Be All My Secrets Remembered

Chapter Seventeen: Pax Marauder?

April, 1977

James was trying. He had flattered, threatened, cajoled, pleaded, and bribed. He had used his brand new Apparation license to plan surprise appearances directly in front of her, bearing bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolate. He really was trying.

Peter kept suggesting he serenade her, pointing out that singing had worked with Laura on multiple occasions. James kept stalling on that, not wishing to exhaust his arsenal completely, especially if it all came to naught.

It occurred to him in passing to wonder why he was so bloody intent on getting Kate back. Damned if he knew. He just knew that he did, one way or the other. Even if only to end their relationship on a slightly more dignified note. He was James Potter, after all. It couldn't get out that Kate Campbell had dumped him.

Remus just smiled faintly and went back to his book. He'd been doing a lot of that lately, and neither James nor Peter had been willing to gainsay it.

And then there was Lily. Lily, who he couldn't look at without the ominous feeling of his willpower draining out of his left ear. He had been so close. So very close. But, in an uncharacteristic display of caution, he'd resisted. She would have said no. When did she ever even contemplate saying yes? Christmas didn't count, he suspected. All bets were off where enchanted mistletoe was concerned. Anything that could turn Sirius Black into a raging pouf, albeit for a few minutes...

But Lily was at least speaking to him now. And not screaming at him, which was certainly a change. In fact, there were points when he could have sworn she was on the verge of blushing. Of course, he could well have imagined that.

"Moony, what should I do?" he finally asked. They were alone in the compartment aboard the Hogwarts Express, the others having scattered for one reason or another.

Remus looked up from his Potions textbook, with some perplexity. "Why on earth are you asking me, Prongs? Do I look like Don Juan to you?"

"No, but you're friends with her. You're...girls talk to you. They don't talk to me."

"No, they just moon after you from a distance, and point and giggle," Remus deadpanned. "Most people would be happy with that. Quidditch star, top student, future Auror, and possibly in line for Prefect next year..."

"What's this?" James blinked. "Me? A Prefect? Whose hare-brained idea is that?"

"Dumbledore's, as it happens," replied Remus with a shrug. "You do realise you're perfectly capable of it, don't you?"

James just looked at him, eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"I mean it, Prongs." Remus closed his book and set it on the seat beside him. "You're not the mindless twat you pretend to be. If anyone can see it, I can. And you don't need to compete with Padfoot anymore."

"It wasn't competition," James muttered uncomfortably. He hadn't told Sirius about the meeting with Dumbledore and McGonagall before their departure for Easter hols, and was not looking forward to doing so. "He's my best friend."

Remus smiled, but it was that odd strained smile James had come to associate with any mention of Sirius over the past few weeks. "No-one's going to argue that, Prongs. Least of all him."

"Moony..."

"I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you, Prongs."

"Please, Moony. He had a reason. It wasn't a good reason, but it's still something. Padfoot's got a bit of a blind spot where Snivelly's concerned. You know that."

"I know it. I also don't see how that excuses him," snapped Remus, reaching for the textbook again until James snatched it beyond his reach. "Hey!"

"Moony, he's sorry. He really is. He never meant to put you in danger." James could feel his temper rising. Why the hell was Moony being so bloody unreasonable? It wasn't like him.

"And you're speaking for him, as usual."

"Because you won't even give him the time of day!" retorted James. "You're the one who spouts off about 'live and let live' where Snivelly's concerned. Why can't you spare the same courtesy for your friends?"

For a moment, it seemed as if he had gone too far. Remus flinched visibly. When he did speak, his voice was so soft that James could barely hear him. "Because my friends ought to know better."

"You were there when he explained..."

"For God's sake, Prongs, I nearly killed someone!" Remus exploded. "That's not the sort of thing you just forget!"

Chastened, James lowered his head. "I'm not asking you to forget. I'm asking you to forgive him. There's a difference." After a pause, he added, "I was there, Moony, remember? The wolf isn't you. I know that, we all know that."

