Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Five Line Challenge

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Five Line Challenge

Chapter 1: The Worst Birthday

Harry: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me... Hey, why are there large, green freaky-looking eyes in the hedge? It's alive! Alive!

The Dursleys: Harry, just in case you've forgotten, we hate you. And important people are coming over, so go to your room and conveniently not exist.

*Harry is glum and angst-filled*

Harry: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me...

Vernon Dursley: Oh, go eat some worms and get over it, you freak; it's time for the first plot development!

Chapter 2: Dobby's Warning

Harry: What's a weird-looking CGI animation with freakishly large green eyes doing on my bed?! Who are you?

Dobby: Dobby, sir. Dobby is very annoying. Dobby has a secret to tell Harry Potter, but if Dobby tells Harry Potter, it won't be a secret anymore. Dobby makes lots of sense. Dobby wants to stop Harry Potter from going back to Hogwarts!

Harry: You've got to be kidding me. You can't even speak English properly, you scary little elf-man!

Dobby: Dobby does not kid, sir. But since Harry Potter has mocked Dobby's English, Dobby will drop a dessert on a defenceless Muggle and let Harry Potter take the blame, making Harry Potter look mentally unstable, sir!

Harry: I'd like to see you try! *Dobby drops the sugared violets on Mrs. Mason* D'oh!

Chapter 3: The Burrow

Ron: *arrives to the theme of 'Back to the Future'* Harry, wake up! I'm here with Doc's DeLorean... I mean, Dad's magically-enhanced Muggle Ford Anglia!

*at the Burrow*

Harry: Ron, you have the coolest house!

Ron: Thanks! Uh oh, here's comes the rampaging dragon! Oops, I mean, MUM!!!

Molly Weasley: *glares at Ron and the twins with the fire of a thousand volcanic eruptions* I am SO MAD at the lot of you, so I will YELL at the TOP OF MY VOICE! Now, GO and DE-GNOME the garden - if you leave ONE gnome, JUST ONE, I'll HEX you into NEXT YEAR! Harry, dear, you're TOO SKINNY. Let me FEED you! *turns back to her sons with a murderous glare* This is ALL your FATHER'S fault!

Ginny: I have a crush on you, brave, valiant Harry Potter, although you can't tell, I hope! *runs off in a cloud of girly giggles*

Chapter 4: At Flourish and Blotts

Harry: Damn Floo Powder! I said DIAGON Alley not KNOCKTURN Alley! Geez, it's not like they sound the same... *in Flourish and Blotts* Malfoy, you're such a git! Stay away from us, Devil Incarnate! *somehow gets a hold of a cross* Out with you, Evil Demon! Leave this young boy's soul in peace!

Draco: Nice try, Potter. If anything, I'm a bad influence on the demon! Besides, if you think I'm bad, you should meet my father!

Lucius Malfoy: Hello, I am Lucius Malfoy. I am rich and dashingly handsome. Swoon before me, mere mortals! Behold: the magnificent, the irresistible, the infamous... Pimp Cane! Weasley, you and your fluffy plugs suck! Hello there, Weaslelette, I'm dropping a Very Evil Secret Diary into your cauldron. Pay no attention because it will have no bearing on the plot. Good girl *grins evilly*

Arthur Weasley: That's it, Malfoy! You can mock my family, but insulting my fluffy plugs is the last straw! Take that! *they fight* You fight like a girl, Malfoy!

Lucius: No! Not the hair! Don't touch the hair! OUCH!!! Damn you, Weasley! I just had this blow dried!

Chapter 5: The Whomping Willow

Harry: Ron, the magical entrance to Platform 9 ¾ is sealed! No! *starts hitting the brick wall with Hedwig's cage* Let me in! I'm the main character of this series!

Ron: Don't worry, Harry! I'll just borrow Dad's car; Mum and Dad won't notice. It flies, goes invisible and the horn plays a really cool tune - and don't worry, no one'll see us! *the Invisibility Booster carks it* Damn. Oh well, at least nothing else can go wrong! * they hit the Whomping Willow, which is so excited to have new playmates that it hits back * Damn you, Murphy's Law!!!

Snape: This is it Potter - it's expulsion for you! My dreams are finally coming true! Yay! *does a 'Harry Potter is Getting Expelled' jig*

Dumbledore: Get a life, Snape. If we expel Harry, that's the end of the series. And then where will you be?

