There Is No Such Place

Chapter summary: Lily begins to make a discovery. Several serious discussions are had.

Lily's grandmother was buried on a bright morning, two days after she died. As she watched the coffin being lowered into the ground, Lily thought of James. In her pocket were the letters she'd received from Severus and James, and a clipping from yesterday's Daily Prophet, which Sirius had sent.

The ruined Potter house was to be torched that day. Perhaps it was being burnt at that very moment, in place of a funeral pyre for the dead witches and wizards.

Magical people were almost always cremated. There were too many spells which could be practiced with a corpse.

Lily watched her mother, standing thoughtfully by Grandma Madison's open grave. After a long moment, she threw a flower into the grave, and walked away. Her father touched her shoulders, and then wrapped his arms around her. Mrs Evans put her head on her husband's shoulder, closing her eyes. Lily looked away.

Tears were streaming down Petunia's face. She seemed reluctant to wipe her eyes, and Lily uncharitably mused that she was probably enjoying the spectacle she created: the devoted granddaughter.

Lily's own eyes were dry, although she felt sick to her stomach.

"Aren't you upset?" Petunia demanded. "Don't you care at all?"

"I care," said Lily, but she wasn't sure if it was true.

As soon as they got home, Mrs Evans went into her bedroom and closed the door. Several hours later, the phone rang, and Lily's father apologetically left for the office, to deal with a minor emergency. Lily and Petunia spent the afternoon in silence, both studying.

Their mother refused dinner, so Lily made herself an omelet, and Petunia cooked a casserole which she put in the oven for their father to eat when he came home.

"When are you going back to school?" asked Petunia.

"I don't know. Soon, I think. I have exams."

Petunia snorted, but said nothing. She walked away, and Lily went upstairs to check the Magical Railways timetable. There was no point in remaining here any longer, and she suddenly missed Hogwarts fiercely. Hogwarts, and her boys, and Snape.

'In the entire world,' he'd written, 'the only thing I know for certain is that life with you is infinitely preferable to life without.'

Downstairs, the car pulled into the garage, and Lily heard her father enter the house. He said something to Petunia, and made his way upstairs.

"Evening, pumpkin," he said to Lily. "Is Mum in her room?"

"Yeah." He moved on before Lily had a chance to ask him about going back to school.

Lily pulled her Herbology textbook out of the messy pile of books and parchment at the foot of her bed. She heard her parents' voices, first low and intense, then louder.

Petunia walked past and stopped in the doorway.

"Remember," she said, "they only ever fight when you're around."

"Get lost, Petunia."

Two bright pink spots appeared in Petunia's face, but whatever she was going to say was cut off by their father yelling, "Then why won't you *talk* to anyone?" Petunia shuddered and almost ran into her room, slamming the door.

Lily suddenly wanted to be very, very far away from her family. And if the only way to do that was to walk through the heart of the fire, well...

She picked up the train timetable and knocked on her parents' door. There was silence, and she wondered if they were going to respond at all. Then her father opened the door.

"Can it wait, Lily? Your mother and I are in the middle of a discussion."

"No," said Mrs Evans, wiping her eyes, "I think we're done. What is it, Lily?"

Mr Evans threw a furious glance at his wife. "Well. Petunia has made a delicious-looking dinner for me. I should go and eat it." He left, frowning.

Lily sat down on her parents' bed. "I was thinking that I should go back to school soon," she said. "There's a train in a couple of days."

"Are you sure you don't want to stay longer? It's your birthday soon, and I know it's been dreadfully strange, but things will be back to normal soon, I promise."

Lily shook her head. "I have exams."

"All right. Two days, then." Mrs Evans leaned back against her pillows, pushing her fine, white-blond hair out of her face. Lily stretched out across the bed.

"I just wish that I could do it all again," her mother said suddenly. "My relationship with Mum, certain parts of my marriage ... I wish I could have a second go." She smiled sadly at Lily. "Can you go back and change time with magic?"

"Yeah. But it's complicated, and nothing good ever comes out of changing history. Or at least, that's what my Arithmancy professor says."

"Well. That's almost good to know." Mrs Evans frowned. "You're wearing Grandma's locket."

"Yeah." Lily held it up on its chain. She was oddly drawn to it, feeling guilty when she didn't wear it. "Why, don't you like it?"

"Not much."

"Why not?"

"It reminds me of my father."

Lily flipped the locket open. "I was thinking of replacing the photo," she admitted.

"That ... would be a good idea."

They lay together in silence. Lily listened to her mother's breathing, glad that her earlier brittle anger had passed.

"I don't like it when you and Daddy fight," she said suddenly.

"It's not much fun for us, either."

"You aren't planning to get a divorce, are you?"

