The Seduction of Severus Snape

Chapter 3: The Great Cookie Caper

* ~ September 21 ~ *

I seriously am going to end up pissing myself laughing before this thing is over. Allow me to explain.

The weekend was put to good use, making the cookies. And thinking up more tasks. Yes, I was assigned yet another task to complete. But, I'll get to that later. Anyway, we ran off down to the kitchens, ordered all the ingredients from the house elves, and started baking. We had to bake the cookies ourselves so that we could cast the spell. It was... Interesting, to say the least. And extremely messy. But I won't bore you with the details... Except that I made sure Colin would have to take at least three showers before he got the cookie dough out of his hair.

Anyway, cookies were made, blah blah. Colin still acts like a doof around me and refuses to say anything as to what his feelings are. So... Bugger Colin. And then the time came to deliver the cookies... Which was rather successful, I must say.

Early Monday morning, I snuck into the potions classroom and placed the tray of cookies upon Professor Snape's desk, then snuck out just as stealthily. I was not noticed by anyone, and so was able to pull off the first stage of the plan successfully.

Breakfast went by rather uneventfully, and since we had potions first thing, I got Luna to come with me to the potions classroom at my usual early time and wait at the back of the classroom with me. When we arrived, the cookies remained untouched, and Professor Snape hadn't come to class yet. In fact, we were the only ones in the classroom.

We were still the only students present when, only a minute or so later, Professor Snape came sweeping into the classroom, looking as if he were in a particularly foul mood. He made it to his desk and started looking for his quill before he even noticed the cookies.

He looked them over suspiciously for a little bit as I watched him from the corner of my eyes, pretending to be deeply involved in a book. Then he started muttering charms at them, and then after that just stared at them for a bit longer. And then, checking to make sure that Luna and I were indeed paying him absolutely no attention, he tentatively bit into one of them. I almost jumped up and shouted with joy, but I managed to keep control of myself and merely smirk from behind my book. He chewed pensively for a bit, then ate the rest of the cookie with a rather satisfied look on his face as he stashed the rest in his desk. Note to self: Snape is a cookie fiend. Excellent bribery material.

So, the rest of the students slowly filtered in, and then the bell rang and the lesson began. And that sexy beast (breast) was still showing no signs of side effects. "How long does it take for this spell to work?" I whispered to Luna anxiously as we copied down notes about advanced healing potions from the board.

"A quaglar," she answered, writing her notes in lyrical form. I decided not to question her any further.

The signs of the spell started to show themselves, though, about halfway through the class. I decided to, against my usual custom, draw attention to myself by answering a question. I waited patiently with my hand in the air until he looked at me, and then... He just stared blankly at me for a few moments, blinking. "...Miss Page?" he finally growled, frowning intensely. I gave him the answer, and he grunted, awarding no points as he continued the lecture, glancing back at me a few times.

When he turned his back, I nudged Luna a few times to make sure that she'd noticed it, and she did. The plan was working!

Anyway, since we had a double, the notes were followed by a practical session. So, Professor Snape roamed around the classroom, checking our progress. When he got close to me, I noticed that his glare was particularly venomous, which did not bode well. Then, of course, I had to go and drop my stirring spoon under the desk. I crawled underneath it to grab the spoon as quickly as I could, and then I came back out, started to stand out... And shouldered him in the ass. Everyone had seen it. There was almost utter silence as he slowly turned around, scowling at me. "Miss Page," he hissed. I gulped. "Detention." And then he walked away. Hmm, not as bad as I'd expected.

The rest of the class was rather uneventful, except that I think Professor Snape was actually trying to ignore me, rather than doing so out of habit. After the bell rang, I was the slowest to get my things together (as always) and he called me up to his desk. Sometimes I wonder if Professor Snape is a speed freak. Perhaps this was a reaction to the spell or something like that, but he was acting a bit strange. He tapped his foot constantly and kept shifting his eyes around, like he expected someone to come hurtling out of the shadows and attack him. "Professor?" I asked. He frowned.