Snape: Oh woe is me! My plan to expel Harry Potter has once again been thwarted! Damn you, J.K. Rowling!

Chapter 6: Gilderoy Lockhart

Ron's Howler: WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE CAR WITHOUT US NOTICING, YOU STUPID GIT! DO IT AGAIN AND IT WON'T JUST BE YOUR WAND THAT'S BROKEN! Love, Mum.

Professor Sprout: This is called a Mandrake. It is also known as a plot device.

Justin Finch-Fletchley: Hi, I'm Justin Finch-Fletchley and I'm a Hufflepuff Muggle-born. This will be important later.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Hi, I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, your new DADA teacher. I'm a git - and an annoying one at that! Proceed to swoon as I glide my way gracefully down the corridor! Oh, it's so much fun being a fake! ... Um, did I say that out loud? Ah, Harry, ol' buddy! Do you mind if I try to take the spotlight from you, and use your fame to promote myself? Thanks. Run! The pixies are on a sugar high!!!

Hermione: I love you Gilderoy, you stud muffin you!

Chapter 7: Mudbloods and Murmurs

Draco: I am so rich that my father bought my way onto the Slytherin Quidditch team, seeing as I have no actual talent. Now, allow me to introduce an important wizarding term: Granger, you're a Mudblood! *grins evilly, but not as evilly as Lucius*

Ron: Shut it, Hermione, this is my line. Ahem. A Mudblood is a nasty name for a Muggle-born witch or wizard. Now, let me belch slugs all over the place! Ah, what you do for the honour of your lady... um, I didn't say that!

Harry: *at detention* Ugh, Lockhart's fan mail. Dear Gilderoy, I love you so much! Take me now! Love, Gladys Gudgeon. Eek, is she for real? *shudders* Huh? Is that a mysterious voice I hear that no one else can? Oh my god! I'm schizophrenic!!!

Gilderoy: You're a loony! Leave now - it's time for me to curl my hair.

Ron: I spent four bloody hours cleaning trophies. I tell you, I will never forget that Tom Marvolo Riddle won an award for Special Services for the School in 1943. Actually, I will.

Chapter 8: The Deathday Party

Filch: I'm a squib, that's why I hate all of you students. But I have Kwikspell! Now we'll see who's magically-impaired!

Nearly Headless Nick: Hey Harry, please come to my Deathday bash! You'll be the life of the party!!! I am five hundred years dead. Disregard the fact that I said I was turning four hundred in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - I failed Basic Mathematics when I was alive.

*at the Deathday party*

Moaning Myrtle: Hi, I'm Moaning Myrtle. I'm a ghost and I live in the second floor girl's bathroom. I'm also a paranoid manic depressive. Stop making fun of me! I want to dieeeee!

Harry: Ok, time to go. Nick wasn't kidding when he said we'd be the life of the party *follows the mysterious slithery voice and finds a Petrified Mrs. Norris* Cool! Uh, wait a sec, this is bad, isn't it? Geez, why does everything always happen to me?

J.K. Rowling: Because I say so. It's not called the 'Harry Potter series' for nothing!

Chapter 9: The Writing on the Wall

Filch: Rotten students... think they can do whatever they like! Potter, you dirty rat! You killed my cat! You will pay dearly, for what you have slayed so freely!

Harry: Who knew Filch was a budding poet? Don't quit your day job.

Dumbledore: Mrs. Norris has been Petrified, something she has been in dire need of, in my opinion. Come on, who likes a cat that tattles on everyone? By the way, I'm the most powerful wizard in the world, but I will let twelve-year-old Harry save the day. Did I say that out loud?

Professor Binns: There were four founders: Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw and Salazar Slytherin. Slytherin threw a hissy fit because he was racist and the others weren't, so he built a secret chamber that houses a monster. Not that the nonexistent secret chamber will play any part in this plot. Disregard the fact that it's half the title of this book.

Hermione: Ron, Harry, if you think Malfoy's the Heir of Slytherin, which is way too obvious so he probably won't be, why don't I make a Polyjuice Potion? We can go into the Slytherin Common room, find out all his dirty secrets, and work out, once and for all, Blaise Zabini's gender! Once again, I display my nauseatingly overwhelming genius.

Chapter 10: The Rogue Bludger

Harry: Argh! There's a Bludger after me! Now I have a chance to show off my fantabulous flying skills! Watch the fan girls swoon! *catches the Snitch and is knocked off his broom by the Bludger*

Lockhart: I'm an incompetent and deluded fool. Let me mend your broken arm!