"Easy for you to say," his friend murmured bitterly. "You're not the one he takes over every month." Before James could argue, he continued. "You choose your transformation, Prongs. I'm grateful for it; you make me more human than I would otherwise be. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't have a choice. Padfoot knew better. He just didn't care."

"Moony, he cares..." James trailed off. "Snivelly provoked him. You heard about the potion."

"Yes. The potion that was the exact opposite of what Padfoot thought it was. If he'd taken three seconds to look at the ingredients..."

"We all make mistakes, Moony," he said quietly.

Remus looked so unhappy that James wanted to bite back the words, but he held his tongue. It was the truth, after all.

"Can you at least talk to him, Moony? Even if it's to tell him precisely what you've told me, I don't think Padfoot would care. It's the silent treatment he can't stand."

"I'll think about it, Prongs. You can't honestly expect me to pretend everything's alright, because it isn't." After a second or two, he added, "And I did tell him precisely what I've told you. Though not in so many words."

"You were angry--"

"I still am. This isn't going to just vanish, Prongs. I need time. Can you at least grant that?"

"Fine."

James allowed him to drop the subject. He turned to the window, forcibly concentrating his attention on the countryside flying by. Just then, the door opened to admit Lily and--much to James's surprise--Kate.

"I've thought about it," his--he wasn't really sure what title she ought to have at this point. Sort-of-ex-girlfriend-who-might-not-be-anymore?--Kate said. "I'll give you a second chance."

James wasn't entirely sure what his reaction was supposed to be. Or even what he wanted it to be. "Thanks, Kate," he finally said, dredging up a smile. "I'll do better this time. I promise."

"You'd better," she warned. Behind her, Lily met James's eyes and offered him a reassuring smile. And James credited the strange melting sensation in his stomach to relief.

When the six of them trooped into the Gryffindor Common Room later that evening, Sirius was nowhere to be found. James was unsure of whether or not his best friend's absence was a relief, as Remus had been notably ambivalent about whether or not he was willing to make peace with Sirius. He did, however, wonder where on earth Sirius might be.

***

James was not the only one puzzling over Sirius' absence, but Lily happened to be the one who found him the next day, in the Owlery.

"Where on earth have you been?" she demanded. "James was looking all over the place for you last night."

He turned, regarding her curiously. Lily wasn't entirely sure what she had expected, but he looked...relaxed. Cheerful, even. "Nice to see you too," he retorted.

Lily took the cue to step forward. "What are you sending?"

"Letter to my Uncle Alphard in Bermuda. Thought I'd see if he could put in a good word for me with his old supervisor at Gringott's for a job after next year." Sirius shrugged. "It's worth a try, certainly, seeing as I'm not living off the family anymore, and Prongs has taken my old spot on the potential-Auror list."

"You know about that?"

"Snivelly informed me before you left."

"Sirius..." She reached out and placed one hand on his arm. "I'm really sorry."

"About what?" He shrugged again. "Don't, Lily. It's best forgotten. I'd have made a terrible Auror anyway. No sense of authority and all that. And besides, what kind of Prefect supports the wrongdoer?"

"I'm not saying I approve of what you did. I'm just sorry for the way everything turned out."

"Then let's leave it at that. Please, Lil." He looked at her now, and covered her hand with his. "I'd much rather move on."

Despite very much wanting to argue the point, Lily nodded. "If that's what you want."

"It is." Turning back to the window, he finished making sure the letter was tightly fastened to the owl's foot. "Right, Hotspur. Off with you, then." The bird nipped affectionately at his finger and sailed off into the horizon. "Is Moony...has he said anything about me?"

Lily leant against the windowsill, following his gaze across the landscape. "I've not really spoken to him. You'd do better to ask James."

"James?" echoed Sirius, the teasing smile evident in his voice. "You've started calling him that now? Should I start airing out my dress robes for the wedding?"

"Shut up," she retorted with a marked lack of rancour.

"I don't know. Between that and Christmas..."

"Are you never going to get over that bloody mistletoe?" Lily huffed. "By all rights, I ought to be chasing you if we're going by that."

