Sharpening the Savage Quill

At breakfast in the Great Hall, someone's pet toad was loose again. Hopping past pairs of Slytherin ankles, if it had not been color-blind it would have been quite surprised to come across four shockingly bright socks surrounded by so much black and grey. One pair was a brilliant peacock blue, the other magenta with a bit of a ruffle around the edge. Above the table, two blond heads leaned together, whispering.

"...It's a Love Potion, I'm sure!" fifth year Rita Skeeter hissed, withdrawing from her companion to sip her pumpkin juice with a triumphant smirk.

"Well, good for her," Gilderoy Lockhart replied. "I don't see why all the girls fancy him with a smile like that! Just because he's a Beater...." He couldn't quite manage to conceal his bitterness about the other boy's popularity.

"Yes, Gil, and when you do have such a lovely grin," Rita conceded, a bit exasperated. He may have been her best friend, but sometimes Gilderoy missed her point completely.

"Really, though," she tried again, "aren't you totally shocked? Ludo Bagman falling all over himself for a Bulstrode!"

Gilderoy shrugged. "One too many Bludgers to the head for him, I suppose. Anyway, Rita, you promised you'd help me with that Transfiguration essay."

"Oh, right. History of Magic's in a minute, though. We'd better be off." Rita drained her goblet, set it down with a clunk, and headed out of the Great Hall.

That evening, Rita and Gilderoy spread their homework out in a quiet corner of the Slytherin common room and set to work. It was, as usual, something of a joint effort: Rita explained the theory behind Animagus transformations for McGonagall's assignment, and in return Gilderoy allowed her to practice the last week's new charms on him. Despite this collaboration, they were average students at best, as most of their study time was spent snickering about the latest morsel of gossip Rita had heard.

At ten o'clock, Gilderoy gathered his books together, looking forward to his nightly bath. He was quite enamored with the new, curl-enhancing shampoo he'd purchased in Hogsmeade the previous weekend. Rita only sighed and pulled out her Divination materials.

"Didn't you just do your predictions last week?" Gilderoy asked.

"I have to rewrite them."

Gilderoy reached for Rita's parchment, which was marked with a great deal of red ink. "It almost looks like a Howler!" he giggled. Scanning the page, he read, This assignment pertains to your own fate. The fates of other students are irrelevant here. "I've had something like this from Binns. 'Please focus on what the wizards did, not what they wore!' You know, when he turned all ghostly on us last year, I thought maybe he'd loosen up a bit."

"That maybe he'd start to live a little?"

"Don't think I hadn't thought of that one!" Gilderoy teased, waggling his finger in front of Rita's nose. "It's pretty bad, though, you have to admit."

She glowered up at Gilderoy, snatching her parchment out of his hand. "Oh, go on! You don't want to be late for your date with Sir Curls-A-Lot!"

* * *

"Well, look who's finally decided to grace the common room with his presence," Rita announced rather loudly as Gilderoy sashayed in from the boys' dormitories on Sunday morning. A group of first years looked up from their game of Exploding Snap, but the older students had learned long ago to ignore Gilderoy's penchant for making grand entrances. "You missed a nice breakfast for the sake of your beauty sleep."

"I dare say you could use a bit more of it yourself," Gilderoy sniffed, smoothing his hands along his already perfect curls. He knew from experience not to tell Rita he thought she could do with a bit less breakfast as well.

"Anyway," Rita said, swiftly changing the subject, "how about a nice day by the lake?"

"Well, I suppose that would benefit my complexion."

She suppressed a desire to roll her eyes. "Yes, springtime does wonders for one's appearance, I'm sure. Now, come on, you won't believe what I have to tell you!" Rita hopped up from her green velvet armchair.

"What, you heard something about me?" Gilderoy beamed hopefully as they hurried out into the dungeon corridor.

Just last Saturday, the students of Hogwarts had piled on their cloaks and scarves for the trip to Hogsmeade, but now, relaxing on the great, green lawn, Gilderoy Lockhart was able to comfortably roll his sleeves up to the elbows, giving his forearms the beginnings of a tan.

"So, what is it, Rita? Ludo's been wondering about my new secret weapon, hasn't he? Yes, I'm sure he would like to get acquainted with Sir Curls-A-Lot. Or--Oh! Of course!" Gilderoy's grin spread across his face, showing all of his teeth. "He's finally got up the courage to ask me for a quick tooth-straightening charm. That must be it. Don't know why it's taken him all this year, though. It's a simple procedure-- "

"Gil, it was a Love Potion!"

"Wha--What are you talking about?"

