There'll Be Bluebirds

Teddy leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, glaring at the portraits of his parents. 'You seem to come here quite a bit,' Williams commented. Teddy spent a good portion of his free period in this particular corridor.

'So?'

'Does your grandmother talk about your parents at all?'

'All the time.' Teddy shifted. 'My godfather, too.' He glanced pointedly at the portrait of Remus. 'I wish they'd shut up about him.'

'Who?' Williams followed Teddy's glare to the lined visage of the man. 'Your father?' He studied Remus' portrait in bemusement. 'I was under the impression your father was something of a hero in the war.'

'He's not my father,' Teddy spat. 'He was my bloody sperm donor.'

'Teddy...' Williams began, but Teddy had already left the corridor.

xxxxxx

Remus paced the flat, prowling from room to room, hands clasped behind his back. 'You're making me dizzy,' Dora complained, albeit lightly.

'Sorry,' he muttered. He didn't sound too apologetic.

'You're worried about Harry, aren't you?'

'Yes.' Remus knew Dumbledore had set Harry, Ron, and Hermione on a task. Arthur had told him as much, at Harry's birthday under the cover of showing him some new Muggle device in his collection.

'You know where they are, don't you?' Remus nodded, and opened his mouth. Dora hastily held up her hand. 'No, don't tell me. The less other people know, the better.' She pulled her feet up to the sofa and wrapped her arms around her knees. 'Are you going to tell Arthur?'

Remus parted the curtain with the tip of his wand. The Death Eater was still out there, watching the building. 'I don't know,' he admitted. 'It might be best if he didn't know, either.' Arthur had sent word to the three alerting them the family was safe. For the moment.

Remus didn't know for certain where Harry, Ron, and Hermione were, but he had his suspicions. He knew Hermione and how her clever, clever brain would work. She would have gone to the one place people would never have expected them to go: Grimmauld Place. Besides, it was eminently logical. It was still under the Fidelius charm. Flitwick confirmed that before they went to fetch Harry from Privet Drive. Oh, God, was that just a week ago? It was Unplottable. Had Muggle-Repelling Charms. The additional protections Mad-Eye had put on it after Dumbledore's death. He was worried Arthur might tell Molly, who might very well demand they come straight back to the Burrow. If pressed, Remus might admit he had an ulterior motive for not voicing his hypothesis. He threw a glance over his shoulder at Dora. She had her head resting against the back of the sofa with her eyes closed. She looked unwell. 'Can I get you anything?'

'I'm all right,' she murmured.

Remus gingerly sat on the edge of the sofa. 'Dora... Are you ever... late?' he asked haltingly.

Her eyes cracked open. 'What do you mean?'

'Your... Erm. You know...'

Dora's head came all the way off the sofa. 'No. I don't know.' She gazed at him in bemusement.

'Your time of the month,' Remus sighed in exasperation. 'As opposed to mine,' he quipped.

The line between her brows deepened for a moment. 'I suppose... But lots of things can affect it. Stress... Why do you want to know?'

Caught off-guard, Remus groped for a reason that wouldn't immediately put her on the path to the real one. 'Just wondering,' he muttered, flushing in embarrassment. 'The inner workings of female biology are not concepts with which I'm familiar. Yours doesn't seem to be captive to the full moon or anything, and I haven't noticed anything since I've lived here...' Good save.

'It's not exactly incapacitating,' she replied wryly. 'Inconvenient, sure.' She frowned. 'And come to think of it, I am late...' She waved a hand in the air, brushing aside the concerns. 'It's probably nothing to get worried about. Maybe a side effect from one of those potions I had to take in June or the curse...'

'Or stress?'

'Or stress,' Dora confirmed, yawning behind a hand. 'I'm going to go have a kip. Tired... Don't know why. Just woke up a few hours ago.' She shuffled into the bedroom, and Remus heard the rustle of the bedding as she climbed back into their bed.