"Meadowes might object," he pointed out lazily. "And I think we both know what Prongs thinks of that idea. I don't know about you, but I prefer my face free of purple boils."

"Like I give a damn what he thinks. And as for..." She broke off, blinking. "Meadowes?"

"Yes. Dorcas Meadowes. Prefect. Ravenclaw. Friend of yours, I believe?"

"I'm well aware of that, Sirius. But why would she...unless you both...and she didn't tell me?"

Sirius was openly laughing by this point. "You did only get back yesterday, Lil. I suspect she just didn't have the time. But that's not the question at hand. Now, back to Prongs..."

"It means absolutely nothing. Besides, he's back with Kate now."

"They broke up?" After a second or two, he answered his own question. "Oh yeah, I remember. She thought he was neglecting her. Which he was, of course, but that's beside the point. Why on earth are they back together again?"

"Kate thinks she might have been too hasty," Lily explained, keeping the words deliberately light-hearted. "She was upset that night. Some of the other girls had been making comments about how James pretended she didn't exist when you lot were around..."

"Well, he did. I'm not arguing with that. I think it's an awful idea, especially now."

"What's this?" Lily glanced at him, puzzled. "What's going on now?"

"Lil, don't play innocent with me." He was looking at her now, and no longer smiling. "Prongs wanted a bit of fun, he had it. There's no point in pretending he and Campbell were more than that. They weren't."

"She certainly seems to think otherwise," argued Lily. "I don't think you're being fair, Sirius."

"I've got nothing against her. She's a perfectly nice girl. She's just not for Prongs," he said, as if that explained it all. "He overshadows her. I don't know if she's realised it yet, but she will sooner or later, and she'll resent him for it. If she doesn't already resent him for the fact that she's second-best."

"Sirius, you don't mean..."

"Lil, you're the one he wants. You're the only one he's ever wanted."

She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing emerged.

"No point in beating round the bush any longer. He gave up trying to impress you; you know why? Because he finally realised that what worked on other girls simply didn't work on you." Sirius paused, letting the words sink in. "He took up with Campbell because he wanted to convince himself and everyone else that you were just a phase. And, I should think it's fairly obvious that nobody was convinced, least of all him. Why on earth do you think he tried to hex me at Christmas?"

"Because...he said you'd exploded fireworks under his bed...?" she managed, cursing inwardly at how uncertain she sounded. "He only chased me because I ran away."

Sirius just looked at her for a second or two. "No, Lil," he finally said, his voice shaking ever so slightly. "Because he's in love with you. Has been since fourth year. Merlin knows we've all been trying to tell him it's a stupid idea, that he's wasting his time and yours. But he won't hear of it. Because he loves you more than all the world, and if he won't listen to us, he won't listen to anyone."

Lily had been prepared to laugh, only to feel the urge drain out of her at the expression on his face. More than all the world. Coming from anyone else, under any other circumstances, she was sure she would have found the entire thing ridiculous. But what reason would he have to lie? He was James's best friend, after all...

"This is ridiculous," she finally said, some time after Sirius had excused himself to go down to the library. Several of the owls perked up at the words, regarding her through curious yellow eyes. "He's just being contrary. James and Kate will make up, and that'll be the end."

Much to her annoyance, even her own words couldn't quite silence the thought.

***

He smelled of sandalwood. It occurred to Dorcas in passing to wonder what cologne he used. If he used it at all. There was so much she did not know about him.

She wasn't his first. That much was patently obvious. It shouldn't have surprised her, really, given his reputation and his looks. But she of all people knew the gulf between reputations and reality. Reaching forward, she brushed wayward strands of hair out of his face. God, he looks so young when he sleeps. The thought made her smile. She was the older of the two of them, by six months or thereabouts. But somehow seventeen seemed aeons older than sixteen.

Dorcas shifted to pick up her watch from the windowsill. Half past two. She was about to awaken Sirius when she heard the unmistakeable sound of footfalls on the staircase.