"You will report to my office at eight o'clock tonight, Miss Page. Dismissed."

"Yes, sir."

So, detention tonight. Rather unfitting for a school prefect, but I never thought I deserved the position, anyway. Sort of makes me wonder about the standards. Eh.

Another boring day. Bah. Ginny and Colin seemed to get some amusement out of my retelling of the events in potions class, at least. They thought it was very funny that I shouldered Professor Snape in the ass.

Anyway, eight o'clock rolled around and I headed down to the dungeons for my horrifically sexy detention with Professor Snape. Bracing myself for back-breaking labor, I entered Professor Snape's office to see him staring despondently down at a small fire, crackling in his fireplace. It was strange, actually, because he usually never keeps a fire there. And, upon turning my attention to his desk, I noticed that everything was shifted around and out of place, many of the more obtrusive items laying on the floor. As if he'd knocked them down... In, I don't know, a fit of rage, or something. Again, strange. And he hadn't noticed me yet. I cleared my throat loudly. "Professor?" Starting slightly, he turned to me, scowling.

"Miss Page," he muttered, eyeing me suspiciously.

"I'm... Er... Here for my detention."

"Ah... Yes... Of course." He seemed rather out of sorts.

"Er... So... What should I do?" He blinked slowly, scowling.

"Clean up this mess." And then he swept out of the room. Bah! He makes a mess and I have to clean it up? I barely even clean up after myself! Well, I thought, maybe I'll find something sexy. Or get to snoop in his desk.

Well, of course, it just so happened that his desk was locked tight. There wasn't even anything personal on the desk! It figures. There were a few letters though, mostly from the Headmaster. One was unopened, with a green wax seal, but I couldn't see anything through the envelope when I held it up to the light. Not that I was looking through his things... Heh.

It didn't take long to clean everything up, so I spent most of my time looking for something that would help me in my pursuit. In fact, I think Snape might have forgotten about me, because I spent two hours in there with no sign of him. Then, when he finally did come back, he looked at me with a surprised expression and said, "Oh. You're still here?" Needless to say, that was the end of my detention. Rather disappointing, if I do say so myself.

* ~ October 1 ~ *

Right. It's been a while, but we've been at a stalemate with the good Professor. Apparently, the charm on the cookies wasn't very strong, because it didn't really do much. Then, no one could come up with a good idea. I was thinking of asking Dad, but then knowing him he'd probably arrange a wedding or something. He's weird like that. I could just imagine him with a daisy chain on his head, throwing pink flower petals about... Because I've seen it before. Not to mention those ridiculous bunny pajamas.

Anyway, it's been over a week and all anyone can really think of is to write another love letter (which I've done) and to address Professor Snape by his given name. Which I attempted today, to the complete horror of all. Well, not really. But I still got a detention. Allow me to tell the tale.

I was in potions class, quite aware of my task, and ready to get it over with. However, an opportunity never came up. Snape asked a few questions, of course, but he never called on me. And then we went on to the practical part of the lesson, so I was sure that our plans were foiled. Thanks to Luna, though, I was given the perfect opportunity.

The recipe for the potion called for mooncalf dung (ick) so we were using that rather liberally. Luna was holding a vial of it, when, just as Professor Snape was approaching, she suddenly got butterfingers. (Whether purposely or not, I'm sure I will never know.) Anyway, he stepped on the small glob of dung, which happened to be very slippery, and went down like a ton of bricks. Which was actually pretty funny, considering he always glides around so gracefully. So everyone looked over and gasped and went, "Oh my!" and that's when I realized that it was my chance to get the task done. I leaned over Luna, looked down at him, and put on a concerned expression (even though I knew that he would be fine, and was trying very hard not to burst out laughing at any second. Not that I'm insensitive.)