He waited for several tense minutes, waiting to see if she would actually fall asleep. Stealthily, he stole into the bedroom, keeping a watchful eye on Dora, and carefully drew out his battered briefcase from the back of the wardrobe. He quickly, but quietly placed a few changes of clothes into it and took the thickest traveling cloak he had from a hook inside the door. He picked up his journal from the night table on his side of the bed and stood staring at her while she slept, her arms hugging a pillow. Remus reached out to brush the hair from her eyes, but checked the impulse. It was best if he left without waking her. Or touching her. If he allowed himself to touch her, he might lose his nerve. He stole from the bedroom and quietly pulled out the chair at her small desk, retrieving a quill and a piece of parchment. He wanted to at least leave a note. Seconds counted on clock, spooling out into minutes, and the quill remained free of ink and the parchment blank. The quill fell from his nerveless fingers and he lightly caressed his wedding ring, intending to take it off and leave it on the desk. He managed to slide it off his ring finger and held it between his thumb and index finger. He willed himself to drop it on top of the blank parchment, but his hand stubbornly refused to comply and seemingly of their own accord slipped it back onto his left ring finger, where it settled into the groove already forming in his flesh after a mere ten days. Remus' shoulders slumped and he stood, grabbing the handle of his bag. He took a deep breath and carefully turned the doorknob, walking out of Dora's flat, telling himself he wasn't leaving permanently. He was just going to track down Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Instead of walking out the front door of the building, Remus continued down to the basement. There was an old coal chute that led to an alley behind the building. Hopefully, the Death Eaters hadn't figured that one out yet and he could leave undetected by the one watching the building. 'Stregone revelio,' he murmured, pointing his wand at the coal chute. It glowed blue, then flared and faded. No wizards. He cast a Disillusionment charm on himself and his briefcase and clambered up the chute, grimacing at the handprints he left in the dust. Standing in the alley, next to a smelly, overflowing rubbish bin, he Apparated to Privet Drive, hoping against hope that's where Harry, Ron, and Hermione had gone. A Death Eater lounged against a lamppost and Remus cursed under his breath. Fortunately, someone from the Order had charmed the house. There seemed to be wards and protections on the house itself, or else it might have been torn apart.

Still under the Disillusionment charm, he used his wand to open the back garden gate and slipped through the gap, holding his breath. The charms must have been set to allow members of the Order through, and he felt the tingle of them over his skin as he passed under them. Then, he turned, using his wand to close it with a loud bang that could be explained by a gust of wind. He opened the back door of the house and sidled into the still-antiseptically clean kitchen. He hoped there was still some tinned food left. But first things first. He prowled the house, searching each room for evidence someone - anyone - had resided there in the last few days. Turning up nothing, Remus went into what had evidently been Harry's bedroom. Aside from the stack of magical textbooks on the desk and old copies of the Daily Prophet stuffed into the rubbish bin, there was little to mark that Harry had slept in this room at all. In spite of the stuffy, stifling air in the house, Remus didn't open a window. He stretched out on the mussed bed and to his great surprise, fell asleep.

He awoke several hours later, groggy and disoriented, stomach rumbling. Remus rolled off the bed, almost falling to the floor. He caught himself and shook, rather like a dog, trying to expel the cobwebs in his brain. Going from his earlier search, he found the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, then carelessly swabbed it dry with one of the fancy, lace-edged towels hanging on a small stand near the sink. Its pristine condition told him it was one of those silly towels people put out for guests with the implication they weren't to be used anyway. Remus trudged down the stairs and went into the kitchen. A quick glance through the cupboards proved they weren't entirely empty. Tinned food to last through a natural disaster. Sardines, kippers, tuna chunks. The wealth of tinned fruit told Remus it wasn't a preferred snack of the residents of number four Privet Drive. He wasn't overly fond of corned beef, but he wasn't going to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. Baked beans. Spaghetti. The only saving grace was the dusty packets of chocolate biscuits hidden behind the tinned grapefruit segments. His dinner, then, consisted of mandarin segments, baked beans, and corned beef. He took a packet of biscuits back upstairs with him and flopped back onto Harry's narrow bed. He hoped he would be able to find Harry, Ron, and Hermione. And perhaps convince them to let him join him. It wasn't running away, was it? He was merely offering his services as a more experienced and fully trained wizard. They needed him. He was sure of it.

xxxxxx

3 August 1997

I left.

If circumstances were different, would I have stayed? If there was no Voldemort and no war, would I have stayed? If she was not pregnant? If I was not a werewolf?

If. If, if, if... I might as well debate how many angels can fit on the head of a needle for all the good it will do me.

