Interviews, the DADA Teachers Talk Show!

Interviews with the DADA Teachers Talk show!!!!!!

     With your host ...... Cornelius Fudge!

Fudge: Hello again! I'm a git!

Audience: (Laughs.)

Fudge: Before we begin, I would like to address our sponsors. First Ollivander's Wands: If there's not one for you, they'll eat a caribou. Second Fred and George's Jokeses and Hoaxes which is having a sale on cursed socks. Last Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans: New Dumbledore flavor. (Pops a bean into his own mouth.) Ohhh. (Jim Carrey voice) Crunchy.

Dumbledore: (From off stage) Oh yes I know. (Perverted laugh.)

Fudge: Um... OK. Well anyway since we are going in a coincidental order of DADA teachers guess who is next?

A man in audience: UMBRIDGE!!!

Fudge: No you idiot. She's not till book five. Sirius Lee don't you read?

Sirius: (From the audience) It's Black you numbskull!

Tonks: (Sitting next to him wearing glittery black lipstick.) Don't be a prat. He said seriously.

Mrs. Black's portrait: He has besmirched the name of my fathers! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Get him!!!

(Her portrait falls of the chair and breaks.)

Audience: Yeah!!!!

Fudge: Well anyway may I introduce Sirius Lee a model for Gumbumble clothing line... Sales on Dumbledore undergarments-

Dumbledore: (Perverted laugh again.)

Man in audience: (Walks down and bows.)

Sirius: My name is a trademark!

Fudge: Oh look. It's Sirius Black... SIRIUS BLACK!!!! You are under arrest!

Dementors: (Playing poker. They look up and go after Black.)

Sirius: (Runs to the exit. It's locked.)

Harry: Hey look! It's a dementor! Ohhhh... (Faints.)

Dementor one: (Bends down to kiss Black.)

Sirius: Oh sh**.

Dementor one: (Pulls off cloak. It is McGonagall.)

Sirius: OH SH**!!!

McGonagall: Re hee hee hee!

Sirius: ALOHOMORA! ALOHOMORA!

McGonagall: (Reaches for him.)

Sirius: (Screams and falls in a faint. )

McGonagall: (Faints as well. Apparates Sirius and herself.)

Fudge: Did someone plan this? I would have preferred Dolores jumping out of a cake. Did I just say that? Oh well. Anyway, our interviewee for tonight is none other than the dazed, confused, fake, and gitty (that's the pot calling the kettle black) Gilderoy LOCKHART!!!!

Lockhart: (Walks on stage, dazed, confused, fake, and gitty.)

Fudge: Hello! (Shakes Lockhart's hand.)

Lockhart: (Shakes Fudge's........ Dittany.)

Fudge: So Gilderoy-

Lockhart: (Pointing to Fudge's goblet of coffee) Is that coffee?

Fudge: Why yes it is. So you taught-

Lockhart: Can I have it?

Fudge: It's mine. Anyway-

Lockhart: (Reaches for the goblet.) Thank you. (Takes a sip.)

Fudge: Oh. All right. So you taught Defense-

Lockhart: Do you have cream or sugar? This coffee is much too black-

Dementors: Black? Where?

Lockhart: My coffee. (Clutches the goblet protectively.)

Fudge: Grrrrrrr. You mean MY coffee.

Lockhart: (Indignantly) You gave it to me.

Fudge: WHAT!? I never- GIVE THAT BACK!!!

Lockhart: Indian giver. (Sticks out tongue at Fudge.)

Fudge: (Swipes at the coffee only to spill it on Lockhart's perfect hair.)

Lockhart: EEEEEE! You cursed minister! Look what you've done! I'm melting, MELLLLLTING! Oh what world, what a world, (gets down on his knees and clutches his heart and hair) who knew a man like you could destroy my beautiful gittiness. Oh! Oh!

Fudge: Pull yourself together man! You're embarrassing yourself.

Lockhart: * sniff * More so than Dumbledore?

Fudge: Well no...

Dumbledore: (Perverted laugh again.)

Fudge: Scourgify! (Coffee cleans itself up.)

Lockhart: (Looks slightly disappointed.)

Fudge: So anyway (eyes Lockhart for signs of interruption. None come so he proceeds.) You were a professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?

Lockhart: (Looking at his reflection in the goblet and straightening his hair) Was I?

(Continues to fix his hair) Well, yes I remember vague parts of it.... I remember a dark, smelly, wet, and big house, I remember pixies, I remember a ugly boy with glasses who wanted to be famous-

Percy: (In the front row writing notes.) (Starts crying.)

Lockhart: - that had a weird marking on his forehead-

Percy: (Stops crying and sticks his tongue out at Harry who is being electrically revived by cardio version.)

Lockhart: And, oh yes.... I remember being the favorite teacher in the school. (Smiles gittishly.)

Ron: (In audience ) (Hacks loudly.)

Fudge: So you don't remember any... attacks on muggle borns?

Lockhart: Um.. (screws up his face) no. None at all.

Fudge: So, you were the quite the popular one at Hogwarts eh?

Lockhart: Oh yes. I had lots of friends. Minerva McGonagall-

Fudge: Who is not here I am afraid. She has joined a dementor cult and is currently trying to snog Sirius Black.

Lockhart: Oh. (Disappointed.) Okay. Well there is Severus Snape-

Fudge: Who IS here I am afraid. He has denied all rumors on him joining a ballet cult and is currently not trying to snog anyone. (Mutters) Good thing for them. Come on down here Severus!

