If Love is a Game...

Chapter Thirty-Seven

A Secret No More

Sirius sat down at the Gryffindor table with the rest of his friends--except Lorena, who had still been getting ready when he left. It was breakfast time. They immediately began talking about the Quidditch Tournament. Of course, James was looking particularly smug that morning. They were in the lead for the cup; of course he had to look cheerful. In that minute, Krystyna being on the team too didn't matter to him. He was talking about it rapturously.

Sirius merely listened to James, nodding his head when the time was appropriate and saying the occasional "yeah" and "that's right". His mind was wandering off far away to another place. He found himself looking around the Great Hall. The Slytherin table was void of Lucius Malfoy and his little brother, Regulus, was looking sick again. He supposed he ate something that didn't agree with him and then he looked away.

The Hufflepuff table was boring as usual. He momentarily wondered what was good about Hufflepuffs when he remembered that Peter's new--and first (he and James didn't laugh--well, not a lot)--girlfriend was from there. They were kind and trustworthy, he supposed. The Ravenclaw table behind him was giving him a headache, as usual. If the girls weren't talking about school, they were ogling him. He used to soak it up like the sun, but now, he found it annoying.

That's when Sirius's eyes landed on her. She wasn't looking well. She was looking off into the ceiling sky above them in a daze, her wavy black hair disheveled and bags under her eyes. She sort of looked like Remus right before the full moon. She was pale, her eyes glossy. With her chapped light pink lips parted slightly and her face gaunter than it used to be, she looked a mess. And his heart jumped for her still.

He wondered if his glares and his taunts had made her look like that. He wondered if James acting like the most evil guy in the world made her a mess. He wondered if being alone and an outcast made her look like the Hogwarts Express hit her. He wondered if everyone ridiculing her was making her fade away from the world. He supposed it could be all of those things.

She wasn't eating. She didn't eat much, he knew. He'd watch her as she picked at her food and took small nibbles of it. He would see Lorena frown at her and then glower at the Slytherin table, as if it were their fault that she was looking terrible. Right now, she was just staring up into the ceiling, looking as if she was not all there. It was amazing how no matter how bad she looked, Sirius thought she was still one very beautiful girl--a girl that was not with him anymore. He frowned and looked back at his friends.

The Great Hall doors opened and they all halted their conversation short. They looked up at the doors and saw Lucius Malfoy stalking in, looking uneasy. Not a minute after he sat down, Lorena trudged in, looking very surly. She threw her hair back over her shoulders, stopped suddenly, looked up into the sky, and then continued to walk for them. She sat down next to Remus.

"Did he say something to you?" Remus asked almost mechanically. She poured some orange juice into her goblet, looking as if she had not heard him. Then, when he was about to repeat his question, she answered him.

"No," Lorena sighed indifferently, "I said something to him."

"What did you say?" Sara asked quickly. The youngest out of them all looked at her pointedly, looking as if nothing could disturb her. It was another turn of events; yesterday she had been very moody and today she was looking empty again.

"I told him to watch his back," Lorena simply said. James's eyes widened. Lily dropped shoulders and shook her head. Peter sank in his seat. Sirius snorted and continued to eat. Remus didn't change his expression, signaling that he was thinking again.

"One of these days, Lorena, you're going to get called into Dumbledore's office for threatening the life of another student," James muttered, grinning at her. Lily shot him a look that immediately made him cease his grinning.

Lorena shrugged her shoulders. "And I'd just tell him I was warning him of the inevitable," she replied calmly. This time, both James and Sirius snorted and began to snigger. Lily's frown deepened and she shook her head once more. Peter, if possible, sank even lower in his seat.

Suddenly, there was a screeching noise. Everyone looked up, but Lorena, who looked as though she had not heard the warning sign of the morning owls. Lily got her every day delivering of the Daily Prophet, as usual, and James got an encouraging letter from his parents about the Quidditch Tournament.

And Lorena got a long letter from somebody, typically. She read the letter, Remus trying to read over her back, but was unable to do so, as the writing was minuscule. But unlike usual, she didn't suddenly stand up, excuse herself from the table, and walk away while crumpling the paper in her hand. Instead, she folded it up and slipped it into her pocket. She stood up.

"I'll be right back," Lorena sighed, starting to walk away, heading for Krystyna, who had not bothered to read the letter that had fallen in front of her. She just kept looking up at the sky dazedly. James frowned and stood up.

