The Adventures of Scarhead Neville, ...

Hermione was still in a state of shock over the news that when she got back into the common room, she'd be known as Ron Weasley's girlfriend. This made her skin crawl. She could think of many reasons why Hermione Granger should not be dating Ron Weasley. The first, Ron was poorer than a house elf. Secondly, red hair only really looks fitting on women. It makes men look inordinately comical. The third reason--

"Malfoy," snapped Neville, "when we get in there, you're going to have to act a bit like Hermione. It's understandable if you don't want to be left alone with Ron, but Hermione says he's actually very gentle." Neville smiled evilly and Hermione's mouth fell open once again.

Harry blushed slightly. He was friends with Ron, Harry and Hermione, but they didn't confide secrets in him. Their conversations were usually short, lighthearted, and in passing. Hearing of Hermione and Ron's relationship was news to him.

"Listen, Potter," Hermione said, narrowing her eyes at Neville. "I don't so much as want to be seen by the Weasel."

"It's not my job to keep him away from you," retorted Neville. He snickered at the scowl that Hermione was giving him.

"What's so blasted funny?"

"Nothing. You've remarkably picked up on Hermione's traits, by and by."

They reached the portrait hole and walked through after giving the password ("I see Thestrals"). Hermione looked around with a raised eyebrow. "Where do I sleep?" she whispered to Neville.

"Just follow Parvati or Lavender when they go upstairs. You sleep in their dorm. Guys aren't allowed up there, so I can't show you where to go. But Malfoy, for Pete's sake, just try to act like Hermione," Neville pleaded with him.

Hermione looked very confused. After a minute of deep thought, she asked Neville, "Who's this Pete person? A first year? Sod that, what does he have to do with any of this?"

It took a couple of seconds for Neville to realize that Hermione was being hopelessly serious. "Malfoy," he said between chuckles, "it's just a common Muggle expression."

"Actually, it's not all that uncommon in the wizarding world either," Harry added, "Gran says it from time to time."

"No one asked you or your Gran, Roundbottom," Hermione cut in.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Harry replied. He traced his scar briefly before continuing, "I'm Harry Potter."

Hermione rolled her eyes. Great, now the Squib thinks he's the shiniest Sickle of the sack, she thought to herself.

"You're not Harry Potter," Neville corrected, "you just look like him." Both Harry and Hermione blankly stared at Neville. He had apparently begun to brood in the middle of the common room. Something only the true Harry Potter could manage.

Hermione caught Lavender and Parvati out of the corner of her eye. "I guess it's time for girl-talk," she sighed. Hermione walked over to where they were sitting, threw herself onto the sofa next to them, and sat like a boy.

Harry had been keeping an eye her the entire time and caught her acting out of gender. He looked expectantly at Neville. Oh no, still brooding.

Harry took a quick breath before rushed over to Hermione, keeping his head lowered. When he reached her, he discreetly pushed her legs together with his right foot.

"Remember, Malfoy," he whispered, "you are a girl..."

Hermione batted her eyelashes at Neville and cooed, "Whatever you say Harry."

Hermione snorted at the mixed up reaction the flickered on Harry's face. At first, it had been a bit enraptured but all too quickly turned into consternation and finally resulted in something akin to nausea.

"C'mon, Ha-er-Neville," Harry stammered. He finally managed to snap Neville out of his self-imposed introspection.

"Oh, right. 'Night, Hermione," Neville said, waving a hand at her. Still in a half-aware state, he followed Harry up the stairs to their dormitory.

Luckily for Hermione, Ron had already gone to bed. All she had to do was wait until Lavender and Parvati had gossiped themselves tired. Hermione made sure to take notes on what was said in case it ever came in handy for blackmailing material. At a quarter to eleven, she followed them to their dorm and went to bed with no one the wiser. Those two have it easy, Hermione though. They only had to switch beds and answer to different names. I'm working in an entirely different world!

Harry (as Neville) really hoped that Hermione (as Draco) would figure out how to reverse the spell. Neville (as Harry) also hoped she would because he was horrible at Quidditch. They would be playing Slytherin on Saturday and Neville knew that if he played, they would lose to the opposing house for the first time in six years. Neville didn't want to be the one that got them out of the running for the house cup, because then he knew that everyone would just blame Harry. Then neither Harry nor Hermione would ever speak to me again, and I wouldn't get their help in Transfiguration, and I'd fail, and I'd be turned down from Auror training, not to mention Gran would disown me. Merlin's beard! Where would I go!? I suppose Seamus would let me mooch for a week but---but nothing's happened yet! Get a hold of yourself, Neville!

Neville stared in confusion at Harry who was clenching his fists and nodding in determination at some unspoken comment. He shook his head and prepared himself for a much deserved sleep.

******

Draco's (really, Hermione's) experience getting into the Slytherin common room was easier than expected. He noticed that the common room was not as cold as he thought it would be. Well, at least there aren't puddles of blood everywhere from hours old dark rituals, he thought to himself.

Crabbe and Goyle were sitting on the sofa near the fireplace when Draco walked in. They grunted their greetings and Draco sat next to them, not knowing what to say. He uncontrollably shivered when he came to the realization that he had to share a room with these two. He also noticed the inordinate amount of attention he was getting from the female Slytherins. Pansy Parkinson almost couldn't take her eyes off the figure of Draco.

What would Draco do in this situation, he thought quickly, smile back? Say a snide comment? Ignore her?

He settled on the last option and just ignored all the stares from the girls. Draco ringed his hands together, painfully aware of how long the night was going to be.

******

Draco (as Hermione) woke up the next morning and looked over at Parvati and Lavender who were still asleep. Sleeping in a girl's dormitory was an interesting experience. When Draco ever thought of girls sleeping in the same room, he had thoughts of wild pillow fights that ended with someone's night shirt getting ripped, then all the girls laughing about it. He had pictured them sleeping in nothing but underwear because they had worked up such a sweat in the pillow fight. And then they would all sleep close together because they were such best friends and so what if a hand accidentally wandered? It was nothing like Flint's magazines, he concluded bitterly.

But that's not what had happened. Lavender had terrified him when she walked into the room last night with a green face mask on and her hair wrapped in a towel, fresh out of the shower. Parvati made a slurping noise when she talked because of the retainer she had to wear at night. All in all, it was not the sexy experience Draco had envisioned.

Draco shuddered as Parvati snored and slurped. He got up and walked to the bathroom. This was another thing he did not like about being a girl. How inconvenient it was to have to sit down to pee. Then Draco felt an odd sensation. He was sure that he was finished with his business. He reluctantly stood up and looked into the toilet. He gave a startled cry. Hermione Granger's body was bleeding to death.