Illicit

Illicit Feelings

One

~

What have we become
It seems our hearts have come undone
And even when I hold you in my arms
you're out of reach
I would walk a thousand miles to get to you
Ten thousand more to get you back into me

But the more I reach the more you run
I can't get to you
The more I reach the more you run

I feel so far
I feel so far away
From where you are
I feel so far away

Silently pretending
We're not alone and nothing's ending
Lost in the familiar
We've forgotten how to dream
I remember a time when you and I
believed in forever
I want that again

'Feel So Far Away'

Jennifer Paige

***

I saw you the other day, I watched you from afar. My mind was racing; you were all I could think about. I sat alone that day, thinking and watching, watching and thinking, every thought revolving around you. I don't know if you felt my stares, could you see my eyes? Regardless of that, I watched you.

***

I felt you watching me. I felt your eyes down my back. I didn't turn around; I knew I'd catch your eyes. My mind was on you, though I didn't admit to it. You were all I was thinking about.

***

My plate filled up with food, but I ignore my stomach's growl to watch you. I slipped my hand into my robe pocket and pulled out a small white oval. I slipped it into my drink and swirled the juice around. Then I gulped it down in one swallow. Not once did I avert my eyes from you. I remember the way your hair smelled, I remembered the twinkle in your eye, and I could still feel the warmth of your smile. You are sitting at the end of the table; I see you engaged in conversation. Are they of me?

***

I try and free myself of the thoughts. They are the ones that I have of you. I know you're still watching me so I turn my head. I pretend to talk to the boy who sits beside me. Are you still watching? Can you hear our conversation? Do know you I am not talking of you? That I'm trying not to?

***

I wonder why you are talking to him. Why don't you just look my way? I would love to see your smile, I would love to see your eyes, and I want to see you - again. Please turn and look at me because I am still watching.

***

Please stop watching me. Please turn away. I am going to glance; I want to, I want to see your eyes. But I am scared; I know you'll be watching I can already feel the tears. I want to see you - again. I want to hold you. I want you.

***

I cannot rip my eyes away. Please can't you feel my eyes? Can't you feel my pain? Turn and give me the delight of seeing your face. Are you finally getting over me? I can only wonder, is that boy you are speaking to your new lover? How could you?

***

I decide not to turn and view you. I keep myself strong. I am trying to forget you and its harder then I thought it would be. Why did you have to ruin it? Did you not know I would hurt? He was nothing to me and you were everything. I turned him down. I always said no. But you didn't believe me.

***

I let my head down to look at my plate. I felt the tears brewing. Lord, I am ashamed. I do not cry and especially not over the matters of love. Was it really love? Lord, I am a mess. My eyes are glazed and I try and hide it. I try and push the tears back in. I never liked the taste of salt water seeping into my mouth. I excuse myself from the table just then.

***

My heart drops. I look up, getting the strength to look at you, to turn your way. When I do, I see the back of your head, I see you walking away. Are you crying? I notice you lift your hand and wipe your eyes. No, you wouldn't cry, not for me. I remember how you say you're too good for the tears I would bring. How you're too good for me. I tried to be good enough for you, though. Did I make it? Did I win your game?

***

I storm out of the Great Hall. I feel all heads turn to watch me. Do you turn? I don't look back. I push the doors open and step outside. I walk around for a moment and dry my eyes. I look up and see a familiar memory. The Entrance Hall doors are open. I take my leave and walk outside. I shiver a little bit because it's just a little chilly. Walking, I take to our spot. But it isn't, not ours, not anymore.

***

Where are you going? I struggle to keep the urge of following you down. I refuse to give in. I feel someone tapping on my shoulder. I turn to my right and it's him; the one you fear would ruin us - the one who did ruin us. His eyes bring concern. His eyes bring warmth. I am scared. There was only one other pair of eyes that looked at me like that.

***

I walk pass the Forbidden Forest. I take my steps in baby strides. Looking around with my eyes I see the tree. The old Oak tree that stood tall though we are apart. I run to it. Afraid of what I would see I shelter my eyes. I put my hand up to the trunk and feel around. It's still there.

***

"Are you all right?" He asks me. His voice, it brings warmth to me. It was warmth that I'd forgotten. His hand sets itself on my cheek. I tremble. I pick my hand up and remove his from my face. He looks taken aback. I nod, to let him know I'm all right. He knows I bluff.

***

My eyes open. My fingers tremble, they are numb. I feel the cold begin to wrap around me. My lips quiver. The carving, the one with our House animals, intertwined, it's still there. I remembered when we put it in. I was never the sappy type - except with you...only with you. Slipping my hand into my pocket I pull out my small pocketknife. Hot tears fall down my cheeks as I reach out and began scratching it away. There's nothing left. Nothing.

