If In The Beginning

Chapter Four: Peter

Degenerates

Some folks say

But God, Nature

Or somebody

Made them that way -Langston Hughes

Two hours after the others had finished their homework, Peter was still struggling with his. He heated Transfiguration. And he couldn´t afford to fail the upcoming exam, or else he´d have to repeat the sixth year.

It was getting rather late, and his eyelids were starting to involuntarily drop. Just as he decided to quit for the night, Remus came out of the dormitory, carrying James´s Invisibility Cloak.

"Where are you going?" asked Peter sleepily.

"Out," came Remus´s short reply. He slammed the portrait hole behind him as he left.

Peter was crushed. Usually Sirius was the one who was cross with him, and Remus was more patient. He gathered up his books and headed up the stairs.

"For God´s sakes, Sirius, will you tell me what´s going on between you and Remus?"

Peter stopped dead. Silently, he knelt down and put his eye to the keyhole.

Sirius was sitting on his bed. James was standing beside him, looking frustrated.

"You wouldn´t understand, James," said Sirius in a choked voice. "I´m not even sure I understand it myself."

The bedsprings squeaked as James sat down next to Sirius. "Come on," he said softly, "try me."

"You´ll think it´s weird."

"No I won´t, I promise." All was quiet for a few seconds. Then James said, "Sirius...you fancy him, don´t you."

Peter pulled back from the keyhole with a start. That had got to be the thickest idea James had ever had. Sirius would never fancy a boy. The only boys who fancied other boys were weak, pitiful losers who would never find a girlfriend. Not like himself, Peter insisted. He hadn´t sunk that low yet. The dreams he had about Remus would go away in time, he reasoned. He was straight. Yes. Straight. The dreams meant nothing. Nothing at all.

Sirius wasn´t anything like that. And Remus...no. Remus had his quirks, but being gay was not one of them.

"Yes," came Sirius´s reply from the other side of the door, "I do."

Peter gaped. No. No, it couldn´t be true. Not Sirius. If Sirius was gay, then Snape was fanatical about washing his hair and Peter would be Head Boy.

"How´d you know?" Sirius asked James.

"Easy," James said. "You look at Remus the same way I look at Lily."

"Do you think he feels the same way?"

"Yes, I do. Do you remember how you convinced me to ask Lily out? Now I´m returning the favor. Tell him how you feel."

That was the proof Peter needed. The world had gone mad. Even if, by some odd chance, Sirius was gay, Remus would never fancy him. Remus wasn´t that way. He was too kind, and smart, and handsome....NO. He wasn´t going to think that. If he disciplined his mind, the perverted thoughts would go away.

"I can´t tell him," said Sirius. Peter could hear the tears in his voice. "He´s not gay, remember Amoria? And I don´t want to risk his friendship by telling him something like that. He´d never look at me the same way again. Things are awkward enough as it is. I´m afraid to be close to him, afraid to touch him, afraid he´ll figure it out and reject me..."

Of course Remus would never look at him the same way again, Peter thought. He´d look at Sirius like a freak. Because that was what he was. That was what all of them were.

"Well, things could be a little weird if he doesn´t have the same feelings for you," James admitted. "But I think he does. And I think you should tell him."

James must have lost his mind. How could he encourage this? Didn´t he know how sick it was? Peter had always admired James, wanted to be like him. Now his opinion crashed to the floor. Not able to stand anymore, he stood up and stormed down the stairs. He should study more, he thought, get his mind off things.

*

The library was nearly empty, seeing as it only had another half an hour left until it closed. The only people there, aside from Madam Pince, were Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, a seventh-year who was Beelzebub Malfoy´s cousin.

Peter sat down at on of the circular tables and began to study. However, he couldn´t concentrate, because he kept hearing Snape and Malfoy whispering behind him. Ignore them, he thought. Study. Discipline of the mind. Yes. The turned the page of his book.

He heard the noise of someone clearing their throat beside him. He looked up. They were standing next to him.

"No friends to protect you tonight, Pettigrew?" asked Malfoy, sneering.

"I don´t need them to protect me," said Peter, summoning every ounce of courage he possessed. "Besides," he added, "I´m not sure they´re my friends anymore." No, they weren´t. He wasn´t friends with a bunch of queers and queer-lovers.

To his surprise, Snape pulled out a chair and sat next to him. "I always thought you were different than them, Pettigrew," he said. The red lettering on his forehead was getting lighter. Peter nodded. Maybe he wasn´t as bright, but at least he wasn´t a pervert.

"You know what?" Malfoy said suddenly, "why don´t you come down to the Potions dungeon on the twenty-fifth? We´re having a sort of...meeting there. I think you´d be interested."

Peter thought. The twenty-fifth was the night of the full moon, but that didn´t matter to him anymore. "Sure," he said. "I´ll be there."