"What the--?" It was James Potter's voice, accompanied by the telltale rattling of the doorknob. Dorcas threw off the sheets and reached for her clothing. Beside her, Sirius stirred but did not wake. "Oi! Padfoot, you in there?" called James. "Wake up, you lazy git! It's the middle of the bloody afternoon!"

"Go 'way," mumbled Sirius, burying his head beneath the pillows.

Dorcas stifled a snort of laughter. Slipping her arms through her shirtsleeves as she bent over him, she murmured, "I don't think he heard you, love."

Sirius' eyes opened and he offered her a sleepy grin. "What time is it?"

"Half two," she replied.

"Padfoot! Are you deaf?"

"Prongs, take a bloody hint!" Sirius growled. "I'm otherwise occupied."

There was a pause. Then, James asked, in a thankfully lowered voice, "Are you wanking?"

"Yes. Flagrantly. On your bed. In other words, none of your sodding business!"

Dorcas couldn't quite hide her laughter this time, emitted a slight squeak. Taking advantage of her distraction, Sirius looped one arm around her waist and pulled her back onto the bed.

"What the hell was that?" demanded James. "It's my room too, you realise."

"What do you want, Prongs?" Sirius groaned. "It's May, the weather is beautiful, you ought to be outside. And don't you have practice anyway? Don't we have that little thing called the final House Cup match next week?"

"If you'd look through the window, you stupid prat, you'd see that it's now raining."

It did occur to Dorcas that James was right. But she was too busy muffling her laughter with the nearest pillow to care. Sirius shot her a good-natured glare. "You're very helpful."

"Padfoot, you have two options. One, you pass me my Transfiguration book. Or two, I walk in."

"Oh, very well," Sirius retorted. Pulling his robe off the hook beside his bed, he shoved his arms through the sleeves as he crossed the room to James's bed, where Dorcas assumed he had left the book. Sirius padded to the door, pulled it open, and shoved the book at his friend. "One Transfiguration book."

"You weren't joking, were you?"

"What part of 'none of your sodding business' escapes you, Prongs?" Sirius demanded tetchily. "You had practice. Moony's...doing whatever it is Moony's been doing these past few weeks. Merlin knows he doesn't tell me anything. And Wormtail's with Hennessey."

"Fine, fine. I'm not criticising. Though...you were joking about my bed, right?" James sounded so anxious that Dorcas had to stifle yet another burst of laughter.

"Think about it, Prongs. Think very hard. Then we'll talk." And with that, Sirius closed the door and locked it.

"Padfoot, at least give me a time frame, for Merlin's sake!" James shouted after him.

"An hour!" Sirius yelled back.

"A full hour? What do you need that for? Bloody courtship? Dinner and flowers?"

"Prongs, do I question your methods of self-gratification?" Without waiting for an answer, Sirius barrelled onward. "I don't, and I count myself wise not to do so. Now go away!"

Dorcas could feel her entire body shaking at this point, and the pillow was wet with tears. "Dear Lord..." she gasped between spasms of laughter. "I think I've burst a lung."

Sirius flopped back onto the bed. "I'm glad to see my annoyance amuses you."

"Your annoyance, my dear, is quite brilliant. Now tell me something that isn't funny so I can stop..." she hiccupped, "...laughing."

Sirius just looked at her for several seconds, the beginnings of a smile forming on his face. And Dorcas, looking back, realised belatedly that she wasn't laughing anymore. In fact, she'd quite forgotten to breathe.

"Not fair," she murmured. "Not fair at all."

"I've never played fair," was his laughing response as he drew her down for a kiss.

***

The term meandered onward with relatively few incidents of any note. At least none that Lily would openly admit to. The looming presence of exams kept most of the sixth-years occupied in some form or another. Sirius had taken to spending most of his time with Dorcas, James, and Kate, either in the library or outside, as the days grew warmer. When Lily finally found the courage to ask Remus what he thought, the only answer he gave her was that it saved him the trouble of trying to make polite conversation.

The two of them had stuck to one another since Easter hols, more out of expediency than anything else, as Lily was notably uncomfortable around James following Sirius' unexpected confession, and Remus was doing his very best not to discuss the Whomping Willow incident.

