Be All My Secrets Remembered

La Reine Noire

Story Summary:
'Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall.' Spanning from spring of 1976 through the fateful Halloween night of 1981, the adventures and misadventures of Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, and their contemporaries, particularly those belonging to the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black, Toujours Dysfunctional. Warnings: contains dark thematic material, violence, innuendo, as many literary references as can be managed, and very mild slash.

Chapter 12 - Set the Wine and Dice

Chapter Summary:
Wherein Lily examines the consequences of her actions, Dorcas contemplates her first move, and Remus performs numerous feats of deflection. Lily corners Sirius, everyone returns to Hogwarts, and Snape is presented with a very difficult dilemma.
Posted:
03/30/2005
Hits:
2,114


Chapter Twelve: Set the Wine and Dice

January 1977

"This is bad. This is so bad."

"Lil, what are you going on about?" asked Dorcas between bites of tandoori chicken. "I don't know anything about anything except that it's bad."

"Yeah, that's for certain," Remus added. "This wouldn't have anything to do with champagne and mistletoe, would it?" At the reddening of Lily's cheeks, he grinned. "I thought so. Don't worry. I'm sure Padfoot didn't mind. In fact, he told me as much."

"He's not the problem," Lily muttered, the words jumbled around a mouthful of curry. She'd insisted upon meeting the two of them somewhere in London before term began, and Dorcas had recommended a tiny curry place in Notting Hill.

"What's this about mistletoe and champagne, and why wasn't I invited?"

"Because, Meadowes, you wouldn't have stopped at kissing Black," Remus pointed out, shifting slightly away from Dorcas as he did so, as if to pre-empt any violence.

None was forthcoming. Dorcas' attention was focused solely on Lily. "You kissed him?" At Lily's reluctant nod, a triumphant smile lit her face. "Oh Lil, I'm so proud of you. Good girl! I ought to send Black flowers or something. He succeeded admirably."

"I take it you were the one who asked him to make Lily's life interesting?"

"Look at her, Remus. She needed it and badly. Surely you wouldn't deny that?" Dorcas challenged, shooting him a sideways glance. "And where were you in the midst of all this, Prefect Lupin? I hear you're the sneakiest of them all."

Remus muttered something about hiding in broom closets and busied himself with his food.

"So, spill it." Dorcas took another bite. "Let's hear all the dark and dirty deeds done by one Lily Evans the night before Christmas holidays."

Lily reached for her water, holding up one hand as she took a sip. "As I told you before, Black isn't the problem."

"Then who is?"

"Potter."

"Potter?" the other two chorused, though only one had food in their mouth at the time.

As Remus struggled to counteract the effects of an accidentally swallowed red chilli pepper with an entire glass of water, Dorcas continued, "You kissed him too? I thought you hated him."

"Apparently not," Remus wheezed, wiping tears from his eyes. "Damned chilli peppers."

"Just breathe, Remus," the Ravenclaw prefect commanded before turning her attention back to Lily with a positively wicked smile. "Darling, I'm quite shocked. You've exceeded my expectations. Whatever are we to do with you?"

"You will say nothing of what I just told you or what I'm about to tell you," declared Lily sharply. "There is nothing between me and Potter. I was intoxicated. So was he..."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, dear. He's been mad about you since the middle of fourth year. Isn't that right, Remus?"

"Quite. I'd wondered why he hadn't mentioned you since then. And why he's been so damned clingy with Kate for the past few weeks. This explains everything."

"Don't you see? She's my friend and I kissed her boyfriend. You don't do that!" Lily buried her face in her hands, very nearly knocking over her glass of water. "She's going to kill me if she ever finds out. Unless I die from guilt first."

"Lil?" Dorcas reached forward and tilted Lily's chin back up. "You're not going to die from anything and nobody's going to kill you, least of all Kate. What she doesn't know won't hurt anyone."

"Aren't we amoral?" Remus put in, his tone falling somewhere between chastisement and hidden laughter. "Maybe the Sorting Hat dropped you into the wrong house, Dorcas Meadowes."

"What on earth made you think Ravenclaws weren't sneaky?" she demanded in response. "And you're not particularly angelic yourself, Remus Lupin, so I'd not talk." Turning back to Lily, she smiled indulgently. "Now, tell your Auntie Dorcas what happened, ducks. In excruciating detail, if you please."

