Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, ... Very Bad Plot!

A/N: Something I wrote last year in my Biology class (I don't like dissections and I feel the same way that Draco and Ron do... ::shivers:: This brings back bad memories, but it NEEDED to be posted... It felt abandoned...

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its related characters, situations or blah blah blah... And no you cannot have the 50 cents to my name... I need it to make a phone call.

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Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!

By: Liz Swarthy

Chapter Five: Pigs and Spiders and Scalpels, Oh My!

One day, in a normal biology lab, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco found themselves in a group together dissecting a fetal pig. They sat around the table just staring at the pig in the dissection tray before them. Doing nothing, just staring. Finally, after quite a long silence, Draco picked up the instruction sheet and began to read it aloud to them.

"It says we have to use that string," Draco said, pointing to a string on the table next to the tray, "to measure the pig and figure out how old it is." They all stared at him blankly, and Draco stared blankly at the sheet. He looked up and saw them staring at him. "Stop staring at me! I don't know what I'm doing!" Harry scrunched up his face, put on a pair of gloves and picked up the string cautiously, so not to touch the wrinkled pink pig, and then he paused.

"Um, how am I supposed to do this?"

Hermione snatched the instruction sheet out of Draco's hand. Draco growled something at her under his breath. She scanned the sheet. "It says," she said indignantly, "that you have to put one end of the string on the pig's snout, go over its head, down its spine and to the tip of its tail, and then you need to measure the length of the string with a meter stick." (A/N: I memorized the instruction sheet, by the way, because I was holding it in front of my face during the entire lab because I could stand the sight of the pig...)

Harry nodded, still not understanding as much as any of the other what this had to do with age, and he measured the pig and told them that it was 30 cm long. "Now what?"

Hermione glanced down the page again. "It says that the pig is 115 days old."

"More like 115 days dead," Ron said, looking at the pig and scrunching his face up in disgust. Suddenly, a grin spread over his disgusted look and he said, "You know, it sort of resembles Draco."

Draco shot Ron a death glare and Harry snorted back a laugh. "It smells like you," Draco retorted. Ron growled angrily. (A/N: GROWLING IS FUN!!!)

Hermione shook her head in amusement, "You two really need to grow up. Besides, we need to start cutting."

Draco and Ron gulped, looking up at her. "Cutting?" they asked in unison.

"Yes," Hermione said.

"You mean like cutting the pig open and spilling its guts everywhere?" Draco asked, looking a bit frightened, as well as disgusted.

"No, I mean dissecting," Hermione said.

"Same thing!" Ron and Draco said in unison.

"Whatever," Harry said, picking up four pins. He broke the pig's legs and pinned them down. Draco and Ron backed away as far as they could, which wasn't very far at all. Harry picked up the scalpel and began cutting the pig open.

Ron's eyes grew very wide and he threw a hand up to cover his mouth while Draco let out a terrified squeak and flew under the table behind him and covered up his face in his hands.

Hermione shook her head in amazement. "You two act like a couple of first year girls!"

Harry laughed. "You can look, you know!"

"That's perfectly fine, thanks," came Draco's muffled squeak. He crawled out from under the table, careful not to look at the pig, grabbed the instruction sheet and hid the pig from his view.

"Pathetic," Hermione said softly.

"Am not!" Draco and Ron said in unison, glaring at Hermione. They saw the pig. The site of its intestines completely exposed caught their eyes and they gasped (Draco squeaked in terror, actually ;p) and they turned away.

Half an hour passed in silence. Suddenly, Draco stood up, walked calmly to the teacher's desk, mumbled something, and then rushed from the room.

"Where's he going?" Hermione asked.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go," Harry said, half expecting to see a T-Rex run after Draco and eat him.

Ron cut through Harry's happy thoughts. "Actually, the pig's made him sick!" Ron laughed, then stopped suddenly, stood up, rushed to the teacher's desk, mumbled something, and then rushed down the hall after Draco.

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Ron ran into the lavatory. He looked around and saw Draco on the floor in the corner hugging his knees to his chest and whimpering. "What's wrong, Dracie-poo?" Ron asked, trying as hard as possible not to laugh.

Draco pointed to the stall in front of him. "Spider," he said, his voice very squeaky.

Ron looked into the stall and, sure enough, there was a black spider on the toilet seat. Ron shrieked and scrambled backwards and onto one of the sinks.

Harry walked in. "What's taking so -What's going on?"

Ron and Draco pointed to the stall and said in unison, "Spider."

"Oh, for the love of Mike!" Harry sighed. (A/N: I love that phrase!) He looked into the stall to see an itty-bitty little ickle baby spider. He squashed it with his thumb and washed his hands and watched as it went down the drain. "There," he said. "I'm going back now." And with that, the brave spider killer left.

Ron and Draco stood up and prepared to leave. Just as they reached the door, they heard a loud rustling. They looked around widely, trying to figure out where it was coming from when all of a sudden a black mass flooded into the room and surrounded them. They grasped each other and screamed, "SPIDERS!" And the screamed some more.