If Love is a Game...

Chapter Thirty-Four

Isn't It Ironic?

"Sirius, where are you taking me?" Krystyna had no idea where she was going. It was the night of her birthday, and Sirius had insisted on doing something special for her. He was standing behind her with his hands covering her eyes, guiding her somewhere in the middle of the night.

"You'll see when we get there," Sirius said gently in her ear. She felt as if she were walking up stairs and sort of felt uncomfortable walking up stone steps with somebody shielding her eyes, whether that somebody was Sirius or not. She had one hand raised to grip onto his arm and the other hand wandered out to the side or in front of her. Her fingertips grazed the stone wall lightly.

"What if we get caught?" Krystyna asked him anxiously. "It's so late."

"You're the Prefect," Sirius merely replied. She frowned and sighed. She was never going to get an answer out of him; she might as well just wait and see. There was a creak, like the sound an old door makes when it's pushed open, and then a light burst of wind, like when you first walk outside.

She now knew that they were, indeed, outside. She just didn't know where. She could feel strands of her hair slid across her face and eyelids and her skirt press against the side of her right leg. She didn't even have a jacket or robe on. The wind was like a cold knife to her cheeks and nose; they were cold. She could almost feel her nose reddening. She felt like shivering, but wasn't really in the position to do so.

"Sirius..."

"Open your eyes," Sirius whispered faintly, his voice being carried off into the wind. His hands slipped from her eyes and down onto her shoulders. She opened them to see what possibly the most breathtaking view in the world was. They were standing near the edge of the North Tower.

Krystyna could just make out the dark outline of the trees the consisted of the Forbidden Forest. There was a faint glow from Hagrid's hut. The most spectacular thing was the lake. The reflection of the half moon in the dark sky flooded its light in the water. Ripples here and there occurred on the water from the giant squid. Above them and over the trees was the midnight sky, littered with glittering stars. Maybe if they were lucky enough, they would see a comet dancing its way across the night sky.

"It's beautiful," Krystyna said in amazement. She turned around to face him, her face glowing from pure excitement. "Thank you, Sirius, thank you!"

She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly, a huge grin on his face. She turned back around and he wrapped his arms around her. They stood there together, swaying in the wind like two dandelions entangled.

Sirius raised his hand and pointed at a star in the sky. "Look; it's Sirius, the Dog Star, the brightest star in the sky!" he told her, pointing it out to her. "It's me..." She looked up and sure enough, she saw the most dazzling star. A warm smile tugged at her lips.

"Are you sure it's the brightest star out there?" Krystyna teased jokingly. He dropped his arm, but was still looking up to it serenely.

"It's gotta be," Sirius said smoothly. "It's me. And we all know I'm the brightest student in Hogwarts."

She chortled and rolled her arms, smiling broadly. He grinned at her.

"Right..." Krystyna sighed, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "And I'm secretly, madly in love with Malfoy."

Sirius tried to look as though he were hurt by the comment. He huffed and shook his head. "You make it sound so impossible!"

They laughed together and then let silence take over them. They just stood there together in a blissful silence. Sirius broke the silence first. "You look a little chilly," he said with a grin. "Here, take this."

From behind his back, he pulled out a knee length black jacket. She smiled and thanked him again, pulling him into another warm hug. He helped her slip it on and she immediately felt warm. She didn't know if it was possible for her to get any happier. He enveloped her in a soft, gentle kiss.

"Happy birthday, Krystyna," he murmured against her lips.

~*~

Krystyna woke with a start in the morning. She opened her eyes and sat up, her heart racing faster more than thought by any means possible. She had her hand pressed where her heart should normally be, but she felt like it was in her throat at the moment. The dormitory was filled with light. It was Sunday and had to be past eleven o'clock in the morning. Nobody else seemed to be in the room.

She briefly wondered why nobody woke her up before she moved to get out of bed and saw that she was still wearing her robes. She was still wearing her school robes. Then, the events of last night came pouring into her mind like a bad dream. Tears suddenly filled her eyes. She'd forgotten. Sirius hated her now; and her life was demolished.

