Harry Potter and the Adventure He Affectionately Calls Life

"Yay," Hermione said with false enthusiasm. "Time for Professor Fiora's class."

Ron ruffled her hair and laughed. "Why don't you just not go?"

Hermione stared at him like he was crazy.

"What was I thinking?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

Hermione took a deep breath and walkedvoided eye contact with Professor Fiora.

"Hello, class," she said cheerfully. "I trust if I gave you all a pop quiz today, you would be well prepared?"

The class nodded. Harry had a feeling they had all read the textbook and memorized it.

"Very well. Please clear your desks."

"She's in a better mood today," Lana whispered.

"She was in a good mood the other day, too," Ron reminded her. "Then we fucked it up."

"Good point."

Professor Fiora passed out the quiz. It was slightly longer than the first one, maybe five or six extra questions. "You have half an hour," Professor Fiora said. "You may use your wands." And with that, she sat down and picked up the Soap Opera Digest for the week.

"Professor?" Lana asked, raising her hand.

"Yes, Miss Weasley?"

"Francessca's pregnant."

It took all of Draco's self control not to burst out laughing, but he managed to stammer, "Lucius did it."

Professor Fiora's eyes darted from Lana to Draco to Lana again. She looked down at her Soap Opera book. "Mr. Malfoy..." she took a breath. "Do you watch As the Witch Burns?"

"Only when I'm really bored at home, ma'am," he said, looking amused.

"I see..." She took another breath. "Mr. Malfoy..."

"Yes?" He took a breath. "Professor Fiora?"

By now the entire class had put their quizzes on hold and was watching.

"Are you gay?"

"How dare you, Professor. How dare you question my sexuality." He stood up and walked to the front of the room. "Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. If I may call you Fiona, that is."

"No, you may not. Take your seat."

"But I'm not done yet."

"Mr. Malfoy, take your seat."

Draco brushed her off the way you would swat away an annoying fly. "What's the rush, Fi? Just give me my minute in the spotlight. Now please repeat the question."

"I am in charge here," she screamed. "Not you."

Hermione looked at Ron quizzically. "What is he doing?" she whispered.

"Hey! Granger! Weasley! Look at me!" Draco sat at Professor Fiora's desk. He put his feet up on her papers and picked up the magazine. "Oh, how interesting," he said, glancing at the class. "The actor who plays Lucius on As the Witch Burns is named Kristoff Kristensen. That's a cool name. Draco Malfoy is much better, personally." The class laughed at this. He took out his wand. "Engorgio," he said, pointing his wand at the picture of Kristoff Kristensen. The picture doubled in size, and he said the spell again. Now there was a moving life-size picture of Kristoff Kristensen wearing tight black jeans and no shirt. Draco leaned the picture of him against the wall and took off his robes. He was wearing an ice-blue polo shirt underneath. "Kristoff," he said to the picture. "You sexy man." He kissed the picture of the soap star.

"I knew it!" Professor Fiora screamed, outraged. "How else could you have all the girls around you. And Gryffindor girls, no less."

"I," Draco said coolly. "Am not done." He smiled angellically at her. "My name is Fiona Fiora, and my parents must have been deprived to name me that. My name is Fiona, and I love Kristoff Kristensen." The class burst into laughter and Draco bowed. He jumped off the little stage and walked back to his seat. He turned to the Professor, now red with anger and humiliation. "You know, Professor, I'd tip my hat at you." He shrugged. "I'm not wearing one, though. And just for your information, I'm not gay, but Kristoff is. He had an affair with Leonardo DiCaprio and the actor who plays Francessca's brother. And he's currently sending unreturned love letters to Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees." The class laughed some more at this. Draco collected his belongings and walked out. He came back a second later. "Hey, Weasley. I'll be with your sister." With a final flourishing bow, he exited.
Professor Fiora cancelled class that day.

___________________________________________________________

Instead of Ginny, Draco found something better. Hermione and Lana coming to look for him.

"Draco, that was ampletely amazing."

Hermione said nothing, just nodded her head in amazement.

Draco grinned. "It was nothing, ladies," he said, putting an arm around each of their shoulders. "But you can thank me in any way you seem fit, including but no way in hell limited to a group sex party."

"Um... NO!" both girls said in unison, rolling their eyes at each other.

