Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Demise

Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Demise

#10 He is put on the stake for being a git

(an amended version of the original which was to be for witchcraft)

INT - HOGWARTS - DAY

[Footsteps in the Entrance Hall grow steadily louder. The distinct sound of a person singing off-key floats through the air]

FUDGE: [singing to the tune of 'The Lumberjack Song'] I'm the Minister and I'm Ok, I've a bowler hat and a Chevrolet! [FUDGE pauses] Hmm... now... which way to Dumbledore's office! Ah, yes, this way! [FUDGE walks up the stairs] My, what's this? [FUDGE bends down to pick up a miniature hour glass, suspended on a gold chain]

[Close up to the hour glass. It reads "Temporal Twisters"]

FUDGE: Oh, how pretty! Dolores would love this! [FUDGE places it around his neck and notices a small button on the side, and presses it out of curiosity] Aack!

[FUDGE disappears]

[Stifled laughter is heard from behind a nearby suit of armour]

[The suit of armour falls over, revealing FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY, who are visiting Hogwarts in order to test their newly manufactured product. Both are shaking in fits of laughter]

FRED: I can't believe the git fell for it!

GEORGE: What do you expect? He is a git!

FRED: Too true. Serves him right for what he did in Order of the Phoenix!

GEORGE: You can say that again!

FRED: Too true. Serves him right for what he did in Order of the Phoenix!

[GEORGE groans and pokes his twin]

GEORGE: So, what time did you set our new and improved Time Turner to?

FRED: A time where I think dear ol' Mr Fudge will have VERY good time...

[FRED and GEORGE cackle mischievously]

[FADE OUT]

EXT - FOREST IN MIDDLE AGES - DAY

[There is a loud thump as FUDGE falls flat on his face]

FUDGE: Wha- Where am I?

[FUDGE peers around nervously, and picks up his bowler hat which has fallen off his head]

[A rustling sound is heard from the nearby trees]

FUDGE: Wh - Who's there?

[An extraordinary tall KNIGHT dressed in black comes out of the trees, followed by a small crowd of similarly dressed KNIGHTS]

KNIGHT: We are the Knights who say... 'NI'!

FUDGE: Excuse me?

[The tall KNIGHTS look at each other. One of them pulls out a script. They mutter incoherently]

[The head KNIGHT turns around to face FUDGE]

KNIGHT OF NI: Ahem. Sorry, wrong scene.

[KNIGHTS OF NI disappear into thin air]

[FUDGE stares around in confusion]

[An evil cackle echoes from the heavens]

[A man who looks strikingly like an older version of HARRY POTTER, except a lightning bolt scar and dressed red and yellow peasant clothes, appears out of nowhere]

FUDGE: Oh, Harry! Finally, a familiar face!

MAN: I'm not Harry. Who is this Harry?

FUDGE: Just a boy I ... Are you sure you're not Harry Potter?

MAN: No, I am William Potter. [Stares at FUDGE suspiciously]

[FUDGE finally notices that WILLIAM POTTER is wearing an unusual ensemble of clothing]

WILLIAM POTTER: Who are you?

FUDGE: I-I... I'm from the future, I think.

[WILLIAM POTTER frowns, then grins as a realisation dawns on him. He pulls out a piece of parchment from his pocket and reads it]

WILLIAM POTTER: You wouldn't be Cornelius Fudge by any chance, would you?

[FUDGE looks slightly flustered]

FUDGE: Why yes, I am. How did you know?

[WILLIAM POTTER'S grin widens]

WILLIAM POTTER: We've been expecting you.

[WILLIAM POTTER pulls his wand from his pocket and shoots red sparks in the air]

FUDGE: Oh really? Well, I'm quite flattered that you're expecting me... but who told you I was going to be here exactly?

[FUDGE pauses as a group of ten people materialize out of nowhere]

WILLIAM POTTER: Oh, just the Author. Now, Minister Fudge, please come with us.

