Adventures in Wizardland

Wizardland was opening that day and all of the Hogwarts students were sitting on the edge of their seats (literally) in anticipation to be let out. There was going to be a special, planned week-long holiday because of it, mostly because Dumbledore was tickled pink with excitement at the aspect of the new Wizarding theme park. The only person in the entire school, besides the small handful of prefects and seventh years who considered themselves too "adult" for that sort of childish nonsense, was Snape, who sat at his desk, a tolerate sneer across his face as he heard the muted chatter of "Wizardland, Wizardland, Wizardland" all day long.

"Father arranged for me to be first in line," said Draco Malfoy, with an all-knowing sneer across his face. "He has connections, of course." Crabbe and Goyle chuckled in the manner of Neanderthals.

"How typical," said Hermione.

"Who cares who gets in first?" said Dean Thomas, who couldn't help but grin. "I just can't wait to ride the rides. I'm riding everything."

"Everything?" said Neville nervously. "Even the Dragon's Lair Coaster? I heard that when they were testing it, the tracks were messed up and three wizards died as a cause of it. And one witch just *stood* by it and keeled over dead."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Neville, just because of some stupid rumors, you're not going to ride the thrill of century?!" He sighed in ecstasy. "Oh, man, I can't wait for this day to be over!"

***

"Hurry, children, hurry now," said Mrs. Weasley. The Weasleys, Harry and Hermione came scrambling behind Mrs. Weasley as she practically ran to the gate, where an unearthly line of people stood waiting to be let in. She was breathless from the rush, as they all were. Fred and George were standing on their tip-toes trying to see over the line, despite the fact that they have easily gone to either side and saw whatever the hold up was. Harry leaned over and saw two familiar faces: Lucius and Draco Malfoy, both sneering so hard their faces were in danger of keeping that way.

Meanwhile...

"Father, can't this line go any faster?" whined Draco, tugging on his father's robes like a child would. "You promised we'd get in first, Father, you pro-o-o-mised!"

"Hush it, Draco, you're giving away our snobby disposition," said Lucius in a hushed voice. "We'll get to Wizardland when we get to Wizardland."

"But I want to go now, Father, now -"

"Draco!"

Draco quieted, but started mumbling where only the words "my father" could be heard, until he realized who he was talking about and quieted.

Finally...

Draco was dancing about, holding his father's hand. Lucius felt himself practically going red with embarrassment of being sighted at an amusement park, particularly one so childish. Although Draco, oblivious to the park's content (cartoon witches and wizards and magical creatures) he seemed excited, maybe just a bit too excited.

"Draco, time for your Ritalin," said Lucius, his hand reaching into his pocket for the pill bottle.

Draco's eyes were darting around. "Father, I want to go on that first, Father." He was pointing to a child's ride with flying broomsticks that went about two feet in the air. The ride was filled with children, some crying, some laughing, some looking confused.

"Draco, son, I think you're too old for that - "

Draco grabbed a fistful of Lucius's shirt and pulled him close, muttering darkly through his gritted teeth: "I-want-to-go-on-that-one."

Lucius sighed. "Fine, Draco..."

***

The Weasleys, Harry and Hermione were just arriving through the gates. Mrs. Weasley, of course, was not staying, but would be picking them up later.

"Now, Ginny, you stay with Harry, Ron and Hermione. Fred and George, you two stay together. I'll be back later, around four...are you listening to me?" Everyone eyes were darting around, bodies shaking with excitement. Must be something in the air, thought Mrs. Weasley. "Now, I expect you to stay together...don't get lost. And I'll be back later to pick you up." And with that, she left.

"The old hag is gone," whispered Fred to George, but George wasn't behaving quite as normal. In fact, he was just standing there, drool coming out of the side of his mouth. Come to think of it, so was Fred. He hadn't said anything, actually, but thought it. He was standing there, motionless, his brain frozen in a sort of Neanderthal level of interest in the things surrounding him.

"Fred, George, are you okay?" The voice was Ginny. "Must be a fun overload, I knew this would happen."

"Probably doing it for attention," Ron whispered. "Hey, gits, if you don't stop now, we're going to go on everything without you."

