A Boy Thing

A Boy Thing

"Psst. Prongs."

"What?" James turned over, fumbling for his glasses. "Sirius, it's-" a glance at the clock- "two seventeen in the morning. Piss off and go to sleep."

"I can't. I'm too wired. Want to sneak out and go down to the Three Broomsticks?"

"It's closed," James reminded him. "Last call is two-thirty."

"And it's two seventeen. If we transform...."

"We'll get there at two-twenty eight," James said, although he knew they wouldn't. He didn't mention that bit, though.

"Two minutes is enough to get a drink. Come on, James."

"No." James turned over in his bed, pulling the covers up over his shoulders. "Go to sleep, Sirius."

Sirius huffed a long, annoyed sigh. "Fine." He moved off, and James heard the rustling as Sirius climbed into his own bed.

James lay in the dark, his eyes open as he stared at nothing.

***

"All right, James?" Peter asked as he flopped down beside James. The autumn air was crisp, the stiff breeze ruffling their hair.

"All right, Peter." James was trying to write his Charms essay, and it was going extremely slowly. He tossed it aside, welcoming the distraction. "Done already?"

"Yup." Peter tilted his face to enjoy the wind. "Come on- Hufflepuff destroyed Slytherin in twenty minutes today. How much work do you think I needed to do on the equipment?"

"Good point," James agreed, more than a little smugly. "What are you doing for the rest of the day?"

"Don't know," Peter said wistfully. "I thought I'd be busy all day, so my homework's done. And Sirius is in detention and Remus is working on his defense essay because of the full moon next week."

"Erm," James said, a cold shaft of fear shooting through him.

"So anyway. We could sneak down into Hogsmeade."

James considered. "I could go get the cloak."

Peter snorted. "Why bother with the cloak? Are we Animagi or not?"

"It's hunting season," James pointed out. "Hagrid might not fancy rat a la orange, but I do know for a fact he's interested in venison."

"He's also busy with the thestrals right now. Come on, James, it's fine."

It was tempting. The late afternoon sunshine was warm, the essay could wait, and James fancied he could smell the meat pies that they served at the Three Broomsticks. Or they could go to Zonko's and load up on Stinkbombs, or any number of activities. But then Peter would know...

"I really need to finish this essay," he said, pulling it back to him. "Go ahead without me, Wormtail."

"Like that's any fun," Peter grumbled, but he stood up and dusted off his robes. "I'll see you at dinner, then."

"All right." James stared at his essay until Peter was gone.

This was not good.

***

Lily Evans. Occasionally, James wished she'd never existed.

The problem, he mused as they sat in the N.E.W.T. Astronomy class and he watched her take notes, was not that he lusted after her. Lust was a simple matter to deal with, and could easily be held at bay with wanking off to vivid fantasies, which his mind was always happy to provide. The problem now was that he respected her. He enjoyed being around her. He thought her jokes were funny. When he talked to her, he was always interested in what she had to say. In short, he liked her, and okay, maybe he loved her, but he'd never say that out loud or the other three would call him a nancy and a ponce and would never shut up about it.

"Potter," Lily hissed, arching an eyebrow at him. He flushed as he realized Professor Oberni was waiting for an answer. He jerked himself back to reality and began to recite mechanically, his mind still miserable. He did feel a spark of hope when he saw that Lily looked impressed, but he told himself not to get too excited. 'Impressed', he had learn, did not mean 'I'm ready to drop everything and date your' or even 'you might be worth shagging.' It simply meant she was impressed. Whee.

He tried to keep his mind on the lesson- it was a complicated one on minor constellations and their importance to the wizards of ancient Egypt and how that applied to British wizards today. "It's the exact sort of thing," Lily said as Professor Oberni dismissed them, "that someone would ask on a N.E.W.T."

"It is," James agreed, falling in step beside her. "You can almost hear the question and start the essay, just from the way you said it."

Lily nodded. "I'll bet either that comes up, or the same question with the ancient Greeks." James groaned. He was about to comment more when Lily caught sight of one of her friends and waved. "I'll see you later," she said hastily.

"Wait, Lily...." James took a deep breath as she turned around. It was now or never. "Listen, I was wondering... would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?" His stomach squirmed as he waited for her answer.

Unlike years previous, her face gentled. "I already have plans, James," she said, and with a final glance she scuttled off. He noticed that the friend she'd waved to was a male Hufflepuff- tall, blonde, and James knew from N.E.W.T. classes, extremely intelligent. He watched her take his arm as they chatted, and sighed heavily.