Lily told them, her face growing progressively redder as she did so. Thankfully, her audience kept quiet, finishing their lunch unobtrusively as they listened. The recitative took no more than five minutes, at the end of which Remus and Dorcas exchanged glances before Dorcas ventured her opinion.

"If you ask me, Lil, there's no point in your agonising about it. Potter is apparently behaving himself for the time being, so let it lie. Besides, they won't last long."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, frowning.

"I mean, Lil, that their relationship will almost certainly come to what is hopefully a non-ignominious conclusion by the end of this year," Dorcas predicted coolly. "First of all, there's no passion, but as we all know, one can have a perfectly decent relationship sans passion. They also lack..." she thought for a moment, "...I don't want to say they don't respect one another, but there's no better way to say it, really. She ignores the bits of Potter she doesn't like and he does the same. That's not the way to a lasting relationship."

"And what would you know of lasting relationships, O Reigning Tart of Ravenclaw?" teased Remus with a grin. "Last I heard, your longest lasted a month."

"Twenty-five days, to be precise," she corrected him. "And while I may not have personal experience with what makes relationships last, I certainly have vast and varied knowledge of what ends them."

"Can't argue with that," Remus conceded.

"So, if Potter's what you want, wait a few months."

"But I don't want him!" Lily protested hotly. "I don't even like him!"

"One needn't like to love," intoned Remus, perfectly straight-faced. "Pity Black isn't here. He'd have a lot to say on the subject."

"Which is precisely why he isn't," Lily put in. "Besides, he'd feel obligated to tell Potter, wouldn't he? Best friend and all."

Remus shrugged. "He might. Knowing Black, he'd only tell Potter if he felt it were in his and Potter's best interest to do so. And in this case, it's debatable."

Lily rose to her feet. "I've got to visit the loo. I'll be back."

The moment she moved beyond earshot, Dorcas glanced toward Remus. "What do you think?"

"I've been predicting this for...two years, now," he replied. "It's just a matter of Potter growing up, really. And apparently reciting poetry helps."

"Funny," observed Dorcas. "I'd always expected you to go after her."

"Me?" He laughed. "Not bloody likely. She's more than I could handle."

"I don't know about that." Though he might have wanted her to say more, she did not, instead reaching out to toy with the flower sitting in a vase in the middle of the table. "And what about Black?"

"What about him?"

"She kissed him too. Why aren't you encouraging that?"

"Because it would never happen," he answered. "They've got entirely opposing views on how a relationship ought to work."

"Elaborate?"

"Lily won't settle until she's found perfection. She's a perfectionist in everything else; relationships are no different. And Black...who knows what he wants? He's got his pick of nearly every girl at Hogwarts and isn't interested in any of them, Lily included."

"How disappointing." Dorcas didn't sound particularly disappointed.

"You don't mean to say you're interested in him?"

"I might be," she replied, with the suggestion of a smile.

"I'd always seen you as a pragmatist, Dorcas," Remus remarked, frowning. "Isn't mooning over Black the hobby of the empty-headed?"

"My dear, I would have you know I'm approaching the affair from an entirely pragmatic perspective," she refuted calmly. "I'm the perfect girl for him, so far as I can see."

"How so?"

"I don't know what other girls see when they look at him, but I can't help thinking it involves wedding bells, white satin, and black-haired cherubic children. Happily ever after."

"And you don't see that," Remus concluded. "What do you see, then?"

Dorcas looked at him, a curious and indefinable expression on her face. "I don't want an ending, Remus. If there's anything I've learnt from the past few years, it's that looking for an ending means you ignore what's in front of you. That the only thing worth living for is now." She lowered her eyes, laughing softly. "I'm going into Auror training at the Ministry, for crying out loud. I expect to die gloriously before the age of forty. It would be a shame to have no life to look back on, wouldn't it?"

Remus only stared at her, at a complete loss for words.

"When I look at Sirius Black, I see fun. Laughter. Something to burn quickly, but so brightly it inflames the sky, all-consuming and beautiful. And when it's over, you can look back on it and say that you lived to the fullest." She laughed again, a self-deprecating grin lighting her face. "Well, look at the poetic pragmatist. To put it bluntly, I've been curious for some time and I've not had a good fling in..." she had to think for a moment, "...at least two months. Which is a crime, as far as I'm concerned."