*Lockhart replaces Harry's once functioning arm with a rubber glove*

Madam Pomfrey: I am not impressed. Now, drink the foul, acid-like potion like a good boy.

Dobby: It was Dobby behind the bludger, Harry Potter, sir. Dobby is jealous of Harry Potter's fan girls. Dobby wants fan girls now! Harry Potter must leave Hogwarts, he must, lest Dobby sends ALL the Bludgers after Harry Potter! *grins mischievously, but no matter how much we want to believe, Dobby will never be evil. Damn little wrinkled computer animation!*

Dumbledore: Hogwarts' resident photographer/Harry stalker has been Petrified. This signifies that the chamber that does not exist has been opened. Again. Bet you didn't see that coming. Did you get all that, Harry?

Chapter 11: The Duelling Club

Harry: Hey, let's check out the Duelling Club. Maybe it will be the scene where some vital, yet unexpected plot developments will occur... Oh, another snake. Hello Snakey, don't hurt the poor little Hufflepuff!

Snake: Ok! But I'm going to help ruin your I-Thwarted-The-Dark-Lord-As-A-Baby-Therefore-Could-Never-Be-Evil reputation! *everyone thinks Harry is the Heir of Slytherin*

Harry: Great, and now Justin and Nearly Headless Nick have been Petrified. Just call me the Boy-Who-Is-Everyone's-Scapegoat-Whenever-Anything-Goes-Wrong!

Chapter 12: The Polyjuice Potion

Sorting Hat: Hello again. Want to know if I put you in the right house, hmm? You didn't listen to me in the first place, so why should I help you now? Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot! Yes, you're Slytherin material through and through. In fact, you're so Slytherinny, you probably ARE the Heir of Slytherin! *cough* plot device *cough* Leave me now; I must make up a very bad rhyme for next year's Sorting.

Harry: I knew you were a Slytherin sympathiser. Godric Gryffindor's hat, my arse.

Dumbledore: Slytherin was said to be very virile in his day, so it is possible you are his Heir... but then again, you may not be. Once again I prove how useful I am! By the way, this is Fawkes, my phoenix. He likes to cry, drink pina coladas, take walks in the rain and incinerate himself every so often.

Hermione: The Polyjuice Potion is ready. While you go on ahead, I'll be hiding in a cubicle. I'm so wonderfully clever, yet only I manage to stuff up the potion! Meow!

Ron: So, Malfoy's not the Heir... damn! But what about the 'mystery trapdoor' in Malfoy Manor? Should I forget about that? Ok!

Chapter 13: The Very Secret Diary

Dwarf: Harry, here's a humiliating Valentine's Day poem that I will proceed to sing at the top of my lungs. Guess who it's from! *cough* Ginny *cough*

*Harry spills ink over the diary he found in Myrtle's bathroom. Not only does it turn out to absorb liquid, but you also receive a free Evil Plastic Toy with every Evil Diary purchase from your nearest Vauxhall Rd newsagency!*

Harry: So, Secret-Looking Diary of Doom, you're a Secret Diary, huh?

Tom Riddle's Diary: Of course I am! Is my name Lord Voldemort or what?! Oops... I mean, no of course it isn't. I'm just a harmless bit of enchanted stationary... Now, write in me and I will frame one of your best friends! I'm an Evil Diary! *writes evilly (diary equivalent of laughing evilly)*

Harry: Ok. Is blue felt tip fine by you?

Chapter 14: Cornelius Fudge

Ron: Hermione's been Petrified! What are we going to do? We're going to fail all our subjects without her homework! I miss her already...

Fudge: Hi, I'm Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic. I'm a brainless git - how I managed to get my name into the chapter title is beyond me. Hagrid, off to Azkaban with you! Right, my job here is done. Good bye all!

Lucius: And I'm back, with my funky Pimp Cane, to get rid of Dumbledore. *pokes Dumbledore with the pimp cane* Move it, you old geezer. I am so evil! *laughs evilly* I am so good at laughing evilly! *laughs evilly again, pausing every now and then to admire the dastardly evil nature of his laugh*

Hagrid: Follow th' spiders... erm, an' take no notice that I'm talkin' to m'self very loudly. It's not like there's anyone else in th' room *cough* Harry an' Ron *cough*

Chapter 15: Aragog

Aragog: I am an overgrown spider. Once upon a time, I was Hagrid's pet - you really should've seen that one coming. And I was nowhere near the bathroom where that girl died, so I'm not the monster you're looking for.