Krystyna looked up and was startled to see Lorena sitting on her own bed Indian-style with her back slumped and her elbows propped up on her knees with her chin resting in her hands, staring intently at her with empty grey eyes. Krystyna looked down at her blanket; she had hoped to be alone. At first, they were both silent. Lorena said absolutely nothing and didn't even move.

"You didn't come back until late last night," Lorena finally blurted in a strangely empty voice. It actually alarmed Krystyna to hear her friend sound like that again. "You did it last night, didn't you?"

"Sirius hates me. He hates every single piece of me. And he's got every right to hate me," Krystyna whimpered weakly, bringing her knees up to her chest in a pitiful attempt to keep herself together. Tears were pooling in her blue eyes. "He felt so betrayed. I couldn't dare look at him. I couldn't even speak to him. He was so hurt. You should have heard him..."

"I did. I was awake when you came in and you just passed out," Lorena replied in a voice that was void of any emotion. "I got up and went to sit in the common room. Sirius was screaming at the top of his lungs at Remus and Peter in their dormitory."

Krystyna looked down and began to slowly rock back and forth, a few tears staining her cheeks. "Maybe I really do belong in Slytherin, just like he said. I'm just like them all. He deserves better than someone like me. I'm just... pitiful."

Lorena suddenly gave a chuckle that was very unlike her - it was rather cold, but kept to a minimum. She shook her head, a wan smile on her face. "Oh, no, we all know who the snake in disguise is here," she chuckled rather unhappily. "You don't belong in Slytherin. You're a Gryffindor at heart, Krystyna."

"What are you talking about?" Krystyna asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes at her friend. She gave another one of those awkward laughs. She took her chin off of her hands and sat up straight.

"C'mon, it's nice of you all to act like I'm just like you, but we all know that if one of us had to be in Slytherin, it would be me," Lorena told her. Krystyna gaped at her, even more shocked. They did not act that way. Or did they? "Hey, the Sorting Hat was almost begging me to say Slytherin, but I really wanted to go to Gryffindor..."

They sat in silence. Krystyna couldn't stand to look at Lorena so she turned her head away, large tears wetting her white pillow. She felt too ashamed to look at her in the eyes, but it wasn't like she wanted to look her in the eyes anyway. They were empty again and she hated it when she was like that. It meant she was truly unhappy. Krystyna felt like she was too dirty to even face her.

"I'm sorry," Lorena suddenly blurted out in a hollow voice. Krystyna forced herself to look at her to find that she was leaning back with her hands propping herself up on the bed hard, looking over to the window where the sunlight was coming from. "I'm truly sorry. No good can come out of my family. They may only be my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but they're my family. My mum and dad...they know I'm no Fawcett because I'm not like them at all. But they know that I'm more like my mum - more like a Malfoy. For Heaven's sake, Selena, Malfoy's mum, is more of a mum to me than my own! I see her more and I spend my time over there more than at my own house. So in a twisted way, my family has ruined your life; and I'm sorry that I did nothing to stop it."

"Lorena, there was nothing you could do about it and you know it," Krystyna told her firmly, though she was not sure if Lorena was paying attention to her or not. "I will not have my now only friend drown in her own pity party!"

"I'm not having a pity party for myself. I hate pity. It'd be kind of ironic, wouldn't you say?" the blonde sighed vaguely. Krystyna snorted; her entire life was ironic. Then, she felt mad at herself for doing it. She looked back down at her feet again.

"Would you get irritated at me if I told you I was a pitiful girl that has no life of her own?" Krystyna said in a barely audible whisper. Lorena didn't look at her still. Krystyna figured that when she didn't answer, she was saying no. She looked at the door. "I feel like a new fallen leaf in the autumn that's being pushed around by the fall wind, having its course paved by the wind with no choice of its own. If it wants to stay in a certain spot and the wind blows, it has no choice but to sail away... I have no choice but to tread the thin path my family gives me, the fork in the road is not there anymore. The path on the left is closed and out of bounds."

There was a bit of silence between them. Krystyna wasn't sure if Lorena heard her, but she said nothing to prompt her out of her reverie. She seemed deep in thought about something and she felt that it would be rude to take her out of it. And the heavens knew that she shouldn't do anything rude or bad anymore.