"No. Oh God, no. But ... Mum was telling me some things before she died, and they reminded your father of a difficult patch in our marriage." Her mother smiled weakly. "Nothing to do with you, of course."

Lily felt an odd prickle. But her mother wouldn't lie to her, surely. Trying to be offhand, she said, "What was Grandma saying?"

Her mother's face became guarded.

"Mum?"

"It's really none of your business, Lily." But her mother wasn't meeting Lily's eyes. Lily sat up.

"I -- I don't think that's true."

Her mother opened her eyes, and it suddenly struck Lily that she *did* look an awful lot like Petunia: they had the same cold, grey eyes. Mrs Evans looked down her slightly pointed nose at Lily and said, softly, "Are you accusing me of lying?"

"I -- no -- yes. I think you're lying to me. Or holding something back, or keeping something a secret." Lily was becoming more angry with every word. "And I'm sick of people keeping secrets," she yelled, "especially when they affect me. I'm tired of people hiding things when I walk into the room, or playing stupid mind games and blaming their problems on everyone but themselves, and I can't *believe* you would lie to me, Mum, I don't want to believe it, but I'm certain it's true."

Her mother's lips were tight and angry. "I will not be spoken to like this, Liliane."

"Send her back to school." Lily swung around; her father and Petunia were standing in the doorway. Petunia's face was alight. This is it, Lily thought, this is where she finally proves that she's the better daughter.

"Apologise to your mother, Lily," said her Dad.

"No." A detached part of Lily's mind marveled at the sulkiness in her voice, and noted the hurt look in her mother's eyes with satisfaction. "She's the one who lied to me." She gathered her dignity around her and walked out, head held high.

***

Two days later, Lily boarded the early train to Hogsmeade. She'd left her father at the barrier to Platform Nine and Three Quarters, pecking him on the cheek and walking away. She hadn't said goodbye to her mother. They'd barely spoken since their argument.

Lily scowled as a group of voluble middle aged wizards entered her compartment. They wore business robes, and spent several hours loudly discussing Quidditch, the Ministry, and various witches they worked with. One of them, a weedy looking man with mud-coloured eyes, kept glancing covertly at Lily, who glared at him. They disembarked at a funny little station near Birmingham, but Lily enjoyed only a few minutes peace before a large, noisy family took their place.

By the time she got to school, she was in a thoroughly bad mood, with a splitting headache and a sore neck. It was raining as the train pulled into Hogsmeade Station. Lily slipped in the mud and dropped her suitcase into a puddle before she finally settled, wet and frustrated, into a Hogwarts carriage. She raised her hands and released her hair from its damp, tangled braid. It fell down her back, a heavy and oddly comforting mass.

The school was at dinner when she arrived, but Professor McGonagall met her in the Entrance Hall. Her lips pursed as she surveyed her dripping student.

"Just go upstairs, Miss Evans," she ordered. "I'll have the house elves send something up to your dorm."

"Thanks."

Lily bathed and changed into her pajamas. When she returned to her dorm, there was a tray beside her bed. Someone, probably the house elves, had already un-Transfigured her trunk and unpacked. Usually, Lily appreciated that sort of thing -- she hated packing, and left to her own devices, she'd probably live out of suitcases all year. But now, she felt annoyed. Couldn't she be allowed to do *anything* for herself?

She shook her head, marveling at her ability to be an idiot. Her bed was warm, her sheets were crisp and clean, and her dinner was delicious. Really, there was nothing in the world to be angry at, provided that she didn't have to deal with other human beings.

"You're back."

Or other creatures capable of speech.

Lily smiled cheerlessly at Geraldine. "I'm back."

Geraldine and Mary sat down on Geraldine's bed, and Mary began practicing a Styling Charm on Geraldine's hair. She was quite bad at it, tangling Geraldine's hair so badly that it would require magic to smooth it out properly. Watching her mess up *that* charm as well, Lily lost patience.

"Look," she said, climbing out of bed, "it's like this." She untangled Geraldine's hair, not bothering to use the charm gently. Geraldine yelped in protest, but Lily ruthlessly charmed the knots out.

"You wave your wand in *this* pattern, you flick, you enunciate and emphasise the 'ah' sound, not the 'eh'. A third year could do it. *Narcissa* can do it." She straightened up and glared at Mary. "So bloody well shut up about Geraldine having the wrong sort of hair for magic."

Lily threw herself back into bed and drew the curtains. She picked up her first year Transfiguration notes and returned to revising Switching Spells.

"Lily," said Mary tremulously.

Lily ripped her curtains open. "What."

"I'm sorry about your grandmother."

"Thanks."

"Is -- is that her locket? I've never seen it before."

"Yeah." Lily took it off and showed it to Mary, who flipped it open.

"Wow," she said. "The picture's not moving at all."

"It's a Muggle picture."

