Interviews, the DADA Teachers Talk Show!

Gittish interviews the

DADA Teachers!!!!!!

Now with our host......... Cornelius Fudge!!!!!

Fudge: Hello Everyone!

Audience: Hey there!

Fudge: Well, for tonight's segment on Interviews with DADA teachers we have an extra special guest. He is the first DADA teacher in Harry Potter's years at Hogwarts. And without Harry, we wouldn't exist.

Audience: ( Laughs.)

Fudge: ( Grins.) Now let's give a warm welcome toooooo.. ( motions towards the door on left stage) Professor Quirrell!!!

( All light swing over to the door, band plays, and Quirrell walks out as the audience claps)

Quirrell: Hey! I'm dead!

Audience: (Laughs.)

Quirrell: ( Shakes hands with Fudge and sits down.)

Audience: ( Stops clapping.)

Fudge: How are you doing?

Quirrell: Pretty darn good. Yourself?

Fudge: Fine, Fine. So..... Professor?

Quirrell: Quirrell works just fine.

Fudge: Okay. So what got you interested in teaching?

Quirrell: Well actually it was a friend of mine. We met in the Forests of Albania, and he brainwashed me into teaching.

Fudge: How original.

Quirrell: Yes. I also learned a great deal from him.

Fudge: Really?

Quirrell: Yes. Did you know that there is no good and evil?

Fudge: No way.

Quirrell: And that's not all. There is only power . And those too weak to seek it.

Fudge: Tubular. I will have to have young Weasley write that down. Got that?

Percy: ( From offstage.) Got it, sir!

Fudge: So who was this individual who taught you?

Quirrell: Lord Voldemort! Nice guy....

Fudge: Well. It just so happens that he is sitting in the front row over there although I am such a git that I will refuse to believe he is there!

Quirrell: ( Screams and runs over to embrace Voledmort.) Hiiiii! Oh! I love what you did to the hair you don't have!

Voldemort: Oh thanks! And I like the green turban. Purple was way too gaudy on you!

Quirrell: And you have your own repulsive body now! Your dream has come true!

Voldemort: I know. It's great!

Quirrell: So what have you been up to since I died?

Voldemort: Oh, you know. The usual. Killing people, torturing wizards, witches, and Muggles, and tearing families, hearts, and lives apart.

Quirrell: Same old you!

Fudge: ( Looking at the ceiling.) So. Voldemort who is not really there-

Voldemort: ( Whispering to Quirrell) What's his problem?

Quirrell: ( Shrugs.)

Fudge: What was it like being glued to Mr. Quirrell's head for nine months?

Voldemort: Fun. Lots of it. No cabin or in my case cranium fever. We stayed up late swappin' manly stories and in the mornin'... he made waffles! Then I was stuck under a turban for the rest of the time. But those ( begins to cry) were ....truly the best days of my life.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Quirrell: ( Pats his hand.)

Fudge: So figment of my imagination... you planed on stealing the Sorcerer's Stone for your own selfish purposes?

Voldemort: Yes.

Fudge: And your plans were once again thwarted by the famous Harry Potter who I do not believe?

Voldemort: Yep.

Quirrell: Nice kid Potter. We laughed, we cried, we tried to kill each other....

Fudge: Potter more successful?

Quirrell: Only on the last one.

Fudge: Well have we got a surprise for YOU! Harry Potter. The boy who I don't believe, is here! Come down here Harry!

( Band plays as Harry walks down.)

Harry: ( Shakes hands with Fudge.)

Fudge: I don't believe you!

Audience: (Laughs.)

Harry: Hey, Big V!

Voldemort: Give me some skin Lil' H.

Harry: ( He does.) Professor Quirrell!

Quirrell: Hoyadoin?

Harry: I see you've you used the Stutter-No-More Kit I got you.

Quirrell: Never go without it.

Fudge: So Harry. Tell me about the night you saved the stone from these two.

Harry: Well, there were a lot of laughs, constricted airways and burnt faces. ( Looks at Quirrell.) So first Professer Quirrell tells me there is no good and evil-

Fudge: We've heard that.

Harry: Oh. Okay. Then he shows me Voldemort on his head and Voldemort asks me to join him, and I say no and get strangled. So then it turns out that you have to seek the stone and not use it or some crap like that.

Fudge: Hahahaha. So did you suspect Quirrell all along?

Harry: No. I suspected Snape actually, Snape suspected Quirrell. I never get these things right. I'm better at crossword puzzles.

Fudge: Well as a matter of fact. Sitting in the fourth row-

Voldemort, Quirrell, and Harry: NOOOOO!

Fudge: Is my mother. Hi Mom!

Mrs. Fudge: Hi my gitty son!

Fudge: And next to her is..... PROFESSOR SNAPE!!!

Band: Bum bum bum, bum bum bump bum.

Fudge: Hello!

Snape: ( Shakes hands with Fudge, Quirrell, Voldemort, and breaks Harry's knuckles.)

Harry: That hurt!

Audience: ( Laughs.)

Fudge: So Snape. You suspected Quirrell from the start.

Snape: Yes. I did. I threatened him, I tried to use Veritaserum -

Quirrell: He walked in on us in the shower.

Snape: I am still trying to forget that...

Fudge: Let me help you. Obliviate!

Snape: Oh thank you.... Frindle?

Fudge: Snape? My name is Fudge.

Snape: ( Looks at Harry.) Oh! Were you talking to me?

Harry: You stupid git! You modified his memory!

Fudge: Sorry.

Harry: Don't be! Now I don't have to deal with him!

Fudge: Well that about wraps it up. Live from the Ministry it's Sat- well actually it's Monday. Hmm. Who cares! Live from the Ministry it's Saturday night!