Ron: How many giant, hairy monsters can they have running around this place? Harry, have I mentioned that I'm arachnophobic? *starts panicking*

Harry: Thanks for the info, Giant-Spider-With-A-Weird-Name. We'll be off now! *they turn to leave. Ron is a quivering mess*

Aragog: Not so fast. My children are hungry - you try feeding a family this big; our shopping bills are through the roof! Go, my children - feed on the innocent humans!

Harry: Wait a minute! I can't die yet - there are five more books to go! *Suddenly, a car horn blares the tune of 'La Cucaracha'* Look Ron, there's your dad's car! We're saved! *Later, in bed* Someone died in a bathroom... gee that sure narrows it down! How many bathrooms are there in this castle? WAIT A MINUTE! Bathroom. Ghost. Myrtle. Jeepers! It's Myrtle! Well, who would have thought she was a proper part of the plot!

Chapter 16: The Chamber of Secrets

Ron: Hey look! The Slytherin's monster's a Basilisk and it's slithering around in pipes! Wow, even when she's knocked out by an evil monster, Hermione helps solve the mystery. Boy, that girl is something!

McGonagall: Ginny Weasley's been taken prisoner in the Chamber. How I know this in such a short time is beyond me.

Harry: Hey, Goldilocks, we know you're a fake, but we'll take you with us anyway! *drags Lockhart, kicking and screaming in a girly manner, to the bathroom* Hey, Myrt, how'd you die?

Myrtle: Wow, your sympathy is overwhelming. Well, I saw a huge pair of yellow eyes and then I dropped dead. Cool, hey?

Harry: Lockhart suffered the wrath of Ron's broken wand, so now I'm left to face the monster and almost certain doom on my own. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Chapter 17: The Heir of Slytherin

Tom Riddle: I AM LORD VOLDEMORT. I am also quite talented with anagrams.

Harry: Damn, I should have seen that coming. Ok, give me a second to figure out how to beat you. One question - why the heck did Slytherin make the entrance to the Evil Lair of Death and Doom in a GIRL'S bathroom?

*Tom laughs evilly and sics the Basilisk on Harry, and Fawkes arrives with the Sorting Hat*

Harry: I know! I'll solve all my problems by pretending the Basilisk isn't there! *jams hat on head* Ow! Ooh, look at the pretty phoenixes flying around my head! *picks up the sword that nearly knocked him out* My name is Harry James Potter, you killed my father. Prepare to die! *kills the Basilisk, who sticks a poisonous fang in Harry's arm in return. Fawkes cries and Harry doesn't die (what a surprise). Harry grabs the fang and spears the diary*

Harry: DIE DIARY DIE! Geez, you Token Evil Villains really need to find better ways of hiding your weaknesses!

Lockhart: Who I am? My, what a large sword you have - can I have a go? What are we doing here? Goodness, this place is simply crying for a Changing Rooms makeover! *flips his wrist in a very non-heterosexual manner*

Chapter 18: Dobby's Reward

Harry: You suck, Mr. Malfoy! You are the suckiest suck that ever sucked. I'm going to set your House-Elf free!

Lucius: Damn, and I thought you were giving me a compliment! I will now attempt to curse you, even though Dumbledore is in the next room. I am so evil! But not so evil that I'm going to try and KILL you - Steve Kloves, what were you thinking?

Dobby: Ex-Master Malfoy will not harm Harry Potter! *blasts Lucius, but Dobby is still an annoying prat* Oh, Harry Potter, Dobby thanks you SO MUCH for saving him! Dobby will do anything to repay Harry Potter! Dobby loves Harry Potter! *starts kissing Harry's feet*

Harry: Slowly edging away from the obsessed House-Elf... Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to regret setting him free?

Dumbledore: Harry, you've defeated young Voldemort, killed the Basilisk, saved Ginny Weasley, got rid of the fraud DADA teacher and saved the day. Again. By the way, that's Godric Gryffindor's sword, so you're definitely not a Slytherin - the Sorting Hat's going in for repairs. Now I will award Gryffindor a million points. Gryffindor win the House Cup! Hmm... does this sound familiar?