"Oh dear!" I exclaimed in a rather convincing tremor, I do declare. "Severus, are you alright?" There was utter, all-consuming silence. It lasted for what seemed like an eternity. There wasn't even any sound of crickets chirping. "Er... Really, though. Are you alright?" Ever so slowly, he got to his feet and drew himself up to his full height.

"What was that, Miss Page?" And, wow, it sounded really sexy. Although it was also infused with unspeakable rage.

"I asked if you were alright," I answered unsurely. He glared daggers at me, apparently still waiting for a proper answer. "Well... Er... I think it was justified. I mean, that was a rather nasty fall, Severus."

It was like a potion had just exploded. Oh, the horror. Somewhere in the jumble of scoldings and swear words (alright, so there was only one) I managed to make out, "Thirty points from Ravenclaw!" and "Detention!"

Speaking of which, it's time for detention right now. So, I'd better get going. If I'm late, Professor Snape might curse me out again.

* ~ October 2 ~ *

Two words: Ungrateful swine.

* ~ October 3 ~ *

Alright, so I didn't have much time to spare for words yesterday. I think I was descriptive enough, though. Right? Huh. Well, anyway, I suppose I'll start from the detention, which was with, of all people, Filch. Can you say, "Anal-retentive?" He made me polish every suit of armor on the second floor, and honestly, he's like my mother! Every other minute it was, "You're supposed to rub in circles," or "You missed a spot," or "You call that clean? It's filthy!" Really, I was about to shove the can of polish down his scratchy little throat, the bastard.

Ahem. So, I was on my way back to Ravenclaw tower when I passed by the infirmary, and who should I see but Professor Snape! Of course, being the kind and gentle soul that I am, I supposed at the time that an apology would be appropriate. Apparently, though, he wasn't in the mood for apologies. The moment the word "Professor" came out of my mouth, he whirled around and practically bit my head off.

After, "Damn students always badgering me," I sort of tuned him out and just waited for him to be on his way. Near the end of it, I thought I heard him say something that sounded suspiciously like, "Your mad bastard of a father," but I can't be too sure. He was probably just ranting randomly by that time. Eventually, he fell silent, glared intensely at me, and stalked off. He was muttering to himself. Now I'm sure that he's either at least a little insane or ritually consuming some type of illegal substance.

Filch and Snape weren't the only ones being ungrateful swine. Mostly, it was Colin. Ah, Colin: THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. Bastards, all of them. Perhaps I should elaborate, though. I'll try to ignore the pain and humiliation of recounting the events of such a sensitive subject.

So, I was sitting outside by the lake with Luna, discussing our latest Transfiguration assignment. It was really tough; I don't know what McGonagall was thinking. But anyway, we were sitting outside together when I saw Colin and Ginny heading our way, talking about... I don't know, something. They walked over to us, sat down, and smiled wickedly. In sync. Which is always a bad thing, no matter who you're talking about.

"We've got a new task for you," Ginny said. I could tell it was a tough one, from the way she was saying it.

"Well, what is it?" I wasn't in the mood to beat about the bush.

"You see," Colin started, grinning, "Peeves has stopped up all the toilets in the dungeons, including Snape's."

"And?"

"And the faculty toilets, as well. All the teachers have to use the student bathrooms."

"Aaaand it's very convenient for the next task," Ginny added. I waited patiently. "You'll walk in on him, you know... Doing his thing!"

"And how will this-"

"It's funny," she interrupted. I turned to Colin.

"And what are you so happy about?"

"Oh, well..." He cleared his throat a bit. "Once you see Snape's thing... Well, it's got to be disgusting, right?"

"Uhuh. Right." Back to Ginny. "And how am I supposed to just walk in on him? I don't know where or when he'll be going."

"Colin overheard him complaining about how he has to do patrol duty on the fourth floor. And, everyone knows that there's only one bathroom on the fourth floor."

"Plus," Colin interjected, "he drank a lot of tea."

"If we hurry, we can catch him." Ginny grabbed me and tried to pull me up. I just went along with it and let them drag me into the castle and to the fourth floor. Luna was strangely silent the whole time.