Sometimes, he wished he could go back to when she hated him, and he could laugh it off. The world was a lot simpler then.

***

Sunday night, and he hadn't sorted out his... problem. Which meant he had to talk to Remus. It was only fair, after all.

Fortunately, Remus was easy to get alone tonight, given that Sirius and Peter had gone to the library to work on their assignments for History of Magic. He was in their room, a pile of schoolbooks on the floor and hanging off the bed as he read a comic book instead. "'Lo James," he greeted him, fumbling for a cup of hot chocolate and somehow (James had absolutely no idea how) managed to take a sip from his upside down position. "Got cold finally, didn't it?"

"Erm, yeah. Moony, your face is all red. You're going to have a bloody huge headache."

"Don't care," Remus said glumly, and James suspected that he should have caught him before this pre-moon, screw-the-world apathy set in.

"Listen," James began awkwardly, shoving his hands in the pockets of his robes. "I have something I need to talk to you about." Remus didn't put down the comic, but he waved his hand in an imperial gesture to continue. "It's about tomorrow night."

"What about tomorrow night?" Remus asked. "We're still on, aren't we?"

"Well, that's just it. I don't know if I can be."

Remus struggled to sit up, eyes bugged out and face almost purple. "What? James, you never miss. You-"

"I know!" James snapped. "But I have to. Remus, I'm having trouble with the transfiguration!"

"So go get help from McGonagall."

"No! THE transfiguration! I can't do it!"

"Ridiculous," Remus scoffed. "You've never had trouble with it before."

"I know, but it's my magic level or something. I can't get it up anymore!"

There are a few hard, cold facts in the universe, and one is that a young man shouting "I can't get it up anymore!" is guaranteed to make all of his friends appear out of nowhere, just in time to hear those words but to conveniently miss the entire conversation before it. Sirius and Peter returned from the library right at that point, and Sirius's face split into an evil grin.

"I've got a new issue of Wet and Wild Witches, if you need help," Peter suggested calmly. "Amber Peikoff is the centerfold, and we all know how you feel about redheads."

"Can I see it later?" James asked automatically, and then immediately snapped back. "No! That is NOT what I meant! I have absolutely no problem getting an erection."

"Show us," Sirius leered. Remus smacked him, but he was laughing himself. "C'mon, Prongs," Sirius continued, leaning in. "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours."

"Piss off!" James shouted, bright red. "This is exactly why I didn't tell any of you about it!"

"About your impotence?" Peter said, rifling through his nightstand and tossing James the girlie magazine. "I can understand, but why did you bring it up now?"

"Because it's not a problem with my prick, okay? It's a problem with my... you know! Transfiguration!"

Light dawned on Sirius's face, and then on Peter's. "Oh," Peter said.

"Why?" Sirius asked, sitting down on Remus's bed. "You never had trouble with it before. I mean, you got it first."

"I know," James said miserably, sinking down onto his own bed. The other three were watching him now, serious for a change. "It's just... like there's this block. Sometimes I can do it, but sometimes I just can't. You know how when you have to shit, and you think about it too much and try too hard it just won't come?" The other three boys nodded. "It's kind of like that. And the harder I try to get it to happen, the more nothing happens."

"How long has it been for?" Sirius asked. "You were able to do it last month."

"I had trouble with it even then," James admitted. "I mean, it wasn't this bad, but it took a lot more concentration than usual."

"Oh." Sirius pondered it.

Remus pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around his chest. "If you're having trouble, you'd better not come tomorrow night," he agreed finally, and James knew the words cost him some. "Even if you get the transformation... what if you can't hold it? I'd hate to think..." his voice trailed off and he went pale. Next to him, Sirius squeezed his shoulder awkwardly.

Peter nodded agreement. "It's a big risk, James. If it was me, at least you and Sirius could..." he gestured with his hands and James noticed Remus's flush, "but I can't really be a lot of help. Not that way."

"Yeah," James sighed. "I'm sorry, Moony."

Remus shrugged. "It's all right, James. Do you have any idea what's causing it?"

James shook his head. "Not a clue."

***

The entire night of the full moon he stayed awake, first in the library and then in the dorm, searching through the books on the Animagus transformation for some hint of what might be affecting him. There was nothing helpful. Sure, back in 1614 Ilona Ignavius lost her ability to turn into an iguana, but James was pretty certain he wasn't suffering from the rather graphically described Novic Nauseum Plague. And in 1847, Alvin Turnbell had had his powers taken away by a special clamp designed by some of the most powerful wizards, but that was what happened when you used your powers to change into a shark and attack swimmers. (Carnivores. Honestly. But James also wondered how lousy that would be- to go through all that work and then find out you could only transform in water?) The clamp, however, was currently on display in the Magical Museum in Hungary, and hadn't been duplicated. Besides, James would have noticed a clamp. Other than that, there was nothing.

