There'll Be Bluebirds

little_bird

Story Summary:
Teddy Lupin finds his father's journals. Order of the Phoenix, Half Blood Prince, and Deathly Hallows from the perspective of Remus Lupin.

Chapter 08 - 6 November & 9 November 1995

Posted:
06/11/2009
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Teddy set his Charms textbook down with a sigh. He had let his summer homework slide and now had to do it all in the next few weeks. It wasn't so much that he minded doing the homework during the summer - he really didn't - but he'd been feeling his parents' absence keenly the past few months, and had descended into a fit of ennui. A snuffling sound from the doorway of his attic bedroom made him look up from the essay he was writing for Flitwick. Lily stood there, framed in the dim light that drifted from the corridor below. 'Hiya, Pumpkin,' Teddy said softly. Lily padded into the room, her bare feet moving soundlessly over the rug, dragging her bunny behind her by one of its ears. 'Hey now... I don't think Cadbury likes to be held by his ear.'

Lily clambered onto the bed and held up Cadbury, examining his ear. 'It's okay!' she whispered loudly.

Teddy took the bunny and held its face next to his ear. Shaking his head, he replied solemnly, 'Cadbury says it hurts.'

Lily's small face scrunched and she took Cadbury back from Teddy, staring at the bunny dubiously. Her face cleared and she thrust the bunny toward Teddy. 'Kiss his ear, an' make it better!' she demanded.

Obediently, Teddy went pressed a kiss to the abused ear. 'What are you doing up?' he asked, moving his textbook to the floor, making room for Lily.

'Itchy,' Lily told him.

'Yeah, I remember how bad it was when I had dragon pox.' Teddy slid off the bed. 'Stay right there, Pumpkin. I'll be right back with something for those itchies, okay?'

''kay.'

Teddy lightly ran down the narrow stairs to the first floor and slipped into the bathroom. Ginny kept a vial of the potion to keep the little ones from scratching at the welts. He grabbed it and a few pieces of cotton wool and went back up the stairs, wrinkling his nose at the sharp odor emanating from the vial, even with the cork firmly embedded in its mouth. 'Hold your nose,' he told Lily, as he went back inside his room, removing the cork and pressing a piece of cotton wool over the mouth, turning it over until the cotton wool was soaked through. 'Where're the itchies, Lily?'

'Here.' Lily pointed to her cheeks. 'And here.' She held out her arms. Teddy began to dab the damp cotton wool over her round cheeks. 'That feel better?'

'Uh-huh.'

'Ready to go back to sleep?' Teddy moved the cotton wool over Lily's arms, remoistening it when it became dry.

'Tell me a story,' Lily said.

'Okay...' Teddy picked up the cork and firmly pushed it back into the mouth of the vial. He settled against his pillow and pulled Lily into his lap. 'A story...' He tried to recall something he could tell Lily from memory. 'Once upon a time, there was a boy in Hufflepuff,' he began. He'd heard the story of how his grandparents met and married, usually on his grandfather's birthday, when his grandmother thought he was in bed and asleep. She stood in the sitting room, with a glass of wine, playing his old records, talking to a photograph of Ted Tonks. Teddy had thought she'd gone barmy, the first time he'd seen her, but Ginny assured him Andromeda was still sane, just missing Ted terribly.

By the time Teddy got to the part where Ted and Andromeda went to Regent's Park, Lily was fast asleep. He considered trying to take her back downstairs to her own room, but Lily always managed to double her weight when asleep, rather like most cats. He managed to scoot down and pull the bedding over the both of them. 'Night, Pumpkin,' he murmured sleepily.

*****

Minerva's Patronus faded into twinkling silver nothingness. Arthur tapped the table with a finger. 'So Hagrid's back...'

'You think he was successful?' Remus asked tensely.

'Who knows?' Emmeline said with a shrug. 'Giants aren't exactly known for being rational, are they?'

'Not so much, no,' Mad-Eye growled. He eyed Remus. 'Has Dumbledore spoken to you about infiltrating Greyback's pack?'

Remus shifted, uncomfortably aware that everyone's eyes had swiveled toward him. 'He's mentioned it,' Remus mumbled. 'But it's still in the planning stages.'

