Be All My Secrets Remembered

Prologue: The End

1 November 1981

(And so the world ends. Not with a bang, but with--)

No, Sirius. I'd say there was a bang. A very palpable bang, if you think about it. When Wormtail pulled out his wand and--

He swallowed against the urge to retch as the scent of burnt flesh drifted upward.

It was him all along. You should have known. You should have seen. How could you have been so very blind, Sirius? He was a Death Eater all along.

But he hadn't been. Not all the time, surely. Not while they were still in school, when Wormtail had always trailed behind them, ever the faithful stupid lapdog. Or lap-rat as the case had been with him.

A rat. He'd scuttled down the sewer. Chopped off his own finger, left the grisly memento alongside the twelve charred bodies of people he'd never seen before. People he'd murdered in the blink of an eye with a curse Sirius had only heard stories about.

I never thought he would...I never thought him capable...and Moony. God, Moony. Forgive me, please. I swear, I thought I did the right thing.

His friend's face before him now, caught between disgust and resignation, the last image Sirius had of him. But there would be no forgiveness from Remus now. Not when Sirius had as good as killed the last of their closest friends. And he wouldn't know about Wormtail either, now that he'd ostensibly died as well. There was only Sirius. Sirius, who had doomed them all.

You never think before you act, Sirius. Moony would never have betrayed Prongs and Lily. You of all people should have known that.

(--the blasted remains of the house in Godric's Hollow, snap-crack of flame almost hid the whimper of the child, barely one year old, in Rubeus Hagrid's massive arms--)

"Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?"

Yes, how could I? How could I have left them with you?

But he'd fooled them all, Wormtail had. Kept quiet about precisely how skilled he was, hid it behind a mask of stammering subservience. He'd been quiet as they performed the Fidelius Charm, but surely if he'd acted oddly, Prongs would have noticed. Right? "I won't let you down, Prongs, I swear."

And at this remembrance, Sirius Black began to laugh. There, in the street, staring blindly down at the wand in his hand, he laughed, the sound only barely removed from a howl.

Chapter One: In Medias Res

May 1976

"I don't believe this." Sirius dropped the parchment on the floor, his face screwed into an expression of abject distaste. "And I'd had such high hopes for my cousin too."

Across the room, Remus Lupin reluctantly dragged his attention away from the pages of Advanced Transfiguration and peered curiously at Sirius. "I hope you don't expect me to know your entire family tree by heart, Padfoot. Not even Prongs does, and I he's met more of them than I have."

In response, the black-haired boy growled something unintelligible.

"Do you plan to tell me which cousin this is? And if not," he shrugged, "you can at least shut up and let me read."

"I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you." With blithe unconcern, Sirius strolled to the couch where his friend sat, and threw himself upon it, dislodging several neat piles of papers and producing an impressive litany of swearwords from Remus.

"For shame, Moony. A Prefect using such language...I'm shocked."

This time, it was Remus who refused to answer, choosing instead to pick up the fallen papers and begin to painstakingly separate them yet again.

"Oh Moony, don't be such a spoilsport." Sirius snatched the papers away and, barely glancing at each one as he did so, ordered them in thirty seconds flat. "Now."

"Now what?" Remus crossed his arms. "Are you going to tell me something or do I have to stun you to keep you out of my way?"

"You'd never stun me," retorted Sirius with a grin. "But as I was saying, that parchment was from my mother. My darling cousin Narcissa--who I'd previously pegged as having at least a kernel of sense--is getting married in June. Mother claims she told me months ago, but damned if I remember."

"Oh." Remus frowned. "This isn't the Narcissa that Prongs...?"

"The very one." Sirius laughed. "Not that it's all dry plotting either. He used to fancy her when she was here. The unattainable older woman. Then she left, Evans grew up, and he forgot about 'Cissa. Though it hasn't stopped him from telling everyone he had a fling with her over Easter hols."

"Well, that's going to cause problems, isn't it?" he enquired. "I sincerely doubt Lily Evans will believe an engaged woman has any interest in Prongs. His plan will backfire spectacularly."

"As Prongs' plans are wont to do," Sirius reminded him. "Or don't you remember when he tried to show off for her during the last Quidditch match and got hit in the back of the head with a Bludger?" He paused. "Don't you want to know who the lucky man is?"

