Illicit

Illicit Feelings

Three

~

Don't misread the silence
And take my distance as a sign
There's only one heart that's confused
And it's most likely mine
I always make the rules
And I change 'em all the time
Always stayed a step ahead
'Til you looked in my eyes
My thoughts are frozen
Can't you hear me screaming inside
As you come closer
Don't know where to run this time

I feel weak, I'm never weak
I always know what to say
Don't look at me, I can't speak
How did you get to me this way?
All I know is what I feel
And what I feel is way too real
Who I am is what you see
Baby how did you ever get to me,
ever get to me, ever get to me

It could be so easy
If you'd make just one mistake
Then I won't feel the way I do
And I'll say it's fate
But this emotion
I keep tryin' to leave behind
Keeps getting closer
Don't know where to run this time

'Get To Me'

Jennifer Paige

***

"Seamus, please go." I didn't want to turn and look at the sandy-haired boy with the honey brown eyes. I was too scared to see his reaction. I was too scared because I knew my eyes would grow warm. It was something in my heart, something in my soul. I was only full of warmth and Seamus was bringing it back to me. But I wouldn't begin to say it...no I won't say it.

***

My heart filled up to the rim with so much air. You'd just told Seamus to leave. I turned and looked at him, watching him nod slowly and then taking off in direction of the Entrance Doors. Were you giving me a second chance? Were you? But why would you be doing that? It's my entire fault. I broke it off; I told you that we should take a break. I told you that I couldn't handle it. "Can't handle what, Draco?" you asked that fateful day. I just looked at you, turned my head and walked out - not daring to look back. You never asked me again and you didn't run after me either. I didn't hear your feet pattering to get to me and I didn't see your shadow creeping up behind me. That's when I figured out what I couldn't handle.

***

"I miss you." I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to tell you. I wasn't afraid to show it either. I started crying. I held it in for so long now. I couldn't take it. I wanted you to hold me. Watching your eyes change in emotion I could tell you were trying hard to come close to me. Were you planted into the ground as well? I couldn't move either. Images of us together began passing through my head. Then back to images of that day. I tried really hard, Draco, to forget that day. I wanted to follow you when you left me but I was too stunned to do anything. I was too scared. And when I went to bed that night, I wanted to sleep and wake up - and when I woke up I wanted it to all have been a dream. But when I walked into the Great Hall that morning and I saw the sadness in your eyes - I knew at once it was real. My heart shattered.

***

My voice was caught in my throat. Had you just whispered you missed me? My knees were getting weak. You were crying. I didn't know what to do. It felt as though my feet were planted deep into the earth and as hard as I tried I couldn't pull them out. I wanted to drown you in an embrace, but I couldn't move. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. There were so many thoughts and questions going through my mind. I couldn't place things with things and right now all I wanted was to fall asleep in your arms.

***

"Did you hear me?" I walked closer and placed my hand upon her cheek. I felt you flinch and I shudder beneath my own skin. Your face was so cold. You seemed so far away. I wanted to pull you into my arms and keep you warm. Nodding your head, I wipe away the single tear that rolls down your face. Were we really over now? I took in a deep breath, trying to swallow my tears, but it was too hard. I didn't know what else to do so I did what I knew you liked. I stroked your cheek, the small part just under your eyes, and the highest part of your cheekbone with my thumb. And I did it ever so softly - just the way you liked it. I felt you shudder beneath my fingers.

***

Your hand against my cheek was bringing back so many memories that I truly wanted to forget. They pained me so much. I felt you breathing against my face and your eyes digging into mine. What were you searching for, Harry? God, why am I like this? Why am I so weak? You asked me if I heard you and all I could do was nod. I wanted to yell and scream at you for even asking that question. Of course I heard you and I missed you like dry fuck in the Shrieking Shack. Oh no, why? You're doing that thing - that stroking thing with your thumb. You know I'm weak for it, Harry. Why are you doing this to me? How are you doing this to me?

***

"Please say something," I whisper. I pulled you a little closer to my body. I wanted to take in your scent I wanted you to remember what you were missing, what you gave up. I wanted you to take me back and I wanted you to...no, I just wanted you. "Draco, if this is about that kiss...it didn't mean anything..." I paused for a moment, watching your reaction and there was no emotion to the flicker in your eyes. "He posed the kiss on me and...I was too scared to pull away." Then my heart jumped. I turned and looked back to our tree. Our tree.

***

He kissed you? Now I was cut between being enraged at the bastard and being absolutely sad for the fact that you were too scared to pull away from it. I watched your eyes searching me and wandering over my features. Then you turned, like your heart was breaking once again and...oh no. Our tree. You...you followed me out here...now everything was becoming clear and everything was coming out clean. You saw the carving...and you saw how I'd carved it out. I suddenly felt a rush as cold as ice flood itself through my veins. What had I'd done?

