How Harry Can Kill You-Know-Who

How Harry Can Kill You-Know-Who

by Ron Weasley

Professor Binns is the boringest teacher in the whole wide world. And I don't care if Hermione says he's interesting - he's boring. So, it's not like anybody, except my mum and dad, expects me to pay attention in History of Magic. They all know that there's no possible way that I'll ever survive a class like that without SOMETHING more interesting to do. So, in the light of that, my mind started wandering and I began to wonder, how could Harry kill You-Know-Who? I mean, seriously? Because he didn't die last time. So ideas began pouring in. Such as:

"Hit him over the head several times with a frying pan."

"Erm, Ron?" Harry looked at me as if I was incredibly sick. "How many of Fred and George's Nonsense-Provoking Gumballs have you had?"

I, of course, hadn't had any as far as I knew. I avoid testing Fred and George's concoctions. I followed Harry out of History of Magic down to the Charms corridor. Then I thought of another way:

"Send him several of Fred and George's most scrumptiously enchanted sweets."

"Somehow I have a feeling that Volde...I mean You-Know-Who, doesn't accept personal gifts from the Boy Who Lived. Especially ones that come in a specially wrapped box labeled: To Volde...I mean You-Know-Who. Love Weasley's Wizard Wheezes." Harry tried to concentrate on his charming.

"I 'spose Mum would have something to say to Fred and George about that." I grinned, imagining the look on my Mum's face when she found out my brothers had sent sweets to the Dark Lord. And speaking of my mum:

"Make him face my mum when she's in a foul mood."

"Is she really that bad?" Harry entered the Great Hall.

"Don't you remember how she was when your cousin got a hold of one of Fred and George's sweets?" I quickened my pace to keep up with Harry.

"Oh yeah!" Harry grinned. "I'll never forget Dudley's tongue! Or when Hagrid turned him into a pig!"

Hagrid and his creatures. I grinned at the thought entering my mind:

"Put him up against Hagrid's animals, creatures, things..."

"Of course, we'd have to find Norbert - I 'spose Charlie could find him - and Fluffy - do you think he's still in the third corridor? - and the globberworms, and the nifflers, and the thestrals, and Buckbeak - well, Sirius has him - and..." Harry began listing the many.

"Erm...okay...scratch that one then..." I sat down and looked at my plate. Maybe food would help me think.

And food did help me think. It always does. Harry had mentioned Sirius, so I decided he deserved some spotlight:

"Well, Sirius could always pay a visit to You-Know-Who as Padfoot and slip some poison into his goblet or something."

Harry turned to face me. He had a pained look on his face. Suddenly I realized what I had said.

"Oh! I'm sorry, Harry! I forgot!" I had seriously forgotten. But no! Harry, my nice, understanding best friend wasn't feeling so nice, understanding, and best friend-ish.

"YOU WOULDN'T KNOW NOW, WOULD YOU?!?!" Harry stomped off.

I shrugged. I guessed I'd have to feed my brilliant ideas to Hermione.

"He could read a lot of books, learn lots of spells, confuse You-Know-Who, then use the Killing Curse."

It involved books, I figured Hermione would like that one.

"I still can't believe you mentioned Sirius in front of Harry!" Hermione cautiously mixed some dragonfly wings into her potion.

I decided that telling her that Harry mentioned it first wouldn't have gone over well. I suddenly got this incredible urge to return to memories of when I was little, playing with Ginny. Well tinkling her was more like it. I didn't suppose Hermione was going to enjoy my thoughts:

"Harry could jump out of a closet, perform a Tickling Charm, then kill him."

"Ron, why don't you focus on your potion? I don't think it's supposed to be brewing a bright pink."

I looked at my potion. Actually, it was supposed to be pink. Harry and I had slipped into the library and gotten the ingredients for a love potion. I figured I could pour a drop into Hermione's pumpkin juice at dinner.

"Weasley!" Snape stood over me. "I believe the potion is supposed to be pale blue, not bright pink. Dump that and start over immediately and maybe I'll give you half a grade!"

So much for my brilliant plan. But while on the subject of love potions:

"Harry could brew a love potion!"

"To give to Voldemort?" Hermione shook her head, as if I were a hopeless case. "So Voldemort can follow Harry around completely and utterly in love, but having a strange and irresistible urge to kill him. That'll work." She rolled her eyes.

"Actually, that would be wicked!" I grinned. "Bloody amusing!" I tried to imagine You-Know-Who following Harry around like a puppy dog. The images were disturbing. Love often leads to disturbing images, just like the next idea I came up with:

"Harry could grab You-Know-Who, shove him in a broom closet, and..."

"Ron! Honestly! You have way too much time on your hands! This isn't something to joke about, this is serious!" Hermione stormed off.

I shrugged. I had been serious. Maybe I should try and make it up to her by coming up with something boring:

"Or You-Know-Who could always die of old age, or get hit by a car. There's no shame in a natural death, ey?"

I had to scream after Hermione. I don't think she heard me. Oh well. I wonder if Wormtail/Scabbers/Peter Pettigrew ever dreams up ways to kill Harry...