***

"Really, I'm fine," I say in an odd fashion. I watch as he shakes his head a little but nods in reply to what I said. I look back at the Great Hall doors, expecting you to bust through. But you didn't come. Suddenly his voice comes again. "You still love him don't you?"

***

I wipe the last tears from my eyes. I feel stronger, I feel like I'm without you. It feels good. I think. I look to the carving as I brush away the debris, the extra wood. The tree trunk of where the carving was now showing creamy white. Now why is it when I breathe, it hurts?

***

I hesitate before answering him but he already knew the answer. He nodded looking disappointed and turned around. He looked at me no more throughout dinner. I felt empty. I turned back to the door, expecting you to come through. But you didn't. I feel empty. The word was getting out. Graduation was in two weeks. I remember our talks...I remember it all.

***

I stand up, admiring the tree one more time. It scares me now when I look at it. It looks so bare, so cold. So nothing. But that's what we were now. We were nothing. My throat clogged with saliva but I swallowed and began walking back to the school. I had no intention of going back to dinner. I had no intention of walking into pain. But I had no intention of falling in love, either.

***

Dinner finally ended. You never came back. I admit it; I watched for you, I waited for you. I turned and got out of my seat and headed out to the Great Hall. I wasn't at all tired. I felt like a walk. I felt there was a memory I needed to relive. I wanted to relive it. I wanted to hate it. But I knew I wouldn't.

***

I walked up by myself to the Common Rooms. I heard the scattering pitter patter of feet coming from the corridor just below me. Dinner was over. I wonder where you were. I wonder what you were doing. I hold back the urge to go and find you. I keep walking forward. I feel a heavy lump inside my throat and I gagged.

***

I walk outside, looking around. It's rather chilly so I rub my arms with my hands. I see what I was looking for. Our spot. Our tree. I walked towards it. Memories began to flow through me. They were coming back until I saw what was there. I nearly fainted. No, I did faint. How could you?

***

Hurrying, as fast as my legs would go I ran for a bathroom. I felt sick. My stomach was turning and folding and I just wanted to throw it all up. I felt disgusted. Pushing the door open, I ran inside and quickly concealed myself within a stall. I don't know if anyone could hear me. I didn't want anyone to hear me.

***

Our carving was no longer there. It had been scratched out. I run to the tree and slide my fingers across the naked trunk. Tears begin to swell up in my eyes. Who could have done this? I then remember. Now I know why you excused yourself from dinner. The tears roll down my cheeks. I can't take it anymore.

***

I wipe my face and stare into the mirror. Why am I like this? Why did I ever let you go? The bags look deeper under my eyes. Correction. Why did I allow myself to fall in love with you? Why did I leave my heart open? I feel the tiredness of my body. I can't go on. But I must. Splashing my face with water I leave the bathroom. My throat is burning.

***

Leaning my back against the tree trunk I began to feel the actual cold sweep over me. My lips began to quiver and my fingers are now numb. But I can't move any part of my body. I feel paralyzed. You carved out our carving.You cut us down to nothing. But that was what we were. We were nothing. I swallowed hard. I was going to cry. Again, I would waste tears for you. No, never waste.

***

Reaching the stone statue, I announce the password. It swings open and I step inside. I feel tired. Rubbing my face in my hands, I sigh deeply and walk up to my dormitory without stopping to talk to anyone. But I hear them calling me. Ignoring their voices, I walk away. You're all that was on my mind. You were all that I wanted to know and all I wanted to leave. I was consumed.

***

"Come inside, Harry." My eyes fluttered for a moment because I think I hear your voice. I open them and turn to my side. I almost smile because my eyes fooled me. So did my ears. It was not you, but he. I sigh deeply, feeling the tears growing again. I turn my head and felt the warmth of his body closing the gap between us.

***

I walk into my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I couldn't live anything down. I wanted to throw up over and over again until I could no longer place your voice with your face. I wanted to sleep and never wake up for when I woke up I would have to see your face and be reminded of what I lost. I lay down, my head sinking into my pillow, the softness of it drowning me. I cried myself to sleep.

***

"Please, leave." My voice faltered. I got up and stood before him, not wanting to take part in anything at the moment that resembled giving me feelings of another. I wanted you but you weren't here. He walked forward, ignoring my demand. He turned my head so my eyes could look into his. I wanted to kick him, but then another part of me wanted something else. That part wanted me to forget you. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that - if I want to do that.

***

There was a clinking of glass that woke me from my slumber. I sat up and looked around. The room was dark except for a glare from the window of my room. The clinking of the glass had been that of the window closing. Getting up from my bed, I walk towards it and began to pull it to a close. But something stopped me. How ironic, love, that you are what stopped me.

***

His breath was enlacing itself around mine. His breathing was warm against my lips. I wanted to push him away, I wanted to jerk him off me but I didn't have the power to do so. He whispered something touching my lips but my mind was too dizzy to comprehend what he'd said. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine. I'm sorry, love, I didn't have the courage to push him away.

***