Either way, it is safer for her to not know where I am. If she's captured, she can honestly say I've left and didn't tell her where I've gone. I love her too much to stay. To see what might happen as the pregnancy progresses and the baby is as vulnerable to the drag of the full moon as I.

As usual, it all sounds like nothing more than a stock of trite excuses I return to each and every time God or fate decides I might be in store for something resembling happiness.

xxxxxx

Remus walked down the pavement, his hands stuffed into his pockets, head bent, so as not to draw attention to himself. He stopped short when he saw the gathered Death Eaters glaring at where number twelve ought to be. He ducked behind a dilapidated moving van and Apparated, landing precisely on the top step of the front stoop. The door swung open and Remus edged inside, blinking in the darkness of the front entry. Something rushed at him and Remus was able to make out a likeness of Albus Dumbledore. 'Severus Snape?' it asked in Mad-Eye's hoarse voice.

'It was not I who killed you, Albus,' Remus told it, softly. The jinx, satisfied he wasn't Severus, exploded in a shower of dust.

'Don't move!' Harry's voice rang in dank house, wand pointing at Remus' forehead.

Remus chuckled a little, raising his hands into the air. 'Hold your fire, it's me, Remus.

'Oh, thank goodness,' Hermione sighed with palpable relief before attending to the portrait of Mrs. Black Harry had awakened with his shout. Remus was certain she would welcome his presence.

Harry's wand didn't waver from its position. 'Show yourself!' he barked.

Remus obliged, a small smile playing on his mouth, hands still up. 'I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora, usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag.'

Harry bit his lip. 'Oh, all right,' he said. 'But I had to check, didn't I?'

'Speaking as your ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, you shouldn't be quite so quick to lower your defenses,' he admonished. 'No sign of Severus, then?'

'No.' Harry glanced at Ron and Hermione. 'What's going on? Is everyone okay?' he asked, tension thickening his voice.

'Yes, but we're all being watched. There are a couple of Death Eaters in the square outside.'

'We know,' Harry started, but Remus kept going.

'I had to Apparate very precisely onto the top step outside the front door to be sure that they would not see me. They can't know you're in here or I'm sure they'd have more people out there; they're staking out everywhere that's got a connection with you, and I want what happened after you left the Burrow.' Remus led them down into the kitchen and distributed butterbeers while they told him what had transpired the previous few days and he explained what was occurring in the Wizarding world. A lull appeared in the conversation and Remus jumped at his chance. 'I'll understand if you can't confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you with a mission.'

'He did. And Ron and Hermione are in on it and they're coming with me,' Harry replied calmly.

'Can you confide in me what the mission is?' Remus tried to hide the desperation in his voice. Harry gazed at him for a long time before he responded.

'I can't, Remus, I'm sorry. If Dumbledore didn't tell you I don't think I can,' he said quietly, steady in his convictions. Remus was proud of him for that, but he pressed on.

'I thought you'd say that. But I might still be of some use to you. You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to,' he assured them. It was Hermione's voice that broke the moment of stillness.

'But what about Tonks?' she asked, a frown forming a line between her brows.

'What about her?' Remus inquired, almost coldly.

'Well, you're married!' Hermione explained with an air of exaggerated patience. 'How does she feel about you going away with us?'

'Tonks will be perfectly safe. She'll be at her parents' house.' Icicles dripped from his voice. At least he hoped she'd go to her parents' house, once she realized she was pregnant.

Hermione, a far more astute observer of human nature than either Ron or Harry picked up on it immediately. 'Remus... Is everything all right... you know... between you and -' she asked haltingly.

'Everything is fine, thank you,' Remus said shortly, hoping to turn the conversation back to their task. He picked at the label of his butterbeer bottle, feeling bile rise in the back of his throat. 'Tonks is going to have a baby,' he choked.

'Oh, how wonderful!' Hermione gushed, the pitch of her voice nearly making Remus wince.

'Excellent!' Ron said heartily.

Harry's reaction was far more subdued, as if he understood implicitly the difficulties the pregnancy presented. 'Congratulations.'

Remus tried to smile, but he was just baring his teeth. 'So... so do you accept my offer? Will three become four?' The desperation would no longer be held at bay. 'I can't believe that Dumbledore would have disapproved, he appointed me your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, after all.' Remus tried to play on the fact they were, in fact, undertrained. 'And I must tell you that I believe that we are facing magic many of us have never encountered or imagined.'

