There'll Be Bluebirds

Harry turned his gaze from the staircase to Andromeda. In all the years he had known her, she wasn't one for wearing her emotions on her sleeve. Not that she was cold-hearted. In fact, she was quite the opposite. But even forty years after she'd left her family behind, she still carried the reserve necessary to survive the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. He was taken aback by the open distress on her face. He grasped her elbow and steered her toward the kitchen. 'Did you really forget?' he asked.

'Would you believe me if I said yes?' she asked sardonically. Andromeda dropped into a chair. 'He asked me, the night Teddy was born if I'd give those journals to Teddy if and when the time came...' She flicked her wand at a cupboard and a bottle of firewhiskey landed on the table. Another flick brought two glasses sailing toward the table. 'I forgot they were there...' She sighed heavily and poured herself a healthy tot of the whiskey. 'Fourteen years is a long time,' Andromeda explained. 'I don't think I've been in that attic since Teddy was a baby. When I put Remus' last journal in the box.'

'Did you read it?' Harry asked, his curiosity piqued.

Andromeda's cheeks colored slightly. 'Some,' she admitted. 'It was like he knew he wasn't going to survive in the end. He filled nearly an entire journal in month. With fatherly sorts of things...' She shook her head slightly. 'At any rate, I put the one he had left in their bedroom in the box with the others, closed the box and forgot they were there with everything else that was going on.' She picked up her glass and took a sip, grimacing a bit as it burned a path down her throat. 'I had intended at the time to give them to Teddy when he was older,' she said softly. 'I really wasn't trying to hide them,' she told Harry beseechingly.

'I believe you,' Harry said, picking up his own glass. 'I did that with my parents' things after the war. I took everything worth something to me from their house in Godric's Hollow. Just threw it all into boxes and put them into the attic at the Burrow. Even when I moved out, I didn't bother with them. Not until after we'd moved out of the Soho flat and into the house. Arthur asked if I wanted some help getting them into the new house. And I had forgotten about them.' Harry swallowed. 'Not that I meant to, mind,' he added. 'It was just they were out of sight...'

'Out of mind...'

'Exactly.' Harry took a meditative sip of his whiskey. 'Didn't even open them until Al was six months old or so. He was actually outgrowing things by that point, and Ginny sent me up to find some of James' old things for Al to wear. I opened those boxes instead of the ones with James' old clothes. Just went straight to them.' He shrugged. 'Guess it was just time.' He tossed the rest of his glass back and stood up. 'I need to get back. Lily ought to be better in a few days. The kids are dying to see him.'

'I'm sure he'll be thrilled.' The rest of the phrase hung in the air, unspoken between them. So he can get out of here for a few days...

*****

Remus wrapped his fingers around the broom Tonks had borrowed for him. 'Where did you get this?' he asked nervously. It was a rather good broom. Not Quidditch-standard, of course, but on par with the one she flew. But with one small exception: the name plate had been discreetly removed. Remus could see the darker tone of the wood where the square plate had been.

She laid a playful finger over his lips. 'Shhhh. Ask me no questions,' she began.

'And I'll tell you no lies,' he murmured against the finger still laid lightly over his lips, completing the thought. She smiled at him conspiratorially, and winked, as she mounted her broom. Remus rubbed his fingers over his mouth, trying to erase the tingle zinging over it. He was still rubbing his lips together when he kicked off the hard-baked ground and followed her into the air, Emmaline Vance behind him.

Remus shook his hair back out of his face as he gained altitude, briefly taken back to his school days, when he, James, and Sirius would aimlessly fly around the pitch after Quidditch practice ended for James. Sometimes, they helped him work on a particular skill, and Sirius was a fair Keeper. Remus ruefully recalled he had zero skills when it came to Quidditch beyond fetching the Quaffle for the other two. Peter didn't fly with them. He preferred to stay in the stands and cheer every goal James managed to get past Sirius.

'Oi! Remus!' Tonks shouted. Remus shook himself from his reverie and was startled to find the others were banking sharply to the left.

'Get your head out of the clouds, Lupin!' growled Mad-Eye.

Remus jerked the broom toward the left and gave Tonks a sheepish grin. She smothered a giggle and veered to his other side, switching places with Kingsley. He noticed Kingsley gazing at him appraisingly; rather the way Lily had done so often. Remus scowled at Kingsley, who merely shrugged elegantly, and swooped over his head.

Presently, Remus began to shiver. He didn't mind the cold as a general rule. But that was on the ground. The wind seemed to cut through his threadbare clothing more sharply in mid-air. His hands quickly grew numb, but he didn't dare try to tuck his cloak around them. He didn't have the balance James had. He watched as Tonks flattened herself to the handle of the broom and mimicked her actions. It was a little better. At least he could shield his hands from the wind a bit.

