Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Demise

Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Demise

# 19 Scores of Harry Potter fans trample him in a rampage after reading Goblet of Fire (and Order of the Phoenix).

Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic, was stressed. Actually stressed isn't quite the right word - on the verge of screaming like a raving lunatic was more like it. He'd had a disastrous morning, where nothing had seemed to go right. And worst of all, his hat had been destroyed in a botched up assassination attempt by an unknown assailant. The deceased hat was now buried in a private resting place; Fudge hoped it reached hat heaven all right. Still, he was having trouble composing himself - his grief was simply too great. He needed something to calm him down.

Ah! he thought to himself, I know just the thing!

He crossed the room rather quickly to the portrait of Oswald the Obese that directly faced one of the large windows on the far side of the room. Oswald grinned at him whilst in the middle of gorging himself on a roast dinner, Irish style. His enormous plate was laden to overflowing with a large roast chicken, mashed potato, fried potato, baked potato and peas. Fudge felt faintly sick at the sight and reminded himself yet again to remove it as he swung the painting on its hinges, revealing the secret vault just as Oswald helped himself to a large tankard of Butterbeer and burped unceremoniously.

Fudge drew his wand from within his robes and performed a complicated spell to disarm the wards. Twiddling his fingers, he impatiently wrenched the door open just as it had begun to open of its own accord, and rummaged about in the space until he found what he was looking for. Hurriedly, he uncorked the bottle of red currant rum as the vault door closed by itself and the portrait swung back to its original resting place. Putting the bottle to his lips, he downed the precious alcohol like a man dying of dehydration, moaning contentedly.

He almost choked as he caught sight of the left hand door opening a crack and a head with bright red hair and horned rim glasses peering around its edge. It turned out to be none other than Percy Weasley. Fudge skilfully hid the bottle, now only a quarter full, behind his back, as the boy's eyes settled on Fudge, who coughed slightly and looked flustered.

Ah, young Weasley, Fudge thought as he motioned for Percy to come in. The boy shook his head.

'Minister Fudge, Mr Malfoy is still waiting for you outside. He says it's a matter that you will find "most interesting".'

'Thank you, Weasley,' Fudge replied. 'Tell Mr Malfoy I'll be with him in a moment.' Percy nodded and closed the door as quietly as he had opened it.

As soon as he was sure Percy wouldn't return, Fudge pulled the bottle from behind his back and took another hasty swig. Lovely boy, he mused. Too bad he's the spawn of that Muggle lover. He was really quite wise to break off all contact from his family. God knows they have enough children to contend with - they probably don't notice they've lost one! Fudge smiled to himself and downed the rest of the bottle, fully recovered from his mini-nervous breakdown. He found if he didn't think about the deceased hat, there would be less of a chance of him bursting into tears. Banishing the bottle, he strode to the door and opened it, calling out to Daisy Stapleton, his personal secretary, who sat at her desk at the end of a short hallway from his office.

'Daisy? You can tell Mr Malfoy I'm ready to see him.'

'There's no need,' drawled the voice of Lucius Malfoy. He rounded the corner from the waiting room and came into view, 'I'm here.' He turned to Daisy, who was filing some documents. 'Thank you for the lovely cup of tea, Mrs Stapleton.'

Daisy looked up from her filing. A domineering woman who could have given Minerva McGonagall a run for her money in ferocity and fashion sense, she gave Lucius a stern nod.

Lucius turned and walked down the short hallway lined with portraits of past Ministers, several of whom scowled as he walked past. Fudge opened the door wider to let Lucius in and, closing the door, led him to a purple-upholstered chair in front of his desk.

Lucius sat down, playing absentmindedly with the head of his cane. Fudge sat in his chair behind his desk, fiercely wishing he had his hat on him. Although Lucius was here for a man-to-man chat, in actual fact, it was a man-and-hat-to-man-and-cane chat. Either way, Lucius Malfoy was the wizard with the funkier fashion accessory, and Fudge felt rather put out by it.

'So, Lucius, what can I do for you?' he said, lacing his fingers together and placing his elbows on the desktop.

'Well,' Lucius began lazily, 'it's only a short visit, Cornelius; I'm off to Diagon Alley for a spot of shopping with Narcissa and Draco - Draco has had a large growth spurt over the year.' His eyes wandered over the room, hovering for a moment on Oswald the Obese, who had begun piling his plate with éclairs, puddings and trifles. 'I was down there yesterday, in fact,' he continued, bringing his attention back to Fudge, 'when I spotted something rather interesting in Madam Malkin's - needless to say she was rather surprised when I decided to buy it ...' He trailed off, watching the portly man intently.

'What did you buy?' Nothing caught Fudge's attention more than a good buy at Madam Malkin's.

Lucius tossed his long blond hair over his shoulder and smiled at Fudge, though the expression of warmth didn't quite reach his eyes. He reachedinto his robes and drew out a medium-sized package wrapped in brown paper. 'Here it is,' he said. 'Take a look for yourself.' He smiled again, clearly amused.

Fudge eagerly grabbed the package from Lucius' outstretched hands and tore the wrapping. He gasped in surprise and held the item out in front of him.

'Do you like it, Cornelius?' Lucius asked, turning his attention from the flabbergasted man, frowning as he thought he spotted a split end in his glorious curtain of hair. He moved into the light for a closer examination.

