Feathers, Lab Rats and a Very Modern Love Affair

The light gleamed off the silver comb that went through Lucius' pale blonde locks. He smoothed his black robes down and winked in the general direction of the mirror. Admiring how his trousers fitted tightly against his muscular legs, in great shape after years of failed attempts to kill Harry Potter, and then having to run away, he left his study in search of young virgins he could bed, and little children he could scare.

Alas, his wife Narcissa was not too terrible in bed - perhaps a little too wild for Lucius - him being a good momma's Death Eater boy and all, and they did produce a super hot son, Draco, but there was no fire! Well, there was fire, but that must have been the Weasleys trying to escape from the dungeons, and yes, Lucius had thought about re-doing the hexes, but he was just too sexy, and had been busy trying to seduce his mirror.

The mirror refused to give it up, and Lucius was running out of virgins. Oh, the horror! He tried cornering Draco a few times, because he did look like himself a bit, and Lucius had heard rumours of his son's conquests at Hogwarts (and that with the Longbottom boy, nonetheless), but the boy refused to come out of his room while he was at home, after seeing more of Lucius than he had wanted to. Then there was Voldemort as well, but he was still recovering, and he would need all strength if he wanted to seduc...er, slaughter Harry Potter, and seeing how superexcellentllymarvelous Lucius was, he would tire out the old devil.

Lucius sighed, and went to look for the nearest mirror, and after finding one, realised that all this thinking had made him look less pretty (and therefore, who would want to sex him up?), and after applying a glamour charm on himself, he went out to the garden for a walk near the Malfoy piranha lake. Lucius could not understand how could one prefer dogs...or...cats, over these adorable little munchkins. Ah, thinking again! He tried not to scowl, whilst winking at the nearest piranha, and he was sure that it winked back.

He must have fallen asleep whilst enjoying the beautiful evening on the Malfoy estate, because after all, even the ground he walked on oozed sex appeal. Getting up abruptly from the supersexyandhotlikehisson, Draco, ground he went for his pocket mirror, to check that there were no marks in his skin...and he certainly did not want anything that looked like the stretch marks Nott had. He had always wondered what kind of Death Eater mission was Nott on when he got them...

He was interrupted by the feel of something wet near his ear, and although he did not mind whatever was happening, he knew that Narcissa did not have such a long, and oddly shaped tongue. He turned his supersexy head slightly, exposing the skin of his pale neck, which was still as smooth as the skin of a baby, even though Lucius was not the lively twenty year old that he was long ago. He had to give it to Muggles, L'oreal anti-aging cream was doing miracles for him, and after the defeat of Potter, Lucius planned to take over the company himself. And be the spokes model as well.

He turned and found himself face to face with two large brown eyes, and something that certainly wasn't a mouth, but Lucius thought that it was a rather sexy beak. The creature was gazing at him lovingly, and since Lucius was sure it was a hippogriff, this struck him as odd...Hippogriffs were not friendly, especially not to Malfoys. Even the ones you would want to lick chocolate off, like his son Draco. He thought about Avada Kedavra-ing the creature for disrupting his sleep, but at the exact moment, the hippogriff did something very interesting to Lucius' neck, and Lulu could not help but giggle, and let the silly animal enjoy a piece of his sexy self. Animal attraction, indeed.

The hippogriff had planned to eat Lucius for lunch, just as the The Order planned, and he thought he would start with his ear, which did not taste that bad at all, when the sodding Malfoy woke up, and Buckbeak had to try and attack a more vulnerable area - his neck. Lucius ran his hands through Beaky's feathers, which seemed to relax the animal, and it became more gentle. He kissed each feather, while the animal was nuzzling his neck with its beak. Beaky noticed the Malfoy was not scared at all, and he even seemed to enjoy himself, and what the hell, his hands running through Beaky's feathers did feel rather nice, and after all, he could not fight his animal instincts.

Lucius was in heaven - he saw the moon, the stars, naked Voldem..more stars, and Buckbeak was in heaven - he saw dead rats, oddly enough, with long blonde hair. A moment seemed to last an eternity, and Lucius has never felt happier, and his nose brushed against the soft feathers..

***

Although Lucius had days when he would disappear for hours, possibly on another Death Eater mission, or the more likely, on the phone with Dolce, demanding that he and Gabanna get back together right now, and create him a new silver foil suit, Narcissa started to worry after he has not shown up for three of his hourly manicures. Certainly, alone time had its charms, for fighting with Lucius and having to sit through another recital of "I am too sexy for my Dark Mark, Voldemort, and Great Britain" was torturous. He was the love of her life, so she decided to look for him, if he fell off a cliff or drowned, the blame would fall on her, and going shopping and wasting the Malfoy inheritance seemed a bit out of reach if you were in Azkaban.