He didn't quite recognize where they were. Surrey was just outside of London, and it shouldn't have taken them very long to arrive at number four Privet Drive, but Mad-Eye seemed to be leading them on a loop that went through Kent and Sussex before finally landing on the conspicuously lush lawn of the Dursley's house.

*****

Remus tucked his cloak around his hands and glanced at Tonks. 'So where did you get that broom?'

She sighed and stuck her hands into the pockets of her patched jeans. 'Promise not to tell?' she asked with a glint in her dark eyes. It reminded him of the one Sirius got, about three seconds before he proposed something guaranteed to cause mayhem.

'All right...' Remus said cautiously.

'Nicked it from a certain broom shed in Wiltshire.'

Remus stopped in mid-step. 'Wiltshire...?' he asked weakly.

She turned and walked backward for a few steps, flashing that wide smile at him. 'Yup. Consider it a gift from my cousin. Draco would be absolutely appalled to find out what we used it for,' she crowed gleefully.

Remus felt a burning sensation in the pit of his stomach. 'Draco Malfoy is your cousin?' The wolf that lurked inside him began to growl softly.

'Mmm-hmm. My mum and his mum are sisters. Actually, Sirius and my mum are cousins. My maternal grandfather and his mother were siblings. I guess that makes me Sirius' cousin, too.'

Remus resumed his steady pace next to Tonks. 'I didn't know that.'

Tonks shrugged. 'I'm not surprised. Mum said he always seemed to be ashamed to be a Black.'

'He was,' Remus murmured.

'I've seen Draco,' Tonks continued. 'A few times. I was in the apothecary buying fresh potion ingredients before his first year of school. If his nose got any higher, he'd have to put platforms on the soles of his shoes. I've seen him around Diagon Alley a time or two since. Bossing these two absolutely thick blokes around. I don't think either of them could find their way in from the rain without help.' She stopped at the Underground station. 'Says a bit about him, that he's willing to make friends with people who aren't bright enough to question him, no?'

'Yeah...' Remus glanced up at the moon. It was nearly full. He closed his eyes, and heaved a sigh. He wasn't the suicidal type, but he was heartily tired of it all - the hiding, the government-inflicted poverty, the feeling that he could lose all control of himself at any moment... 'I do hope you'll accept my apologies for what happened after dinner,' he said softly. 'It's just Molly wants to keep them all children for as long as she can and Sirius wants to push Harry into James' old place.'

'Oh, was that a disagreement?' Tonks said teasingly. 'Don't worry about it. It's understandable, yeah? Everybody's chafing under the stress.'

Remus nodded. 'And if you're Harry, Ron, and Hermione, you're used to being right in the middle of everything - whether you want to be or not. That lot - and I include Ginny and the twins in this - have a way of finding out exactly what they're not supposed to know.'

Tonks' smile reappeared. 'I can understand that. Why do you think I became an Auror?' She waved a little as she descended into the station. 'G'night, Remus.'

*****

10 August 1995

We managed to whisk Harry away from his relatives' house tonight. Tonks' scheme to lure them away from the house worked beautifully. She's a smart one, that girl. I wish I could have seen their faces when they realized it was all a ruse. But then again, they'd never admit it to themselves that they'd been duped.

The look on Harry's face frightens me a little. He's so young. I think sometimes we forget that a little, given what he's done and seen. I'm afraid he's so bent on revenge that something is going to happen. Or he'll end up in a situation that's far over his head and abilities to handle. And Sirius is just encouraging him at this point. I must try to talk to Sirius about easing up a bit on that front. In some ways, I'm with Molly. Can't we just let Harry keep some of his childhood just a little bit longer? Before he has no choice but to set it aside?

I don't envy Bill, trying to persuade the goblins to work with the Order. I've yet to meet a more crafty, yet recalcitrant creature in my life. They don't trust humans - on either side. But if Voldemort promises them things we keep denying them, I don't see how they can resist. Not that he'll actually keep those promises. And the goblins ought to know better, given his pureblood fantasies. But that lure of equality is powerful. Even I can feel it tugging at me. Oh, I'd never join their side... But... Just to think for a moment... I could be... Free...

It's a bittersweet word. I'm far too cognizant lately of what I've had to give up in my life. Even if I was free to pursue a life, it wouldn't be the life I want to have.

*****

Remus slowly awoke on the hard earthen floor of the cellar of the building in London where Sirius' old flat was located. More than sixteen years before, the two of them had charmed the cellar to a fare-thee-well. Muggle-Repelling charms, Cushioning charms, Silencing charms. Remus would slip down before the moon rose, leaving his clothing neatly piled in a heap outside the door.

He stiffly sat up and took in the dim, windowless room. The wolf hated the city and had used this month to let his displeasure be known. He got to his feet with aching listlessness, examining the various welts and scrapes on his naked body. Remus arched his back slightly, and felt a burning, stinging sensation down the back of one leg. He twisted to inspect the gash that slashed his calf in a livid, jagged laceration. That's going to leave a scar... In spite of his rudimentary Healing skills, Remus couldn't manage to make the scars disappear entirely. They weren't as bad as they could have been, however.

