The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape

No one was quite sure what it was, but everyone could say that they'd seen him hide it. Snape would be sitting in the staff room, or at the High Table long after everyone had left, scribbing with a crumpled quill and frowning. More often than not, he would be staring angrily down at whatever it was, chewing the end of his quill in a most un-Snapeish way.

But the moment he noticed that anyone was there, the mysterious object would be snapped shut and deposited in a pocket.

At first, people thought it was a diary -- just the right kind of romantic image for the seventh-years who came to meals late as well and saw their lonely, fine-haired, distinctive-nosed, slender professor scribbling away like the tortured artist that he truly was (or so they thought). The first years who had gotten lost on the way to meals assumed it was someone's essay that their loner, greasy-haired, beak-nosed, scrawny professor was slashing with red ink (or so they thought).

Gradually, though, the evidence was accumulated by the staff and batted around the staffroom after official meetings, when Severus would have left, citing papers to grade, an allergy to tea (company, they knew it was), or a headache, or not citing anything at all.

They knew that (1) it fit in a pocket; (2) when closed, it was about half an inch thick; (3) each left-hand page had words on it, each right-hand page had some kind of picture; (4) whatever he was writing in it occasionally took a lot of thought.

Unfortunately, no one ever got close enough to him to get a better look. In fact, Lupin, who had learned about the right-hand/left-hand page differences, had received an extremely black scowl and a jibe about "sneaking up like a wolf" on Snape. Lupin had smiled mildly and apologised for startling Snape, and then trotted off to the staff room to report.

No one could have predicted what it took for the truth to come out... or what the truth was.

It was Moody, of course - only Moody could have done that to Snape, managed to get him cornered and sniveling like a child caught with a cookie in his hand. The real Moody, of course, coming right before the Final Battle to search the castle and prepare it for the beating it was going to receive before Harry Potter defeated Voldemort (which he did, of course, quite easily).

"Turn out your pockets, Snape!" he roared, his wand aimed unquestioningly at Snape's midriff (that's what they say, always. "Midriff" when they mean "privates"... but no one's going to quibble, so on we go).

"Turn out your pockets, Snape!" he repeated, his wand now quivering in rage.

"I don't have to do anything, Moody," said Snape defiantly, though his hands had almost automatically gone to his pockets in an old reflex.

"Yes, you do!" roared Moody - for Moody can never do anything but roar, can he?

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do!"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do!"

And so on...

And then Moody bellowed, "Wutasigotinits Pocketses!"

Snape's robes almost split with the effort to obey the incantation: from the outer and inner pockets came the strangest assortment of things: a ball of string, his wand, five crumpled wrappers of Drooble's Best-Blowing Gum, an old school picture of Lily Evans ("Hey! Give that back!"), his Hogwarts ID Card, showing a twenty-year-old scowling face that shrieked in panic as it flew into Moody's outstretched hand, several small vials of varying sizes and cleanliness, three scruffy quills, and the infamous book.

Everyone who was witnessing this mortifying encounter - namely, the entire staff, including Miss Arithmancy Assistant Granger - gasped and tried very hard not to look too interested or pleased that they would finally learn what it was.

But Minerva managed to save the day, saying, "Moody, you're being ridiculous. Hand that stuff here and get on with securing the doors."

Moody could never disobey her - rumour has it that he was sweet on her as a schoolboy - and so he grumbled and threw everything on the table, then left, slamming the door.

Minerva practically pounced on the table. Several witnesses swear they saw claws at her fingers and a definite hint of cat-ears emerging in the motion. But she was at the table and had grabbed the book before Snape could even say, "Wait!"

He did say, "Wait!" and also "Minerva!" and then, "I can't believe this," and then a few other choice insults, but no one heard them, as they were all too focussed on seeing what it was.

"Merlin," said Minerva breathlessly, and Granger squeaked, "What is it, Professor?" so excited that she forgot she was on a first-name basis.

Minerva held the book up for all to see:

Fiendishly Difficult and Fiddly Crosswords, 1997: Pocket Edition