An Earthquake is Occurring Upon Cornelius Fudge's Cheek

There is an Earthquake Occurring Upon Cornelius Fudge's Cheek

Cornelius Fudge was the British Minister of Magic. Now, he had been under a lot of stress lately, so the last thing he needed was something strange happening. "The last thing I need is something strange happening," said Cornelius Fudge. See what I mean? But, something strange did happen that day, and that is what I am going to tell you about. You see, Albus Dumbledore was claiming that the Dark Lord was back, but Cornelius Fudge didn't believe him, not one bit. "I don't believe him," said Cornelius Fudge. "Not one bit." He was much too smart for that. "I'm much too smart for that," Cornelius Fudge continued. He passed a sign. It said free pie. "Yay!" said Cornelius Fudge. He followed the sign.

The sign, mysteriously enough, moved, and the closer Cornelius Fudge got, the further away it moved. "Hey!" cried Cornelius Fudge. "This sign is moving! Wait for me, sign!" Little did he know, the sign was being carried by none other than... BUM BUM BUM... LUCIUS MALFOY!!!!!! Little did Lucius Malfoy know, however, was that it wasn't the actual sign that was supposed to be moving in this gag, but the pie.

"Shut up!" Lucius Malfoy shouted at the narrator. "I've no time to bake pies!"

"What?" barked Cornelius Fudge. "No pie?!? Then I'm leaving." Cornelius Fudge tossed his hair indignantly and ran off back to the land of the staplers and other potentially dangerous office supplies.

"Darn the luck!" whined Lucius Malfoy. "I'm not whining!" he whined again. "I hate the narrator!" Boy, Lucius Malfoy sure likes to whine... And kick signs that say "Free pie" on them. Lucius Malfoy decided to try another evil plan. As a matter of fact, this plan was eviler.

Minutes and minutes passed before Cornelius Fudge finally stopped working and decided to take another little stroll around the building. He was unaware, though, that Lucius Malfoy was waiting for him with another evil plan at hand. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! As Cornelius Fudge walked through the Muggle-Whatever-Majigger Department, he bumped into Arthur Weasley. "I AM THOR THE EAGLE!!!" Arthur Weasley shouted, transforming into a giganterous golden eagle surrounded by crackling golden lightning, then flying off laughing hysterically.

"That Arthur Weasley," said Cornelius Fudge, shaking his head. "He lacks proper wizarding pride!" (A/N: POO.) It wasn't long before Cornelius Fudge came to Lucius Malfoy's Department, the Department for Pooing Your Pants Then Eating It For Breakfast. "How's work going?" Cornelius Fudge asked.

"Delightful!" Lucius Malfoy answered, eating his poo for breakfast so as not to arouse suspicion.

"That's nice." Cornelius Fudge looked around at all the young men and women pooing their pants and eating it for breakfast with a nostalgic expression, then sighed wistfully. "I remember when I was in this Department," he said. "I loved pooing my pants and eating it for breakfast. I still do. I wish I could do it right now." Then he did. Then he decided to go.

Just as Cornelius Fudge was walking away, Lucius Malfoy threw an especially slippery poo in his path. It seemed as if Cornelius Fudge were heading for impending doom, but didn't even know it. Then, by some strange coincidence, Amos Diggory came by and stepped on the poo instead. He slipped and slid all over the place, then landed right in a pile of poo waiting to be eaten for breakfast. "Wow!" exclaimed Amos Diggory. "It sure is lucky that this big pile of poo was here to break my fall, or I would have been a goner for sure!" That's right, Amos Diggory!

"You said it," agreed Cornelius Fudge. It was much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much (A/N: ::Gasp for air::) much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much later (actually, only a couple of hours) when Cornelius Fudge was fed up with his paddle ball tournament with himself and set off on another walk.

By now, Lucius Malfoy had devised another, even more devilishly evil plan to capture Cornelius Fudge. "Soon he will be nestled in my bosom!" laughed Lucius Malfoy. Everyone around him kept their distance after hearing this remark. As Cornelius Fudge was taking a stroll through the Department of Chocolate, he came across a rather delectable looking bowl of chocolate mousse.

"Mmmm!" said Cornelius Fudge. "I love chocolate mousse!" He noticed that there was a sign sticking out of it that read: Eat me, Cornelius Fudge. "I'm giving the person who made this for me a raise! One more knut a year!" Cornelius Fudge then dove into the bowl of chocolate mousse and bathed in it (even though it was about a tenth of his size) and made love to it, then Lucius Malfoy snuck up behind him and caught him in a butterfly net. (Again, only about a tenth his size. Don't ask me to make sense of it, just keep reading it.) After catching him in the butterfly net, Lucius Malfoy knocked Cornelius Fudge unconscious and carried him off to a far away land. There, Lucius Malfoy did whatever evil deed he was up to and returned Cornelius Fudge to the Ministry of Magic. No one noticed any of this, by the way.

An hour or so later, Cornelius Fudge woke up at his desk in his office, looked around, and felt quite relieved. "What an awful dream!" he cried. "Imagine! Being caught in a butterfly net by Lucius Malfoy after making love to my chocolate mousse!" Cornelius Fudge laughed it up with his bad self, then set off on a walk, to stretch his legs. Once he was fully awake, Cornelius Fudge realized that his cheek was aching rather badly. As he was walking through the Department of Magical Earthquake Detectors, something incredible happened...

All the magical earthquake detectors went wild! They flew all over the place, dropping placentas on everyone! "Holy macaroni!" they all shouted. "The most gigantastical earthquake ever to shake the Earth is happening here, in this very office!" And Cornelius Fudge's cheek was aching worse than ever. It felt as if it were bouncing and shaking and being slapped around by a chipmunk! Then, everyone's eyes turned to Cornelius Fudge. They were all staring at him, as if he were some sort of Minister of Magic, or something... Then, in unison, they all shouted the same thing.

"THERE IS AN EARTHQUAKE OCCURRING UPON CORNELIUS FUDGE'S CHEEK!!!!!!!!!!!" Cornelius Fudge couldn't believe it, but it was true.

"OH NO!" he cried, clutching his cheek. "NOT MY CHEEK!!! I LOVE MY CHEEK!!!" But there was nothing anyone could do to stop it, and an earthquake occurred upon Cornelius Fudge's cheek. From over at wherever he was, Lucius Malfoy laughed maniacally, hopping up and down on his magical pogo stick of pain.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" laughed Lucius Malfoy maniacally. His evil deed had been done. An earthquake had occurred upon Cornelius Fudge's cheek.