Illicit

Illicit Feelings

Two

~

It's a full moonlight
Something ain't right
Wind is bangin' my door
Call me insane
I want this pain
But it's justified, it's justified, it's justified
I swore I would never be this way
But I can't stop this runaway train

I can't get you out of my dreams
I tell you I'd do anything
Just to have you here with me
I know that I'm in a way too deep
I would give up everything
Just to have you here with me

There's a fire in my head
Makin' me sweat
Keeps me coming back for more
Well it's crazy in here
Cause I want these tears
But it's justified, it's justified, it's justified
I swore you'd never make me feel this way
But I can't stop this runaway train

'Just To Have You'

Jennifer Paige

***

My mouth is hanging open. You're kissing him! How could you? My eyes are too swollen from tears of before. I couldn't cry again, no. I could never cry for you again. I want nothing more than to harm you - to hurt you so bad that you can't move. I wanted to take you out. But my heart was telling me otherwise. But what did my heart know? It fell for you once and you shattered it. I turned; slamming the window so hard it almost shattered itself. I pulled on my night robes and stormed out of the dormitory. I didn't care who I woke up. I wanted you to feel just how hurt you'd made me.

***

We sprung apart as I hear something crashing. It'd scared me. I scuffled with my hands as I push him away. I was scared. I turned around and looked all around me. No one was there. He looked at me, eyeing me with curiosity. No, what'd I just do? I couldn't believe myself. I couldn't. My mouth was dry, otherwise I would have yelled at his arse for giving me these feelings. I'm sorry. I was scared, love. It was fear. It was nothing more than that of my fear, love. My fear. I let fear do this, love. I let fear take over me.

***

"What the fuck, Draco?" I ignored their questions as I angrily stalked out of the common room. I couldn't hear anything. No, I didn't want to hear anything. My mind was set on one thing and that was you. You and Him - in particular. You with his mouth enclosed around his. You bastard. I hate you. How could you make me feel so guilty after I told you we needed to be apart? I knew you'd have left me for him in the beginning. Everything always turned back to him. He was always our main problem.

***

"How could you?" I stared at him in fear and violation. My head couldn't stop shaking in disapproval. I turned and looked back into his eyes. He looked so sincere and so frightened. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I wanted to do anything. Throughout this whole situation I couldn't stop thinking of you, love. I wanted you to be here. Where are you, love? Where were you when I needed you? Why did you leave me?

***

I walked through the corridors as the hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I was beginning to feel weaker and stronger at the same time. My feet kept on moving, but my mind and heart were holding me back. I stopped, in front of the Entrance Doors. Why did I care? You didn't belong to me - you were never mine. We were nothing. Why couldn't you kiss another? You could. I had no right to be mad. I had absolutely no right. You didn't belong to me and we definitely hadn't belonged to each other. So why couldn't you kiss another, because you could.

***

He didn't say anything. He only stared at me. His eyes were so fearful. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out to him and hug him - tell him that it was all right. But it wasn't. I was too much of a Gryffindor at that point and I wanted to not be. I wanted to not care about my feelings for you at the moment. I wanted to be an ego-driven Slytherin. Selfish and Prideful.

***

I was on the brink of turning around and going back to bed. But my feet wouldn't take me. My mind was heading back and so was my heart. Or was my heart really going back to bed? No, it wasn't. I wanted to confront you - to tell you I was sorry for everything I'd done and then punch you for kissing another boy - especially him. So I opened the door and walked forward, my head raised high. The moon was so bright that it hurt my eyes to view it. I slumped my shoulders back and pursued on. I saw you, both of you, like two dark specks in the back of the night. My feet hesitated for a moment, but with my will I pressed on.

***

I turned my eyes away from him as I hear the scrapping of feet coming across the green. I moved my body aside so I could view the creature over his shoulder. He looked at me, eyeing me with his confused honey-brown eyes. The moonlight was shining onto his face, illuminating his features. I admit it; it distracted me while I was trying to view the oncoming creature. I swallowed hard and looked back around, fixating my eyes on the dark shadow that was coming towards me in a rather shaky stature. But there was something oddly familiar about that shadow. It moved in a way I knew only one other person ever could.