"I'm quite sure I have no interest whatsoever."

Ignoring him, Sirius continued, "Lucius Malfoy."

Despite his evinced lack of interest, Remus perked up. "You've got to be joking."

"I only wish I were." Sirius sighed. "Toujours pur, remember? I'm beginning to think I ought to ask out Evans, just to give Mother a nice case of apoplexy."

"Not a bright idea, considering she thinks you're an arrogant prat," Remus pointed out. "Even more arrogant than Prongs, which is impressive."

Sirius blinked. "She used to not mind me so much. Third year, I remember. We were partners in Transfiguration and I think she actually tolerated me for about two terms straight."

"I think the bit where you cut off all contact with everybody including her over the summer and then treated her as though she were invisible when term started again might have annoyed her just a little. We're used to it," he added, "but girls are sensitive about those sorts of things."

"Oh." He frowned. "There were circumstances. Unavoidable ones."

"Well, maybe you ought to have told Lily that instead of shrugging and saying nothing. Not that it matters now. You're both older and wiser. Which is more than I can say for your cousin."

"What, you don't approve of Lucius Malfoy?" Sirius pronounced the name with the same exaggeratedly aristocratic air he'd come to associate with Malfoy.

"He must be old enough to be her father." With a shudder, he marked his page and closed the book.

"Not really. He was in his last year when we started, and he and 'Cissa were Prefects in Slytherin together. Though he does look older than he is. On everything else, I do agree with you. He's...well, a slimy bastard, for lack of a more eloquent term. Not to mention he's mixed up in some sort of strange Dark Arts cult, or so I'd heard." Sirius shook his head. "And here I thought the extra year abroad at Beauxbatons would be a good thing for her."

"It might well have been something else, you know. Maybe she's in love with him," offered Remus, only half-joking.

"With him? She has less sense than even I gave her credit for having. Of course, if you like self-centred, manipulative, snobbish prats who enjoy playing with the Dark Arts..."

Remus choked on a snort of laughter.

"What?" demanded Sirius.

"Nothing," he barely managed, unable to look at his friend without laughing. Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared until Remus calmed enough to form complete sentences. "You just described yourself is all. Except for the Dark Arts bit."

For a second, Sirius could only stare, stung. "I'm not snobbish."

"I was worried you'd try to deny everything." Again, he was laughing uncontrollably and nearly fell off the sofa. "Honestly, Padfoot, you ought to listen to yourself sometimes."

"I always listen to myself. I just don't happen to share your views." Sirius shrugged, reaching for one of the sheets of notes and glancing through it idly. "And besides, I can think of lots of people who find me perfectly nice."

"I don't know if 'nice' is the word you ought to be using if you're talking about the second-year girls who stare at you like you're made of chocolate," Remus jibed.

"That's not what I mean," Sirius retorted. He'd been flattered by the attention as a third- and possibly even a fourth-year, but now it was honestly embarrassing. If he didn't hear another giggle again or never receive another note penned in pink ink with lipstick on the envelope, it would be too soon.

"Or that girl from Beauxbatons that you pretend no longer exists?" Remus enquired. "I hate to be the one to say it, mate, but I doubt she finds you in any way nice now."

"Who?"

"That girl you told me about from when you visited Narcissa at Beauxbatons last year...you don't remember her?"

"I..." Sirius thought for a moment, "Oh yes. I think I know whom you mean."

"You mean there was more than one?" Remus raised his eyebrows. "I meant the one from that photograph in Witch Weekly, the one whose father is the French Minster of Magic or some such nonsense. And don't think I didn't have to hear about it from all the girls who read that magazine."

"There might have been," Sirius replied with a grin. "I can't give away all my secrets, you know. But yes, I do remember her. Eliane Raimbaut from Poitiers, and her father is not the Minister of Magic, but his assistant. She and I still write to one another, if you must know. She helped me with my French."

Remus seemed about to say something when the door swung dramatically open to admit a soaking-wet James Potter.

As ever, Sirius had to get the first word in. "What did you do this time, Prongs? Fall into the fountain because Evans passed by?"