"I guessed. I mean," Mary tittered, "you can't have any magical relatives if you're a Muggle-born."

"Right." Had it taken Mary five years to reach that conclusion, Lily wondered.

"Look, Geraldine, it's completely still."

Geraldine pointedly ignored the proffered locket. Instead, she said to Lily, "Did you hear about the Potters?"

Mary clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh, poor James..."

"Yeah," said Lily, "I heard." She didn't tell them that she'd been with James when he found out. Mary would probably think it was cool.

"James had the house burnt to the ground. What was left, anyway." Geraldine smiled as she said this.

"I know."

"He's the second-richest wizard under forty, now," said Mary. "The richest is Lucius Malfoy. Narcissa says that *he's* in love with her. He's, like, *thirty-five*. Isn't that *scandalous?*"

Yes, Lily thought, but she didn't say anything.

"Is it true," said Geraldine, "that Muggles bury their dead in the ground? Where *anyone* could get their bodies?"

"Muggles don't usually worry about Dark magic," said Lily. "It's not a high priority."

"But their bodies do go in the ground, to decompose into nothing."

"Yeah. Do you have a point?"

Geraldine smiled. "No. Just curious. Will *you* be buried when you die?"

"No. I'll be cremated, like any other witch. And if I die during the night, Geraldine, and you have me buried, I'll bloody well haunt you to your metaphorical grave. You think Moaning Myrtle's a misery? Try me in a bad mood." Lily snatched her locket from Mary's hand and drew her curtains. "Now, fucking well leave me alone."

There was a shocked silence from the other side of the curtains. Lily smiled savagely and went to sleep.

***

James and Sirius returned to school a week later. Lily's bad mood had excluded her from the company of Remus and Peter, and she watched from a distance as they greeted the boys. James clapped Remus on the back and pulled away to ask a question. Remus pointed in her direction, frowning. James shook his head and walked over.

"Hey, Lily."

He sat down beside her, helping himself to a carrot from her plate. Lily glared at him.

"Hi."

"Did you get my letter?"

"Yeah. It was ... interesting."

He frowned as he registered her flat tone. "Aw, hell. I'm sorry. It was an imposition, I shouldn't have--"

"No. I mean, you needed to talk. I just didn't quite know what to do. I was worried about you."

"I'm okay."

"I know."

She finished eating her dinner. "I'm glad you're okay," she said, forcing herself to be sincere. After all, she *was* glad, she just didn't want to deal with anything complicated.

"Thanks." James began to say something, but Lily pushed her plate away and gathered her books, preparing to leave.

"Potter." James and Lily both glanced up; neither had noticed Severus slipping up behind them. "Welcome back."

James grinned unpleasantly. "Severus. How I've missed you."

"I suppose it would be tasteless to inquire after your family."

"All dead, thanks for asking." A few lingering Gryffindors had paused their conversations to listen, and several Ravenclaws were turning to watch.

"I think we've all heard," Snape said. "Because you're so very important, Potter, that everyone has heard of your *tragic* loss." Snape tilted his head thoughtfully. He hadn't looked at Lily once. "They say the Dark Lord executed the attack himself."

"I know." James was very pale, and his fists were clenched.

"I don't believe it, myself."

"Oh?" James stood up and faced Snape. They were about the same height, but Snape's physical tension was palpable, whereas James seemed relaxed, except for his hands, which were clenched so tightly that the knuckles were white. "Share your wisdom with us, Severus. What insights do you have into the mind of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

"Just this: the Dark Lord is not incompetent. If he wanted to destroy your family, there wouldn't be any leftovers."

James laughed bitterly. "So it wasn't Voldemort, it was an incompetent Death Eater? I can think of a few stupid Dark wizards, Snape. I did some reading while I was in London--"

"James." Frank was watching them, looking furious. "Let it go."

"Why? You heard what he said."

"That doesn't give you the right."

"How about the privilege?" James smiled at Snape, but his eyes were hard. "The privilege," James continued, "of airing his dirty black linen in public--"

"You wouldn't dare," Snape hissed. "I know a few things, Potter. About your aunt, and your father. And your poor, dead brother--"

"Pugno!" Snape, caught off-guard by Sirius' curse, broke off suddenly, but he already had his wand out as he spun around to retaliate.

"Fucking Gryffindors," he spat, "so bloody *noble* that you'll attack from behind. Scabis!"

Sirius abruptly dropped his wand and began frantically scratching his arms.

"Enough!" cried Frank. "Accio wands!" He deftly caught Sirius and Snape's wands. "Twenty points from each of your houses, and Sirius, I'll be speaking to you later. Now -- either sit down at your tables, or leave the Hall."

Snape held his hand out. After a beat, Frank returned his wand. Severus cast one more glare at James, and turned away. Sirius took his place at the Gryffindor table.