From the window seat in their dorm room he imagined he could hear the howling in the Shrieking Shack.

***

Hogsmeade was decorated with the red and gold of fall leaves, and looked like something out of a storybook. Not that Sirius, Remus, or Peter, intent on looking for trouble, looking for food, or looking for Zonko's (respectively) noticed. But James did. And he hated it, because aside from mooning over Lily Evans and having trouble with the Animagus transformation, he was now noticing scenery, and how much more girly could a man get? It was enough to make you sick, or at least put you off butterbeer for the day. So when the other three suggested The Three Broomsticks, James just shook his head and told them to go without him.

He didn't quite understand what was with him these days. Life was good, after all. He was Head Boy, and having hardly any trouble with his academic studies. He was on the Quidditch team, and although he wasn't captain, he was acknowledged as the captain's right hand man, second in command. And the prospects for the team looked good this year. He enjoyed a close relationship with the Headmaster and the Head of his House. He had three of the best friends ever, and a lot of other friends besides. He had a new appreciation for his own parents after seeing what had driven Sirius from home. By all rights, he should have no worries today. Even his homework was done, for crying out loud.

He was shuffling through the leaves and trying to sort it all out when the answer hit him in the face. Or more accurately, when the answer ran into him with a full-body collision.

"Evans," he said, catching her before she fell. "Fancy running into you here." But his voice lacked any humor. However, one look at her face snapped him out of his self-pity. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Lily said, defiantly wiping a smudged tear off her cheek. "Absolutely nothing."

"It must be something," James began to say, but shut his mouth. She obviously didn't want to discuss it with him yet. So instead he said carefully, "You know, I was thinking of going to get a coffee or a snack at The Constellation Stag. I know it's not the nicest place, but it's quiet. Would you like to join me? Not a date or anything," he hastily qualified, even if he wished it could be, "just a snack."

Lily stared at him with an open mouth for a moment, and then said, "All right."

He deliberately did not offer her his arm, or brush against her, even though he wished he could. Having her here beside him, with the scent of her perfume in his nostrils (it was a light, rose-like scent, just perfect for her) and her shoes knocking the leaves towards him would have to be enough, even if he wished he could.... Well, what did he want? He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes as she wiped her nose on her sleeve. Sure, he'd like to throw her down and shag her rotten, but right now, all he really wanted was to put an arm around her shoulder and hold her close, just so she knew that someone loved....

Of course. That was exactly what was bothering him. But there was nothing to be done about it, he told himself firmly, and pushed it away.

They walked in silence to The Constellation Stag, but the silence wasn't awkward. He held the door for her when they arrived and she smiled as she thanked him, and soon they were settled in a corner table. James had a mug of coffee and a pastry, but Lily just kept playing with a tea bag.

"What's on your mind, Lily?" he asked.

She sighed. "You'll think it's stupid."

"Try me."

She fiddled with her tea bag a little more before she said, "I got a letter from my parents today. We had this dog, Snowball. She was this big black... mutt, I guess."

"I like the type," James said, smiling and wishing they'd thought to call Sirius Snowball.

"Well, she died the other day. I know she was old and I know she was just a dog, but it was still very upsetting. It was like losing a friend." She looked up at him and swiped at her cheek. "Did you ever have a pet?"

"No," James answered, sort of honestly, because Sirius was sort of their dog as well, "but I can imagine how hard it must be to lose one."

She eyed him keenly, and he returned her gaze, although he was confused. Surely he couldn't have said something wrong? But Lily eventually sighed. "I know it seems stupid," she said, finally taking her tea bag out of the mug. "I mean, Voldemort is killing people... what?"

"You said Voldemort's name," he said, impressed.

"Well, yes. As Headmaster Dumbledore says, fear of a name increases the fear of the thing itself. Not that there's nothing to be afraid of, mind you. But that's exactly why I feel so bad. So many people are losing people they love, and I'm crying about a dog! And she was old, too!"

"What was she like?"

It was one of those shot in the dark type things, and in fact, James asked the question because he had no real idea of what he should say. But somehow, by some miracle, he seemed to have said exactly the right thing. Lily was off, talking about her dog, which segued into talk of her family and then his family, and then their concerns and fears about the political situation and war outside of Hogwarts. The shadows outside grew longer and the sun began to set, and before they knew it they both realized it was time for them to be getting back.