"I've thought about it, you know. I've wondered how it got to this - how it got this far - how it got this severe. I remember when I was just six years-old I used to listen to the adults talk about what our futures were going to be. I'd forgotten about it almost," Lorena said abruptly as a shadow fell over them because a cloud was covering the sun. "I was determined to do the exact opposite of what my mum and dad said I would become when I was adult like them. I used to leave and sit somewhere alone so I could think. Now, there's nowhere I can hide to sort out my thoughts alone. They crowd your thoughts constantly, trying to peer into your life.

"Our parents, they're determined to make us better than themselves. This always makes me mule over one simple question: Why us?" she continued slowly. Krystyna looked over at her quickly. "Why are we the ones to break the cycle? Why are we the ones to break tradition? Why are we the ones who do not agree with what has been passed down from generation to generation? Did something go wrong? Is there just something wrong with this generation?

"Or" - she looked back at Krystyna in the eyes - "is there a greater purpose in this? Maybe this isn't a mistake or coincidence at all. Maybe this is fate. Maybe we all are like this for a reason. Maybe we're all in Gryffindor for something. Maybe this is happening to make us stronger. Perhaps I followed Malfoy and Marcus into that Muggle alley before my Third Year because it would shape our future."

Krystyna never knew that Lorena was so physiological, but she wasn't really in the mood to ponder at the moment. Sobbing into her pillow seemed more appropriate to her. She just wanted to be left alone, but Lorena wasn't done yet. She knew that Krystyna wanted her to leave, but she wasn't about to do that just yet. She wanted to at least be some type of friend.

"Sirius comes from a Muggle-hating, cold, pureblood family that he hates and forced him to do the Dark Arts at some time in his life; and James comes from a Muggle-liking, warm, pureblood family that he likes and despises the Dark Arts. Yet they've become the best of friends - positively inseparable. Remus is a very quite, studious, genuine, sweet guy; and Peter is a quite and usually clueless boy while Sirius and James are the most noisy and unruly jokesters in all of time, but they're the Marauders - the four boys that keep this place up and aware.

"You, unfortunately, also come from a Muggle-hating, pushy, pureblood family that has forced you to turn down love and go in a direction you do not wish to go; and Lily is a Muggle-born witch that is full of kindness and care. Yet you immediately attached to each other, the best of friends. Sara was the quiet, rational pureblood girl that kept you and Lily at bay when you got angry at Sirius and James. I came from a high profile, snobby pureblood family that wanted me to follow in Marcus's footsteps and that tempted my temper innumerous times and I was silent the First Year, but Second Year you three became friends with me. I got super loud and was temperamental; yet Sara - my exact opposite - Lily - my trustworthy conscience - and you - my understanding - stayed with me.

"And our groups bumped heads every other hour at least twice. Why is it that in our last year when Lily and James begin to grow onto each other that we melt into one large group? Why is it that this is also the year that your parents are fed up and you find love? There's something else going on here, I know it."

"So do you know what's going to happen?" Krystyna questioned, sounding colder than she wanted to sound in actuality. She tried to tame it a little. "Am I going to live the rest of my life in misery with Malfoy, fathoming on what could have been? It's just one big, awful coincidence. If this was all fate, then I don't see why to go up to all the trouble with winding around."

Lorena shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno," she replied. She fell back onto her bed and heaved a heavy sigh. "Personally, I was never good at making predictions in Divination, except when I made it all up. Fate's a tricky thing, Krys. It doesn't go in straight lines; it likes to curve around and befuddle us stupid humans. It's very...paradoxical."

"You're not helping me," Krystyna said flatly, looking back down at her feet, "but I don't care. Thank you for at least trying, Lorena."

Lorena gave another careless shrug. "I didn't expect to give you any comfort in this dark time, Krys," she admitted distantly. "I was never one to be able to console others. I just wanted to give hope, and maybe it's false hope I'm giving you. Possibly, I'm leading you blind into a pit of disappointment. I don't know. I was never one to guide people either. Perhaps, I'm following blind, pointless hope and I'm just another one of those hopeless cases. Perhaps - probable - but I don't care. I'd rather be a hopeful, hopeless case than a hopeless, hopeless case, wouldn't you say?"