***

"You carved it out," I muttered, choking back the tears and trying hard not to cry. I removed my hand from your face and took a step back while still looking out to our tree. I could feel your presence and your warmth coming closer to my body, but I took another step back. That carving was sacred to me. I remember the exact time and everything when we'd done it. It was sixth year, February. When we'd finally given ourselves to each other with the help and privacy of your bedroom. It was the first night we'd confessed our love for one another and then made love. Then I remember... it was late and so we walked outside to the lake. You said it was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen and I told you that you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. You smiled at me, that soft warm smile. You took my hand into yours and pulled me into a sweet kiss. I still remember what you tasted like that night - sweet raspberries with a hint of lemon and brown sugar. Then you walked me over to that tree. Our tree. And you carved it out...

***

You were crying. I was making you cry. I always made you cry. You seemed so lost and lonely without me and yet when you were with me you were...lost and lonely. We never knew what we wanted and we were always scared. I wanted to pull you over to me and kiss you until I ran out of breath, but your eyes brought so much mourn that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I turned and looked out towards our tree. It was bare in the spot where our carving used to be. The cream of the bare tree trunk was so scary to me now. I felt like I'd swallowed a sharp piece of dry ice.

***

I turned back to you and I could see your face so pale. "My heart was suffocating, Harry." Your eyes seemed so full of truth that I could only nod and wonder. I watched as you walk forward quite a short bit and then quickly stepped back. I wondered what you were thinking. I turned and faced my eyes to the white orb in the sky. The moon. It was so beautiful. It was so pure and genuine. The moon was shining with such a truth that it burned my eyes to watch. I turned to you then and my lips parted to ask you the question that still tormented me to think about. "What couldn't you handle, Draco?"

***

"What couldn't you handle, Draco?" A lot, Harry. I waited and shuffled with my feet. My hands were beginning to sweat and I could feel my nervous heart beating like that of a rabbit's. I looked up to you and your eyes were so sincere that I wanted to cry. I wanted to hurt myself. How could I do this to you? You deserved so much better than me. You deserved more than I could offer you. Maybe you do deserve that Finnegan. Maybe you do. He's a Gryffindor. What more could you need? I am a Slytherin and a pure one at that. I couldn't give it all to you. You stared at me with those jade eyes of yours and I parted my lips to answer your question. "I couldn't handle falling in love with you...I couldn't handle being away from you...I couldn't handle the fact that you were in love with me...I couldn't handle my father...I couldn't handle all the stereotypes...I couldn't handle the fact that I couldn't give you everything you wanted...I couldn't handle the fact that you deserved so much better than me...I couldn't handle what my heart was telling me to do."

***

With every word you were saying my heart was cracking more and more. I couldn't find my voice when you finished. Draco, you are so stupid - so daft. "How could you not know that you are everything that I want, Draco? You are everything that I could ever need. I'm scared too, Draco. How do you think my heart was responding when I knew I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you? The fact that your father wants me dead has nothing to do with the fact that I love you, Draco! You're all that I want and all that I need. I would ask God of nothing more if the last thing he granted me was to stay forever in your arms. All I want is you, damn it!"

***

My heart swelled and I let out the tears that I was keeping inside. I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around because I hated it when people watched me cry. I felt so feeble, so little. I didn't know what to say. I felt your hand gripping my shoulder and turning me around. I looked into your beautiful *you already said they're jade, use a different adj.* eyes, the spark hitting my head and making me dizzy. "We're only seventeen, Harry." You nodded. "How do you know what you really want? How can we know?" You faltered for a moment seeming to think this over in your mind. The wind blew softly and ruffled through your hair. I watched as it flowed greedily in the freeing wind. "I could be a hundred and eighty and would still know that I wanted you. Don't for a second think we're too young because we're not. God did not limit an age for truth and love, Draco."

***

"Then all I know is that I'm in love with you, Harry Potter." I smiled, weakly. You could always make me smile. I reached out and caressed your cheek softly, just the way you liked it. I felt your hand gliding up and coming to a stop just behind the small of my back. I felt us moving in closer and I felt as though nothing could end this moment. This was perfect. Was I taking you back? Were you taking me back? It didn't matter because this was absolutely perfect.

***

We were about to kiss and I could feel it as we leant in closer to one another. I was pulling your body up against mine and you were moving closer to me. Then something happened, something inside my stomach lurched and I suddenly pulled back from you at a quick jump. My mouth lurched forward and I gagged up this watery green substance. I looked up, my mouth dripping with this disgusting goop and all I could see were your jade *uh, I guess it fits here, but it's not needed* eyes matching the colour. Then as I felt you clasped your arms around me before I fell to the ground, my mind did a summersault and I was taken back to the scene of dinner - the scene of the goblet and the burning sensation in my heart. I remembered, vividly the small white pill I'd dropped into my pumpkin juice. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry, love. I poisoned myself.