"Fine, fine. You can both have me alone one at a time."

Hermione rolled her eyes again. "How generous."

"Generous is my middle name," Draco said seriously.

"Right." Hermione sighed. "Alright, I just came to say thanks. I have studying to do. I"ll see you two later."

"You know I lied," Draco whispered after Hermione was gone.

Lana frowned. "What about?"

"I didn't want her to join our sex party."

Lana burst out laughing. "Okay then."

"Lana?"

"If I told you I loved you, would you not be my friend anymore."

"No. If you told me you loved me, I would still be your friend. If you acted upon it, though, then I would have to stop talking to you."

"I love you, Lana."

Lana sighed. "Draco, you have to stop. You're a great guy, you could have anyone in the school."
"Except the one I want."

"Draco..." she glared at him.

"Lana, I..." he kissed her.

"Draco, I am warning you. I can ignore you. I'm with Harry. I love him. He makes me happy. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh."

"I do all those things, too."

"Yes," Lana agreed. "But I love him."

In her clear blue eyes, Draco saw affection and warmth and kindness and friendship. When he looked at her looking at Harry, he saw all those things, and he saw love. "I'm sorry. I"ll leave."

"Draco..." she grabbed his arm. "Don't go."

He looked at her. "Why should I stay?"

"Um... it's the Slytherin common room. I'll go."

"Oh. I knew that."

Lana hugged him. Draco wished she wouldn't do that because it just made his heart pound harder and faster. "I'll see you later."

____________________________________________________________

They sat the next morning at yet another marvelous feast. Harry drowned his pancakes in maple syrup while Lana ate scrambled eggs. Ron munched on a waffle apastries. Cinnamon rolls and croissants. Ginny helped herself to a toasted cinnamon and raisin bagel and some bacon. The mail came in the midst of their meal. Only Ginny had mail today, it seemed. She tipped the owl with a half a strip of bacon and a knut in its coin purse, and it flew away. Ginny frowned; she never got mail. The parchment was rolled up and tied with a silvery-gray ribbon. She undid the bow and unrolled the parchment. Good morning, Ginny. I hope you slept well. Draco. Ginny's eyebrows rose in shock. She looked to the Slytherin table to see Draco smiling at her. Ginny blushed as she waved hello. He waved back, then went back to taking to some of the other Slytherins.

"Good news?" Harry asked her.

"It's a good morning letter from Draco."

Lana's eyebrows rose.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said, taking a sip of her drink. "You told me what a jerk Draco is, and how he's all nice."

"He's changed this year," Ginny said slowly, her gaze drifting off to her boyfriend, who had just made Neville Longbottom's ears grow twice in size. And yet he hasn't changed at all, she though, biting the inside of her cheek thoughtfully.

"Ginny," Ron said in disgust. "Can you please not blush over a Malfoy?"

Lana sighed. "Ron, Harry, are you ever going to just get over yourselves and call him 'Draco'? It is his name, you know."

Harry and Ron looked at each other. Then they both looked at Lana and said "no" at the same time.

Lana rolled her eyes.

"Something wrong?" Draco asked, kissing Ginny on the top of her head, but looking at Lana.

"Nothing," she said.

"Okay. Because even if there was, I wouldn't be able to help you. I have to talk to Ginny."

"What is it?" she asked, her heart melting at how handsome he was.

Draco took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "Ginny, my love, picture the two of us lying on a sandy white beach in the Meditteranean, the crystal clear waters cooling off our toes. Just the two of us on an island that I'll have rented for the two of us only."

"Oh, Draco," she sighed, looking at him lovingly. The others were all staring at her, but she ignored them. "Really?"

"No," Draco said casually. "I just said picture it."

Ron burst out laughing, spraying chewed pancake over Lana's robes.

"Ew! RON!!!"

"I'm dead," Ron said, running out of the room, his cousin close at his heels.

"Damn right, asshole!" she yelled for the entire Great Hall to hear.

Ginny grumbled. "That was mean."

"I know. I'm Draco Malfoy. I'm the epitome of everything mean."

"I love you," she said softly.

"I know." Draco grinned at her.

_________________________________________________________________

"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Professor Fiora said to them later that day. "I've decided that I will assign you all your seats." She did not pause when the class groaned.