Harry seemed to be the de facto leader of the Trio in this. Ron and Hermione looked at him, allowing him to answer for all three of them. 'Just - just to be clear,' Harry began. 'You want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come away with us?' he asked with the air of someone attempting to understand a particularly recalcitrant spell.

'She'll be perfectly safe there, they'll look after her,' Remus said, trying to keep his distance, and not admit he wanted to come with them, because it was far less terrifying than being with her. 'Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you.' If using their lack of experience didn't work, perhaps using James and Lily's desire to keep Harry safe would.

Harry leaned back in his chair, gazing at Remus with something bordering on insolence. 'Well. I'm not. I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually.'

Remus felt himself blanch. Ron averted his gaze from Remus and Harry, examining the dishes in the dresser. Hermione's eyes darted between the two of them. 'You don't understand,' Remus said with stiff lips.

'Explain, then,' Harry retorted in his best imitation of Minerva.

Remus felt his hands begin to shake. 'I - I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks,' he admitted. 'I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since.'

Harry nodded slowly. 'I see. So you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?' he sneered.

Waves of white-hot rage flowed over Remus and he gave into it. 'Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child?' he seethed. 'I should never have married her, I've made her an outcast!' he shouted, aiming a hard kick at the chair, satisfied to hear it splinter. 'You have only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts! You don't know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don't you see what I've done?' he yelled. 'Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, what parents want their only daughter to marry a werewolf? And the child - the child -' Remus ran his hands through his hair, needing to do something with his hands before he struck Harry. 'My kind don't usually breed!' he roared, giving voice to the fears that had hounded him for days. 'It will be like me, I am convinced of it - how can I forgive myself when I knowingly risked passing on my condition to an innocent child?' he howled. 'And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!'

'Remus!' Hermione rasped through tears. 'Don't say that - how could any child be ashamed of you?' she beseeched.

'Oh, I don't know, Hermione,' Harry drawled caustically. 'I'd be pretty ashamed of him.'

Remus felt like he'd been punched in the solar plexus. He struggled to draw breath.

Harry continued. 'If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid and go on an adventure with us?' he added savagely.

Remus had never been so furious in all his life. 'How - how dare you?' he whispered so harshly, it might have been a scream. 'This is not about a desire for - for danger or personal glory - how dare you suggest such a -' Anger made his speech come out in a staccato rumble. He itched to clout Harry.

'I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil,' Harry responded icily. 'You fancy stepping into Sirius' shoes,' he taunted.

'Harry, no!' Hermione implored, gripping his elbow, but Harry shook her off impatiently.

'I'd never have believed this,' Harry said scornfully. 'The man who taught me to fight dementors - a coward.'

That was the last straw as far as Remus was concerned. Other people were not going to call him a coward. He was doing what was best for Dora and the baby. Before he could ponder his actions, he snatched his wand from the pocket of his cloak and flicked it at Harry, a jinx lashing out at him, catching the boy square in the chest. Remus didn't stay to find out if Harry was okay. He did the one thing he'd been doing well when it came to human emotions for over thirty years.

He ran.

xxxxxx

4 August 1997

I keep telling myself it is the best way to keep her - and their child - safe. If I keep repeating it, then it must be true. In reality, Harry's right. I am a coward. I am afraid of what I am, when for my entire life I have tried to tell myself I was in control of the wolf, but I am not. It lives with me, chafing against the restrictions I put on it, so I can try to live my life. I am afraid of myself.

I have never felt less like a Gryffindor in my life. What kind of man would leave his wife in such circumstances?

But then again, I am not a man, am I?

xxxxxx

Harry grabbed Teddy as he alit from the train. 'We're Apparating,' he informed his godson, before Teddy could argue. 'You're staying with Gin and me for the weekend,' he added, gripping Teddy's bicep.

'Whatever.'

Stifling a sigh, Harry turned and Apparated to the back garden of his house. 'Bung your things in the kitchen, and you and I are going to go for a walk.'

'Why?'

'Just do it,' Harry ordered, with the steely tone he reserved for Aurors who bungled an investigation.

Teddy stomped to the back door and threw his bag inside. 'There.'