"Bloody Slytherins," he said. "He had no right -- no fucking right--"

"Enough," said Frank furiously.

"Sorry." Sirius poured himself some pumpkin juice and took a deep breath. "So. Lily. How's things?"

"Fine," Lily snarled, and walked away.

"What's up with her?" she heard Sirius ask, but she didn't stay to hear the answer.

Later that evening, Severus stopped by her table in the library.

"I missed you," he said.

Lily didn't look up from her notes. "Aren't you worried that some other Slytherin will see you?"

"We're the only ones in here."

Lily glanced up, and realised that it was true. The library's opening hours had been extended for the NEWTs and OWLs, and it was quite late. She could see Madam Pince's shadow moving on an upper level, but other than that, there was no one else around.

"I've been trying to catch you for days."

"I know."

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"I really need to study," she said.

"Did you get my letter?" Lily ignored him. "I meant what I said."

"That's lovely. But I really need to study." Lily glared at him. Severus returned her gaze, but for once, it didn't intimidate her.

It made her angry.

Severus blinked and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Fine. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want, Evans." He walked away, his school robes sweeping around him. He paused in the doorway, glancing back at her, but he said nothing.

James' absence had led the Quidditch final to be postponed until after exams, so there was nothing to relieve the building tension amongst the fifth years. Even the Slytherins had settled down: Severus was subdued, Marguerite looked drawn and exhausted, dark shadows marred Narcissa's perfect face.

Rather later than everyone else, even Sirius had begun to worry about the upcoming exams. Peter looked thin, and Remus (sick again) looked positively haggard. Geraldine was talking in her sleep, Mary was suddenly spending long hours reading her textbooks, and Lily became even more jumpy and irritable. She left her hair down, but it became tangled and ink-stained from the hours of pouring over her books.

"Like a bloody mane," she heard Geraldine whisper to Narcissa one day, although there was a hint of envy in her tone.

The only fifth year student who wasn't stressed was James, who was hyperactive, brittle and desperately amusing. His wit was crueler than usual; one evening, he reduced Mary to tears. Lily found her in the girls' toilets several hours later, locked into a stall.

"He doesn't like me at all, does he," she wailed as Lily entered.

"Mary?"

"Geraldine?"

"No. It's Lily."

"Oh." Mary sniffled. "You're his friend. You'd know if he liked me, wouldn't you?"

Lily sighed, staring at the closed door in the mirror. "He hardly ever mentions you."

Mary wailed, and Lily walked away, wondering how she could expend so much emotion on a simple infatuation, while Lily herself felt almost nothing.

A few days later, Lily entered the common room at four in the morning to find James juggling with shimmering balls.

"Morning," he said, throwing a ball at her. It bounced off her shoulder, and he grabbed his wand to Summon it back. "You were meant to catch that."

"I didn't want to," she said. "You're up early."

"No, I just didn't go to bed."

"What were you doing, then?"

"Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." He smiled charmingly. Lily didn't respond. "Whatever," he said. "You're like a broody hippogriff lately. No fun at all." He juggled obsessively, increasing his pace until the balls were nothing more than flashing blurs. "Lily?"

"What."

"What happened while you were at home?"

"Nothing."

"Okay." James caught the three balls in one hand, and Transfigured a nearby book into yet another ball. "Reckon I can do four?" he asked.

"I don't really care. And if you won't sleep, shouldn't you be studying?"

"What for? I'll pass anyway."

"Don't you want to do well?"

"Don't need study for that. I can do better than *you* without studying. Better than Snape, too." James kept his eyes on the juggling balls, and his voice was deliberately casual as he said, "I noticed you watching him yesterday."

Lily froze. "Oh?"

"In Defence Against the Dark Arts. He was sitting a row ahead of you, off to the right."

"You pay that much attention to Snape?"

"I pay that much attention to you." He met Lily's eyes, then glanced away. "You kept watching him. He glanced at you a couple of times, but you always broke eye contact."

"Do I have to account for my actions, James? I can make eye contact with anyone I like. Or not, as the case may be." She deliberately kept her eyes on the wall hangings behind James.

"It just looked..." James shook his head. "It looked like he was worried about you."

"I'm sure he has better things to think about."

James caught his juggling balls, and began un-Transfiguring them back into books and cushions. "Whatever. It's just... I've never seen him take an interest in anything outside of himself or a cauldron, unless it was to throw a curse. It was weird, is all."

Lily glared at him, and said nothing. Very deliberately, she turned on her heel and went back upstairs to her dorm.

***

"Rotate the cauldron *slowly*," said Crowley. "Bear in mind that kinetic potions are highly volatile at this stage. Excessive movement will cause the mixture to spill over."

Lily felt two pairs of eyes on her as she cautiously turned her cauldron. James and Severus: unwillingly united by their utter inability to leave her alone.