"You're going to have to choose," James called suddenly. She stopped abruptly in her tracks. They had been discussing this topic for a while and had come to the decision to ask her about it. Remus had stayed true to his word and had not told them what Lorena had said. She turned around to face him, her face still very blank and her eyes very empty.

"What?" Lorena asked boredly.

"You heard me, you're going to have to choose--between us and that backstabber," James repeated, his voice suddenly hoarse. He felt uncomfortable to be under her vacant gaze. "You know what she did to Sirius--and all of us--and you're acting like it never happened. You're still standing up for her. Do you not even remember what she did?"

At first, Lorena said nothing. She kept her lips very pursed as she just stared at James silently. He felt that he was beginning to sweat. He didn't like being under her watch. She cocked her head and continued to look at him. He glanced at Lily and Sirius quickly, who were wearing identical looks of confusion.

"Lorena--?"

"I thought you were supposed to be the most brilliant students in Hogwarts--you and Sirius," Lorena blurted softly. "I was told that Hogwarts hasn't seen a smarter pair of boys in a long while. I guess I was told a lie--I guess I thought wrong."

Sirius jumped to his feet while James gawked at her in disbelief. "What are you saying--that we're not smart and just stupid?" he demanded incredulously. She didn't answer him. "We're smart! We are the cleverest students here!"

Lorena suddenly narrowed her eyes at him dangerously and stalked over to him abruptly to get in his scowling face. "Then why can't you see it in her eyes?" she hissed. "Why can't you tell what's going on around you? If you're so clever, then why can't you see something that's been right in front of you for a long time? If you're not thick, then you must be blind."

He glared at her, but then began to doubt himself. She seemed to have snapped. She suddenly closed her eyes and looked at the ground, clenching her fists. She mouthed something and shook her head. She turned around and began to walk away. She stopped and turned around to face them.

"You wanna know something? I mean, it's not something big or anything. It's not like it's a secret or anything, but I think you ought to know," Lorena said. "In my First Year, I was told to do something or face the consequences. Marcus told me that I could only call Lily a 'Mudblood', but I didn't think that that was a nice thing to say. I told him that and he had a fit.

"He told me to come to the Slytherin table if I didn't. And I was afraid that if I didn't, I would get punished and I didn't like getting punished," she said quietly. "I tried calling her that. I stumbled on the word like I couldn't pronounce it. I stopped, embarrassed--and ashamed of myself--and scampered off. I went to the Slytherin table at lunch and, indeed, faced the consequences. Now, those were trivial consequences that I shirk off now... But some penalties are too costly to face."

Lorena turned sharply on her feet and sauntered away from them. She sat down next to Krystyna and nudged her lightly. She looked down at the younger girl with a feeble smile on her face. It was not a happy smile, but one of someone who has about lost their sense of humanity.

Sirius and James sat down in their seats slowly. Remus was still watching Lorena coax Krystyna into eating something. Sirius was thinking, though. He wondered what she meant when she said all of those things. Was... something else going on here? Was there something more to that night in February and why she won't talk to him anymore? He purged his mind for memories.

There was the first day back when Lorena had been looking empty... and then during the day of February Sixteenth... and then everything after that--how Krystyna looked dejected and everything else... and that exploding window... and Lorena's ever changing moods--mainly her empty looks. He wondered if those were all signs of something else. He wondered if there was something else that he was missing. He brooded on her words.

"...but some penalties are too costly to face."

What consequences of what? With maybe some questions answered, many more questions popped inside his head. Sirius now realized he was more confused than at first and now had more questions than he had before. He sighed with frustration and took a drink of milk. Remus suddenly jumped to his feet, startling all of them.

"I'll see you at class," Remus said hastily, gathering his pack and slinging it over his shoulder. They all looked at him bemusedly. "I have to go to the library before classes start. Tell Lorena I said goodbye if you get the chance!" He immediately took off before any of them could bid goodbye. James shrugged his shoulders and continued to eat. Sara and Lily exchanged perplexed looks.

"Er...what was that?" Sara asked, bewildered, scratching her head.

"Oh, you know, Remus," James sighed, looking up at her. Lily and Sara glanced at each other again and then looked back at him curiously. "When in doubt, go to the library."

"It's a habit of his," Sirius added. The girls looked at him quickly. "Apparently, he believes that you can find answers to every question in the world in the library. Hm, if it wasn't for us, he'd be a bookworm that lives in the library."