*What is wrong with my mind?* thought Fred. *No! It can't be! A Stupid-Fun Charm! Enough to turn anyone in an idiot...do the others know? George! George!*

*What is it?* thought George.

*We're stupid!* thought Fred.

*Could have told you that you were,* thought George.

*Shut up.*

*You first.*

*Wait a second...what are you doing in my mind?*

*You called me, didn't you?*

*Come to think of it, I did. I just made a pun. Think of it.*

Both of them laughed mentally.

"Ooookay," said Ron. "We're gonna go, okay? Have fun."

Neither Fred or George said a word.

Meanwhile...

"And that and that and that...oooh and this too!'

Draco was skipping along merrily, redolent to a lovestruck schoolgirl, clasping Lucius's hand as if for dear life. "Draco...can we stop now?" said Lucius wearily.

Draco stopped, staring at his father as if his words had been blasphemy. "Stop? Stop? We're just getting started! Don't sit dooown!"

"But there's something wrong about this place, Draco, " said Lucius. "Something evil...well, a different evil. An innocent evil."

Draco just looked at Lucius. "Does this mean we're leaving?"

"No," said Lucius. "We're not leaving...I just have a unsettling feeling about this place. Too much happiness, goodness, something like that."

Draco stared blankly. "I want to go on that." He pointed to perhaps the world's largest rollercoaster, the bane of many Hogwarts students existence since construction of Wizardland had began, the one, the only...the Dragon's Lair Coaster.

"Bout time you picked something normal," muttered Lucius, having been embarrassed watching Draco and the workers of Wizardland try to stuff him into the kiddies rides. He shuddered as the memory of Draco on a flying broomstick with his legs sticking out at funny angles, yelling and whooping as if he were having the time of his life. It was more than Lucius could bear.

"Can we go on it, can we, can we, can we?"

"Sure," said Lucius, a wicked grin slowly creeping across his face.

Meanwhile...

"Oooh, check this out," said Ginny, beckoning everyone towards a little tent. Laid out were souvenirs for sale. On a table was a bunch of funny-looking sunglasses. Harry picked one up and read: "The Butterbeer Goggles: See the Eyes Through an Alcoholic". He took off his glasses and placed the Butterbeer Goggles on, a bit confused, since Butterbeer was known to be low in alcohol content.

"Whoa," he whispered, catching a glass at the witch behind the tables. She had a long, curvy figure and her full, blonde hair spilled over her perfectly rounded shoulders. He lowered the glasses to get a better look and nearly dropped them in disgust: behind the counter was the epitome of a hag. Scraggly, greasy black and gray hair, warts over her fat face, a stained and ripped robe. He put the glasses on: beautiful woman. He lowered them: a disgusting excuse for a witch. He did those over and over again, comparing the two. Surely this wasn't the woman! Or was it all an effect of the glasses...?

"Oi! Mate! What are you doing?"

Harry turned to the direction of Ron's voice. But Ron wasn't standing there. In place stood a beautiful, red-headed girl, her breasts nearly bursting from her top, her skirt skin-tight. She touched her breasts and blew a kiss at Harry.

Harry, confused yet strangely fascinated, lowered the glasses: there stood the same old Ron, awaiting an answer. Harry brought them up and saw the bosomy girl and brought them down, to see a now annoyed Ron. "Ron," said Harry. "You have to try these glasses. They're amazing!"

"What do they do?" asked Ron, as Harry took them off and handed them over. He read the label. "That's stupid, everyone knows you can't get drunk off of Butterbeer."

"Hous-elves can," said Hermione, gliding over from a table of squeaking frogs (that were actual frogs under a spell). "Remember Winky?"

"How could I forget?" Ron brought the glasses to his eyes. They magnified his eyes significantly, so it looked as though he was wearing a pair of __. "Whoa! Harry! You'll never believe what I'm seeing!"

Stifling a laugh, Harry asked, "What?"

"The ugliest chick - "

Harry's jaw dropped. "What? Give me those!" He snatched them from Ron and put them on and grabbed an "Enchanted Mirror" from a table. He stared into the mirror and was horrified at what stared back. A greasy haired girl with big, thick glasses and acne. "Here, Ron, have them back..." he said reluctantly, handing them over.