The wolf was also disgruntled at Remus' decision to keep Tonks at something of a distance. Shut it, you, Remus told it grumpily. It's not in the cards for us, mate. He tilted his head from one side to the other, making sickening crunching sounds. Ahhhhhhhh... Remus sighed. He wondered what might be available to eat in the flat. He was always ravenous the morning after the full moon.

He acutely missed the company of James and Sirius at times like these. Remus didn't dare endure his monthly transformation at number twelve Grimmauld Place with so many people in residence. But he would have loved to have Sirius' canine presence to keep him company. Remus usually didn't remember much about the night of a full moon - just the odd memory and sensation.

Remus took a deep breath and slowly reached over the door for the wand he'd stashed there, after putting a strong Locking charm on the door. He flicked it wearily at the doorknob and the door swung open, revealing his pile of clothing. He stooped and picked up the clothes, and made his way up the winding stairs to his flat, not bothering to dress. It was still very early, before dawn, when the absence of light put everything into ashy contrasts. Nobody was up and about at this time of day, other than old Mrs. Coronas. And Remus was past caring if some old bat saw him starkers anymore.

He came to a sudden stop at the top of the stairs, clutching his clothes to his scrawny middle. 'Erm... Arthur...' he stammered, flushing deeply, the deep rosy hue spreading over his pale skin.

'I'll close my eyes if it makes you feel better,' Arthur quipped lightly, squeezing his eyes shut.

Remus snorted and managed to pull his jumper over his head and tug the pants and trousers on without toppling over. 'Not much to see,' he retorted, hissing slightly as the wool of the trousers brushed over the gash in his calf.

'Thought I'd come tell you about Harry's hearing,' Arthur said. 'And Molly's sent some food.'

'That's very kind,' Remus murmured, flicking his wand at the door of the flat.

'She thought you'd be hungry,' Arthur said nonchalantly. He followed Remus into the flat and set the basket on the tiny table.

'Can I get you some tea, Arthur?' Remus opened a cupboard door, pulling down a tin of tea leaves.

'Yes, please. Thank you.' Arthur pulled out a chair and dropped into it.

Remus tapped the kettle, then poured the boiling water into the teapot over the tea leaves. 'How did the hearing go?'

'They found him innocent, but it was held in Courtroom Ten.'

'Court...' Remus' eyes grew wide. 'But that's where they tried Death Eaters last time...'

'Yeah.' Arthur took out a loaf of bread and sliced it. 'It was on Fudge's insistence.' He shrugged. 'Dumbledore showed up with Arabella, who was able to more-or-less corroborate what Harry said about Dementors in Little Whinging.' He shook his head and took the cup of tea Remus offered. 'Fudge did everything he could to discredit the boy. Full Wizengamot, Courtroom Ten. He even changed the time of the hearing, hoping Dumbledore wouldn't show up on time.'

'He's gone mad,' Remus said quietly. 'Was Percy...?'

Arthur's lips pressed together, and the skin around his eyes tightened. But he nodded.

*****

13 August 1995

I don't actually remember seeing the full moon. A real one, not a boggart. I sort of remember seeing it when I was small. Before Greyback.

I wonder, if and when I do die, if it will be an issue... One would think that even God (if there is one) would see fit to remember one small sparrow, if you will, and return my dignity. I'm just so tired. I've been tired since I was six years old. No wonder some of my kind resort to suicide. I can't say I blame them, in the end.

Things do not bode well for Fudge, if he's attempting to make an example out of a fifteen-year old boy. Cowardice usually results in the attempted destruction of the innocent in an effort to make people think you're doing something. Anything. How many others will he throw to the lions in his attempts to prove he's not inept and over his head? He's a bloody fool.

Arthur said Dumbledore didn't so much as acknowledge Harry at the hearing. Or at least that's what Harry says. That's another worry. Harry's desperate for a father-figure right now. He has exactly three options: Dumbledore, Arthur, or Sirius. Each of them with profound disadvantages. Dumbledore... Well, it's quite obvious if he's ignoring Harry... And Harry's looked up to Dumbledore since he started school. What a disheartening thing for him to have his idol brush past him like that. In the case of Arthur... I know Arthur's capacity for love. But in this case, it's Harry's ability to love that I worry about. Would he be able to think of Arthur the way he would James, and not feel like he's forgetting his own father?

And Sirius... I've been worried about Sirius since he came to the flat at the end of June. I can see him when he talks about Harry, and he almost has to stop and remind himself it is Harry, and not James. You can see it in his face. He almost wants Harry to be James. That is not healthy. And I can see Harry trying to fulfill that role for Sirius, because he wants to please him so badly. And Harry doesn't need a friend just now. He needs a father.