'Like it?' Fudge gushed, astonished. 'I love it!' He stared in amazement at the lime-green bowler hat in his arms. He looked up at Lucius. 'Lucius, you shouldn't have!' Lucius smiled distractedly, still engrossed in his hair.

Fudge gave a delighted cry and tried the hat on, jumping up and staring at himself in a mirror behind his desk. It was a perfect fit! This hat was the most beautiful, the most exquisite of all he had ever owned. He would keep this one in perfect condition, he vowed.

A noise behind him brought him out of his trance. Lucius, having finishing his study of his white-gold tresses, stood and prepared to leave. He smoothed his tailored black robes and held his cane in the crook of his arm.

'Leaving already, Lucius?' Fudge asked, dismayed.

'Yes,' Lucius replied, 'I'm due to meet Narcissa and Draco in,' he looked at his watch, 'ten minutes.'

'Oh, ok then,' said Fudge. 'Send Narcissa my regards!'

'And the same to your good wife,' Lucius replied, nodding courteously.

Lucius walked himself to the door leaving Fudge to fuss over his new hat. The new hat made Fudge forget about the one that had been damaged that morning, as he spent the rest of the day parading in front of the mirror, trying out different poses. He eventually decided that the jaunty angle look suited him best and wore it thus as he Apparated home. Needless to say, his wife, Mary-Sue was unimpressed to discover the existence of a new hat, and did the only thing she could think of -

She raised her wand she kept beside her. 'Accio Harry Potter fans!'

In an instant, Fudge was surrounded by a sea of disgruntled sneering faces. There was nowhere to turn - the number of fans extended to four villages beyond his home - and that was when they stood tightly packed together. There was a loud rumbling sound as the mumbling crowd parted and two girls stepped forward. The walls vibrated from the magnitude of the low murmurs.

'Cornelius Oswald Fudge,' the first girl announced, 'you are hereby condemned for the crimes of ...' She trailed off, looking at her companion. 'Where's the list of crimes, Panderia?'

Panderia pulled a thick folder from her backpack and started to thumb her way through it. 'Lalia sent it to me this morning. It should be here ... somewhere.'

Auror_Lib sighed exasperatedly. 'And where is Lalia Gariv?' she asked in annoyance. 'How typical - I knew she wouldn't be bothered showing up!'

'Yeah, she explained why when she owled me earlier - said a plot bunny attacked her,' Panderia supplied. 'You know how they are, nasty, pointy teeth and all ... Oh, here's the list!' She pulled out a plastic slip crammed with pages marked "Fudge: Not to be Confused with Confectionary."

Auror_Lib took the proffered slip, impatiently yanking the papers from it. 'Ah, here. Ahem. Cornelius Oswald Fudge, you are hereby condemned for crimes against one Harry James Potter -' (there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the surrounding crowd) '- one Albus Brian Percival Wulfric Dumbledore, one A-' She paused, flipping through the bundles of pages in her hands. 'Well, generally against the entire Wizarding World,' she finished succinctly, tucking the pages away.

Fudge stood, dumbfounded to say the least. Sweating profusely, he took his bowler hat off his head, and held it tightly to his chest. No way in the world was he going to give up his precious!

'This is a waste of time!' someone in the crowd yelled. 'Let's get the git!'

'YEAH!' the crowd agreed all the way to its perimeter miles away.

'Wait!' Panderia cried out, holding up a hand anxiously. She paused as the crowd stared at her in astonishment. 'I have something to say to Fudge.' Auror_Lib gave a puzzled glance as Panderia walked over to Fudge. 'Down on your knees,' she commanded. Fudge was too terrified to resist. She grabbed his robes and shoved up the sleeve of one arm. 'This is for being an evil git who wouldn't believe Harry in Goblet of Fire!' she declared, and gave him a Chinese Burn.

'ARGH!' Fudge screamed in agony. The crowd whooped and cheered. Auror_Lib, a sly smile on her face, decided to follow Panderia's example. She walked up to Fudge and prised the bowler hat from his rigid fingers.

NO!' Fudge screamed. 'Not my new hat! Anything but my new hat!'

Auror_Lib simply grinned evilly. 'This is for being a git and a sodding twit in Order of the Phoenix!' And with a tightly clenched fist, she punched a large hole through the top of the hat. She held it in the air above her head as the crowd applauded wildly.

'NO!' Fudge wailed, sobbing uncontrollably.

'Now,' Auror_Lib addressed the crowd, 'it's your turn - get him!'

With a resounding roar the crowd lurched forward and Fudge was trampled upon in a frenzied rampage.

Miles away from the happy lynching, in 12 Grimmauld Place, London, Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, the eight Weasleys (bar Percy, of course), and other visitors to the headquarters crowded themselves around the Palantir Dumbledore had borrowed from his friend, Gandalf, watching the scene with unconcealed delight. Harry turned around to face Dumbledore.

'More happy customers,' the wise old man said happily. 'What's next on the list, Harry?'

Harry skimmed down the parchment he held in his hands entitled '50 Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Death'. 'Umm, I think number 1's coming after this one,' he said. He looked up into Dumbledore's care-worn face. 'How on Earth does he keep on resurrecting himself?' he asked. 'He's worse than Voldemort!'

'Yes, indeed he is,' Dumbledore replied. 'That's politicians for you. This is a prime example of the wizard Machiavelli's Resurrection Spell being abused. Don't worry, Harry,' he reassured him with a benign smile, 'we still have forty-four more to go.'