"I thought you were coming with Clements today," James said as they walked back to Hogwarts, neither of them in a rush.

"I was supposed to," Lily admitted, "but he kind of laughed when I told him about Snowball, and he said that it was only a dog. I really didn't want to be around him today." She was thoughtful for a moment, and James willed his mouth to stay shut. "I didn't expect you to understand," she admitted. "But I'm glad you did."

She took his arm as they walked the final quarter mile, and James felt the sudden urge to turn into a stag and bound away.

***

"Come on, Prongs," Sirius insisted two nights later. "You need to try it again. You need to get over this."

"It's not that easy," James said, but it was more from embarrassment than anything else. "You try dealing with it sometime."

"Have you tried since the full moon?" Sirius demanded.

"No," James admitted. The truth was he hadn't had time. On Sunday, Lily had found him sitting in the Common Room. To his amazement, she'd actually sat down across from him and started talking. At first, the conversation had just been about their classes and the Professors, but eventually it had gotten off the subject and into books. Lily had been surprised to discover one of James's favorite authors was Harry Dovetail (he didn't tell her that he'd discovered the series when he'd seen Lily reading one of the books), and they'd gotten into a long discussion about the motives behind Ebeneezer's supposed disavowal of Rasputin, and it had only gone further from there. They'd talked until Peter had coming looking for James to join them all for dinner, and then afterwards the evening had been taken up with a Prefect's meeting. Monday had been classes and homework- there'd been no time to sneak away to some deserted place.

"Well, come on," Sirius insisted, pulling James towards the passage that led the Shrieking Shack.

James followed, trepidation clogging his throat. The whole affair was embarrassing enough, but to have to try and expose this in front of Sirius.... Then he simply decided to be grateful it was just Sirius and not Remus and Peter as well.

Not that Sirius was all that easy to deal with himself. When they got to the Shack, Sirius slipped immediately into the form of a big black dog, bounding around the place and wagging his tail, tugging at James's robes. James sighed, and tried to change himself.

There was a wavering of light before his eyes, and then the world shifted, stopped abruptly, and lurched back, knocking the wind out of him as he hit the wall. Sirius changed back into himself.

"Wow," he muttered.

James didn't hear him. "That's better than it's been," he said, rather excited about the prospect.

"Better? Prongs, you looked like a centaur with antlers! I haven't seen you do it that badly... well, ever!"

"But before, I couldn't get anything to change. I could try it again and maybe-"

"Yeah, well, be careful," Sirius cautioned, his eyes wary. "You remember all those stories that Wormtail kept telling us about what happened to Animagi transformations gone wrong."

James snorted. "Wormtail," he said, "is always too cautious. Besides, I've got the transformation, it's just that the power has kind of been sapped from me."

Sirius snickered. "You sound like Emmaline in Sunsets and Thunder Skies."

"Have you been reading Andrea's bodice-rippers again?"

"I keep telling you, you should see the sex scenes in them," Sirius said eagerly. "But seriously. This character Emmaline fell in love with this Muggle prince, but of course, he didn't notice her at first, right? 'Cause she's a witch and all, and she's not royal or any of that barmy. So she's trying to get his attention, but she finds that she can't work her spells because it turns out unrequited love is sapping her... oh shit."

"Oh, bloody hell."

"No. You don't think-"

James grabbed a fistful of Sirius's robes and pulled him close. "If you ever, ever," he hissed, "even BREATHE a word of this to Moony or Wormtail, or call me Emmaline, or in any way reference this at all, I will hex you so hard that you won't find your bits until next Tuesday."

Sirius nodded with a straight face that lasted all of two seconds before he started snickering. "Emmaline," he said.

There was something to that unrequited love thing after all, James thought sourly, because normally Sirius never would have left that Shack baritone.

Bugger it all.

***

"So if everything goes as planned," Peter was saying as James tried to school his features into attentive interest, "we take the passage out of the castle to the Shack, and then-"

"I still don't see why we don't take the passage that leads directly into Honeydukes," Remus argued. "It gets us a lot closer to where we want to go."

"Because," Peter explained as if Remus was a child of five, "Filch patrols that part of the hallway around the time we want to go."

"So why don't we go at another time?" Remus snapped back in the same voice.

Sirius chuckled. "I was reading this book Sunsets and Thunder Skies, and there was-"

"Sirius, shut up," James growled through his teeth.