"Okay," said Ron, giving Harry an odd look. He put them on and instantly started raving about how beautifult he woman behind the tables was. She rolled her eyes and said, "Look, if you're through playing, can you either buy something or leave?"

Ron, intrigued, bought the glasses and walked out with them, despite the fact that he looked ridiculous.

Meanwhile...

A man was coming around, checking to make sure everything was in place. Lucius had never seen so many seatbelts on a ride before. Three, including the (padded) bar in front of them. He felt a strange little desire to unstrap himself, ran and cower in a corner surface in his mind.

"Draco, are you sure you want to ride this?"

Draco had never been more pyshed before. "Yeah! Of course! It's gonna be awesome!"

Lucius swallowed. "I hope."

The man roughly checked the seatbelts, the stench of his cigar wafting in the air. Draco looked at his through narrowed eyes. "You shouldn't smoke, Mister. It could give you cancer."

The man made a rude sign at Draco when Lucius wasn't looking.

"Okay, everyone has signed the waiver, right? Good. Now, once this starts to go, it can't be stopped, so urges, begs and pleads for it be stopped won't heard, partially over the ride. And if you do loose consciousness, the seatbelts *will* still hold your limp body in. Everyone enjoy the ride."

Lucius felt that little feeling now more than ever. His eyes darted around nervously, as Draco's eyes darted around in excitement. Perhaps this wasn't the best idea, perhaps they should have -

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lucius felt as if his head had been whipped back. The roller coaster took off at lightning speed, pinning both Draco and Lucius to their seats. Screw the seatbelts, gravity was holding them in, because Lucius couldn't even more his finger or his hand.

"Whooooooooo!" Draco yelled, right in Lucius's ear. "Yaaaaaaay! Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Waaa-hooo!"

Lucius struggled to sit up, but the force was too great. And then he felt his stomach gurgling. Oh, no, not now...not motion sickness...

He tried to lift his hand to cover his mouth as he felt the vomit fill his mouth. But it was no use, they were going faster and faster until suddenly Lucius looked around and they weren't even in the park! They were in 1800's London! Dear God, they'd gone back in time!

Lucius would have yelled for the ride to stop, but he remember the man's words and that he would spray those behind him with vomit. So Lucius tried to signal to Draco, tapping him on the shoulder, but Draco, so psyched and excited, just swatted at Lucius to stop.

Then suddenly, everything started to look odd. "What's the matter, lad?" said the leprechaun perched on the padded bar. "Too intese fer ya?"

"I'll say, " said Lucius, his head spinning. "Hey, I can talk!" He leaned down to avoid the duck that flew down the leprechaun's throat, into the universe inside. "Whoa, look at the colors..."

"I'm not wearing any pants!"

"Potter?" Lucius recognized the voice. He looked to see a wiggly, distorted, slightly purple Harry Potter dancing towards him, completely naked. Lucius tried to shield his eyes, but his waffle-fry hands had holes in them. Suddenly, he saw everything in patterns. The big, rolling plaid tongue, the delicious bears, the heart pumping outside of his chest. It was like the time he accidentally did four hits of acid at one time. Just like then!

"Sir...are you all right?"

Lucius looked to see the leprechaun again, having a smoke with the duck, both argyle and very tall. "Sir, are you all right?" asked the duck in a rather authoritve tone.

"Perhaps but can you ask the leprechaun? He really knows what he's talking about..."

"Sir...sir...are you all right?"

Slowly, Lucius opened his eyes and the duck and leprechaun faded away. The ride had stopped and there was a group of people congregated around their seat. Draco was out and looking fairly angry. Lucius looked down. There was vomit covering his robe.

"Sir, are you all right?" asked a wizard standing next to him. "Sir, you passed out on the ride. Are you all right?"

"Yeah," said Lucius. "I'm fine. Does that happen often?"

"Very much so," said the man. Lucius stood up and the man helped from the ride, his hand holding Lucius's a little too tight and a little too intimate. Lucius snatched his hand away quickly.

"I can escort myself down the stairs without any help, thanks," he said irritably. He turned and tripped, slamming down the stairs to the ground below. He felt a searing pain in his back. "Well. apparently, I can't."