[Before Fudge can reply, he is grabbed by a red haired man who looks uncannily like RON WEASLEY and a plump man who resembles NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM. They take his wand, the time turner and his hat from him]

FUDGE: My hat! No! Not my precious! Precioussssssssssssssssssss!

[FADE OUT]

EXT - VILLAGE - DAY

KNIGHTS OF WALPURGIS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

[bonk]

Pie Iesu domine...

[bonk]

...dona eis requiem.

[bonk]

Pie Iesu domine...

[bonk]

...dona eis requiem.

(A/N: In the Jeremy Paxton interview of 19^th June 2003, JK revealed that the Death Eaters were once called the 'Knights of Walpurgis'. I just like to imagine them whacking themselves with wooden planks.)

CROWD led by WILLIAM POTTER: A git! A git! A git! A git!

KNIGHTS OF WALPURGIS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...

CROWD: A git! A git! A git! A git! We've found a git! A git! A git! A git! A git! We've got a git! A git! A git! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a git! We've found a git! A git! A git! A git!

[CROWD deposits FUDGE onto a platform where ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE, a man who could possibly be ALBUS DUMBLEDORE'S twin, is standing]

WILLIAM POTTER: We have found a git! May we burn him?

CROWD: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: How do you know he is a git?

RICHARD WEASLEY: He looks like one!

CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Bring him forward.

FUDGE: I'm not a git. I'm not a git.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Ah, but you are dressed as one.

[FUDGE looks down at his clothes]

FUDGE: But, I always dress like this!

CROWD: He does! He does!

FUDGE: I WANT MY HAT BACK!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Well?

WILLIAM POTTER: I found him wandering in the forest, like we were told he would be.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: The forest? Like the Author told us in the note?

WILLIAM POTTER: Yes. He was wearing the lime green bowler hat, too. He's a git!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Yeah!

CROWD: Let's burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

[ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE sees FUDGE crying piteously over his hat]

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Did you take his bowler hat?

WILLIAM POTTER: No!

RICHARD WEASLEY and OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: No. No.

RICHARD WEASLEY: No.

WILLIAM POTTER: No.

RICHARD WEASLEY and OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: No.

WILLIAM POTTER: Yes.

RICHARD WEASLEY: Yes.

WILLIAM POTTER: Yes. Yeah, we did.

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: We did.

WILLIAM POTTER and RICHARD WEASLEY: We did.

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: We did

.

WILLIAM POTTER: We did take his bowler hat.

[WILLIAM POTTER produces a lime-green bowler hat from behind his back and hands it back to FUDGE. FUDGE cradles it lovingly]

RANDOM: [cough]

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: What makes you think he is a git?

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: Well, he turned me into a twat.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: He turned you into a twat?

[OSWALD LONGBOTTOM glances around shiftily]

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: I got better.

RICHARD WEASLEY: Burn him anyway!

WILLIAM POTTER: Burn!

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn him!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a git.

WILLIAM POTTER: Are there?

RICHARD WEASLEY: Ah?

WILLIAM POTTER: What are they?

CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Do they hurt?

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Tell me. What do you do with gits?

RICHARD WEASLEY: Burn!

WILLIAM POTTER: Burn!

CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: And what do you burn apart from gits?

WILLIAM POTTER: More gits!

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: Shh!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Wood!

[An angry cry rises from a VILLAGER who could pass as an OLIVER WOOD. He is carrying a broomstick and polishing it lovingly, and is surrounded by many adoring village girls]

SAMUEL WOOD: Hey!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Oops, I mean... parchment!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: So, why do gits burn?

[pause]

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: B--... 'cause they're made of... parchment?

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Good! Heh heh.

CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: So, how do we tell whether he is made of parchment?

WILLIAM POTTER: Build a paper house out of him.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Ah, but can you not also make paper houses out of Exploding Snap cards?

WILLIAM POTTER: Oh, yeah.

RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Does paper sink in water?