***

My leg was stiffening and I didn't know why. With my head held high and looking forward - I saw the glint of your glasses glaring straight at me. The moon shown brightly and I could see your eyes. You looked so sad and so - confused. Were you looking at me? Could you see me even? It was as though he noticed your oddness because he took the liberty of turning his own self around to face me. I stopped. We all stared at each other for a moment. My eyes never left the worry of your jade ones. Then there was one more pair of eyes, a clear honey-brown that darted in between us both.

***

I watched that shadow figure until everything became clear to me. The worry and fear became settled in my eyes again and I could feel the burden of their weight. I watched you as your leg seem to stiffen. I think you noticed my eyes upon yourself. My eyes never averted. Not once. Not this time. I felt him just beside me as he turned around and faced you. I watched as you stopped and locked your eyes with mine. A great stone of amber dropped itself from my throat and landed within the pits of my stomach.

***

I walked forward, finding the strength coming back to me. I took in a deep breath and walk forward. My eyes closed. I could feel them glazing with fresh tears. No. I didn't need to cry. I didn't want to cry - especially in front of you and that - that - him. I walked forward, clutching my night robes closer to my body. I watched as your eyes never left mine and mine never wanted to leave yours. I admit it, love, I was scared. I hadn't planned what I was going to say. I hadn't planned anything. If it weren't for me in the first place, we could be inside, where it was warm, wrapped in the comforts of each other's arms.

***

"I should go." I didn't even turn and look at him. I could hear the uncomfortable ring in his voice and the scratchiness in his throat. I didn't turn and look at him, but I didn't feel him turn and look at me either. I wanted so much to nod and let him leave but I knew I couldn't do that. It would look too strange. Lord, what are you doing out here? Did you...No...you saw us...kissing, didn't you? I bite my bottom lip slightly and then take a light breath to mutter, "Stay, Seamus." I couldn't see him, but I knew he nodded. Then you approached us, quite slowly, your eyes were dark and the bags that were under them were highly defined by the creamy rays of the moon.

***

I finally reached you and I think I heard you mutter something to that boy. I didn't want him to be here, not at all. I felt that if he were I would hurt him - severely. I didn't want to do that. I stared at you for a moment and then my eyes began to droop slightly but I kept myself awake. You watched me and then you bit your bottom lip like you always did when you were nervous. Your eyes quickly darted from mine to his and then to my feet. What was on your mind, Harry? You don't have to guess; you know I saw you kissing. You know that was why I was out there - maybe that and a little bit more. Just a little.

***

Then it happened. Oppressive silences. I hated those. There were always awkward glances and darting of the eyes. But you didn't do anything. You just stood there and I was the only one doing the eye darting and the feet shuffling. Why was I so nervous? I really didn't know, Draco. I really didn't. It pains me, you know? I hate having to see you stand there before me with eyes filled with so much pain. Can you hear that? It's my heart breaking once again, love.

***

No one is moving. No one has moved. I think we were all a bit scared. Just a little bit. I wanted so much to reach out and hold you against my body - to feel the warmth of your cheek brush against mine. I wanted him out of here. I wanted to scream and yell at you for kissing him. Suddenly the thought of that kiss brought back the actual image. I'm sorry, love, I couldn't keep it in anymore. I exploded. I felt it bottling up. I'm sorry, love.

***

Something is happening. You're bottling up your feelings again. Oh no, you're going to blow. I turned and looked at Seamus and saw that there was a worrisome glare in his eyes. They were so intense that I felt bad for him. He couldn't move and he knew he'd put himself into a difficult situation. Love, please don't do it.

***

"How could you?" I did it. "Damn it, Harry! How could you?" I took a step forward, advancing on your space. I didn't care. There was a burning desire to get closer to you and another desire to punch your lights out. I didn't know which I was actually acting on. I saw as your face turned quickly pale. I saw your eyes darting from mine then to his. I didn't want to even look at him so I didn't. "It always comes back to him!" And I was telling the truth. It had. I would have never have ended it if he...only if he wasn't around, Harry. If only.