"A Love Potion! Elmira Bulstrode! I knew it!" Rita was so thrilled to finally tell this secret to someone, she didn't even notice the way Gilderoy was staring at her blankly, still smiling. He was sure everyone must have noticed his lovely locks by now, and he didn't quite understand why Rita would want to discuss anything else.

"Gil, I saw her do it this morning! Elmira slipped it into Ludo's pumpkin juice. They were sitting right near me. She must have given him a dose before, though ... Maybe it wears off after a while...." Slightly breathless, Rita waited for Gilderoy to respond, but he only patted his hair again distractedly. She grabbed him squarely by the shoulders and shook him hard.

"Yes, Rita?" he smiled, snapping to attention.

"Are you daft?" she all but yelled. "This is huge!"

"Rita, my dear, why are you so concerned with Elmira Bulstrode's love life? She's entirely unimpressive. And Ludo!" Gilderoy spluttered to a stop as a look of disgust dawned on his face. "Oh, Rita, please tell me you don't fancy him. Why, he's--"

"Shut it, Gilderoy," she said sharply, the color rising in her cheeks.

Sighing, he reached down to inspect a scuffmark on the toe of his left shoe. Rita began muttering to herself, sounding frighteningly determined as she shredded blades of grass with her fuchsia nails.

"She's horrid and ugly, and she cheats on her Transfiguration homework-- "

"Er, Rita, I still can't help wondering what this has to do with you," Gilderoy interrupted. Of course, he now knew perfectly well what it had to do with her. Rita had always refused to display any hint of vulnerability, even around him, and now he was dying to see the look on her face as she admitted she fancied Ludo Bagman.

Recovering herself, Rita swept the pile of plant matter from her lap and looked up at her friend with narrowed eyes. Gilderoy knew he was out of luck. "Say, Gil, I thought you said it was your mum who fixed your teeth, anyway."

"Well, er, of course I was there when she did it ... Corrige dentis or something. I'm sure it would be a cinch to repeat for old Bagman." Gilderoy flushed. Rita never missed a thing.

They both fell into silence. Gilderoy began to inspect his fingernails, while Rita stared out across the lake, where the giant squid had surfaced and was waving its tentacles languidly in the midday sun.

"I just wish I could get her," Rita said suddenly after several long minutes.

"She's not doing anything against school rules, is she?"

"No, but ... even if I could just ... She'd be so embarrassed if everyone found out!"

"She'd murder you."

"Thanks for the confidence," Rita replied, making a face. "But if she didn't know it was me...."

Just then, Gilderoy noticed a band of Hufflepuffs walking along behind Rita. Eric Midgen, a sixth year, was carrying the fat Sunday edition of the Daily Prophet under his arm.

"A paper!" Gilderoy exclaimed, smiling again.

"Hmm?"

"You can start a paper."

"Gil," Rita said, her expression brightening, "that's just about the best idea you've ever had."

* * *

The common room was empty that afternoon, but Rita and Gilderoy were still quieter than they ever had been before, sitting close together at an old desk. "The Hogwarts Herald" was scrawled across the parchment that lay directly in front of Rita. With her favorite aquamarine quill, she scribbled absently over the rejected titles that had been written in the upper left corner of the page, whispering, "This has to be anonymous, of course."

Gilderoy nodded, twirling a lock of hair around his finger. Rita had never entered into her schoolwork with such fervor as she had now for her newspaper, and he was beginning to think that perhaps he never should have suggested it. He really would have preferred to distance himself from Rita's personal vendetta against Elmira Bulstrode, but, three hours after the paper's conception, he was still deeply involved. And the last thing he wanted was to find himself at the business end of Elmira's wand--or even worse, her fist.

"Er, Rita?"

She stopped her scribbling and tilted her head almost imperceptibly toward him.

"Have you considered the possibility she might work out that it's us? She may be a bit thick, but, well, you do have a bit of a reputation."

Rita raised her eyebrows.

"For--for knowing things, you know?"

"Really?" she smiled. It wasn't often that Gilderoy complemented anyone except for himself. "You think so?"

"Well, sure." Gilderoy hoped so, anyway, and that, as his best friend, she was helping to promote his good looks and devastating charm to the rest of the school.

"All right," Rita replied slowly. "We'll just have to put in something about ourselves then."

As she spoke, Ned Parkinson, a dark-haired fifth year with a rather short nose, entered the common room with a sixth year girl. "Heather Hornby," Rita muttered, watching the pair furtively out of the corner of her eye as they settled down on the end of a cushy settee. Throwing them a quick, irritated glance, she hunched her shoulders protectively over her parchment and returned to work.