WILLIAM POTTER: No. No.

RICHARD WEASLEY: No, it floats! It floats!

WILLIAM POTTER: Throw him into the lake!

CROWD: The lake! Throw him into the lake!

FUDGE: But I can't swim! And this suit is dry-clean only!

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Quiet you. What also floats in water?

WILLIAM POTTER: The giant squid!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Rats!

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: Uh, lots of toads!

WILLIAM POTTER: Pumpkin juice!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Uh, ma - maroon jumpers!

WILLIAM POTTER: Owls!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Dirt!

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: Uh, Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

RICHARD WEASLEY: Wands! Wands!

[Out of the shadows, a tall, stately old woman wearing a tartan cloak, with her hair styled in a meticulous bun, steps forward]

ATHENA MCGONAGALL: A swallow!

CROWD: Oooh.

[ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE nods approvingly]

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Exactly. So, logically...

WILLIAM POTTER: If... he... weighs... the same as a swallow... he's made of paper.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: And therefore?

RICHARD WEASLEY: A git!

WILLIAM POTTER: A git!

CROWD: A git! A git!

MICHAEL BROCKLEHURST: Here is a swallow. Use this swallow.

WILLIAM POTTER: Is it African or European?

MICHAEL BROCKLEHURST: European. African swallows are non-migratory.

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the git! Burn the git! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...

ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE: Right. Remove the supports!

[whop]

[clunk]

[creak]

CROWD: A git! A git! A git!

FUDGE: W - Wait a minute! Those scales were uneven! That's not fair...

OSWALD LONGBOTTOM: Burn him!

CROWD: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn! ...

FUDGE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What did I do to deserve this?

[The CROWD disperses. The only ones left are ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE and ATHENA MCGONAGALL]

ATHENA MCGONAGALL: Ah! I need to get out of this disguise!

[ATHENA MCGONAGALL swishes her wand over herself and is revealed to be FRED WEASLEY]

FRED WEASLEY: Come on, George!

[ABRAHAM DUMBLEDORE imitates the previous wand movement, to be none other than GEORGE WEASLEY]

[FADE OUT]

EXT - VILLAGE COMMON - DAY

[FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY join the CROWD, who have tied FUDGE to a stake]

[A guitar suddenly appears in FRED WEASLEY'S arms]

FRED WEASLEY: Cheer up Fudge. You know what they say.

[FRED strokes a chord on the guitar]

FRED WEASLEY: Cheer up Fudge. You know what they say.

GEORGE WEASLEY: Some things in life are bad.

FRED WEASLEY: They can really make you mad.

GEORGE WEASLEY: Other things just make you swear and curse.

FRED WEASLEY: When you're chewing on life's gristle,

GEORGE WEASLEY: Don't grumble. Give a whistle.

FRED WEASLEY: And this'll help things turn out for the best. And...

[WILLIAM POTTER lifts a flaming torch to the dried wood surrounding FUDGE'S stake]

FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY: [sings] Always look on the bright side of life. [whistling]

CROWD: Always look on the bright side of life. [whistling]

FUDGE: [oblivious to the singing] This can't be happening! I'm Minister for Magic!

MARY BONES: You're not Minister for Magic; you're a very naughty boy!

[FUDGE screams as the flames start to creep up to him]

CROWD: Always look on the bright side of life. [whistling]

[CROWD continues to sing, drowning out FUDGE'S screams. They light their wands and sway from side to side]

[FADE OUT]

EXT - FOREST - AFTERNOON

FRED WEASLEY: Well, that's what I call a job well done!

AUTHOR: [grins omnisciently] Yes, very good job, boys.

[FRED WEASLEY pulls out a "Temporal Twister", slips the chain around his and GEORGE'S necks and presses a button]

[FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY disappear]

[There is a rustling in the nearby shrubbery]

KNIGHT OF NI: Hey, wait! What about our scene? You promised! You...

[FADE OUT]