Nonetheless, it seemed that, outside the close circle of friends, the events of the first week of March had all but dissipated from people's minds. Gryffindor was once again in close contention for the House Cup, James was practically a shoo-in for Quidditch Captain next year, and rumours were flitting about that Lily might be named Head Girl. As the past several Head Girls had been from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw almost exclusively, it seemed no mean feat.

Emmeline Vance had been teasing Lily about precisely that after their Charms lecture, and Lily had lost herself in thoughts to such an extent that she did not see where she was going until she ended up in a corridor she hadn't seen before, facing Severus Snape and Evan Rosier.

Had it just been Severus, she wouldn't have been quite so uncomfortable, but Rosier had the most unnerving eyes, clear and green and penetrating. Oh, half the girls in school tittered about how attractive he was, but while Lily could acknowledge the aesthetic appeal, he seemed such an unpleasant person to her that she couldn't see past that.

"Severus," she ventured, taking several steps back almost on instinct. "I've not seen much of you lately. How are you?"

He laughed shortly. "As well as can be expected, though I can't see why it's any business of yours."

"I was worried about you," protested Lily, the words escaping before she could think better of them.

Severus' face could have been carved from stone, save for the smirk curling at the corner of his mouth. "How touching."

Rosier was openly snickering at this point. "Come on, Snape. We've got better things to do."

They swept past her, only to stop short at the sound of James Potter's voice from the entrance to the corridor. "Snape. Rosier. What do you think you're doing?"

"We were walking, Potter, but now that you're blocking the door, we're standing," Rosier drawled. Lily could imagine the smile on his face without needing to see it. "So if you wouldn't mind moving...?"

Lily cursed under her breath. It really was just her luck that Jam--Potter. Oh, for God's sake, it's not going back to that. Just admit it, Lil.--James would happen to walk by at precisely the wrong moment. But maybe he didn't know she was there...

"I heard Lily's voice back there," James retorted.

So much for that. Just please don't let Sirius be here, please... "It's nothing," she finally said, turning to face them and breathing an audible sigh of relief that Sirius was not there. "I took a wrong turn, no more than that."

James looked more than willing to argue the point, but stepped back. Lily took the opportunity to move closer, albeit cautiously, as the two Slytherins strode past James, Snape muttering something to Rosier that Lily couldn't hear.

"You take that back, Snivellus." James's words were dangerously soft, but he whipped his wand free of his pocket as he spoke them.

Rosier's brows arched upward, delicately. "He wasn't talking to you, Potter. But you Gryffindors never did know how to keep your noses out of other people's business."

"James, don't," Lily reached forward and laid one hand on his arm. "It's not worth it."

"But he--"

Severus swung round, glancing from James to Lily. "You don't need to say it for me, Potter. I was merely remarking upon the irony of my being defended by a Mudblood."

Lily flinched visibly, but held her ground. "You certainly didn't find me so objectionable last term, Snape."

"No, I didn't. Thankfully, I've learnt the error of my ways. And I'd watch myself if I were you, Potter. You do seem prone to making abysmal choices, especially in friends."

"I saved your life, you worthless bastard," spat James. "And Lily sat by you in the Hospital Wing for hours afterward..."

"How quaint," Rosier put in snidely. "Apparently I was mistaken, Snape. Do forgive me. I wasn't aware that the Mudblood was chasing you and not the other way round."

"Forgiven, Rosier. An easy mistake to make, after all, given the circumstances," replied Severus. "And as for you, Potter, don't take the moral high ground with me. You only allowed a potential murderer to escape punishment. Hardly a thing to be proud of."

Lily caught her breath, her fingers closing around the wand in her pocket. If he so much as says Remus' name...

"You'll regret it, Potter. Mark my words. Blood always tells, and Black is aptly named."

With one last swirl of his robes, he strode away down the corridor. Rosier tossed James and Lily one last smirk and followed in his wake.

"Don't," Lily managed to croak out before leaning against the wall and covering her mouth with her hand. She would not cry. Not over Severus Bloody Snape. "Just...don't."