"I've lost all hope, Lorena," Krystyna replied truthfully, picking up her pillow and holding it tightly against her chest. She peered at her from over the top of the white pillow, staining it too with tears. "There is nothing left in my life to hope for. I've lost it all."

"Possibly," Lorena merely said. There was another round of silence. Lorena was staring at the lit up ceiling emptily, seemingly feeling numb to all grief. She supposed that she would only sound like this when she was numb again. Krystyna continued to soak her pillow case with tears of despair.

"Where are the others?" Krystyna asked to break the silence again.

"They could be outside, trying to have the last snowball fight of the year with slush. They could be doing homework in the common room or in the library. They could be bickering about you in the hallway" - at this, Krystyna looked at Lorena sharply with tearful eyes, but she wasn't paying attention - "but they're most likely eating lunch together in the Great Hall."

"Talking about how terrible I am?" Krystyna spat and then choked on a sob.

"It's probable," Lorena said emotionlessly again. A few more tears fell out of her eyes. "Sirius won't let you live this down, Krystyna. He's going to be extra hard on you and hateful. I won't be able to stop him from doing everything. His words will be sharp and he might hex you."

"I know," Krystyna whimpered, nodding her head.

"Are you ready for that?" Lorena asked quietly. "Are you ready to see the dark side of Sirius Black that maybe only a few people have witnessed? Are you ready for emotional pain and snide comments from the one you care about the most?"

Silence fell over them like a blanket and Krystyna buried her face in the pillow when she choked on another sob.

"No," Krystyna whispered truthfully. She began to cry a little, but stopped herself short before she got to the point where she would never stop and flood the dormitory with bitter tears. She raised her head out of her pillow and a few of her tears slipped across her lips. They were salty. She wondered if she would ever be ready to see Sirius again and be ready. It would be like these tears. It would be like pouring salt on a fresh wound. She immediately turned off the tears.

"How long have you been here?" Krystyna asked feebly. "How long have you been waiting for me to awake?"

"Since I woke up around eight," Lorena sighed, sitting up. "Sara told me she had to finish up some essay, and I told her to go ahead without me. Jessie and Marissa left around ten. I didn't want you to wake up alone. I thought you might need someone to talk to."

"Yeah, you were right," Krystyna replied weakly. "You're probably hungry. You should go on to lunch now before they get to wondering."

"But you should eat - "

"I'm not hungry," Krystyna said honestly, looking her squarely in the eyes. "You should go now. They're probably wondering if I murdered you or something along the lines."

"Are you sure?" Lorena looked a little uneasy.

"Yes, now go to lunch. I'm sure you're hungry." Krystyna tried to pull of look that gave the appearance that she was okay, but she was sure it was quite faulty because of the narrowed, skeptical eyes Lorena was showing. However much she wanted to protest, she knew that Krystyna would not let in. She sighed and got up from her bed. She slipped her shoes on and looked at her.

"If you want to talk again, just look for me wandering the halls, thinking of ways I can kill Malfoy and make it look like an accident," Lorena said seriously. It was the seriousness in her voice that alarmed Krystyna again, but she nodded her head anyway. That was their goodbye. She walked out of the room slowly and shut the door behind herself, leaving Krystyna finally alone.

Krystyna fell back onto her bed, her head smacking into her other pillow. She just lied there, sprawled on her bed and falling into what she called the "Bottomless Pit of Despair" for she would just keep falling forever until she gave into the sweet release of death. Suddenly, dying seemed pretty appealing to her, but she particularly didn't want to kill herself. The thought made her queasy; mental pictures of someone finding her lifeless body on the floor with her wand clutched in her hand tightly and then screaming was flashing through her mind. She thought she might retch.

And then, when the promise of forever silence overtook her finally, she felt that it was appropriate that she might weep for what she had lost. She didn't just lose Sirius. She lost her life - all of her dreams of what she wanted to become - her friends, and maybe even her little brother.

It just went to show that one small kiss could ruin a lifetime.

~*~

"I can't believe she would do something like this..." Lily muttered under her breath, staring off somewhere in space.