"What would help in answering questions like these?" Lily pondered out loud. They all shrugged their shoulders carelessly. She exhaled loudly and then looked back at Lorena giving Krystyna a very weak smile. The blonde looked very tired and down.

It must be hard standing up for something alone while everyone looks down on you for doing it. It must be tiring to do something alone, Lily thought despairingly. It must be hard trying to save a girl who's falling apart.

~*~

A few nights later, and Sirius was still busy reflecting on what Lorena had practically spat at him in his face. It just wasn't making any sense to him. He couldn't figure it out. It also didn't help that it was around midnight and he was trying to study for the N.E.W.T.s ahead of time with his lit wand and Remus and Peter asleep in their beds at the same time. Thunder rolled along, signaling a storm coming.

He couldn't think about what Lorena said and his schoolwork at the same time. He couldn't think about anything really. He sighed and shut his book. He sat it on the ground and pulled some Jelly Dogs out as quietly as he could. He'd put a Silencing Charm on them. He remembered that these were the last things Krystyna had bought him, but he hadn't thrown them away. He might as well eat them and not waste them, he supposed. He opened the baggie.

Suddenly, Padfoot Junior, his black puppy pounced on his bed, scaring him half to death. He almost jumped out of his socks. The puppy wagged its tail and licked him on the face innocently before sitting down, panting. He knew what it wanted; it wanted a piece of candy. Sirius contemplated whether he should give his dog one or not.

Krystyna gave him this puppy too. But Padfoot Junior was not something he could just get rid of. He was a living, breathing animal and he had grown too attached to him. The dog was like family to him now. And he didn't want to get rid of him. Professor McGonagall had been on his hide when he had brought him to Hogwarts, but he had somehow convinced her to let him keep the puppy here.

He'd gone through a lot with this dog, too. When he was too angry or sad to talk to James or the rest of them, he'd lie on his bed and talk to Padfoot Junior, who would bark in agreement or whimper to comfort him. He was there for him no matter what happened. He was a good consoler too, he noted.

Sirius smiled at Padfoot Junior and held out a few Jelly Dogs in his hand for him. The puppy sucked them into his mouth like a Muggle vacuum. He ate a few of them himself and sealed it back up, putting the rest back in his trunk so his puppy wouldn't eat the rest of them like he had done with his last bag.

Padfoot Junior sat back down and stuck his tongue out, wagging his tail on the bed. He just stared back into Sirius's eyes with his own dark brown ones. The dog pulled its pink tongue in its mouth. Sirius stuck his tongue out at his dog and his puppy copied him. He grinned and rubbed its nozzle. They stared at each other for minutes.

"You want to go outside and play, don't you?" Sirius blurted out bluntly. Padfoot Junior jumped onto all fours, his tongue hanging low and his tail wagging so fast that it was a blur. The boy grinned and scooped up his puppy in his arms suddenly, the pup not even fighting with him. "You like to play at odd hours, Junior, you know that? Hm, yes, I know, so do I and that's the way I like it. It's more exciting being outside in the middle of the night when you're not supposed to be."

Padfoot Junior neither barked nor squirmed in Sirius's hold; it knew when the appropriate times to bark and squirm were and this was neither of those times. Cautiously, the black haired boy snuck their way outside of the castle and onto the grounds without getting caught. It was always great fun.

Once outside, Sirius set Padfoot Junior down on the ground and looked around to make sure that they were alone and no one was watching them. He looked back at Padfoot Junior and grinned, holding up one finger telling him to wait for a second. He transformed into his Animagi form, a big black dog. This always got the younger puppy very excited and he began to run around the bigger dog, Padfoot, boisterously. As usual, they began to romp around the grounds of Hogwarts.

After around just fifteen minutes of joy, something came to Padfoot's ears. He stopped abruptly. Padfoot Junior halted immediately after seeing the bigger dog stop. There was a noise; it was a voice--somebody was also outside, talking to someone else. Padfoot silently stalked closer to the voice and then found the source of the voice--a girl in Hogwarts uniform and black hair was talking to herself out loud.

His heart stopped when he recognized the girl. Padfoot transformed out of his Animagi form quickly and jumped behind a stone pillar. Padfoot Junior followed his suite. Sirius peered at the girl from behind the stone pillar. It was Krystyna. Why she was outside talking to herself at this hour was beyond him.

He thought about leaving--he felt like he was intruding on her privacy or something--but then reminded himself that he had every right to stand here and listen. It wasn't eavesdropping if he had accidentally stumbled near enough to hear what she was saying. Therefore, he stayed where he was. He stood and watched her closely. Padfoot Junior sat down and watched, blending in with the darkness of the night in his black fur and small size.

