I Really Don't Need to Be Here

I Really Don't Need To Be Here

or They Think I've Lost My Mind

"You know, I really don't need to be here," he said. "I'll be fine out there. It's okay."

After a few moments, he spoke again. "It's a conspiracy, you know." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "They think I've lost my mind."

He paused, waiting to see the reaction, before continuing, "I haven't really, you know. They're lying. They tell me I've lost my memory."

Again, a pause before he went on, "That's not true. I remember everything like it happened yesterday. My mind is sharp as a tack."

His companion still didn't say anything, so he kept talking, "Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Lithuania?"

Pause.

"No? Well, I'll tell you now, then. I was just travelling around Eastern Europe, as usual you know, when I heard a rumour of a small village that was having some troubles. Being the brave and clever wizard that I am, I took time out of my sightseeing to visit the place. Apparently the problem was in the form of a giant, ferocious cat. It wreaked havoc on the town every two and a quarter weeks. It was a very precise cat, you know."

He stopped for breath and determining that there would be no interruption he continued, "The giant cat was a horrible beast. Every time it came it demanded enough livestock to feed it for two and a quarter weeks."

He paused and waited for a reaction.

"You are shocked into silence, I see. Yes, it was a talking giant cat. Remarkable creature, but not tamed at all. It was a very dangerous beast. So I told the village folk that I would rid them of the menace. Of course, they all protested. The men said they'd tried and almost been killed. The women all wept and begged me not to risk my life like that. It was a dreadfully sad affair, but I was determined. The only thing left to do was to find a way to defeat it. I suppose you've heard of the phrase Music tames the savage beast?"

"No? Well, I assure you, it is a phrase. As it turns out, I did know it and it turned out quite lucky. Using a simple music spell I lulled the giant talking cat to sleep with some Muggle music. Giant talking cats are put straight to sleep by Metallica, you know. It is their one weakness."

After a few minutes of silence, he began talking again. "I suppose you never heard of my adventure in Hungary with a Death Eater?"

"No? Excellent, I'll tell you about that, then. You're getting all the good stories today. You're very lucky."

He took a sip of water from the glass on the table. "Where was I? Oh, yes. Hungary. Well, I was Budapest visiting some people I had saved from a zombie when there was news that an escaped Death Eater had been seen in the area. Naturally, I went looking for the man, being the only person qualified to do so. Did I ever tell you that I'm an Honourary Member of the Dark Force Defence League?"

"I didn't! Well, now you know. After a brief time spent searching I cornered this man in an alley behind a pub. He was disguised as a hula dancer, you know. It took some very good observation skills to spot him. It was his hula skirt that gave him away in the end. Real hula dancers wear them done up on the right, not the left like his. It's quite an amateur mistake, really. A little research would have gone a long way for him. But of course, he was a criminal and we can't expect everyone to have my mental prowess, can we?"

His laughed trailed off when he realized his companion wasn't laughing. He cleared his throat before continuing, "So I said to him, 'I have caught you, Mr. Terry-Terryboks.' That was his name, you know. Terry-Terryboks. His first name was Bob, astonishingly enough. He looked very scared, of course. It's only naturally to be terrified when on the wrong end of my wand. The wrong end being the casting end, of course."

He gave a weak laugh. "Yes, well. He pleaded with me to let him go. He said he had urgent business in Nepal. Of course, I am highly trained to spot a lie and did not believe him for a second. He said 'I'm really a warm and fuzzy person'. Obviously, I laughed at that. So I said to him, 'Are you mad? You are an Eater of Death, Bob Terry-Terryboks, and I will hand you in to the proper authorities.' That instilled fear in him, to be sure, and he handed me his wand. Of course, after that I incapacitated him and turned him in to the Hungarian police. They held a parade in my honour, of course. It was all very humbling. I remember it quite clearly."

He paused once more, waiting for a reaction. "So, as you can see, I really don't need to be here. My memory's fine. I even remembered joined-up writing," he finished.

"That's nice, Mr. Lockhart," the nurse said absently. "Here, have Sugar Quill, dear."

"Oh! Sugar Quills! Yay!"