"Is that what you think he wants?" he finally managed. "A fling?"

"I don't know what he wants," she replied with a shrug. "I was hoping you might at least point me in the right direction."

He exhaled through his teeth. "Much as it pains me to admit it, you might have the right idea."

While Remus might have said more, and seemed keen on doing so, Lily emerged from the corridor and settled back down at the table. Apparently unperturbed, Dorcas turned to her with barely a pause. "We were about to send out a search party."

"It was a bit hard to find," Lily explained. "I accidentally ended up in the kitchens and most everyone down there didn't speak English. What did you two talk about?"

"Meadowes, here, has her eye on a certain disowned member of the House of Black," Remus explained with a roll of his eyes. "What she sees in him, apparently, is a complete lack of commitment and future."

"Would you say I'm inaccurate?"

"No," he conceded, "but I would say you've got seriously twisted priorities."

"I told you, Remus. You know my career plan and its somewhat low life expectancy. Black is apparently heading in the same direction."

"Dorcas, really, must you keep pointing that out?" Lily groaned. "I'm not looking forward to your funeral as much as you are."

"Lil, I'm being a realist."

"You're being depressing."

"Very well then. The fact that he's charming, entertaining, entirely fit, and apparently quite the good snog has a bit to do with it," she admitted with a grin. "Unless, of course, he's...otherwise inclined? Is he, Remus?"

"I can't think what you mean," he replied, suddenly very interested in his plate. "Otherwise inclined?"

"Remus..." At the singsong tone, he looked back up at her, and she leaned toward him, obviously trying very hard not to laugh. "Do you know something we don't?"

"I know absolutely nothing about Black's inclinations, one way or the other," he replied, holding her gaze with what he felt to be superhuman effort.

"There was that Beauxbatons girl," ventured Lily, obviously unaware of any subtext between the other two, "and she was absolutely gorgeous. Though he claimed there wasn't anything going on."

"I don't think gorgeous matters much," Dorcas observed absently enough, though she kept her eyes on Remus. "You've seen his cousins. Any one of them could make the cover of Witch Weekly without any effort whatsoever. In fact, I could have sworn one of them did not long ago...whichever one it was married Lucius Malfoy."

"Narcissa," Remus clarified, clinging to the change of subject with all itinerant enthusiasm. "I met her once. She seemed nice enough, though I have to wonder at her taste, marrying Malfoy."

"Oh, I was quite infatuated with Malfoy during our first year." At the two incredulous looks directed her way, Dorcas laughed. "Can you blame me?"

"Yes!" Remus' eyebrows had risen to the point that they nearly vanished beneath his rather floppy hair. "How about the part where he's an evil pure-blooded fanatic?"

"I didn't know that then," she pointed out mildly, "and I maintain that he's probably not nearly as bad as you believe him to be. As far as I was concerned, he was one of the Slytherin prefects and delightful to look at. But then again, we Ravenclaws never had quite the low opinion of Slytherin that you lot seem to have."

"We don't..." Lily began to protest before breaking off. "Right, maybe some of us do. But look at them. How many are going to turn bad the moment they leave Hogwarts? Join up with that...oh, whatever on earth his name is...the one who wants a complete break with the re---Muggle world?"

"I can think of a certain dark-haired assistant to the Potions Master that might be persuaded to keep to the light," Dorcas suggested, "given proper incentive of course."

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean," Lily replied, each word a cleanly delineated warning.

"I can only assume you refer to Snape," said Remus, "though I have no idea what you mean either."

"Apparently nobody does but me." Dorcas leaned back in her seat, taking the hint. "Most of the Slytherins are perfectly nice. You can't judge simply based on a single group. Otherwise we Ravenclaws would all be unsociable library mice, you lot would be chasing windmills with Sir Cadogan de la Mancha, the Hufflepuffs would band together, never speak to anyone else...and probably defeat the Slytherins in the end because the Slytherins would be too busy killing one another in a typically Machiavellian fashion. Which would leave us in a world ruled by Hufflepuffs..." she frowned, "...actually I can't see any obvious problems with that. Peace, love, stability, and badgers. Considering the alternatives, it might well be the best thing we've got."