Lana pouted. "Not fair. If Ron and Hermione get to sit together, I'll put up a fuss. American style." Lana wondered who she would get paired with. Probably not Ron or Hermione. Probably not Draco. Most of the Gryffindors were nice. Even if she was stuck with Neville (who, by the way, still had not realized that his ears were huge), she would be okay. What if she got stuck with a Slytherin? Millicent or Blaise? Or Grabbe and Coyle? Or Pansy Parkinson!

"Mr. Potter and Miss Granger," Professor Fiora said. "Partners." Lana grinned as she saw them high-five each other. Harry had gotten lucky to work with Hermione. Between her straight A's and the closeness of the friendship they shared, Harry would maybe enjoy Defense Against the Dark Arts from now on. "Mr. Weasley and... Miss Bulstrode." Ron gulped. Poor Ronnie. "Miss Weasley and Mr. Malfoy."

Lana picked up her things and moved to Draco's side of the room as other pairs were assigsaid.

"I have a girlfriend," he responded.

"Like that stopped you before," she grumbled, a small smile on her face. She turned around and blew a kiss at Harry, who made a show of catching it and putting it in the pocket of her robes and sending her one, too. Lana put on the same show.

"Get a room," Draco grumbled sourly, watching them with ammusement.

"Mr. Malfoy and Miss Weasley?" Professor Fiora was glaring at them. "If I hear so much as one word about As the Witch Burns, you will both recieve detentions and lose fifty house points."

"Well," Draco asked. "What if only I ask? Will Lana still lose the points?"

"Did I ask you to be smart with me?" Fiora barked in his ear. "You stupid, stupid Slytherin baffoon. Just shut up."

"Touchy, touchy," Draco commented. "I believe they have pills for that now."

Fiora slapped him across the face with a textbook. Then she addressed the class. "If any of you breathe a word of what you just witnessed to anyone outside this classroom, I will make you pay for it dearly." She got a strange, psychotic smile. "I know curses that you don't even see in your nightmares, curses that will make you beg for mercy, curses that make Avada Kedavra look like childs play. All of you, and I do mean each and every one of you useless trolls sitting here right now, keep your traps closed. Any questions?"

She's crazy, Lana thought, looking at Draco, who suddenly looked tired. She glanced around the room, Ron leaning as far away from Millicent as possible, as she was staring at him lovingly. Harry and Hermione were discussing the situatied back to Draco, who was staring daggers at the professor.

"No? Good. Please turn to page 935 in your textbooks..."

______________________________________________________________

Lana stood in front of the entrance to the Slytherin common room. She knew Draco was in there, but she didn't know the password. So Lana had to wait for a Slytherin to come around. Fortunately, there were two coming this way. Unfortunately, they were Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy Parkinson.

"Well, well, well," Pansy said nastily. "A little Gryffie come to play?"

"Are you going in?" Lana asked. "I need to talk to Draco."

"Why?"

"That's my business."

"He's my boyfriend."

"Actually," Lana said sweetly. "He's going out with my cousin, so I guess he's not your boyfriend."

"A Slytherin with a Weasel?" Millicent asked incredulously.

"Oh grow up. You were making googly eyes at Ron the entire Defense class."

"Well, I'm still not letting you in," Pansy announced.

"You have to go in yourself, you know."

"Watch this." She looked at the platinum and emerald studded watch on her slender wrist. "In exactly 48 seconds, Blaise Zabini will walk through the entrance. Then Millie and I get to go in, and poor little Weasel is stuck out in the cold."

Lana looked her own watch. Sure enough, Blaise came out. Pansy and Millicent scrambled through the portal. "Poor little Weasel," Pansy said before she locked Lana out.

Lana stormed into the boys dormitory. "Harry, can I borrow your broom?"

Ron instantly tried to tell Harry not to loan it.

"It's my room," he said.

Lana leaned forward and kissed Harry passionately.

"Ugh," Ron groaned. "Get a room, you two."

Lana glared at him.

"Fine, I'm leaving."

"Good." She turned to Harry. "Can I borrow your broom? I just need to fly down to Slytherin."

"Here's an idea. Use the door?"

"Pansy and Millicent locked me out and I need to talk to Draco about what happened in Fiora's class today."

"Lana..." He looked at his broom. "We have a match in two days."