She clenched her teeth and forced her hands to relax. The last thing she needed was--

"Oops," said Remus. Lily swung around to assess the damage. Energising Elixir, still in its dangerous, volatile stage, was spreading softly across Remus and Peter's workbench. The acidic liquid was eating away at the desk and everything on it.

Crowley drew her wand. "Glacio," she said, and the potion froze. "Lupin. Are you stupid, or merely inattentive?"

"Just tired, Professor. I haven't been well--"

"If you're too sick to pay attention in important classes," Crowley hissed, "then perhaps you should think twice about attending a demanding school like Hogwarts."

"I--"

"Twenty points from Gryffindor, Lupin. And you, Black, what are you sniggering at? Another twenty points." Crowley pinched the bridge of her nose. "Out of my sight, the pair of you. You're a danger to your classmates."

Remus, who was rarely in trouble, blushed fiercely as he packed his things. Sirius just looked amused.

Lily caught Snape's eye as she turned back to her own potion, which was now beyond the volatile stage. He looked worried, and it took Lily a moment to recognise the strangeness of his expression: his face was completely unguarded. She'd never seen that before.

She glared at him, giving free reign to all the hostility and overwhelming frustration that she'd felt lately.

Severus flinched.

"Evans?"

Crowley had been watching them; now, she regarded Lily. Something in her gaze made Lily feel like a particularly unworthy specimen of toad.

"If you find Snape so fascinating, Evans," the Slytherins sniggered at this, "you may contemplate him elsewhere. This is a classroom, not a mating habitat." Rosier and Wilkes were howling, while Geraldine, Mary and Narcissa tittered. Marguerite turned to Snape, her lips curved into a half-smile.

"If it's a classroom, Professor," Lily heard herself saying, "then why are you so eager to throw your students out?"

The class hushed, turning to see how Crowley would react to the unprecedented insolence.

Her hands clenched, and she turned very pale.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Evans." Lily opened her mouth to protest. "Or should I make it one hundred?" Lily closed her mouth and shook her head. "And detention. With me, tonight. Potter, do you have something to say?"

"No, Professor," said James quickly.

"Good. Keep it that way."

Lily turned back to her cauldron, feeling a small prick of shame in the bottom of her chest.

***

Lily was silent and sulky through dinner, ignoring James' attempts to draw her out. As soon as the pudding bowls disappeared, Crowley stood up, catching Lily's eye. Lily followed her out of the Great Hall, and they made their way down to the dungeons in without speaking.

Crowley pointed to a vat of ... something. Lily wrinkled her nose as she approached.

"My shipment of Atlantean Voles was delayed in transit," Crowley said. "I want you to sort the rotten voles from the good. When you've done that, you will skin the good ones and pickle their organs. Use the Bolivian preservation charm, not the French."

"Yes, Professor," Lily sighed.

Crowley smirked. "Perhaps next time, you'll think twice before indulging the Gryffindor penchant for rudeness." She turned on her heel and went into her office, leaving the door open so that she could supervise Lily.

Lily glared at Crowley's office for a second, and then turned to confront the vat of voles. She donned her dragonhide gloves, which she charmed with Impervius for good measure. After a moment's thought, she used the Four Senses Charm to dull her sense of smell.

Over a third of the voles were rotten, leaving a good two hundred to be processed. By nine-thirty, Lily was about half way through the pickling. She'd forgotten her anger in the rhythm of extraction and charming. All she felt now was numbness and exhaustion.

It was a good feeling.

She started as Crowley touched her on the shoulder.

"That will do," the professor said. She surveyed the mass of bottles on the desk, and the depleted vat. "Good work, Evans."

"Any time," Lily mumbled. She sank down into a chair and pulled her gloves off, stretching her fingers.

"Hopefully not. That was a rather uncharacteristic outburst today, Evans."

"I was having a bad day."

"Only a day?"

"Okay, maybe a month." Lily considered the Professor. "You don't even like me. Why do you care?"

Crowley raised her eyebrows. "I confess, *your* marks have actually gone up since you entered this little snit, and Potter is so busy mooning over you that he forgets to act the fool. But Snape's marks have dropped, and as for today -- well, it was my understanding that the pair of you were attempting to be discreet."

"We were."

"And?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. *You* weren't exactly keeping it to yourself."

"I know from long, bitter experience, Evans, that no one pays a shred of attention to anything I say in this classroom."

"Right."

Crowley snorted, exasperated. "Look, I'm not here to play nursemaid to a pair of lovesick idiots. But I won't have you two throwing away your potential over some lovers' tiff."

"We haven't been fighting."

"Then perhaps you should."

"Excuse me?"