Snape: No thank you minister-

Security Guard Bagman: (Pushes him down to the stage.)

Band: (HP theme.) Bum bum, bumbumbum, bum bum buuuum, bum bum bum bum bum buuum.

Snape: (Looking disgruntled, walks down to the stage.)

Lockhart: (Gasps and runs to hug Snape.)

Snape: Self... Control... Must... Not... Injure... Find... A... Happy Place.

Lockhart: (Releases poor Snape.) Sit next to me Severus.

Snape: (Sits next to Fudge.)

Fudge: So you two are best friends?

Lockhart: Oh yes-

Snape: More mere acquaintances that were forced together in a building FOR A VERY LONG TIME!!!

Lockhart: Me and Severus had a sleepover.

Snape: WHAT!? We did not!

Lockhart: We had a pillow fight-

Snape: Stop!

Lockhart: We played wizard chess-

Snape: STOP!

Lockhart: And then Severus said-

Snape: SILENCIO! What he meant to say was that um... I said... that Slytherins rule.

Fudge: (Smirking.) Oh? Really?

Severus: (Sweating) Yes.

Lockhart: (Mouthing words.)

Fudge: Okay Gilderoy. I'll undo the spell. S-

Snape: (Slow motion. Snape jumps to Fudge's wand and falls.) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fudge: You have a conflict, Severus?

Snape: Um... yes. (Pulls himself back in a chair.) We should..try to read his lips. It would be... Good Practice! Yes.

Fudge: Okay by me.

Gilderoy: (Mouthing.)

Fudge: Okay... Ainjer? Danger?! SIRIUS BLACK!!! (Screams like the girl he is.)

( Slight pandemonium, a few dementor kisses, a few non-dementor kisses, and a few non-human kisses.)

Fudge: (Now covered with lipstick.) Well now. Okay. Let's get back to ol' Lockhart's lips. No Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: (From offstage. Perverted laugh.)

Snape: (Looking stunned covered in black glittery lipstick marks * hint, hint*)

Gilderoy: (Mouths.)

Fudge: M-N-Gainjer Gainger-Granger- Ms. Granger please come down here!

Hermione: (Walks down blushing.)

Fudge: (Shakes her hand.) Dolores thinks very highly of you.

Hermione: Really?

Fudge: (With a gittish smile.) No! But she said would love to shove her wand up your nosy-

Percy: Aspirin! You've forgotten to take your aspirin Minister!

Fudge: Oh. Yes. Thank you Weasley.

Percy: Just doin' my duty sir.

Hermione: (Takes a seat next to Lockhart.)

Lockhart: (Mouths frantically to her.)

Fudge: (Ignoring Lockhart.) So Ms. Granger, you had Mr. Lockhart here for DADA?

Hermione: (Dreamily) Yes.

Fudge: And was he your favorite teacher, other than Dolores Umbridge?

Hermione: My second favorite-

Fudge: After Dolores Umbridge no doubt?

Hermione: Um not quite. After Lupin.

Fudge: (Clutching his heart.) Nooooo! Why! Why did this happen to me!?

Hermione: What?

Percy: Um. (Looking at a small prescription box.) Oops. I uh... well... accidentally

gave him laxative capsules instead of aspirin.

Hermione: So he's not mad?

Percy: Oh no. I'm sure he'll be furious, (starts to escort Fudge away) when he get's back. Dumbledore, (sighs) I never thought I'd say this, but you're on.

Dumbledore: (Perverted laugh. Walks on.)

Percy: (Apparates with Fudge.)

Dumbledore: (Assuming his normal voice.) Hello Gilderoy.

Gilderoy: (Mouths.)

Dumbledore: Shall I undo this spell Severus?

Snape: No.

Dumbledore: Alrighty then. So Ms. Granger (Putting on a lime green bowler hat and a Fudge-like voice) you were in all of Mr.. Lockhart's classes?

Hermione: Yes. I was.

Dumbledore: And what did his classes contain?

Hermione: The first class was a very informative quiz-

Ron: *Abouthimself* *Cough* *Cough*

Hermione: (Glares at Ron.) And in the second class, he did a wonderful hands on activity with pixies.

Ron: (Snorts and disbelievingly taps Harry who is on a respirator.)

Hermione: Then since he was discouraged by TWO BOYS I have the misfortune to know, he read excerpts from his books.

Dumbledore: Really now. (Smiles amused.) Well then, I - Well! Look at the time. We are out of time- So until next time! Live from the Ministry it's Tuesday-

Fudge: (Falls through ceiling onto Lockhart slamming him into the floor.)

Percy: (Calling from the hole in the ceiling.) Sorry sir.

Fudge: (Pulls himself out of the hole.) Gimmee that. (Swipes the hat from Dumbledore.) It is always Saturday on this show.

Dumbledore: But Cornelius, it's Tuesday.

Fudge: Don't be a prat Dumbledore. It sounds better. Haven't you ever seen the muggle show on Comedy Central?

Dumbledore: Why yes I find it rather amusing-

Fudge: Well that's not the point-

Lockhart: (Now emerging from the hole he made) Why did you fall from the ceiling?

Fudge: Apparition problems. Wait! You can talk again! What did Snape say at the sleepover?

Lockhart: Oh. He said that he had joined a ballet cult- (Screams as Snape runs towards him.)

Snape: (Slow motion.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Jumps at Lockhart slamming both of them back into the hole.)

Fudge: So goodbye Dumbledore! (Pushes Dumbledore from stage.) So anyway live from the Ministry it's Saturday night!