"Against Slytherin, Harry," Lana exclaimed. "With Pansy Parkinson as Seeker, you could fly blindfolded on a broom as old as McGonagall and still win."

The corners of Harry's lip turned up in a grin. "Be careful," he said, handing the broom to her.

"I love you," she said, mounting the broom and flying out the window. She flew around the castle to where she knew Draco's window was. She peered in to see Draco flopped on his bed uselessly; his chest rose and fell as he breathed rhythmically. Lana knocked on the window, and Draco snapped out of his reverie with a start.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, coming to open the window.

Lana flew in and landed neatly. "I came to check on you," she said, leaning Harry's broom in the corner.

"I'm fine."

"Draco..."

"I'm. Fine. And I sure asffindor to check on me."

"I'm more than just a little Gryffindor and you know it."

"Whatever."

"Don't 'whatever' me, Draco Malfoy."

Draco rounded on her, his eyes tired and worn. "What. Ever."

"What's wrong?" she asked him, her eyes full of compassion. She took his hand and squeezed it. "Something happened in Fiora's class. Something that triggered something, Draco. Tell me."

Draco sat back down r to do the same. She sat, and Draco started to talk. "You know, school's a release for me. It's an escape. I have Crabbe and Goyle, and they'll listen to me if I say hop around Snape's room and bright pink lingerie." (Lana shivered at the thought.) "And there are the other Slytherin ladies who can't keep theirs hands off of me. And when that gets boring, I have Granger, Potter, and Weasel-"

"Ron," she said automatically.

"Weasley."

"Good enough."

"I have Granger, Potter, and Weasley to insult. But at home, it's bad. Father used to slap me like that. Mother tried to stop him, I suppose, but she got it worse. Probably at night when they all reckoned I had fallen asleep." He shrugged.

"Oh, please," he said, moving her hand. "That slap today didn't hurt. Far from it. It was just a little reminder of home."

"Draco, you don't have to put on a tough guy act for me," she said.

His reponse hung in the air, unspoken. Especially for you.

"I better go," she said, reaching for the broom. "I'm meeting Harry, Ron, and Hermione later."

Draco grabbed her arm. "Stay," he pleaded in a whisper. "Please don't leave me alone."

"I have to," she said. "I promised them I'd be there. And don't worry, I won't tell anyone what you told me."

"Of course not," Draco snorted. "You're a Gryffindor."

"You can trust me, Gryffindor or not."

"I know," Draco said, kissing the top of her head. He handed her Harry's broomstick and watched as she mounted it.

She was about the fly out the window when he stopped her. "Hmm?"

"Thanks."

Draco sat stiffly in his seat in Defense Against the Dark Arts a few days later. Ever since the slap, Defense was not one of his favorite classes anymore. Hermione sat the same way, it seemed. Lana wondered who would be Fiora's victim today. First Hermione, then Draco. And Harry had said that some of the other sixth-years had complained, too.

Professor Fiora went into her cupboard and took out a small vial filled with liquid. It was a strange liquid, one that no one had ever seen before. It had swirls of reds, oranges, and yellows. Professor Fiora shook the bottle, and the swirls just swirled in different patterns. "Who can tell me what this is?"

Hermione's hand stayed down. Lana wondered if she really didn't know what was in the bottle, or if she was scared that Fiora would pick on her.

Professor repeated cheerfully. She looked around, her face growing less and less pleasant by the second.

Lana continued to stare at the contents of the bottle. She had no clue what it was, but it was gorgeous. She took a bit of her hair and twirled it around her finger thoughtfully, trying to figure out what was in there.

"Miss Weasley, what are you doing?" she barked.

"Trying to figure out what's in there, Professor" Lana explained politely.

Fiora cocked her head to one side and looked at Lana. (That's never a good thing, she thought). "Miss Weasley, you have very nice hair. Thick, shiny, curly, long. Very nice." She smiled.

Lana beamed. "Thanks, professor!"

Fiora opened the contents of the bottle and held it over Lana's head.

"Somehow I doubt that that's going to improve her hair," Seamus muttered to his partner, Neville, who nodded in agreement.

"Um... Professor, whatever that stuff is, I'd rather not have it in my hair, if you don't mind," Lana said, her eyes darting around rather nervously.

