Auntie Arabella's Advice Column

Dear Auntie Arabella,

People keep coming up to me and asking me for my autograph. I'm sure this would be wonderful, except I'm not exactly sure why they are doing it. I ask them why they want my autograph, and they tell me that I am funny, just like in my books. Auntie, I don't remember writing any books. Am I going crazy? Please help me!

-Can't remember in I don't know where

Dear Can't Remember,

Your condition seems rather recognizable. I remember reading in the newspaper lately that a very famous novelist was applying a memory charm on some boys at Hogwarts, and found himself without his memory. Could this by any chance have something to do with your case? Does the name Gilderoy Lockhart ring any bells? If so, congratulations, your reputation has been completely destroyed by Harry Potter, and your books are being burned like wildfires. No pun intended. If you are not Gilderoy Lockhart, I suggest you get yourself immediately to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, because you have a serious problem. If you are Gilderoy Lockhart, get a life and stop stealing everyone else's.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

I have a problem. I am very famous, for something I don't even remember. Everyone always wants my autograph, and I'm sick of it! I would love to have some privacy every once and awhile, but I have a certain facial feature that everyone (and I mean everyone) recognizes immediately. Do you have any suggestions of a vacation spot or other location I could go to get away from it all?

-The Boy who wants some Privacy

Dear Har- er Privacy

I can understand your problem completely! Meet me in the Leaky Cauldron the next time you are in London, and I will take you personally to my favorite spot to get away from the hustle and bustle of people. Better yet, how about you come to my house and live? I could make sure that no one bothers you, and you can get me some publicity! Or not. Anyway, write back and sign your real name, and I will give you some more advice on how to solve your problem!

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

I have a serious problem. I have a big crush on my teacher. Well, he isn't really my teacher anymore, he resigned two years ago, but my friends still refer to him as "Professor". What's even worse is that he is now the closest thing to a father that one of my best friends has. I am a perfect student, and don't want to ruin anything but even the library isn't helping me now!

-A Naïve Know-It-All

Yes, you do have a problem. The only advice I can give you? What you could be doing isn't legal. Your professor could get in serious trouble for pursuing a relationship with you. Wait until you're 18 and see if your feelings still exist. In the meantime, fine someone more your own age!!

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

My father is a very powerful wizard with multiple connections. He has a lifelong hate of this other wizard, "Uther." I attend school with Uther's daughter "Maryland" who is a year younger than me. Much to my aggravation, Maryland has grown very attractive over the years, and I think I am falling in love with her. My father would definitely kill me if he found out about this, but I can't stop thinking about her. Help me!

-Not wanting to be Daddy's Boy

Dear Daddy's Boy,

In basic terms? You're screwed. Speaking from experience, fathers find out everything about your life, especially secrets. My advice? Well, I'd go with the side with the guy who would kill you if you didn't follow his opinions. Until you're father is dead, stay away from Maryland. Also, see if you can get your father into some sort of counseling program. If he's willing to kill his own son, he needs some serious help.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

My brother and I are very close. He's only a year older than me, so we've grown up as each other's best friend. Lately however, there has been another young man in my life. Unfortunately he and my brother don't get along in the least. I'll even go so far as to say they hate each other. I'm falling in love with this boy, but the one person I would usually trust to tell has started dropping hints that he knows what I'm doing, and that if I don't cut it out, he'll tell our parents. Arabella, I love my brother dearly, and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him as a friend. How can I let him know nicely that it's none of his business what I do with my love life?

-GW from St. Catchpole

Dear GW,

I understand completely what you mean. Tell your brother exactly what you've told me, and that you do love him. Let him know that it's alright if he tells your parents, except that wouldn't solve anything at all. If your brother refuses to see your perspective, don't be angry with him. He has had hatred for this new boy for longer than you have had the opposite feelings for the same boy, and it will take longer for your brother to come to terms with this change in his life. In short, let your brother have his space for awhile. It might help more than you think.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

I have a fondness for a certain Muggle candy. My co-workers think that I am insane. What is wrong with eating candies that don't jump around in your stomach once and awhile?

-A Lemon drop Lover

Dear Lemon drop lover,

There is nothing wrong with eating Muggle candies! I enjoy them myself every once and awhile. Tell your co-workers that they are just not open minded enough to enjoy such delicacies, and do not deserve them anyway.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

My self esteem level is very low. I have recently been called a "slime ball", a "git" and an "idiot" all in the same 5 minutes. These names were completely uncalled for! The people in my year at school made fun of me non-stop, and recently one came to work at the school where I teach. These people have never been nice to me, and lately they have taken up their taunting again, even though two of them are dead, and the other is an escaped convict. Do you have any suggestions as to what sort of things I can use to wash my hair (Muggle shampoo does nothing for it) and get revenge on those who have called me names for too long?

-Fed up with the greasy, longed nose face of mine

Dear Fed up,

As for the revenge problem, have you ever considered counseling? It sounds to me as if you have some pent up anger that needs to be let loose. If you call 1-800-WIZARDBULLY I have some friends there that can help you out of your dilemma. Apparently they are very familiar with the bullying situation, and how it affects adults. As for the hair, the only thing I can recommend is Sleekeazy's Hair Potion, which wouldn't do anything really for the grease level of the hair, but can beautify even the bushiest hair. Visit your local potions manufacturer for more information.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

There's this girl at my school who has become quite the gorgeous babe over the summer. She's also had a humongous crush on me since she first saw me. I've ignored her for all these years (its been about 4 or 5 since we met), mainly because her brother is my best friend, but its been harder and harder to ignore her. I wouldn't mind dating her now though, because she's quite beautiful. The only two problems are that her brother is very protective of her, and I don't want to lose his friendship, and also she doesn't seem interested in me anymore. How can I get her to pay attention to me again?

-In Love With My Best Friend's Sister

Dear In Love,

Are you nuts?! If you had paid one ounce of attention to this girl when she had a "huge crush" on you, you might have had a chance with her, but now? After you've admittedly ignored her for 5 years? The only thing that's different about her now is that she has grown into a woman. Big deal. Think of it this way, if you can't pay her any heed when she's still youthful, what do you plan to do when you're old and gray and have nothing but her personality to live by? You have about the same chance as an ice cube in Hell. Sorry. Also, about the brother, even if you can get her interested in you again, her brother should know you well enough to know that you won't hurt her. He'd probably welcome a boyfriend for her that he already knows.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

My best friend's parents were killed when he was a baby. He's been living with his only living relatives, and they don't treat him very nicely at all. Recently, his godfather, who was the only father figure he had left disappeared. Also, our headmaster has been ignoring him all year. He's a wreck, and has mood swings constantly. I really want to help him, but I don't know why.

-Wanting To Be a Good Friend

Dear Good Friend,

You are already an excellent friend. Many people would desert someone as soon as they started treating you badly. You have done the best thing you could do by asking for advice. I applaud you. Go to one of your teachers. Teachers usually give very good advice. They can also talk to your friend without mentioning it was you who told them he was having problems. In the meantime, be a friend to your pal. He needs someone to talk to, so let him! If he needs to angst to you, listen, don't give him your problems to worry about too. Eventually your friend will come around. Just be there for him when he needs it.

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Dear Auntie Arabella,

I've lost my toad, and I've looked everywhere. Do you know where he is?

-Missing a good friend

Dear Missing,

It seems to me as if you've lost more than a friend. Are you insane? I run an advice column, not a detective agency!! Have you tried "accio"ing for him? That's the only suggestion I can give. Remembralls are also quite nice to have around, although that would only remind you that you've lost it. Not necessarily tell you where it's gone. Good luck finding your toad, though!