Krystyna was in her Hogwarts school uniform, robes and all. She wasn't really walking around. It was more like walking in circles, talking to herself out loud. In reality, she was waiting for it to rain because then no one would know if she was crying or not, and talking just seemed to pass the time. She didn't talk about anything random. She'd thought she'd confess out loud again--give it another shot. After all, she really couldn't feel much of anything now.

She spun around in circles with a smile on her face, getting dizzier by the second. The world around her was a blur so she couldn't see the moon reflect off of the puppy's small eyes. She closed her eyes and continued to talk out loud. The more Sirius listened to her, the more he felt as if she had lost all sanity inside of herself.

"...mmhm, I'm a good girl because I followed the rules. No one got hurt--no one got killed. Hm, I know, I'm not with Sirius anymore, but I suppose his safety is more important than my happiness. Yes and there's Lily's safety and we can't forget Sara, James, and Remus..."

My safety? Everyone else's safety? What is she talking about? Sirius thought confusedly. And what's this about people getting hurt or killed and what about this "following the rules" thing?

Krystyna spun around some more. "But I think Samuel and dad were wrong. I don't think I'll like it--stuck with Malfoy and all. It's not very pleasant. Lorena's my best friend; I don't want to be her cousin by a marriage. But that's not my choice, is it? Pity, I wouldn't have chosen to marry him..."

Sirius's heart jumped into his throat suddenly. She didn't want to marry Lucius Malfoy? Her brother and her dad said that she would like being married to Lucius? Pieces were slowly falling together. It was suddenly starting to make more sense.

"I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't cheat on you, Sirius. Why would I do that? That's sort of stupid, if you ask me. No, no, I didn't want to kiss Malfoy; it was quite disgusting. I had to though. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was lost before you and you found me again. I was the happiest when I was with you. You were more than I really deserved, you know that? If anything had happened to you, I would never have forgiven myself. I still love you. Pity, you won't hear that either..."

His stomach did a somersault and he thought he might fall over from fainting. She didn't cheat on him, but she had to kiss Lucius? He--he was still loved by her? He sank to his knees, still watching her. All of the things he said to her... all of the cruel words... the pushes... the glares...

Oh my... oh no... No, how could I have done that to her? No, no, no... Why did I do those things? Sirius thought, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. This is not supposed to happen. I can't hear this. I can't--but I must.

Krystyna gave another wan smile. "Mmhm, that's right, I still love you, Sirius. The only reason I had to act like I had been cheating on you was because if I didn't break your heart so badly that you couldn't seen the reasonable explanations, you would've been hurt--or Lily, James, Sara, and Remus. Now, I didn't want you to get hurt or killed so I did just what Samuel and dad told me to do. They have connections, unlike yours, Sirius. They have connections because they're Death Eaters. Yes, Death Eaters, I have Death Eaters for a father and an older brother--wonderful examples."

Sirius thought his heart stopped for a minute or two. His jaw just dropped, staring at her with much disbelief. Samuel and her dad were...

Death Eaters?! They threatened her. They told her that if she didn't dump me really badly, they would murder one of us--and they could and would do that. So that means she did this...for me--for us all. She would live a miserable life so we would live. Oh, how could I be so thick? She's living such an unhappy life because of me. This is my fault. She's here because I said all of those nasty things to her. And James...he didn't make it any better. And...Lorena?

"But being that the clueless girl she is, Lorena stumbled in on Samuel and my dad talking to Marcus and her uncle, who just so happen to be Death Eaters too. She found out. She wants to tell someone so badly, but I made her swear that she wouldn't. If I told anyone, you would get killed and I didn't want that to happen at all. So please don't be too harsh on her; she's just being a great friend. She's really angry with Malfoy and her family. You don't know how sad it makes me to see her like this. She thinks it's her fault that I'm depressed. It's not. She couldn't do anything about it. And it's not your fault either. I knew that you would be very angry and I knew James would be cold. I knew, but I persisted anyway."

Oh, no, that's why Lorena continued to act nicely at Krystyna. She knew. And that was what she meant this morning. We were so blind. It was all right in front of us! I knew that they desperately wanted her to marry that git! I knew! Sirius reprimanded himself in his mind angrily. She's been dropping hints around everywhere and we still couldn't figure it out. Maybe we are thick. And that's why Lorena is changing moods so quickly; she's mad at herself--her family--Krystyna's family--Malfoy. And we told her to choose sides this morning when she's been on our side this entire time.