She went around the large house nearing the piranha lake where Lucius would come to think up new lipstick shades, and although his last one (Voldemort White) was not a success, he still thought of the lake as an inspiration. As she came nearer, she saw two shapes, one could have been Lucius, and the other one looked like a rather large animal. The animal was half on top of Lucius, and it looked like it was lunching on him.

"LUCIUS!" Narcissa shrieked, as she ran closer to fend off the animal, and at least save the family jewellery that was on Lucius. Coming to stand next to them she saw that the previous lunching was mutual, and that Lucius seemed to be the more interested (and passionate!) party.

Narcissa was getting fed up with Lucius' "experimenting adventures" as he called them. "Darling, I thought we had talked about this. You promised that you would only...seduce.. Garden Gnomes. Not big animals Lulu dear, don't you remember the last time! You still cannot walk properly!" she screamed.

Lucius jumped away from Buckbeak, slightly flushed, but still very composed and dead sexy, and went to stand next to his wife, while Buckbeak made his way to the other side, apparently, preparing to fly away.

"That was Avery, Narcissa. I was getting my beauty sleep when he Apparated next to me, apparently to discuss the next meeting with me. We will be taking the Super Cunning Plan into action. Extremely evil and dangerous, but surely enough to bring about the fall of Harry Potter. Die Potter, die. You know how it is. And we don't have any Garden Gnomes, you had them all removed from the front, side, the other side, and that one over there, garden."

Narcissa laughed, a tinkling laugh that signified that she did not fall for another intelligent and well thought out lie that Lucius told. "Avery has sprouted a beak? He was over a few days ago for our annual brunch and drunch, and he looked quite human. And the feathers? That was a hippogriff, Lucius, I might be under Imperius, and I might be stupid, but I am not stupid. I mean, I am stupid, but I know a hippogriff when I see one."

"He was never blessed with good looks, poor fellow. It was just the light in the room, dear, and you might need glasses. And the feathers belong on his coat, it is Dior. Do you want one?" Lucius replied, and rushed towards the house, not eager to discuss the matter further and casting one last glance at the passionate animal gazing boldly into his eyes, and departing for the sky. Well, thank heavens for nights to come, and that shack behind the Malfoy Display of Severed Heads of the Weasleys and the Fake Doll Head of Harry Potter with Blonde Hair and Perfectly Applied Lip Gloss.

***

Waking up quite early for his usual standards, Lucius emerged from his room at three in the afternoon, perfectly polished in all the right places, and then some. He was displeased to find his bed empty, and no memories of a tryst - with a human or non, happening the night before. He tried to convince himself that he spent an incredible night with Cindy Craford, and that she used a Memory Charm on him and then killed herself, afraid that they will both indeed go crazy if they had such incredible memories of the experience.

It did not matter as much as before, after the otherworldly encounter with the hippogriff, Lucius didn't think he would be up to bedding ten virgins and other strange folk a day. Maybe five. Or six, seven, eight, or nine. Nine seemed about right, because he was grieving, grieving something that could have resulted in love.

Hurrying downstairs for his appointment with Marco the goblin, for his hourly manicure, Lucius thought of possible ways, and Cunning Plans to meet his hippogriff again. He knew that he could not go to Voldemort, the Dark Lord was quite busy these days, running the Muggle company of Paramount, while most of the Death Eaters were overseas, working on another scheme to brainwash the Muggle youth and make world domination a little bit closer - Mean Girls II - No One Sleeps With My Death Eater, biatch! Lucius was still bitter that Crabbe and Goyle seniors got the leading roles of the two popular girls gone bad again while Lucius was so much prettier and bitchier.

As Marco was putting on the last golden bell on Lucius' nail, he thought of a person who was much more accessible, and easier to persuade, the Sex God of Slytherin, Malfoy Manor, Great Britain, and the mother Earth - his blonde bombshell of a son, Draco Malfoy.

He wrote a letter to Dumbledore, telling him to expect his arrival, and that he must speak with Draco about urgent matters.

To Albus Dumbledore,

I am hoping this letter finds you before I arrive, and I hope it finds you clothed, and far away from that Squib Filch with whom I've seen you sneaking about. In that case, please do not send a reply, if I die a premature death, who will be there to raise Draco into a fine slutty specimen, who pesters Potter and seems to possess a very wide vocabulary, which contains of words Mudblood, and die. And no pictures this time. Filch could sue you. On the more serious matter, I will be arriving shortly to speak to Draco about the state of his mother - she has glued herself to the window in our bedroom, attempting a new lipstick charm. Draco will be most upset if he does not find out the terrible news from me, his loving and rather good looking father.