Harry put a hand between Teddy's shoulder blades and gently pushed him toward the woods behind the house. He came to a clearing and pulled out his wand, casting several charms to silence any noise Teddy might make and to detour any Muggles who might investigate the sounds. 'Scream,' he said. 'Nobody will hear you.' One thing Harry recognized was anger that wasn't mere teenage angst.

Teddy gaped at him in disbelief, then began to scream at the top of his lungs. For good measure, he kicked several tree trunks while he screamed until his throat was raw and his voice hoarse. Exhausted, he collapsed on a fallen tree trunk next to Harry, who hadn't said a word the entire time. Teddy felt the cold wind bite as his cheeks, and he realized he'd been crying. Harry's arm wound around his shaking shoulders. 'Let's go back to the house for something warm to drink, eh? I think Molly's sent some biscuits over, too.'

Teddy staggered back to the house and allowed Harry to steer him into a chair at the kitchen table. Presently, Harry set a steaming cup of hot chocolate in front of Teddy. Harry sat across from him with a cup of his own, and patiently sipped his hot chocolate, waiting for Teddy to talk. Teddy wrapped his hands around the cup, and stared into it. 'Drink it. It'll help.' Harry motioned toward the cup. A wistful smile flitted across Harry's face. 'That was almost the first thing your dad said to me. I met him on the train to school my third year.'

Teddy rubbed the sleeve of his jumper under his nose, and mulishly eyed the hot chocolate. He brought the cup under his nose and inhaled the aroma, closing his eyes with pleasure. He took a tentative sip and a blissful smile spread over his face. Something in the back of his mind fell into place. Chocolate was something he had always gravitated toward. He supposed he came by it honestly. Remus talked about chocolate with a reverence he only showed to one other thing.

Dora.

Mum.

Horrified, Teddy felt fat tears roll down his cheeks. Harry still said nothing, but conjured a handkerchief and silently passed it to Teddy. Teddy swiped the handkerchief over his face and sniffed a few times. 'I hate that they're gone,' he croaked. 'And sometimes, I hate that it's you sitting here and not my dad.' Teddy gazed out the window, eyes fixed on a snowman next to the tool shed. He took a few sips of his hot chocolate, not daring to look at Harry. 'Is it wrong of me to feel like you and Ginny are my mum and dad?' Teddy said helplessly.

Teddy waited for what seemed like an eternity before he heard Harry's shaky, 'No.' Teddy turned his head to look at Harry. Harry was staring into his cup, tracing the rim with a fingertip. 'You're still their son, Ted, but Ginny and I couldn't love you more than if we'd given birth to you.' Harry swallowed heavily a few times. 'I saw him. After he died.' Harry's mouth snapped shut.

'Who?' Teddy's forehead creased in a perplexed frown. 'Dad? How?' he asked hungrily.

'It was a sort of Priori Incantatum.' Harry sighed. 'He was sorry. That he wouldn't be able to watch you grow up. That he hoped one day you would be able to understand why he fought and why he died. He did love you, so much. And having you made him happier than I'd ever seen him.' Harry closed his eyes, against the sting of tears. It still hurt even more than fifteen years later.

Breathing deeply, Harry opened his eyes, and looked at his godson. 'It's all right to be angry. But don't be angry at them. Be angry at the ideas that made that war happen. And make damn sure you don't forget it, so it won't happen again.'

'Were you ever angry at your parents?'

Harry leaned back, staring at the ceiling. 'No. It was different for me, though. I didn't know anything about them until I was eleven. But I never got angry at the fact they'd died until I was your age. When Sirius died. I almost destroyed Dumbledore's office that morning.' He took a meditative sip of his drink. 'And afterward, it just felt numb.' Harry reached across the table and knowing Teddy was almost too old for this, but needing to do it anyway, he ran his hand over Teddy's hair. 'Remus made a lot of mistakes. But I promise you, you were not one of them. No matter what he might have believed in the beginning. He was scared, like we all were. And he didn't know if he had passed his lycanthropy on to you. But most of all, he was afraid you'd be ashamed of him.' He gave Teddy a final pat, then started making dinner, leaving Teddy to ponder the last hour.

xxxxxx

A/N: some dialogue comes from -Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Scholastic paperback edition, pages 203-214.