'Why would they want to be with You-Know-Who anyway?' Emmeline wondered. 'It's not as if their lot will be any better under him.'

'Because he'll let them do what they want,' Remus snarled, his teeth bared in a feral sneer. 'He may not respect them as beings, but he'll allow them to attack without compunction.' He felt the others draw back a little. 'It's instinct,' he continued. 'To rip and claw a victim to shreds during the full moon. Under Voldemort, they'll have free rein to attack Muggles openly.' The corners of his mouth turned down. 'Muggles who will turn into werewolves. Without even the limited resources we have. Muggles who will run mad and commit suicide in despair,' he spat. The full moon was tomorrow. Remus could feel the wolf pacing impatiently. Staying in the city wouldn't do this month. The wolf wanted to feel earth under his paws, to run with unbridled freedom the basement didn't allow.

'And on that note...' Kingsley stood at the head of the table, the de facto leader in Dumbledore's absence. 'I must go to the Ministry to stand watch in a few minutes. I shall send word of when the next meeting will be.' The others filed out into the miniscule back garden, Apparating in turns so as not to arouse suspicion.

Remus remained sitting at the table, wishing for a moment, he could trade places with Sirius. Sirius didn't have to sit in endless meetings, planning, always planning. Sirius could safely ensconce himself upstairs in his mother's old bedroom, with Buckbeak, swilling cheap firewhiskey. He started at a light touch on the back of his hand. Tonks had moved down a few seats and taken the seat next to his. She covered his hand with her own, the soft skin of her fingers rasping over the calluses on his. 'Are you all right?'

'I'm fine,' Remus told her dully. 'Come on, I'll see you to your station.' He pushed his chair away from the table and stood. Remus began to walk up the dark stairs to the ground floor, adroitly avoiding the troll leg umbrella stand. He caught it reflexively when Tonks stumbled over it as she followed him to the door, unable to deal with Mrs. Black's shouts and screams at the moment.

They walked silently toward the Underground station, Remus staring straight ahead. 'I tried it,' he said abruptly. 'After James and Lily died, and Sirius went to Azkaban. I was horribly lonely.'

'What stopped you?'

Remus stopped at a dingy play park, and leaned against the wrought iron fence that circled it, staring at the shabby swings swaying in the chilly wind. The cuff of his sleeve fell back, revealing a thin scar that stood out amongst the others. It was straight and regular and snaked up the inside of his forearm. 'Not the pain. Pain and I have been friends for most of my life.' His eyes closed and he turned his head away from Tonks. 'It was fear,' he admitted shamefacedly. 'I'm not afraid of dying, you see,' he muttered. 'It's what might be waiting for me...' He trailed off, unsure of why he was laying his history at the feet of this witch. There were perhaps three people to whom Remus had spoken to so candidly before: James, Lily, and Sirius. And Tonks had a feel that was similar to what he'd felt with those three. He wouldn't find judgment or censure on her face. 'Sorry,' he mumbled. 'I...'

Tonks shook her head. 'Don't be.' She looked Remus curiously. 'Was that the only time?' Her hand closed around his arm, blocking the scar from view.

Remus nodded, keeping his face carefully turned away from her. 'But I understand why someone would actually finish the job,' he said hoarsely.

Tonks didn't say anything, but lightly squeezed his arm. She rose on her toes, and to Remus' surprise, gently kissed his cheek. 'I'll see you later, then.' She swiftly walked down the street and disappeared into the Tufnill Park station.

*****

6 November 1995

She's going to make life difficult for Hagrid. Umbridge, I mean. And we can't have Hagrid removed from the school. We need him there. We need another pair of eyes on Harry and Hagrid will defend Harry until he hasn't breath left in his body. And his loyalty to Dumbledore is unshakable. There will be no worries that Hagrid will let his head be turned by the empty promises of Voldemort. Too many people underestimate Hagrid, believing he's simple-minded. While it's true that Hagrid often speaks before he thinks and he's not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, he sees things the rest of us often do not. In the end, he was right about Voldemort not being gone - something the rest of us somehow missed. Or didn't want to see.