Crowley stared at Lily, her eyes intense in the shadows of the dungeon. "I realise that 'retreat' probably isn't in the standard Gryffindor vocabulary, but there's a certain amount of wisdom in knowing when to walk away from something." Her eyes narrowed. "Frankly, Evans, I'm surprised you've stuck it out for this long."

Lily scowled. "That's unfair."

"Is it. Tell me, aside from a gift for Potions -- and trust me when I say that Snape's skills are far more advanced than yours -- what do you and Snape have in common?"

"I--" Lily paused.

"As I thought." Crowley waved her wand and Banished the vat and jars to a corner. "That will be all, Evans."

Lily left, narrowly resisting the urge to slam the door behind her.

In the Great Hall, there were still groups of students lingering at the tables, sharing a few minutes with friends from other houses. James was sitting on the Gryffindor table, while Sirius flirted with some adoring fourth years. Remus was over at the Ravenclaw table, trading books with a good-looking blond girl. Peter was demonstrating magic-free string games to a clutch of first years. Lily wanted to disappear upstairs, but James saw her and waved her over.

"How was detention?" he asked.

"Slimy and damp."

"Sounds fun."

"Yeah."

James was about to say something, but he was distracted by a passing third year.

"Hey, Barty," he said. The boy turned, evidently surprised at being addressed by one of the school's heroes. "I saw your dad while I was in London," said James conversationally.

"Really? How is he?" Barty looked eager. "Does he have a message for me?"

James shrugged. "I'm hardly an errand boy. Anyway, he didn't mention you."

"Then why'd you--"

"Well, I saw him. And since he's not exactly the most demonstrative, affectionate of men, I figured that you probably don't get so many letters from him, and you'd like to know he was still alive."

Barty scowled. "Gee, thanks." He slouched off, looking upset and sulky.

"That was mean," said Lily.

"Was it? Well, a bit, I guess. But his dad -- God, I spent *days* following Crouch around, trying to get a few straight answers about my family. Even the College of Aurors were more forthcoming. The man's like ice. I'm telling you, I wouldn't want to be his son."

"That doesn't excuse it."

"Like you've been Miss Sweetness and Sunshine lately," said James without rancor. "We're a lot alike, you know."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. At the end of the day, we don't care what other people think. Or how many social rules we break."

Lily stared at him in disbelief. "Me? Like you?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Well for one thing, I don't go around picking on other students, no matter how much their parents have pissed me off. And I know you've had a hard time lately, but you've been absolutely insufferable since you got back to school, and no one except Snape has had the guts to tell you to shove it. And I am *sick* of people who think that they're the only real creatures in the entire universe, and I'm sick of boys who use their extraordinary self-absorption to justify their utter obnoxiousness! Who the *hell* made you special anyway? You're not the first student to lose family to Voldemort. You're usually a nice guy, but by God, your complete inability to deal with it is making you *very* hard to like." Lily paused for breath. James stared at her in disbelief.

"I think," he said, looking around at the curious students who were watching them, "that I'd prefer to discuss this somewhere else."

"Good idea."

Silently, they left the Hall. Lily could feel everyone watching them, and she was conscious of the echo of her footsteps on the floor. The Entrance Hall was completely deserted. James looked as though he wanted to walk further, but Lily stopped.

"I'm really sorry to be the one to say this," she said, "but you're certainly not going to listen to Snape. Which is rather funny, actually, because you two have an *awful* lot in common lately, and if you take up sarcasm for a hobby, then we might as well forget about drawing a distinction at all. You've been an utter prat lately, and we're all sick of it."

"I--" James opened his mouth, then closed it again, looking a little lost. He sat down heavily on the base of a small statue of Helga Hufflepuff, looking very pale.

"Have I been *very* bad, then?" he asked.

"Very."

"Oh."

Lily sat beside him, feeling rather empty herself.

"I need to apologise to Barty," he said. "And Mary."

"That would be a good idea."

"I just--" He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "I've been feeling like I could explode if I didn't do something, or say something."

"I know that feeling."

"My family's dead, and no one would tell me anything. I had to fight the solicitors just to get control of the estates now, instead of waiting until I'm of age. And I wanted to talk to Crouch, to find out what Magical Law Enforcement is doing about the attack on my family, but he wouldn't give me any answers. The College of Aurors was better, but only because I asked my Uncle Al instead of going through proper channels. I spent ages waiting for people in dull little rooms, but then I was watching the funeral pyre, and it seemed like no time had passed at all."

"Have you--" Lily searched for words. "Mourned?"

James shrugged. "How do I do that?"

"I don't know. My mother spent days in her room, but I don't know what she was thinking about. She wouldn't tell me."

"Maybe it was none of your business."

"Maybe. But ... my grandmother died, and I don't think I did anything properly. I think that Mum felt the same way."

"That's ... not very helpful."