"But Prongs," Sirius said, his eyes wide with innocence, "I was just going to tell them about how Lord Markley and his little ward Avery sound just like this in the one scene. Surely you can't have a problem with that?"

"I do," Peter said. "You've been talking about that stupid book for the past week. Either shut up about it or I'm going to tell Andrea you stole it, and then you'll really regret it. She's been looking for it. Apparently, there's this great sex scene on page twenty seven."

"Seventy two," Remus corrected idly.

"You read it?" Sirius asked, leaning forward.

"Oh yes. It was... entertaining, to say the least. Although I found it dreadfully misogynistic. I mean, a woman losing her powers because she's in love and it's not returned? Who would ever be that pathetic?" James had to restrain himself from wrapping his hands around Remus Lupin's skinny neck and breaking it.

"I found it more ridiculous than pathetic," Sirius argued, as if this was an academic discussion. "Having your love life linked to your magical powers just seems so..." he rolled his eyes, unable to find the word he was looking for.

"Cheesy," Peter volunteered, although he was still absorbed in the plans for sneaking out in a few nights.

James growled deep in his throat.

"It's a real phenomenon, though, from what I understand," Remus said. "It's not common, mind you, but if a witch- or a wizard-" he added, flicking his eyes to James, "is in enough emotional turmoil, it can actually affect their magical abilities. But doing it to a female character like this insinuates that the woman's entire basis for living is romantic love."

"I didn't read it as quite that sexist," Sirius said. "Love is a tricky thing, so I've been told, and I can see how-"

"ENOUGH!" James roared. "The joke is not funny anymore, okay? We get it. WE ALL GET IT!" He stormed out of the room.

"Does everyone have friends like this?" he muttered to himself as he grabbed his books and headed for the library. "You'd think they'd be understanding and sympathetic and supportive." (Never mind all the times they'd howled at Remus or offered Peter cheese or made jokes about Sirius being a son of a bitch, quite literally.) "Stupid friends. Stupid unrequited love. Stupid loss of powers. Stupid Padfoot. Stupid Moony. Stupid Wormtail."

"James?"

He spun around. "Lily! What are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "I was headed to the library. It is a public place, after all."

"Um, yeah. Sorry, I was kind of caught up in thought." He flushed red.

"I heard. At least, I heard the last bit, about your friends. What did they do?"

"They're just giving me a hard time about something," he said vaguely. "It's one of those nights."

Lily nodded sympathetically, and then said, "I understand. I kind of know how you feel." James snorted, but Lily ignored it. "About your friends not understanding," she said. "Or even if they do, giving you a hard time about it."

James thought about that, and thought about how their conversation on Saturday had started. "Yeah," he finally agreed. "I guess you do."

She smiled. "I have an idea," she said. "The library is all very well and good, but it's not a good place for conversation, with Madame Pince leaning over you and everyone else there. Why don't we go study somewhere else? There's a place I know that we can actually hear each other talk."

"All right." He followed her, and with the way she looked back at him, James Potter had the sudden feeling his luck was about to change.

***

"Not one more word about Sunsets and Thunder Skies," James told Sirius the next day, relief heavy in his voice and heart. "No more comments about unrequited love. My love is requited, damn it, and I am whole again."

Sirius snickered. "Mate, you should write a bodice-ripper novel. With dialogue like that, you'd earn a fortune."

"Piss off," James said good-naturedly, smiling as he fell back on his bed. "Last night was just..." he sighed, remembering the softness of Lily's lips and the glow in her eyes. "It's finally happening."

"But that's not the real question," Sirius said, sitting down on his own bed. "The real question is... can you turn into a stag again?"

It was a good question. James stood up. "I don't know," he began, but before he even finished the sentence, he'd slipped into his Animagus form, as easily as he'd always done it. He changed back with a whoop of delight.

"What?" he said, as he caught the evil grin on Sirius's face.

"I am never, ever, ever going to let you live this down," Sirius informed him gleefully. "Never."

***

Lily was never told of the impact her rejection had had on James, and she never knew about Sirius's teasing. So she never understood why when a distraught Sirius showed up on their doorstep two years later complaining that he was having trouble changing into a dog, James's first impulse was to laugh, and when Remus was told he went pale. And she never understood why James laughed himself sick the next week, when it was all revealed to be a highly creative and effective ploy, and Sirius had his arm draped around Remus's shoulders in a way that was no longer just companionable.

Fortunately, Lily just shook her head and dismissed it. Some things were just not worth understanding.