Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Demise

Ways in Which Cornelius Fudge Meets an Untimely Demise

#31 By being the complete git he is

One bright, beautiful, sunny, gitless day, many, many years ago, Cornelius Fudge was born. This same day, coincidentally, the Git Meter soared to an all-time high. However his parents, the delightful Mr. and Mrs. Fudge, disregarded this, as they believed that no child sprung from their loins could possibly be a git.

Those poor, poor, disillusioned parents.

Fortunately for Fudge, his gitish tendencies never appeared during childhood. In fact, he was quite popular. A recent Magical Scientist issue printed an article by the renowned G.I. Tee, a leading expert on the 'Git Phenomenon', as it has been coined. After a 10-year research study, Tee found that the emergence of the 'git' was linked with the purchase of a specific item of clothing, in particular lime-green bowler hats. He also discovered that teaming this ludicrously coloured hat with a pinstripe suit, scarlet tie, long black cloak and purple pointed boots increased the level of git potential, and thus he acknowledging the existence of the 'quintessential git'.

Fudge didn't stand a chance.

Fudge's gitish nature surfaced in his early teens, while shopping with his girlfriend, Florence, in Diagon Alley. Walking past Madam Malkin's Robes for Every Occasion, he spotted something that only a person with a fully receptive git radar would pick up. There, almost hidden from view in a dark, dusty corner of the shop, Fudge spotted a hat. A bowler hat. Dyed lime-green. All this while on the opposite side of the street. It was love at first sight. He directed Florence into Madam Malkin's and bought it immediately.

Florence was disgusted. 'God, you're a brainless git!' she hissed, and stormed out of the store. Before she disappeared in the milling crowds, she added, 'And I will never, EVER, go with you behind the greenhouses ever again!' For the next week, Florence waited for Fudge's owl, but it never came. She spent the following month in tears as she realised her soul mate was a git. She was so distraught that she left from the Wizard world, and currently lives in seclusion in the Muggle city of York, along with many ghostly companions.

Fudge, on the other hand, had embarked on a love affair with his new hat. It wasn't long before he had purchased the entire git ensemble. It was only a matter of time, really. His parents died of shock and dismay - a common complaint from the families of gits. They had had no idea their beloved, popular son was a closet git.

His journey to become head of the Ministry is an interesting tale, which sparked an inquest into blatant favouritism within the Ministry, as it has been revealed recently that the past three Ministers for Magic had themselves been closet gits. The Minister for Magic Fudge succeeded, Mr. Julius Lease, saw the git potential in Fudge when he first arrived at the Ministry, and so promoted him to the position of Junior Minister. The rest, as they say is history. Or, as they say in git circles, the rest is git history.

This fine day, although very much git-filled as it was Cornelius Fudge's sixtieth birthday, seemed no different from any other gitingly spiffing day. Fudge had sent off a battalion of owls earlier that morning, reminding everyone that it was his birthday. It was now 5pm and not one person had replied. A knock on the door brought him to attention. It was Ludo Bagman.

'Good day there, Fudge, my friend,' Ludo burst out cheerfully. 'I was in the area, so I just thought I'd drop by.'

'That was very nice of you, Ludo, but as you can see, I'm quite busy.'

'Ah, the Git Convention. When does that begin again?'

'Next week. They've asked me to give a speech.'

'That's wonderful! Well, I'd better be off - going to Madam Malkin's to buy my first bowler hat!'

'That's 'git-tastic', as we say in git circles. Good luck, Ludo. Don't forget - it's lime-green, not purple. Poor Dedalus Diggle had quite a hard time remembering that.'

'I won't. See you at SOCKS tomorrow!'

Oh yeah, Fudge remembered. Society of the Childlike Kindred Spirits is tomorrow night. Humph, he added, that git of a Magical Games and Sports Minister didn't even remember my birthday. Well, I guess the Git must definitely be with me! Ah, dinnertime! And off he headed to his favourite burger place in Muggle London, which, incidentally, was owned by a fellow git from SOCKS. Crossing the busy Muggle road outside The Leaky Cauldron, Fudge forgot the most important road rule - look right, look left, look right again before you cross the road.

The truck driver from Grunnings' Drills slammed on the brakes but it was too late. 'What a complete git!' he exclaimed, and promptly drove off.

And so, before I leave you to return to your thankfully gitless lives, I hope you learned a very important lesson from reading this - always obey Muggle road rules.