Sirius had just told them what he saw and he was not looking happy at all. Actually, he was looking positively livid and his face was contorted with fury. James was scowling now and he was looking rather grumpy. Peter was true to his nature and stayed looking very confused. Remus was thinking, as usual, about this. How could Krystyna do such a thing? That just wasn't her. He knew - he just knew - that she was afraid of Lucius Malfoy. How could she just change overnight a few weeks ago?

Lily didn't seem to want to believe what she had just heard. Sirius must've saw wrong - heard it wrong. It could not have happened. It just couldn't happen. Krystyna wasn't like that. She hated Malfoy. Sara was in a state of horrible thoughts. If she had cheated on Sirius, she probably wouldn't be hanging around them anymore. She had lost a friend to an enemy. The world was turning upside down.

"Traitor! She's a narking traitor, Melanie is!" James suddenly blurted, pounding his fists on the table fiercely. Lily jumped up and out of her reverie. She looked over at James quite shocked. He was very tense. "Something like this always happens."

"I don't g-get it," Peter stammered bemusedly, looking up at Remus, who solely had not been interrupted by James's angry outburst seconds ago and was still thinking hard. "She-she doesn't sound - act -like the person who is a traitor."

"That's exactly the people you should watch out for!" James exclaimed madly, restraining himself from pounding his fists on the table again. Lily put her hand over one of his fists to try to calm him down. He took a deep breath. "She's always told us how she hates her family and how they want her to marry Malfoy. She appeared to be so trustworthy. Now me, I'm dishonest. And you can always trust me to be dishonest. It's those honest ones you have to look out for because you never know when they're going to do something incredibly...stupid."

"Are you trying to imply something, James?" Sara questioned suspiciously, looking at him dully. He ignored her question. There was silence between the six of them. Remus unexpectedly gave a thoughtful sigh that lasted quite a bit. They all looked up at him. He was looking up with a hand at his chin.

"What is it, Remus?" Lily asked curiously.

"Something...something just doesn't seem right," Remus said vaguely. They waited for more to come from him, but he said nothing else.

"Well, of course it doesn't bloody well seem right!" Sirius yelled, outraged. "She's been cheating on me with Malfoy! I don't get cheated on! And definitely not with Malfoy! If that seems right, then I don't want to know what seems wrong!"

"No, no, something just doesn't feel right," Remus replied calmly, waving his hand in the air dismissively to calm the raging Sirius down. Apparently, it wasn't working that well because Sirius fell down to his seat and became fuming, raving angry things under his breath. "I feel like we're missing a piece to a puzzle."

"What else is there left to piece together?" Sirius demanded. "I wasn't good enough for her so she went crawling to Malfoy. Maybe next she'll go to Severus Snape." He snorted and shook his head.

"Well, I think that Krystyna is just the beginning," James said darkly, leaning in. Everyone else, but Remus, who was still thinking alone, leaned in to hear James when he lowered his voice. "There's now somebody else we should be on the lookout for. I'll bet you anything that next is Lorena - "

"What about me?"

Everyone whipped their heads around to see Lorena meandering her way over to them slowly, her face void of any expression. Remus was snapped out of his reverie and stared at her. She stopped when she was close to them and put her hands on her hips.

"What about me, James?"

"Bloody hell, do you have extendable ears or something?" James demanded, surprised. "I was whispering when I said that."

"I'm sorry, but there's no such thing as extendable ears - just yet," Lorena replied calmly. "Now, are you going to answer me or what?"

"Nothing, I was just asking where you were, that's all," James lied smoothly. She rolled her eyes at him and shook her head. He narrowed his eyes at her. "What?"

"You were not. I heard you say, 'I'll bet you anything that next is Lorena.' What am I next for?" Lorena smirked at him when he looked surprised yet again. He said nothing at first. He merely stared at her, his brain shifting information and words around slowly. She waited for her answer patiently.

"Do you know what your other friend was up to last night?" Sirius suddenly questioned calmly, looking up at her strangely. She didn't say anything yet. She simply looked over at him. "I caught her snogging your dear cousin, Lucius Malfoy!"