"You've thought about this far too much, Meadowes." Remus shook his head. "Anyway, Slytherins aside, you're definitely after Black, then?"

"I don't think after is the right term. Interested, yes. Unless you can think of a good reason for me not to be?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

The conversation drifted into somewhat more mundane regions, much to Lily's relief.

***

A week later found the three of them on the Hogwarts Express, steaming northward from London, accompanied by James, Sirius, Peter, and Kate. Dorcas had popped into their compartment to say hello before wandering back to the one she shared with several other Ravenclaws. It was an entirely uneventful journey, as it happened, the most interesting interlude being Sirius relating the latest exploits of his cousin's daughter, whom he stubbornly referred to only as 'Tonks the Younger'.

"Sirius?" Lily enquired as innocently as she could after he had finished his recital to appreciative laughter from the rest of the compartment. "I'm going to find something to eat. Would you care to join me?"

He shrugged and followed her from the compartment. No sooner had they left when she drew him to the end of the train car and stopped.

"Look, I need to ask you something."

"Ask away," he replied. "Is something the matter?"

"When you kissed me...was it...was it just a kiss?" She knew she ought to look at him, but her eyes were fixed on the floor. "I don't want awkwardness."

"I'm not sure what you mean," Sirius finally said, puzzlement evident in his voice. "I just saw it as a bit of fun, but..."

"Really?" Lily looked at him now, eyes wide. "You mean that?"

"You don't need to sound that ecstatic about it," he retorted, "but yes. I do mean that. It was a bit of fun, and I don't feel that way about you. For one thing, Potter would roast me alive..." he broke off, grinning suddenly. "Lily?"

"Yes?" She bit her lip, trying her best not to blush.

"You snogged him, didn't you?" There was definite teasing in his tone now. "I knew it!"

"I did nothing of the sort," she protested.

"You're blushing, Lil. And you're a terrible liar. Besides, the mistletoe only leaves when the person underneath kisses someone else, so..." he let the sentence trail off deliberately. "Did you enjoy it?"

"I..." she grasped for the words. "It wasn't hateful, no." Then, something struck her. "Wait, you said the mistletoe left when you kiss someone else, but you didn't know that when you left me with Potter. Which means you had to have kissed someone else too and seen it leave."

"Maybe I did," Sirius replied. "Or maybe I just saw it. I can't imagine that sentient a sprig of mistletoe would visit the same person twice."

"You've a point," conceded Lily, albeit reluctantly. "Just you wait, Sirius Black. I'll find something, and when I do, you won't hear the end of it."

"I don't doubt it," he laughed. "Now come on, did you really want food, or was that just your excuse?"

"I've got rather a craving for chocolate, in all honesty." And with that, they went off to find the snack cart.

They arrived at Hogwarts well after nightfall, but Lily was anything but tired. It was January, after all, and night had an annoying habit of falling somewhere around four in the afternoon. Lily strolled down the lower corridors, following the somewhat eerie sound of music apparently coming from the Potions dungeon.

"Severus?" she called somewhat hesitantly as she peeked through the door. He had stayed at Hogwarts over Christmas holiday, as he was wont to do, and it seemed a logical enough place to find him. "Are you here?"

"Just a moment..." His voice was muffled slightly, and she caught the glimpse of a suspicious-looking purple flame exploding in a darker corner of the dungeon, in perfect concord with what she now recognised as Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

"I didn't know you liked Beethoven," she observed.

"It's Professor Agrippa's," Severus explained, stepping into the light and pulling aside the towel he had wrapped around his face. "He claims the music helps him work."

"Is he here, then?"

Severus shrugged. "He went into his office a little while ago. I don't mind the music, so I see no reason to switch it off. Though the turntable was a present from Professor Flitwick that apparently switches songs amidst a giant repertoire depending on the listener's mood."

"Really?" Lily stepped into the room, glancing about for the mysterious turntable. "Where is it?"

He pointed in the vague direction of the next room just as the movement finished and two low sustained notes on a horn signalled the start of a very different song. Lily turned back to Severus, laughing softly.