***

"Draco? Draco! What's happening? Can you hear me?" I don't know what was going wrong. I don't even know if you could hear me. But you collapsed right into my arms; right after you'd just gagged up this putrid green fluid. I didn't know what was happening. I held you tightly in my arms, kneeling down into the grass. I kept patting at your cheek, trying to get you to open your eyes. Your face had suddenly gone so pale. What did you do? What was happening? Your eyes fluttered for a moment and I placed my fingers upon your lips. They were beginning to get cold. Oh no, Lord, please don't do this too me. Please grant me a single miracle. Hot tears began to flow down my cheeks as I clutched you closer and closer to the warmth of my body. My throat was closing and I could feel the vibration of my tears going down it. "Help!" I screamed. "Help! Someone please! Professor! Seamus! Someone, please help!"

***

Your voice is fading away and I am rising. I feel my eyes droop farther and farther behind my head as I sink into your soft warm arms. The blurriness around me begins to clear and I am standing before you. We're in my room and there you are sitting on my bed, staring at me with your beautiful jade *ugh, Vic, so many adjectives, so little time, USE THEM!!!!* eyes. My mind was swirling and the palms of my hands were beginning to get sticky with sweat as I walked over to you. I cuffed your cheek into my hand and pulled you in closer to me. I let my lips linger just barely touching yours. I watched your eyelids flutter as I finally planted you your deserving kiss. "I'm in love with you," I muttered. My heart was filled to the rim with fluttering wings. You looked at me, biting your lower lip like you did every time you were nervous. I watched your lips part and then, "I love you, Draco Malfoy." And that night was a night to remember. Just moments later, we made love. Both of us a little scared but we took it slow and I savoured every piece of your body. Later on we walked out to the lake and I told you it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. But you, Harry, you turned me around and whispered, "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." And I knew we could only kiss at that point. When our lips met and our tongues danced, *very good!!! I love that phrase!!* I distinctly remember what you tasted like. A pinch of cinnamon mixed with the tanginess of lime. Then we carved our carving in the tree. The carving that would last forever - just like we would. Lord, I'm the luckiest boy in the entire world.

***

"He's been poisoned. It has already gotten to his veins. We're too late to save him. I'm sorry..." It was like a hot knife cursing through my heart when I just heard that. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I could barely think straight thoughts. You were lying there in front of me on those white, white sheets. You weren't moving. Your eyelids were a light shade of purple and your face was so pale. Professor Snape watched me; I could feel his suspicious eyes glaring down my back so I turned around. "Is there anything...?" He looked at me, his eyes going sensitive for once. "No, Potter, I don't think there's anything we can do now." I felt the tears rising in my throat but I didn't want to cry in front of him. He must have noticed because he gave me another accusing glare and then left the room to send an owl to your father. I turned back around to you, the tears now falling. I climbed up onto the bed with you and laid my head on you shoulder while wrapping your arm around me. You weren't gone - not really. I lifted my head and planted a soft kiss on your lips. My quivering body later had to be pulled off of you by your father. I wanted so badly to stay, but they wouldn't let me. Your father dragged me out of the infirmary and threw me on the floor just outside your bedroom. I tried to rush back in but they slammed the door in my face. So I sat there, just outside the Hospital Wing door, crying.

***

"No! I can't leave, not yet! He's so miserable! Please! One chance! Please!" I was transported to this white room and everything seemed so clean. I looked myself up and down and found that I was dressed in completely white clothing. This voice suddenly came out of nowhere, surrounding all around me and echoing off the walls. "To say your goodbyes, Draco." I nodded and walked out into the fog. I kept following your distant figure, seeing you sitting outside that Hospital Wing. I understood what was happening. I understand what I did. The floor beneath me suddenly dropped and I was falling. Then my feet reached the bottom and I stood before your crying figure. I wanted to make it all better, but I knew I couldn't. I knelt beside your body and caressed your face.

***

I don't know if I was imagining it or not but I felt your hand against my cheek. I leaned into it and reminisced the feeling of your warm touch. Closing my eyes and then opening them I thought I could actually see you kneeling beside me. I lifted my hand and placed it to where I felt your hand was on my cheek. I could feel every detail and wrinkle of your hand. But you weren't really there. The tears kept falling from my eyes and I couldn't keep them back. I felt myself suddenly being pulled softly forward. Then I knew I was mad when I felt your lips brush up against my own. My whole body melted and as soon as I pressed myself harder into you lips, I found my eyes opening and myself falling forward onto the cobblestone floor. I reached out, trying to fan the air around me, trying to feel for you presence but you weren't there. I slowly sat myself back up against the wall and whispered, "Goodbye, My Draco."

***

And just before I left, as the fog began to surround me, I quickly marched back out to our tree. I took out my pocketknife, flipped it open and began to carve. First was the lion, its vivid eyes a startling Slytherin green and then the serpent, wrapping itself around the lion - its eyes the colour of Gryffindor red. Slowly, I carved in our initials and sighed. I took a step back and then looked at it...admiring it in its fullest. I stuck the pocketknife back into my pocket as the fog began to cloud around me. Goodbye, My Harry.

***

F I N