"No way, really, she did that?" Lorena said impassively, looking not blank, but uninterested. They all took this as a real shocker. They glanced at each other and then stared back at her. She put her hands in her pocket slowly.

"She's been cheating on me with Malfoy for a few weeks now!" Sirius exclaimed. "Don't you find that angering at all? Your friend is dating your most hated cousin on the sly from us all?!"

"I find it...arduous," Lorena sighed weakly, her grey eyes empty. Lily glimpsed at Sara and the two girls connected eyes. They looked back at Lorena worriedly.

"You find this tiring?" James replied incredulously, his eyebrows disappearing into his mess of unruly black hair. She nodded her head slowly and he shook his head. "You're hopeless."

"Sorry to disappoint you, James, but I already knew that," Lorena informed him without emotion. Sirius cocked his head as he watched her.

"You already knew she cheated on me, didn't you?" Sirius said in a barely audible whisper, glaring at her with a rising heat in his eyes. "You didn't have to have me tell you because you already knew." There was silence.

"Yes, I knew," Lorena said unresponsively. Everyone raised their eyebrows. "But I didn't find out until this morning. I was still awake when she stumbled into the dormitory, her face looking as those she had stuck her head in a stream. I couldn't sleep so I went to sit in the common room and I heard you screaming at the top of your lungs at Remus and Peter. I asked her about it this morning and she burst into hysterical sobs, choking out everything."

"And you pity her?" James spit out disbelievingly. "You actually pity her for doing this to Sirius? Do you know how crushed he is?!"

"I don't pity her, James. I don't pity anyone," Lorena said soullessly. They all gaped at her in disbelief and wondered if she might be going crazy finally. "I hate being pitied and pitying someone. To put it simple, I hate pity. I always have and I always will."

"So you don't feel sorry for Sirius?" James demanded.

"Do you want the truth or a lie?" Lorena asked him, directing the conversation in what they thought was a completely different direction.

"Well, of course-of course, I want the truth!" James said loudly. She was testing his patience, which was not a very good thing to do. The few people who'd done it before regretted it soon after. She thought her words over good.

"I would 'feel sorry for Sirius' if some smoke and mirrors were true and others weren't," Lorena replied distantly, watching them all as if they bored her. They just gaped at her.

"It would be better for us, if you made some sense, Lorena," Sirius grumbled under his breath. She narrowed her eyes at him dangerously.

"It would be better for us, if some of you weren't so blind, Sirius," Lorena snarled. She then raised her voice and said, "I've just figured out that I'm not as welcome to have lunch here as I used to be and it also seems that my appetite has left me. If you need me, I'll be wandering the hallways alone, thinking of some of those smoke and mirrors."

She turned sharply on her heels and started to walk away from them briskly. Remus grasped her wrist and she spun around to face him. He looked at her pleadingly. "Lorena, please..."

"I'm sorry, Remus," Lorena whispered. "There are some things that aren't meant to be told that I really want to shout out. I seem to be saying that a lot: I'm sorry. And I am. See you around." He let her wrist slip out of his loose grip when she turned around and walked away. She disappeared through the Great Hall doors.

"Now she, she's a tricky one that girl. She's trustworthy - yes, she is - but she's not. She's honest - true, she is - but she's not. You can't trust her to be dishonest or honest. She jumps the line that separates the two of them," James noted, watching the doors shut behind Lorena. "Those smoke and mirrors she was talking about...she slides through them smoothly, but she's here with us. I don't whether she's on our side or not - if she's good or bad - Light or Dark. In a strange way, she's both. And those people, those are the real people you want to look after."

They talked about it no more. Remus sat down next to Peter and they let the silence envelope them. This was unlike anything they had encountered. James grumbled something under his breath and his head slammed against the table abruptly. He didn't raise it back up so Lily became concerned. This was definitely not going to go well. Sirius glared heatedly at a sneering Lucius sitting at the Slytherin table. Krystyna was nowhere to be found and he liked it like that.

If there was one thing in the world that bothered Sirius right at this moment, it was the one thing that angered him the most. It was that even though he knew Krystyna had been cheating on him with Lucius Malfoy, she still had his heart in the palm of her hand. He still cared about her deeply. And it irked him to the high Heavens and low Hell.