Krystyna stopped spinning in circles when lightening cracked above them and thunder retaliated almost immediately. The storm was right above them--and right in front of him. He stood up, still watching her keenly. Her head drooped and she frowned, tears beginning to leak out of her eyes.

"So, I just wanted to tell you, Sirius, why this is all happening. I do love you and I'm sorry I had to put you through pain that I don't want you to go through. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I just wanted you to be...safe and live. Please, just move on. I'm not worth your hate. Please don't waste your anger on me. I don't deserve it..."

"You're very right; you don't deserve my anger and hate," Sirius blurted out, leaning against the wall of the castle. She gasped and whipped her head in his direction with wide eyes, her hand at her mouth. "You deserve compassion and care and kindness. You deserved to be loved."

"S-Sirius...?" Krystyna stuttered weakly. He wiped away his own tears. A few light drops of rain began to fall on top of their heads.

"You deserve to be loved by someone better than me, I know that much," Sirius sighed, not looking at her anymore. "God, I'm so sorry for all of the things I said to you. My guilt and regret is immense that I can't even tell you how sorry I am. I ruined your life. You said that you still loved me and I pushed you around, saying hateful things to you. I hate myself for doing that to you.

"You don't deserve to have those things said to you. You threw away all of your dreams and all of your happiness away for your friends' lives. And that is something only someone who loves someone so much will do," Sirius whispered. "I dashed your hopes away of a silent, sad life by shoving you around and James saying all those malicious things to you. I feel like...crap. I feel just as bad as Samuel, your dad, Marcus, and Lorena's uncle."

"Y-you're not like t-them," Krystyna stammered, looking down at her feet. "You're better than them. You should have been angry at me. You had every right to be, after all. You didn't know. You thought that I had been cheating on you. You didn't know any better."

"But I should've know, Krystyna," Sirius cried painfully in a barely audible voice, looking at her with tearful green eyes. He shook his head at himself. "I should've known. I should've seen it. It was so simple to see, yet I didn't see it. None of us did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't say how sorry I am..."

He had walked over to her. He was now standing in front of her. She was looking down at her feet, tears blurring her vision. He rubbed his nose and shook his head. It was killing him, seeing her like this and knowing that he had helped her get this bad. And she hadn't even done anything. They say that there are victimless crimes. Sirius knew this was a downright lie. He had done a crime. He had hurt her when she had done nothing in reality--and she was the victim.

"I hurt you...and I didn't want to, but when I'm depressed, I resort to anger," Sirius whispered, tears dripping down his face. She didn't answer, but let her own tears fall to the ground with his. "There were times when I wanted to hold you again because...I'm not over you. I missed the way you fit into my arms so perfectly. I missed your smile. I missed your laugh. I just missed you, Krystyna..."

She looked up at him and into his eyes. She looked so desperate to find some light in this dark tunnel she was in. He felt like he was a thousand miles away from her at that moment. He reached out of her and she just looked back into his eyes. As soon as his fingers touched her cold cheek, it began to pour like there was no tomorrow. And she just came crashing into his chest, wrapping her arms around him and sobbing like mad.

He put his arms around her and his head on hers. He didn't care that he was getting completely soaked and that he might get sick later. He didn't care about anything. He was no longer cold. She felt the warmth coming back to her as she sobbed into his robes that were getting wet from both her salty tears and the fresh rain water. And suddenly, he found tears also streaming down his face in the rain as they both sank down to the ground.

It felt like a good release. It felt good to be able to cry. It felt good to have that shoulder finally--and it was Sirius's shoulder too. She rubbed her face in his robes again as he held her closely in the rain, crying along with her. He didn't know why he was crying. He supposed that he just felt so bad for hurting her and he had missed her so much that he was sobbing. He knew that she had been in so much emotional pain and maybe she had missed him too.

They just sat there in the rain, sobbing like mad--Krystyna and Sirius. For once in their life, they didn't feel embarrassed to be crying out loud. They just clung to each other tightly. No one would know. They wouldn't know and nobody would find out. She forgot that she couldn't be seen with him in public at that moment. And he forgot that his life was in danger. He wouldn't have cared anyway if he had remembered because he felt that Krystyna's happiness was more important than his life. He knew both of them would have been miserable without the other. They cried in the rain together.