"This hardly seems like your style," she remarked. "Muggle popular music?"

Severus shrugged. "I don't know. Not my turntable."

I gave my heart and soul to you, girl

Didn't I do it, baby? Didn't I do it, baby?

"You're the one who said it read moods." Lily held out one hand to him. "Do you dance, Severus?"

"No," he replied shortly.

"Are you sure? It's not difficult," she pointed out.

"I don't dance," he reiterated. "Never did."

"I was told recently that I don't have enough fun. Now, you make me look like an absolute troublemaker in comparison." Lily reached slightly further, slipping her fingers through his. "Just one dance won't kill you. Please?"

Despite looking as though it was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, he let her manoeuvre him into a position somewhat more conducive to dancing, one of his hands at her waist, one of hers on his shoulder. She was somewhat shorter than him, the top of her head coming to about the level of his nose.

Didn't I blow your mind this time? Didn't I?

He smelled of sage, something she had never been close enough to catch before. Not that it was surprising, given what she had apparently interrupted.

"Don't be so stiff," she advised, tilting her head up so she could murmur the words in his ear. "I don't bite."

He shivered. A curious reaction. "I never thought you did." But he took her advice, his hand slipping to the base of her spine. "Lily, I..."

Didn't I blow your mind this time? Didn't I?

"You what?" asked Lily, smiling. "You're a perfectly good dancer, Severus."

"It's not that, it's..."

"Oi! Snape!"

The sound of Evan Rosier's unmistakeable drawl caused Severus to jerk back so fast that he nearly slammed into one of the desks. Lily, startled, looked up at him with unconcealed bafflement as several of the sixth-year Slytherin boys entered the room.

"Evans?" There was a smile in Rosier's voice, but not a pleasant one. "What are you doing here?"

"I've a right to be here, same as you," she retorted, her eyes still on Severus. He was very carefully looking at anything but her. "Last I heard, the Potions dungeon isn't subject to any House. Isn't that right, Severus?"

"Of course it isn't." His voice was perfectly expressionless, as was his face when he looked at her again. "She was just leaving."

"Was I?" she demanded. The last strains of the song disappeared, replaced by Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D-Minor. "If you insist, Snape," she finally said, acid verily dripping from the words. Shooting him one last glare, she swept through the crowd of boys and from the room.

"Something the matter, Rosier?" Severus enquired.

Rosier shrugged. "Nothing, mate. Just wondering what you were doing listening to Muggle music with a Mudblood is all."

"The music isn't mine. And she was looking for Professor Agrippa." Invisible to any of the others, his hand clenched around the corner of the desk behind him. "Good Christmas?"

"Good enough," replied Rosier. "That party of Father's was the highlight."

"It was certainly interesting," Severus agreed, his guard very much in evidence.

"Snape, may I offer you a piece of advice?"

He made a noncommittal noise.

"She's not worth your time. No Mudblood is. Especially if you want..." he paused deliberately, "...what do you want to do later in life, Snape?"

He shrugged. "Not really thought about it."

"Lucius Malfoy asked my father about you after the party."

"Did he?"

Rosier nodded. "I saw you talking with his wife. You caught her attention, which means you've got Malfoy's by default. My father may be too thick to notice, but I'm not."

"She seemed nice enough," replied Severus carefully. "Certainly nicer than I expected from a Black, former or otherwise."

"You know how well connected they are. But if you want to take advantage of that, to be seen with the likes of Lily Evans spells disaster." Stepping closer, he lowered his voice with a leer, "Shag her if you like, Snape, but you'd do better to be less public about it."

"I've no interest in shagging her," he retorted, face unreadable. "Can't think where you get your ideas."

"My mistake, then," Rosier held out his hands in a gesture of defeat. "Come on. You've probably been living down here all this time. Get some air. It'll do you good."

"I'll be up in a little while. Just let me clean up."

They left, murmuring amongst themselves. As Severus slowly cleaned up his experiment, the song began to play again.

"You're wrong," he muttered. "What does a bloody turntable know anyway?"

"More than you think, Severus," came Professor Agrippa's voice from the office doorway. "Is there anything you might want to talk about?"