I just hope he can keep his emotions in check. Hagrid's biggest asset is also his biggest vulnerability. He feels everything so keenly. And with Umbridge inspecting and evaluating classes, she might take that and find a way to use it against him. If she doesn't merely believe he's a simpleton because of his giant mother. But in all likelihood, she's going to find a way to exploit that and use it against Hagrid.

*****

The cold woke Remus.

He slowly opened his eyes and blinked at the leaves under his cheek, feeling the ripples of gooseflesh over his skin. He had no idea where he was or where he'd left his clothes. Blearily, he examined the numerous scratches on his arms and legs. They weren't deep and would heal soon enough when he was able to put something on them. Something crusted between his fingers caught his attention, and Remus brought his hands closer to his face.

What he'd thought were scrapes and scratches were actually smears of dried blood. It was caked between his fingers. Repulsed, he shot to his feet, searching frantically for a stream to wash. The sound of falling water filled his ears and he stumbled blindly, following the sounds of rushing water until the leaf mold under his feet gave way to moss-covered rocks. Remus plunged into the icy water cascading from the rocky overhang, scrubbing at his skin and hair until the red-tinted water ran clear once more. The only solace was that the blood wasn't human.

Shivering, he stepped out of the weir and stood, dripping, his arms wound around his body, in an attempt to retain some of the warmth that hadn't yet dissipated. He turned slowly in a circle, trying to remember anything from the previous night. He'd left his flat, bundled in a traveling cloak, his wand in the pocket and Apparated to a deserted wood. When he allowed the wolf to run free, some part of the wolf realized he needed to return home, and usually managed stay within a manageable distance from where Remus had left his clothes and wand. The wolf wasn't a separate being, Remus had often reasoned. It was a symbiotic parasite, fully cognizant that his own survival depended on Remus'. Feeling an internal nudge, Remus struck off in a northerly direction, the movements forcing his body to thaw and the cuts and gashes began to truly ache as the blessed numbness wore off.

Remus wound his way through the trees, following the seemingly instinctual urges of the wolf until he came to a large tree. His clothing rested at the base, neatly folded, his wand tucked inside an inner pocket of the cloak. Remus looked up at the tree, as he stooped to pick up his clothes and began to laugh.

Rowan.

The wolf had all but picked a tree said to protect one from malicious beings.

Remus pulled his pants on, then his trousers, musing which one of the two of them the wolf considered a malevolent creature, necessitating protection for the other. He stiffly pushed his arms into the sleeves of his shirt, fingers fumbling to slide the buttons through the buttonholes. He wrapped his shabby cardigan around him, then bundled the traveling cloak in his arms, taking his wand from the pocket, to begin the process to Apparate back to London.

*****

Remus approached the front door of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, warily. The windows were dark and the house appeared still and deserted. He opened the front door and headed straight for the kitchen. It was uninhabited, but bore unmistakable signs of Sirius' most recent firewhiskey binge. A bottle sat on one end of the table, fingerprints showing clearly in the dust that coated it. A smeared glass was next to the bottle, a dried residue of whiskey leaving a sticky film in the bottom.

He went back upstairs to the ground floor and peered into the gloomy darkness of the sitting room and library, but didn't find Sirius. He padded up the stairs to the top floor, where Buckbeak was housed in Mrs. Black's old room. Padfoot was curled on the foot of the bed, ears drooping dejectedly. Remus' mouth twisted in wry amusement. Ever since he'd figured out how to transfigure into his Animagus form, when Sirius wanted to go off and sulk, he did it as Padfoot. Remus turned to Buckbeak and meeting the large hippogriff's eyes, bowed low at the waist. Buckbeak bowed his head in return, and Remus continued into the room and slid onto the bed next to the dog.

He began to stroke the top of the dog's head, lightly scratching his ears. Padfoot whined softly, pale eyes glaring up at Remus reproachfully. 'I know...' Remus murmured. 'I would have liked to have you out there with me last night. But you know it's too dangerous. Someone might have seen you.'

Padfoot growled softly in his throat.

'It's not my decision, Padfoot. I realize you're tired of being cooped up and hiding, but you're still wanted by the Ministry.' Remus tilted the dog's muzzle upward. 'And for Merlin's sake, stop being so selfish, would you? Think about Harry for a minute. The last thing he needs is for you to land yourself back in Azkaban.'

The large dog whined in response.

