The Right Way, The Potter Way

Dear fan fiction writers and subscribers to Witch Weekly,

Sorry to bother you, but when writing fan fiction about me, please remember it’ll be hard work. I am not an easy person to understand. If you fail to understand that, I’m going to have to ask that you clear off for a week until you understand this. Go reread my biographies with your best friend. They have magical abilities and will look after you, cluing you in with their magical properties. I’ll write you a note for your teacher, explaining that you are indisposed, reading. Your teachers will understand and stop looking at me like that! I’m telling you this for your own good.

Now, before I go further into this, I should reintroduce myself to you in case you’ve forgotten who I am. My name is Harry James Potter and I attend the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. Have I told you that my name is Harry Potter? I am not Har, Haarry, or Hairy. Please, don’t call me those names though feel free to call me Potter. Snape does, so I don’t have a problem if you do.

I want you to remember that I am a normal teenage boy with normal teenage boy tastes. (For now, just ignore the fact that many people see me a celebrity, who needs to be protected, and ignore the fact that I am a wizard. Please, remember first and foremost, I am a teenage boy.) I know we’ve known each other a long time, but we’ve avoided this discussion for far too long. My sex life, you guys obsess over it too much. I just want to clarify for you some issues involving my views on sex and relationships. Older women aren’t the objects of my fantasy life. I prefer girls my own age… or girls a year or two older than me like Cho Chang. Now, in case you’re at a loss to what this means, I was born on Sept 1, 1991. Girls, and guys for that matter too, born any earlier than 1983 are way too old for me. Girls born after 1994 are off limits too. This is of course, unless there is a good reason and that reason is developed. Let’s discuss guys. I’m not romantically interested in guys. Ron, he’s my friend and there are vibes between him and Hermoine. Being both of their friends, I wouldn’t make a play for either because I’m not interested in them that way and because I want to ensure my continued friendship with them. I don’t want Draco as he’s an idiot. I have better taste than that. I’m interested in girls, a girl, okay namely Cho. Unless you’re willing to spend the time with me, explaining why I like guys and a particular guy, then don’t pair me with a guy.

What I really want is to not discuss this topic but I’ve read one too many stories in “Witch Weekly” involving my usage of condoms to let this go unsaid. The Weasley’s never talked to me about safe sex. The school I attended before I started going to Hogwarts failed to teach me about safe sex. Muggles in England aren’t good at safe sex anyway. My muggle counterparts have an appallingly high rate of teenage pregnancy because of this failure to learn about safe sex. Now, at Hogwarts, during the first few days of our second year, all second years take a half day class called Wizardly Solutions to Wizardly Physiology. This half day class is taught to all the houses at once, Snape teaching the boys, and McGonagall teaching the girls. The basics of this class are to explain Hogwart’s policy regarding sleeping with fellow students, pregnancy and Wizardly solutions to, well, birth control and contraceptives. There are a couple of spells and two easy to make potions. In short, at Hogwarts, we don’t need condoms. We are careful when we do sleep with members of the opposite sex because becoming pregnant leads to the expulsion of both the mother and father. That’s why you don’t see any pregnant witches wandering around Hogwarts.

Sex at Hogwarts, how does this work? It doesn’t work often as Hogwarts is somewhat enchanted to discourage students from having sex. I know this because Bill Weasley jokes about this “problem” while I was staying at the Weasley’s between third and fourth year. On top of the enchantment issue, there is the lack of privacy issue. You can’t do it in the Common Room unless you’re into group orgies. (Most Wizards are private people. Orgies, as a result, are not things most Wizards engage in.) The girls and boys dormitories almost always have people in them. Other places might be possible but with all the ghosts in the castle, having sex still has the potential to make a wizard into an exhibitionist. It’s just hard to have sex on school grounds.

I like my friends. I value my friends. Come on, fan fiction writers and writers of Witch Weekly, believe that I value them and also believe that I am a normal teenage boy. Being a normal teenage boy, I am not going to tell others all that is my heart to someone I think I love with flowery words, many “I love you”’s and spilling my heart out to strangers. Sure, I might talk to Hermoine and Ron but I won’t tell them everything. That just isn’t who I am.

If you’re stuck when writing about me or going some place new and interesting, and suddenly you see me hop on my Firebolt, this is a clue. It means that you’re headed in the wrong direction with your story. This is my kind way of telling you that your story scares me so much I have to leave so I won’t be connected with your story. I am asking you to stop writing this story for the sake of myself, the honor of Gryfindor, and the pride of Hogwarts. If you still feel a need to write about me, sit down and read some of your favorite books. Do your homework; research. After you have done this, write your story and you’re more likely to find that your story will be given an A if Lupin was grading it.

Thanks very much for reading this.

 

Yours sincerely,

Harry Potter.