Father of Mine

[CRASH! BANG! BOOM!
In a humble castle on some British moor, a newborn baby's scream cracked the night. It was also very rainy and dramatic outside.]

Cecily: [glowing, not at all gross] "Oh, brother, I know that I am to die..."

Darius: "No, you mustn't say such a thing!"

Cecily: "But I must! When she is of age, send her to Hogwarts. Her father, he is a professor there, he may accept her after she has proven her worth as a person..."

Darius: "As you will. What shall we name the girl?"

Cecily: "Pepper."

Darius: "Pepper?"

Cecily: "...Because she really spiced up our lives!"

Darius: "Oh."

Cecily: "Soon I shall expire! Ohhhhh!!"

Darius: "Wait! You said that her father is a professor at Hogwarts. Who is he?"

Cecily: "He is that suave young genius, Severus Snape."

[CRASH! BOOM!!]

**********

Eleven years later...

[A bunch of nervous first year students are packed into the Great Hall, scared of all the crazy older students hooting and hollaring and carrying on.]

Prof. McGonagall: "...Kairnes, Krista!"

Sorting Hat: "Slytherin!"

Prof. McGonagall: "...Kellor, Pepper!"

Snape: [inside his head] "What? Kellor? What a strange coincidence that she looks like my long-lost love, has the same last name and a strange first name, which is very much Cecily's style, and is the same age as a long-lost lovechild would be if one existed."

Harry: [inside his head] "I thought I was the only character who could have personal monogue!"

Snape: [pointedly, but still inside his head] "Don't be dense, Potter. This is my fanfic."

Sorting Hat: "Hmm, interesting... related to a venemous professor here at Hogwarts... well, to make this story interesting, I think it'll have to be... Gryffindor!"

Snape: [inside his head] "What was that infernal hat talking about?"

Madame Hooch: [leaning over] "Hey, Severus, is that girl related to you?"

Snape: "What makes you think so?"

Madame Hooch: "She has your hair."

Pepper's hair: [drip, drip]

Snape: "Why, that's just because she was out in the rain! No relation!"

Madame Hooch: "Then why is she leaving a black trail?"

Pepper's hair: [drip, drip]

Lockhart: "Maybe I should loan her some of my clarifying shampoo!"

Snape: "Isn't this supposed to take place during the third year so that my arch nemesis' best friend is here to mess with me about her, so thusly your presence makes absolutely no sense?"

Lockhart: "Oops!" [pop]

Lupin: "There we go."

Snape: "You know, this useless jabber has no purpose here. This is supposed to be a serious story about a father finding a heart working with his awkward but loveable daughter..."

[Everyone bursts out laughing]

Lupin: "Hahaha! Good one!"

Snape: "Hahaha! Yeah, I know... this is really just a farce of the many sap stories trying to give me more of a soul."

[Everyone laughs harder]

**********

[In the Gryffindor common room]

Harry: "That last scene was stupid. It should have had me making out with Cho or something."

Ron: "You don't like Cho yet."

Hermione: "Besides, this fic doesn't even center around us. This scene is supposed to be about that shy little girl in the corner looking forlornly through an Avon catalog for clarifying shampoo."

Harry: "Hey, we can still be a part of the story! We can... get Snape to grow a soul and a love for his daughter who he'd never even known existed in like a month!"

Hermione: "That's silly. Let's just go stuff Scabbers with vomit-flavored beans then put him in Filch's office."

Harry: "Naw, I'd rather go look for some action." [walks up to Lavendar & Parvati] "Anyone up for some snogging?"

Hermione: "I don't think I like this writer's concept of Fanfic Harry. He's a bit of a perv."

Ron: "Yeah, like you're staying in-character! ' Let's just go stuff Scabbers with vomit-flavored beans then put him in Filch's office'! That is not a Hermione kind of line."

Hermione: "Well the writer of this story is very bored right now and can't think of anything for Pepper to do right now, so she's filling the time with random crap in hopes of making someone laugh."

Ron: "Pathetic."

**********

The next morning...

[In the first-year girls' dorm]

Pepper: "So, what's my schedule look like today? Defence Against the Dark Arts and Potions... hmm, those sound like fun, although I've never been very good at potions. Hopefully I will have a kind teacher to guide me through these difficult times and help make me a better witch."

Maxine: "Ha ha, you're so doomed."

Pepper: "Why?"

Maxine: "Snape, that's why. He's the reason my older sister, Sierra, transferred to Beauxbatons last year; he made her cry after every class."

Pepper: "Oh, well then, I'll be strong. Tell me, what does he look like?"

Maxine: "He has a big beaky nose, and greasy black hair, a lot like yours when you first got here."

Pepper: "Oh. By the way, thanks for letting me borrow your shampoo, that was a lifesaver."

Maxine: "No problem."

Pepper: "Wait a minute..."

[Wavey dream sequence]

Cute little 6-year-old Pepper: "Uncle Darius, what's my real daddy like?"

Darius: "I don't really know. All I know is that he has a big beaky nose, greasy black hair, and his name... is Severus Snape."

[CRASH! BOOM!!]

Pepper: [mouth freezes in an "O" shape, but doesn't say anything.]

Maxine: "You... okay?"

Pepper: "..."

Maxine: "Okay, then..."

**********

That afternoon...

[Pepper is nervously waiting in the Potions classroom with other first years. The back door slams open and in walks... Severus Snape! CRASH BANG BOOM!!]

Snape: "There will be no silly wand-waving, for Potions is a--" [sees Pepper] "Uhm... pull out your textbooks..."

Pepper: [mouth still in an "O"]

Maxine: [whispering] "You can stop doing that now, you freaked him out I think."

Pepper: "..."

Snape: "Now begin by adlip duonteryz iuegi rgiwden riugn e girg eo hgfn, rgbobg thos gu r girgo b..."

Pepper: [staring blankly at Snape]

Snape: "What, pray tell is so interesting, Miss..."

Maxine: "Kellor, she's Pepper Kellor."

Snape: "I'll thank you to let the girl speak for herself. Unless she is--"

[BOOM!]

Snape: [under his breath] "Stupid sound effects people... [back to the class] "All right Miss Kellor, blah-dee blah-dee blah-dee blargh..."

**********

All the Hogwarts Quidditch teams: [brandishing their brooms] "Get on with it!!"

**********

Snape: "My poor little girl is really struggling with the work I give her in class, and with fitting in with the other kids in school. It's because she got put in that heckhole Gryffindor. So now what do I do; should I act like a caring father and help her through it despite the fact that she might not even know my part in her being here, or should I continue being a callous son-of-a-Shoopuf?"

**********

To be continued...