Ginny and Colin played lookout for me, while Luna waited for me. When I asked Ginny why she was so enthusiastic about this task, I was quite surprised by the answer. "I heard one of the Slytherin girls saying that it was cut, and I was just curious. That's all." I decided not to ask how that certain Slytherin came across such information and instead focused myself on the task ahead. It wasn't long before Professor Snape was walking down the corridor and made a beeline for the men's room. That was my cue, so Luna pushed me forward and we all gathered around the door while I braced myself. I had the sinking feeling that I was going to be physically injured when I entered the bathroom.

With a deep breath, I stepped through the swinging door. And stopped. And stared. He was using a urinal... And Ginny was right. He was cut. And... There was only one word to describe it. WOW. Yes, in capitals. I couldn't move, I couldn't blink; I could only stare. And he didn't even notice me! Probably because it took a lot of concentration to aim that magnificent beast... I was thoroughly enjoying the view when Ginny came waltzing in. "Hey, what's taking so- oh, WOW! Look at that, it's- just wow!" He froze. He closed his eyes very slowly, then opened them and looked at us. Signal shit hitting fan.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"

"Could we touch it, sir?" Believe it or not, that was Ginny.

"GET OUT!!" We turned heel and ran as fast as we could, all the way down to the entrance hall and back out of the castle. We practically flew out of there, Luna and Colin on our heels. Detention awaited us for sure. Anyway, when we finally stopped to catch our breaths I decided to ask Ginny just what was going through her mind.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I asked. "Have you completely lost your mind?"

"No," she answered indignantly.

"I thought you hated Snape!"

"I did- I do. I mean, he's ugly and greasy and all... But did you get a load of that cock? It was bloody magnificent!"

"Alright. I agree with that." I paused. "Damn, that was- Damn."

"He was hung like a horse," she agreed.

"Forget the horse, I'd ride him any day." And, of course, Colin got angry *cough*jealous*cough*.

"What are you talking about?" he complained. "That's disgusting! How could you? I mean- augh! Where are your standards?"

"I happen to have very high standards," I answered. Ginny was too busy drooling over the memory of Snape to say anything. Not that I blamed her.

"Oh, yeah right! You're busy chasing after a greasy bastard like Snape, but- but... But..." He trailed off, going quite red in the face. Ginny and Luna had the good grace to back away, out of hearing range.

"But what?" I crossed my arms, waiting for him to say something. Anything!

"But... He's ugly, alright!"

"In comparison to whom?" I insisted.

"Well- anyone!" Colin is such a doof. Really, he just cannot pick up a hint.

"Really? Anyone?"

"I'm better looking!" I looked at him for a very long time. He turned even more red.

"...So you're saying... What, exactly?" I'll be damned if I give in.

"Nothing." He turned around and fled. ASS. What a doofy mcwimperton. And hey, I didn't make that phrase up. My dad did.

So, at breakfast today I got a letter in the post giving me another detention with Filch, along with a letter from Dad. And... I could have died of embarrassment. Apparently, sneaking a peek at a teacher's goods warrants writing to parents, because he mentioned it in the letter. And he thought it was funny! I could just imagine him, opening the official school letter, laughing his ass off with Mum scolding him for being too loud or something. And here's a little bit of trauma from the letter: "Well, if I'd known you were that enthusiastic, I'm sure I could have arranged something with the headmaster! Hah!" My. Father. Is. Dead. Right now.

And, of course, things did not improve at all throughout the day. We had Transfiguration and handed in our papers, and when I handed mine in McGonagall gave me one of her "You're a disgraceful piece of shit" looks, which I knew meant that the whole staff must know of yesterday's incident. Dammit. And, of all the people to run into in the hallway after such a thing! Headmaster Dumbledore himself! And he actually looked at me as if he were amused! More trauma. Well, Blaise Zabini always said he was a dirty old man.

...No more mentioning Blaise, then. Time for bed.