"I know. But then, I don't know many people who died. Not people I loved, except for the Reynolds twins. Not that Katherine's dead, but she may as well be ... but, you know, I feel like I mourned for them at the beginning of the year. When I found out what had happened ... well, it was just something I needed to know. It wasn't really a shock. They were already gone."

"It's different for me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I just wish I could be alone. I think that if people would leave me alone for a few weeks, then I'd be fine."

"I know how that feels."

"Lily?" James looked at her, and there were tears in his eyes. He wiped at them impatiently, looking embarrassed. Lily handed him her handkerchief. "Thank you."

"It's all right." She smiled weakly. "I mean, after yelling at you in front of everyone, I think that the least I could do is give you some good advice. Although I'm not sure what it was."

"Me, neither. But -- I think I feel like I could be better."

Lily stood up and, taking his hand, kissed him on the cheek. "I'm glad." She tried to pull her hand away, but James didn't let go. Instead, he pulled her closer and hugged her tighter. Lily hugged him back, then stepped away.

"I need to get to the library," she began to say, but she was interrupted by a familiar sneer.

"Gryffindors," said Severus behind her. "They're so bloody sweet and affectionate. It turns my stomach."

Lily turned. Severus was standing near the doors to the Great Hall, watching her through narrowed eyes. He and Lestrange were flanking Marguerite. Barty Crouch stood on Lestrange's other side, glaring at James.

"It's nice to see that you have other things to do with your time than abuse younger students," said Marguerite to James.

"Yeah, I, um." James took a deep breath and looked Barty in the face. "I'm really sorry about what I said earlier. I was ... I'm really sorry."

Barty shrugged. "It's okay." But he refused to meet James' eye.

"So tell me, Potter," said Lestrange, "are you planning to continue your father's tradition of Muggle-loving?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

Lestrange's eyes flicked over Lily. "I admit that a Mudblood's not *quite* the same thing. But it's something of a pattern in your family, isn't it? Marrying pureblooded witches, and keeping the lower orders for -- play." He sneered at Lily. "He'll never have children with you, you know. The Potters like playing with Muggles, but they'll never pollute the bloodline. Wouldn't want to risk a Squib."

"How dare you--"

Lily was interrupted by Severus.

"I doubt she'll stick with Potter for too long, Tobias," he said. Although he was addressing Lestrange, he never took his eyes off Lily. "Next will come Black, and Lupin, and Pettigrew, and then she'll move on even further."

Furious, Lily took a step forward, drawing her wand.

"Miss Evans!" She swung around. Professor Flitwick was descending the staircase from the Ravenclaw wing. Lily put her wand down.

"Professor."

"You weren't thinking of attacking Mr Snape, were you, Miss Evans?"

"No." She glared at Severus. "No, I wasn't."

"I'm very glad to hear it." He looked around the Entrance Hall. "Perhaps you students should all be on your way -- ah, Barty! A moment, please." Flitwick escorted his student towards the Great Hall, his hands waving as he discussed a particularly interesting charm with Crouch. Reluctantly, the Slytherins and Gryffindors dispersed.

"Coming back to the common room?" asked James as they watched the Slytherins leave.

"No. I do need to get to the library."

"Okay. Can I see you later?"

"Um..."

"Or not." He smiled. "I'll be around if you need me." James touched her hand. "Thanks. For everything."

In the library, Madam Pince was preparing to leave. "Longbottom will close the library in an hour," she told Lily. She looked unhappy to be leaving the library in the care of a student -- even the Head Boy -- but there were dark shadows under her eyes. It looked as though exam pressures were getting to the staff as well.

Lily found a secluded desk and settled down with a copy of Graeco-Roman Schools of Magic. She was unsurprised when, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a lean figure enter the library, look around, and make his way to her side.

"Severus," she greeted him coolly.

He Summoned a chair and straddled it, leaning his chin on his folded arms. "Can we talk?"

Lily didn't look up from her book. "What is there to talk about?"

"Potter."

"Have you ever considered that this obsession is unhealthy?"

"Do you like him?"

"He's one of my best friends."

"More than me?"

"Well, he's never called me a whore in public, so right now, yes."

"I didn't call you a whore."

"You implied it. Among other things." Lily closed her book with a snap. "What was Lestrange saying about James' dad, anyway?"

Severus shrugged. "Old gossip. It's fairly common knowledge -- although obviously not among his children -- that he had Muggle mistresses all over England and Europe."

"And you thought you'd rub it in?"

"Lestrange said it, not me."

"Yeah, but when James came back to school, you said you knew stuff about his family. So I'm thinking that Lestrange had to hear it from *someone*, and you were right there smirking while he said it, so..."

"It's common gossip," Snape muttered, but he didn't meet her eyes.

"And you thought, hell, I've got nothing better to do today, why don't I kick him while he's down?"