"Did he do anything to you? Anything at all?" James demanded, taking hold of her shoulders. "Slimy bastard."

Lily shook her head. "He didn't do anything, and even if he did, I can hold my own." She glanced up at him and, seeing the look on his face, added, "But thank you, James. I'm quite alright."

He didn't let go. "If he so much as looks at you again..."

"Don't, please. And don't tell anyone. It's nothing. He's just a bitter, twisted, sad excuse for a human being." She forced herself to smile. "I don't care what he thinks."

Despite looking as if he desperately wanted to argue the point, James stepped back. "So long as you're sure."

"I'm sure," she told him firmly. "We should get back to Gryffindor Tower. Come on."

He hesitated visibly, the most curious expression on his face. "Are you...were you...?" He trailed off and stared at the ground. "Is it true what Rosier said?"

"What...you mean about my fancying Snape?" Irrationally, Lily began to laugh. "Oh no, no, not at all. We were friends, nothing more. I just...I thought better of him. I really did, and now..." Before he could say anything, she added, "And if you say 'I told you so', I will hit you."

"I said nothing," he protested, keeping his face manfully straight. "I value having my life, thank you."

"Oh, as if I'll believe that," she retorted automatically. "I've seen you on the Quidditch pitch, James Potter, and if anyone's courting death..." She broke off, embarrassed.

"I didn't realise you paid attention."

"I..." She groped for the words, finally hitting upon, "You're rather hard to miss."

"Am I?" He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, and giving her his full and undivided attention. Lily found herself fighting the urge to claim emotional weakness and flee back to the dormitory, anything to get far enough away from him to think straight...

"Well, you are a bit of a showoff," she pointed out with as much acidity as she could muster, giving him her best Prefect stare. "I seem to recall a particular incident involving upside-down acrobatics that got you hit on the back of the head with a Bludger during the final match against Slytherin in fifth year."

James blinked. Then, much as she had a few moments before, he burst out laughing. "Well, I'll be damned. Moony owes me two Galleons."

"What?"

"He laid two Galleons on your not remembering that. Of course, his exact words were something to the effect of 'I'll wager she's blocked it out', as opposed to actually forgetting it. Just so you don't think he's got a bad opinion of your memory."

Lily found herself laughing as well, helplessly. "It lost you the match."

"It bloody well did not!" James argued, apparently horrified by the idea. "Barton missing the Snitch lost us the match. Or don't you remember that I kept playing even after getting hit in the head?"

"Yes, I recall you did. And nearly ploughed into the Slytherin stands because you couldn't see straight."

"That is beside the point."

"Oh?" Lily looked him directly in the eyes, brows raised. "And what is the point?"

"That you remembered."

Caught off-guard, she just stared at him, conscious that her mouth was hanging open just a little, breath whistling between her teeth. "You really shouldn't say things like that," she murmured, lowering her eyes to the ground.

"Why not?" He moved closer, enough that she could see the tips of his shoes. "It's the truth."

The very air felt warmer. Lily adjusted her grip on her books, hugging them close. You do realise there's nobody in the corridor to see. What nobody knows can't hurt you. She nearly spoke her denial aloud. Why on earth did her inner voice, supposedly of better judgement, sound like Dorcas Meadowes? Well, missy, perhaps you ought to start listening then. No. No, no, and several hundred times no. She was not interested in James Potter. She was not---

"Lily? Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing. I just...I was lost in thoughts, nothing serious."

"Are you sure? Look, don't worry about Snivelly or Rosier or any of those jumped-up Slytherin prats. Padfoot knows enough hexes to send them screaming for the hills. Can't have grown up with his family and not learnt a bit. Especially his cousins."

"His cousins?" she echoed weakly, half-lost in recollection. It was too strong. She was too strong. She swallowed against the words. "It's not that. Don't worry."

"What is it then?"

"Nothing, really. Just me." Lily stepped aside, putting some distance between them. "We really should get back."

He inclined his head in what was not quite a nod. "As you wish."