P.S. Send my love to the Giant Squid, I hope the brandy is holding up. It was rather old and expensive. That money hogging wench.

Lucius "Pretty Little Daisy" Malfoy

Pleased with the outcome, he sent it off and went to get ready for his journey.

***

Albus Dumbledore had been sitting in his office, looking over letters from the Ministry, when Lucius emerged from the fireplace, followed by two house elves, Lucius in a white cloak, and the elves wearing bikinis made out of foil and some animal's skin, in attempt to match their master's clothing.

"Dumbledore."

"Ah, Lucius."

"I assume the letter arrived. Well? Shall I be escorted to Slytherin house?"

"It did, indeed. The Squid requested French wine, the brandy is giving it bathroom problems. Filch is on vacation. His brother, Dilch, is helping out now. He is not a Squib, makes matters much more interesting...ah, Severus will escort you now. Severus!"

Snape entered the office, looking none to pleased to see Lucius standing there, although his expression could not be deciphered correctly, for his skin was utterly orange, glowing, and looking at him without a good pair of dark Gucci glasses was as bad as going up to the Giant Squid and offering it a bottle of Diet Coke.

Snape gave a small nod towards Lucius, who understood to follow him, and his elves, Jose and Shaquonda struggled to keep up behind them.

"So, Severus, using cheap tanning lotion, are we?"

"I went to the Bahamas. Minerva thinks it compliments my hair quite nicely."

"Oily and rather hard to look at? I see it now, apologies. Thankfully, my hair is long, blonde and silky, and my skin is like the finest porcelain, and my.."

"Here we are, Luscious. Lucius."

They came up to a large portrait of a man who seemed to be nearing fifty, wearing long dark robes and a stern expression. Lucius waited for Snape to give the password, but the other man just stood, leaning on the wall, and looking expectantly at Lucius.

"Well? You can start."

"Start what?" said Lucius. He didn't like to look on Snape's face.

"You see, Slytherin has always been the home of the cunning and the sly, the best, and the most original, so we decided to change things around the house a bit. There are no more passwords. Instead, we do stripping. You have to strip down to a red thong, otherwise you may stay and camp outside of the portrait."

"Why red? It is completely démodé, and it lacks in visual appeal."

"He likes it," Snape said gesturing towards the wizard in the portraits, who was now openly showing his enthusiaszm for the show to come.

"Utterly ridiculous. Why can't you do it? You are Head of Slytherin!"

"Red clashes with my oily and rather hard to look at skin, Lucius. And I do not want to take away your fame and glory. Start any time now!"

Scowling, Lucius began to unfasten his cloak..

***

Draco had been lounging in the Common Room when his father appeared, looking dishevelled and distressed. He was not surprised by this unexpected visit, for Lucius would come and go, trying to hex his Slytherin classmates into forcing Draco to create a sex tape with them, which Lucius was sure would make the Malfoys even more wealthy.

"Draco."

"Pimp Daddy."

"Draco, language. To you, I am Pimp Father. Have you no respect for the Malfoy name, and my lab rat cloak, from the Malfoy lab where we keep the rats?"

"Apologies. What brings you here? Zabini is busy, if you are looking for him. Or her."

"ZABINI? He left and didn't even call! Or she did. I have feelings too, you know! Anyway. I need you to go on a mission here. You need to seduce Potter. I know, I know, you are not too fond of him, but can't be worse than Longbottom, can it?"

Draco looked up at his father, his eyes wide. "LONGBOTTOM? What?! The closest I have gotten to having relations with Longbottom is stuffing him in Snape's laundry basket and pretending to use him as a spoon whilst stirring soup. Longbo...long...bottom...oh. That was Pansy's father. I mentioned that she had a long bottom, and that I jumped out the window of her bedroom, in order to prevent permanent brain damage."

"Long bottom?"

"Er, yes. It happens. Ever since she started that Muggle job at McDonalds.."

"NEVERMIND. You will be seducing Potter anyway. Or the Mudblood. I don't CARE. I need to you to get close to them, and find out the whereabouts of that hippogriff of theirs."

"Buckbeak? Why...oh no. Not again. No, no, no."

"Yes, yes, yes. If you do it, I will buy you Paul Mitchell."

Draco's eyes now lit up. "All the hair products...for me?"

"Yes. And I heard Mitchell can tap dance beautifully."

"I'll do it."

"Oh I knew you would. Now, feel how soft the lab rat skin is.."