Remus gave the dog one last pat. 'Why don't you come down with me to the kitchen?'

Padfoot heaved a sigh and before Remus could blink, in his place sat Sirius in rumpled clothing, a pair of slippers on his feet. Sirius gave Remus a critical once-over, taking Remus' chin in his hand, just as Remus had done with Padfoot. 'What happened last night?'

'How do you know something happened last night?'

Sirius snorted, and released Remus' chin. 'How long have I known you?'

'Twenty-four years.'

'And how many times have I seen you the day after?'

'Seven years, from September to June... Fifty six. Plus two years... At least eighty.'

Sirius slid from the bed and started walking toward the door. 'So? What happened last night?'

Remus shook his head. 'I don't remember,' he admitted heavily. 'I woke up this morning covered in blood. But it wasn't mine...'

'It was probably just some small...' Sirius closed his mouth with a snap. 'Come on, Dr. Jekyll; let's get you something to eat. You're hungry, aren't you?'

'I could eat.' Remus joined Sirius on the stairs. 'Just nothing with...' His face turned slightly green at the edges.

'Molly made vegetable soup the other day,' Sirius said quickly, noting the burgeoning nausea on his friend's face. 'There's still some left.'

'Brilliant.'

*****

9 November 1995

I can't transform in the open again like that. I know it's going to cause problems for me, but I can't do that again. Not anymore. I don't like killing anything, not even in self-defense, and the wolf just kills out of the sheer joy of doing it. Is that what makes me different from the others? That I don't give in to the urge to rip, maim, and kill?

But who's the better person? Greyback or me?

He's not ashamed of what he is, whereas I, I do everything within my power to suppress it. And I am very much ashamed of what I am. There is something inherently dishonest about that.

*****

Teddy felt insistent nudges against his stomach and cracked open his eyelids. Lily sat on his stomach, frowning at him, her small fingers rhythmically prodding him into wakefulness. She grinned when she saw Teddy's eyes flutter open. 'I'm hungry,' she whispered loudly.

'What time is it?' Teddy groaned, reaching for the alarm clock next to his bed. He scowled at Lily, who merely smiled beatifically at him. 'Lily Nymphadora Potter, it's not even six in the bloody morning,' he grumbled.

'But I'm hungry...'

Teddy heaved a sigh, and lifted Lily off his stomach. 'Fine...' He transferred Lily to his back and carried her down to the kitchen, setting her down next to the table. 'Owl O's all right with you?'

'Uh-huh.' Lily clambered into her chair at the table, and settled her stuffed bunny in the chair next to hers. 'Cadbury wants Owl O's, too.'

Teddy set bowls in front of Lily and Cadbury, then poured cereal into Lily's, and shook a few pieces into the bowl in front of the bunny. He grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and added cereal to it as well. He added milk to his bowl and Lily's. 'I'm not putting milk in the bunny's bowl.'

'He doesn't like milk,' Lily retorted.

'Of course not.'

Ginny shuffled into the kitchen, yawning widely. 'What are the two of you doing up so early?'

Teddy glared at Lily, placidly eating her breakfast. 'Someone was hungry.'

'And she woke you up?'

'She slept in the attic. Got itchy and came upstairs. Guess she saw the light on. I was doing my summer homework,' Teddy explained.

'Hmmm.' Ginny's hand splayed over her mouth as she yawned again. She gazed sleepily at Lily. 'Maybe we ought to rethink the length of your naps... You must get this from your grandmother. Your father and I don't do this...' She ran a hand over Teddy's matted hair. 'Sorry.'

Teddy shrugged. 'It's all right.' He stirred his spoon around in his bowl a few times. 'How well did you know Dad?'

Ginny flicked her wand at the teapot. Steam rose from the spout and Ginny poured a cup for herself and took a sip with a grateful sigh. 'Well enough, I suppose. Why?'

Teddy poked at a piece of cereal floating on top of the milk. 'Was he ever happy?'

'Yes. He was.'

Teddy snorted. 'Yeah? I keep reading this diary and all I see is Dad being... unhappy... When does he get to be happy?'

Ginny cupped Teddy's face in one hand and her thumb brushed away the tears Teddy didn't realize had slipped down his face. 'The day you were born.'