"Stuff?!" she echoed. "STUFF? This, and listen closely all of you, is liquid fire." She allowed a drop to fall on the letter love letter Draco was writing to Ginny, and it burst into flames and was reduced to a pile of ashes in a matter of seconds.

"That was a good letter!" Draco moaned.

"Quiet, you Slytherin!" She turned her attention to Lana. "Doesn't all that hair get hard to manage?" she asked in an oddly calm, slightly creepy manner.

"No, Professor," Lana whispered. She knew Hermione could regrow her hair in a matter of seconds, but she was still scared.

Fiora tilted the bottle and the liquid came rushing into its neck. "Are you sure?"

Lana nodded, her eyes fixated on that bottle.

Someone knocked on the door. Fiora stormed over to answer it, and Lana let out the breath she just realized she was holding. "Oh my god," she said, gasping. She craned her head to see who had saved her, deciding that whoever it was would be her new favorite Professor, even if it was Snape.

Instead of Snape, Professor Flitwick was standing at the door. I LOVE YOU, PROFESSOR FLITWICK! Lana thought. "Hello, Fiona," Professor Flitwick said cheerfully. "Hello, Gryffindors and Slytherins." He waved at them. Some murmured a response, others just waved.

"What are you doing here?" Fiora wanted to know, wrinkling her face in disgust at him.

"Actually, I need to borrow two of your students. Professor Dumbledore sent me to fetch Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter."

Professor Fiora pulled her wand out of her robes. "Well, if Albus wants the students, he most certainly can have them. But tell him to come and get them himself. Wingardium Leviosa!" Poor Professor Flitwick was lifted into the air. The students would have laughed under normal circumstances, but today everyone, Slytherins included, gasped. With a flick of her wand, Fiora sent Professor Flitwick flying half way down the hall at quite an impressive speed. "Useless gnome," she muttered, slamming the door shut. "Now where were we? Oh, yes, Miss Weasley. How would you get rid of liquid fire?"

"Water?" Lana guessed.

"Water?" Fiora laughed as if she had suggested adding cheese. "Let's see what happens when we add water." She took out a small bowl and poured the liquid fire in. She said a spell and her wand let out a fountain of water. "Mr. Longbottom, drink it. Tell me if it's water."

Lana personally thought it was poison and just a means to get red of Neville, but it was water. It was added to the fire, which only grew thicker and swirlier.

"As you can see, Miss Weasley, adding water to liquid fire only gives you more liquid fire. No, the correct answer would be to instead add--"

"WHAT?" Professor Fiora screamed at the door.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Professor Dumbledore said politely.

"Oh, Headmaster! Of course not! Come in, come in! I was just teaching the class about liquid fire."

"That's quite dangerous, Professor Fiora," the Headmaster said, sitting down in the back.

"Better they learn it in a controlled environment, isn't it, Headmaster?" Fiora reasoned, now perfectly sane.

"re you doing with the liquid fire?"

Trying to set my hair on fire, Lana felt like telling him.

"Teaching them how to extinguish it, Headmaster. Perhaps you would like to give the class a demonstration?"

"Certainly," he said, smiling. "And then I must borrow Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy."

"Of course, Headmaster," she said, returning his smile.

Professor Dumbledore pulled his own wand out of his pockets and cleared his throat. "Aquarius Argentum!" A silvery-blue liquid streamed out of his wand, exterminating the fire. "Silver Water," he explained.

Lana's hand shot into the air. "Headmaster, if I had just said 'water,' would that be wrong?"

"Not entirely, Miss Weasley, not entirely. You said half of it, and thus you are half way there. Of course, using regular water on a liquid fire would not work. And now I'll just be on my way. Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter, follow me." He waited while they gathered their belongings. "I am sorry for interrupting your class, Professor Fiora. Good day."

"Good day, Headmaster. Good day Potter and Malfoy." She shut the door. "THE INTERRUPTIONS!" she yelled in frustration, throwing the now-empty bottle of liquid fire against the door.

Lana gulped. Harry and Draco were gone, and she was alone with this psycho. Ron and Hermione were there, though. Maybe she wasn't entirely alone. She looked at the hourglass on the table. They had roughly five minutes left. Lana breathed a sigh of relief. The sooner she got out of here and on with the rest of her day, the better.