***

I was shocked. "How could I, Draco?" I advanced in your direction and I almost lost it and crumbled when I felt your breath against my lips. "It's you Draco!" I paused and dared to glare at you. I watched the shocked expression flatten itself along the thin lines of your features. "You broke it off, Draco! How could I? NO, Draco. How could you?" I could hear the steps of Seamus walking towards us. I didn't care. At that point I was burning with rage. How dare you accuse me of something you didn't even know the full story of?

***

I counted to three inside my head after I'd just heard what you said. I took in a deep, deep breath and stepped backward. I didn't need this. I didn't need to feel guilt for it was surely your fault. I turned and glowered at Finnegan. He was looking back at me with his eyes full of innocence and sorrow. Fuck him. I didn't need his innocence or his sorrow. Especially his sorrow - no one was to feel sorry for me - no one and definitely not him.

***

You didn't say anything. Did I hit you where it hurt most? I frowned sadly. I wanted to reach out and hold you, really I did. But you seemed out of reach and very far away. I watched as you take a step back and you didn't even dare to give me a glare. I want to take a step closer to you, but I don't. Then you finally turn to Seamus and you're glaring at him like I knew you would. I turn to look at him and he's playing his innocent card. He is innocent because I didn't refrain from his kissing me.

***

"I kissed him, Malfoy." I stared at Finnegan for a long time before I actually processed what he'd said to me. I could feel your eyes darting in between us. I could also feel the heavy amount of concern it seemed to bring. I blinked a couple times before I finally let my glare down. I turned my head to you, wanting to see your reaction. You looked at me and I wondered what you were thinking. I felt my lips part and before I could even think through what I was going to say something just came out. And it sounded a little bit like "But you didn't push him off."

***

"You're right, I didn't." As I watched you, I noticed your eyes changed quickly and got darker when I'd just said that. I hear Seamus muttering something about us already being apart and that I was in free game to kiss him. I didn't want to turn to look at him because I could see you in front of me, in pain. Your lips were quivering and I wanted to stop that with a kiss of my own. But I didn't. Then you spoke. "Fuck off, Finnegan." I almost smiled after hearing the tinge of jealousy and anger in your voice.

***

"You're right, I didn't." That line just kept playing itself over and over in my head. My heart was breaking again. How...I couldn't find words to describe the way I was feeling. Hurt seemed like such a good word, but I didn't use it. So I stood there and my ears trailed off to the surroundings. Then Finnegan spoke, saying the nastiest thing he could have at that moment and I wanted to hex him. "You guys were broken up and he's free to kiss anyone he chooses," the gimp taunted. I wanted to hex him, I really did.

***

I didn't even hear what Seamus had said. I was so content on watching your every reaction that everything else around me didn't matter. I don't think anything else around me even existed at that point. Your eyes were burning with a flame I'd only seen once before. He was in such a rage. I wanted to leave. I closed my eyes, hoping that somehow if I used my will power - I could manage to make myself disappear. Didn't work.

***

I turned to you - watching you now. I wanted to cry, I admit it. You were the only one who could ever make me hurt so much. Not even my father could hurt me this much. I wanted you in every way. I wanted you now but I didn't know how to say it. You made me so weak, love. I don't understand. I never understood. Now you seem to be lost from me forever. Come a little closer love. I just want to savour the taste of your lips within my memories for as long as I live. After this night, I don't think I could live to see the dawn of the sun.

***

Opening my eyes, I find you staring into my direction. You seemed so lost, so confused. I wanted to move a little closer and press my lips against yours - but I didn't. I wanted to take you back, but then I didn't. I wanted a lot of things, love but I didn't take that chance. Why didn't you ask for that chance? Why? Why did we have to come to this? Why is Seamus still here? Please, Draco, my Draco...can I still call you my Draco...because that's all you'll ever be...My Draco.

***

I feel my feet began to take me a little closer. I wanted to get closer. But I feel myself stopping. Maybe I didn't want to get closer. I don't know what I want. I'm so weak without you, Harry. I'm so weak. You know me, Harry - I'm never weak. How did you do this? How did you make me fall in love with you? No one's ever tamed my heart before. You're different. I fell in love with you and no one else. Do you still consider me your Draco? Because that all I want to be...Your Draco.

***