"Because Potter's such a nice guy? Don't be naïve, Lily. You saw him with Crouch."

"That's not the point."

"I had to do something. Marguerite and the others had a lot to say about Crowley's crack in Potions today."

"So that makes it all right?"

"It's a Slytherin thing." Lily snorted. "What?"

"It's *always* a Slytherin thing, Severus. Don't try and tell me you don't love it. I saw your face this evening. You *adore* being a nasty, obnoxious prat. You must thank God every day that you were sorted into Slytherin, because that gives you the right to be as cruel as you like, and you can tell yourself that it's okay, because life is *hard* in Slytherin House..."

Snape sneered. "You have a pretty impressive gift for self-delusion yourself, Evans. Do you really think you're any better than me?"

"You sound like Crowley."

"How long have we been together? Five months? And you've told *no one*. Not even James Potter, your best friend." He leaned in close and whispered, "you could be a Slytherin yourself."

"Don't say that."

"Why? Because it's an insult?"

"Because I'm a Gryffindor, and I'm proud of that."

He smiled, incredulous. "That's sweet, Evans. Gets me right here." He put his hand over his heart.

"You're so cruel."

"Is that because I'm a Slytherin, and therefore scum, or because I saw someone I -- someone I like hugging a person I loathe?" He pushed his hair out of his face. "I don't like many people, Lily. You're -- you're *different* -- and compelling, and I hate the thought of losing you. And I saw you with *him*, and I could just see it: the perfect couple, the perfect marriage, the perfect Gryffindor children."

"I can't believe you think I'd just trade you in for James." She took his hand and gripped it tightly. "He's my friend, and that's a lot more complicated than I'd thought, but still -- I don't -- love him." Lily took a deep breath, and poured all her uncertainties and fears, and small, desperate hopes, into three words. "I love you."

Severus stared at her.

"Say something," she urged. "I can't stand it. Say something!"

"Love ... is just a word people use to justify the pain they cause each other."

"I -- I -- that's not true. It can't possibly be true." Lily couldn't breathe, and there were tears spilling down her hot cheeks. "Except maybe it is, because I hurt so much..." Lily stared at their tightly entwined hands. "I think I'd die for you, and that scares me, and we keep hurting each other ... do you love me."

"I don't know. I'm not sure what that would feel like."

"You certainly know how to hurt me. Do you hate me?"

"No. I know what hate is like." He took a deep breath and kissed her. It was possibly the sweetest, most tender kiss they'd ever shared, lips touching noses and eyelashes and damp, salty cheeks. When they slowly separated, Lily looked at him.

"What do you feel for me?" she asked.

"I don't know. Affection. Anger. Lust. Fear."

"Fear?"

"I fear for you. And I fear you. You feel too much. I'm -- not very brave. I can't deal with that."

"Then tell me you don't love me."

"I never said I did."

Their fingers were so tightly linked that their knuckles were white. Lily wondered whether she'd have bruises later.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," she said. "I'm angry with you, and I love you desperately, and I can see that you'll never give anything back--"

"That's not true--"

"Don't interrupt me. I'm tired, Severus, and I have too much to think about. I can't go on keeping secrets, and I don't want to play this game where the staff know what happens between us, and I just can't go on being pathetic and lovesick and frustrated. I think we have to end it."

"Please," he said. "You're the only good thing that's ever happened to me."

A part of Lily, a nagging Petunia-voice, noticed the cliché and exaggeration in his words. Another part of her was appalled that she could do this.

But she said, "I'm sorry. But that's not my problem."

Severus was lost for words.

"You should go now," Lily told him.

"Is this why you've been avoiding me?" he asked. "Because you didn't want to tell me?"

"No. I was avoiding it because I didn't want to know myself." Lily looked down, sniffling, and remembered too late that she'd given her handkerchief to James. A clean one appeared in front of her. "Thank you.," she whispered, but Severus was already leaving.

Lily re-opened her book and tried to read, but the words kept blurring. In the end, she closed it, and stared blankly ahead, unable to see or breathe. Her throat was tight, and her face felt swollen, and there was a knot in her stomach.

"Lily?"

Lost in desperate, circular thoughts, she hadn't noticed Frank and Nancy until they were standing beside her. Nancy took her hand.

"Lily, what's wrong?"

"I--" Lily drew breath, but instead of speaking, she could only bury her head in Nancy's plump shoulder and sob.

Frank took Severus' abandoned seat, and patted her on the shoulder. "Has someone hurt you?"

"Yes. No. I did it. I told him -- I said--" Lily shook her head and began to cry again.

"Oh, Lily," sighed Nancy. "Poor little girl." She wrapped her arms around Lily and held her, while Frank rubbed her shoulders and whispered comforting nothings until Lily could cry no more.

to be continued: because this isn't the end. Not by a long shot.