dinner instead. If you wish.

Severus

~~~

Dear Professor,

He TOLD you?!? No, I can't come after dinner... I'm going to spend the time murdering him (or ravaging, perhaps, without there being much difference). I told him to keep it a secret! The bastard!

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

How did it go?

I am dying of laughter.

As you now probably know, he never told me anything. I merely conjectured, and of course I was right. I am always right.

How is it, sleeping with him? Is he any good? Or should I say, are you any good?

I shall now return to my Draco/Harry fantasies...

Severus

~~~

Professor!

Not only have you betrayed any trust I may have had in you, but you've also caused Draco Malfoy to know all about our letters. And to be angry with me for blaming him for telling you. Soon enough the entire school will know about this and we'll be the brunt of laughter. And it's all going be your fault.

Very disappointed in you,

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

I merely wanted to find out more about your late-night escapades. I am teacher, after all, and I care for your safety. I am not planning to use this information against you. I have taken the liberty of writing Draco Malfoy a short note: if he tells anyone about us writing, then he shall get a D in Potions for the rest of his student life. As you can see, everything is under control.

You still haven't answered my sex-with-Malfoy question. Who usually comes first?

Severus

~~~

Professor,

I'd rather not talk about sex-with-Malfoy, thank you. If you thought I was going to be okay with what you did because you've ‘got things under control,' think again: Draco refuses to speak to me still, and it's all because of you. Not to mention he also refuses to have any physical contact with me.

Hmph.

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

Well, in that case, the most (and only) logical thing to do is to sleep with me instead, am I correct? What am I doing wrong? Why do you find it so difficult to like me?

Come to my suite later. Please.

Severus

~~~

Professor,

Pedophilia is also a crime in the wizarding world, isn't it?

Your pride gets in the way. You've always thought you were right, and you still do until now. If you only took the time to even consider what other people feel! It's a complete turn off, your self-importance.

About that suite... how big is your bed?

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

My bed is big enough for two people to roll around comfortably in. A third person could fit as well, but there wouldn't be quite as much rolling around, unless the third person is a skinny blond...

I have only ever shared my bed with two people, what do you think of that?

About my pride: I'm sorry. Yes, I hereby admit that what I did was probably wrong, and I apologize sincerely. I'll write Malfoy too, and tell him to return to you, no matter how much it pains my heart, no matter how I'm burning with envy because he can have you and I cannot...

Yes, pedophilia is a crime, but no one has to know about it, you stupid boy. Professors sleep with their students everyday. It's a fact of life.

I really am sorry, though, about Malfoy.

Hehehe.. Really.

Severus

~~~

Professor,

Prof. Trelawney was one of the bed-sharers, wasn't she?

I'm surprised by the apology. I didn't expect that, not at all. I had no idea you were capable of remorse. Fine, I forgive you.........

The end-of-term tests are coming up, by the way... any pointers? (Imagine me frowning with puppy-dog eyes and luscious lips... mmm...)

Sealed with a big wet tongue,

Harry

~~~

Dear Harry,

Did you truly think I would fall for that?! You shall have to study everything like everyone else. Except for the Veritaserum ingredients, the lengthy list of bezoar's properties, and the entire lesson on wolfsbane. I cannot believe I told you all that.

It's the end of term and you still haven't been to see me. I think, if I'm not mistaken, that you like me. But I do not intend to wait forever. So here is a proposal: if you reply to this with a yes, it means you will come to my suite tonight for a bit of proper conversation and perhaps a lot of enjoyable activities. If you say no, I understand, and I shall leave you alone.

You'll say yes, I hope,

Severus

~~~

Dear Professor,

I'm really, really, really sorry, but no. Fine, I suppose I was just teasing you for better grades. And you've made me feel bad about it now. And I confess that even if I am the littlest bit ‘attracted' to you, I don't think it'll be enough. Draco's realized it was never my fault and we're back together again. And I believe in monogamy, so... I'm sorry. No.

Harry

PS: I hope you don't hold it against me.

~~~

Harry,

Consider this the last owl you will receive from me. I'm not going to hold it against you. At least not any more than I used to...

Goodbye forever, for now.

Severus

PS: I wonder if your friend Weasley is available?

~*~*~

Harry had just finished reading the letter when Ron burst into the room. Harry nearly fell off his bed trying to hide it behind his back and sit on it at the same time. Ron didn't know, of course, and now that it was officially over, he would never need to.

Harry smiled at him and tried to look innocent.

Ron raised a suspicious eyebrow, not taking his eyes off Harry as he crossed the room to his own bed. “You're hiding something from me...”

“No I'm not—where'd you get that idea?” Harry shifted a bit. His hands were half crushed by his own arse, and they were starting to grow numb. He waited warily as Ron pulled open his nightstand drawer and began shuffling through the contents.

“What are you looking for?”

“The star chart I was doing last night...” One moment Ron was indeed concentrating on his search, and the next he was struggling to take the letter from under Harry.

Ron ran off when he got it, giving him a few precious milliseconds to glance at it before Harry could snatch it back.

“What'd you do that for?” Harry had worked very hard to hide this from anyone besides Draco. He wondered if Ron had read anything.

“Harry, come on, if you're writing love notes to anyone, you know you can tell me.”

Harry waited, but there was not another word. So Ron hadn't seen whom the note was from, and just as well, because if he had, he'd be having an alarming fit right now. Harry hid his relief as best he could, employing an angry, upset demeanor to make Ron guilty.

“Hey, don't tell me you're... wait.” Ron had been checking the mess on his bed for the missing star chart, and now held up a folded piece of parchment. “Where'd this come from?” he muttered, and forgot all about Harry's love notes as he opened it.

He was silent as he read. Harry noticed that his face flushed deeper with every line, and when he was done, it was an impossible shade of puce. He offered Harry a shaky, embarrassed wince of a smile, his knuckles gripping the letter so tightly that they had turned white.

“Well, who from?”

“From Pr—Percy,” he replied so quickly that it was almost suspicious. “He... er... wrote to tell me to Severu—I mean, sever—ties with you again. The usual.”

“Oh... well, I'd better go down and do my homework then...” Harry stood, furtively shoving his own letter into the pocket of his robes, hoping it would be completely forgotten. And it was.

“Er, all right... I'll just... reply to this awhile... go ahead, then.” Ron, with his face still beet red (no doubt from extreme anger), picked up a quill.

Harry left, but Ron didn't seem to notice.

Ron paced frantically about the room, not knowing what to do. And after a while he stopped, took the letter, and read again:

Ronald Weasley:

I never imagined I would tell you this, but I am madly in love with you. If you laugh, I will kill you. If you smirk, I will throttle you. If you tell anyone what I have revealed, I will put a permanent lifelong-memory charm on you, throw you surreptitiously into Azkaban, and leave you for the rest of your existence wondering who and where you are.

If you are frowning at this juncture, know that I want to have those pouting lips and take all the world's pleasure from them...

The End
(or is it?)

© 2005 by mg