"No, Professor, but I appreciate the offer," replied Severus, concentrating on a particularly difficult stain on the tabletop that Evanesco had for some reason not dealt with. "Thank you," he added quickly, before muttering, "Scourgify!"

"Don't worry about that." Professor Agrippa waved his hand dismissively. "How did the potion turn out?"

"Reasonably well, Professor, though it smelled a bit like dead fish. Was it supposed to?"

"It did contain swordfish gills," the Potions Master pointed out, "imported all the way from Singapore if that's any consolation." He studied his assistant in silence for a few seconds. "You met him, didn't you?"

"Not as such, sir," Severus temporised, finally looking Professor Agrippa in the eye, "but he was there. Going about, talking to people, being surprisingly sociable considering all the rumours I'd heard about him."

"Severus, you don't need him. His power stems from darkness, from instability, and someday it will explode in his face. You are better than that."

"Oh, am I?" the young man snapped, forgetting for a second exactly who he was addressing. "Tell that to James Bloody Potter the next time he decides to use me for target practice!"

"I don't approve of his actions any more than you do--" Agrippa cut himself off, closing his eyes for a second. "They've started killing, Severus. An entire family of Muggles on holiday in St. Ives, just last week. There was a mark in the sky, a skull and serpent, over the place where the bodies were found. Not a mark on them, but witnesses were drawn in by the screaming. Said it was like nothing else they'd ever heard, before the Aurors modified their memories. You know what that means."

Even in the ill-lit room, and even considering his usual colouring, Severus had paled noticeably. "Cruciatus."

Agrippa nodded. "It isn't worth it, Severus. That kind of power is transient at best. At worst...I daren't even think. Facilis decensis Averni. Easy is the descent. It's the climbing back out that presents a problem."

"Someone really ought to inform Potter and Black of that particular fact. For all that they go on about Gryffindor honour, I can't see it in them. And Lupin's no better. He seems to think that just because he stopped them once, he's filled his quota, or something to that effect."

"And what of Lily Evans?" The question was phrased with nothing save mild curiosity.

Severus shrugged. "What of her? If anything, she's made the Potter situation worse."

"You know what I mean."

"It'll never happen, sir. She's got no interest in me and I..." he bit his lip before reiterating, "it would never happen. Some things simply aren't meant to be."

"I never knew you to be a fatalist," Agrippa observed somewhat sadly.

"I'm not. But I know there are lines I don't cross, for my own reasons."

"The heart pays no mind to lines, Severus. Just so you know."

He smiled then, bitterly. "With all due respect, Professor, this has nothing to do with the heart."

"You aren't going to convince me that this is all some complex revenge scheme against James Potter, if that's what you're trying to do," the Potions Master said. "Even though it may well have started out that way. I'm not blind, Severus."

"Nor am I, sir. I also know better than that. And besides, give me one more month, and it will no longer be a problem."

"You know I don't approve of what you're doing."

Severus looked at him long and hard. "Would you stop me?"

Agrippa shook his head with a sigh. "In all the time I have known you, Severus, have I ever stopped you?" The thought seemed to give the young man pause, and he shook his head. "I would have you stop by your own choice. It is our choices, after all, that make us."

"I understand that, sir. I also have no choice." He opened his mouth as if to speak further when a tall shadow fell over them both from the doorway.

"I thought you said a few minutes?" Rosier enquired, smiling. "Good evening, Professor Agrippa."

"Good evening, Evan. I'm afraid I'm the cause of the delay." He stepped back to allow Severus past the table. "And you always have a choice, Severus. Remember that."

Severus hovered, glancing between them. Rosier rolled his eyes. "Are you coming or not, Snape?"

After one last look at Professor Agrippa, he followed Rosier down the corridor.


Author notes: Title taken from Virgil's poem "The Female Tavern-Keeper" (trans. Joseph J. Mooney--and no, I swear, the name really is a coincidence). The concluding lines (which can be read as Dorcas' life philosophy) are as follows:

"Then set
The wine and dice, and let him perish who
Doth care about to-morrow. Death your ear
Demands and says, 'I come, so live to-day'."

Professor Agrippa also references the Aeneid, and an as-yet-unpublished novel entitled Suffer the Innocent.

The song Lily and Snape dance to is 'Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)' by The Delfonics, from 1968.