James glared at his friend and threw his sodden robes over the nearest chair. "No, Padfoot, as a matter of fact it just started raining."

"Why are you glaring at me? I don't control the weather...at least not that I'll admit to." Sirius stretched lazily. "You know she was seeing the Ravenclaw Beater, Travers. If she was watching Quidditch practice, that's probably why."

"I just don't understand. Why is she being so bloody unreasonable?" He sank into the chair that Sirius had occupied earlier. "And she and Travers broke up months ago. Trust me, I'd know. Life became far less disgusting when I didn't see her hanging all over him. Anyone would think she did it on purpose to make me jealous..." he perked up. "Maybe she did! She knows she can't possibly do any better."

"My humble opinion, if I might be allowed to present it," Sirius paused just long enough for James to nod, "leans toward that being your problem. Modesty was never your strong suit."

"Hello pot, meet kettle?" Remus put in, earning himself a halfhearted punch in the shoulder.

"Where's Wormtail?" Sirius enquired. "He's always watching Quidditch practice."

"McGonagall walked by and had to talk to him about something. Probably worried he'll fail Transfiguration or somesuch." James rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Moony, I can't see why you're so worried about it. We'll all do perfectly well."

"You mean you and Padfoot will do perfectly well," corrected Remus, grimacing. "Some of us actually have to study, you know. And you should take it easy on Wormtail. He's had a difficult year."

The other two boys exchanged glances. Sirius frowned. "Moony, you know we study." To the other remark, he made no response.

"I know it in theory. In practice, however, I have my doubts." He stood up and piled his papers and books together. "At any rate, I've got...a study meeting. So I'll be off then."

"A study meeting? Is that what they're calling them nowadays?" Sirius asked mischievously. "Come on now, Moony. If you can't tell us the truth, then who can you tell? Who is she, and is the snogging any good?"

"No, it actually is a study meeting. I need some work on Charms and neither of you is helpful in the least," he retorted. "I'll see you lot later."

As the door closed behind Remus, Sirius glanced over at his best friend with a frown. "What do you think he meant by that?"

"Meant by what? It's his business if he's seeing a girl," James answered mildly.

"I meant Wormtail. He's not the only one that's had a difficult year." Much as he hated the thought, he realised his voice sounded rather defensive. "Some of us just aren't so bloody obvious about it."

"Some of us aren't Sirius Black. Besides, Wormtail was close to his dad." Seeing the expression on Sirius' face, he added quickly, "Not that you weren't close to yours. I didn't mean it that way. But...you've got the rest of your family. Wormtail's just got his mum."

"I'd take his mum over most of my family," muttered Sirius. "You've seen them."

"They don't see that bad," James ventured. "Your mum's a bit stiff. And your brother's a prat. But your cousins..."

"I know why you like my cousins," Sirius said dryly. "You don't listen to them. You just stare."

"I appreciate them. Come on, even you've got to admit they're gorgeous. Really." James was smiling now, having surreptitiously performed a few spells to dry his clothing. "Besides, don't the Blacks like to...keep it in the family, if you know what I mean?"

"If you mean to ask if I fancy either of my cousins, the answer is a resounding no." If the words were somewhat sharper than might have been necessary, James paid it no heed. "Not that it matters. Wormtail will get through. Same way we all do."

"Skivving off classes and playing pranks on as many professors as possible?" James suggested.

"Naturally."

***

It was only as Remus drew nearer that he realised at least two of the girls were giggling helplessly and pointing in his direction. He couldn't quite catch what they were saying, only the response made by their somewhat exasperated target.

"...can't you two think about anything other than kissing?"

Remus stopped short, feeling the heat rise in his neck. And that just happened to be the point when auburn-haired Lily Evans turned around and looked him directly in the eye.

"Remus! How nice. I was hoping you'd get here soon, so you could steal me away from these nitwits," she gestured blithely to her friends, who continued their giggling. "I was trying to study and they apparently don't need to."

"You ought to go to the Common Room, then," Remus suggested to the two girls, whom he distinctly recalled as having passed notes back and forth throughout the year during History of Magic, detailing precisely how attractive they thought Sirius was. "I believe that's where all the people that don't need to study are lazing about."

Immediately taking his meaning, the two girls snatched up their books and ran off, leaving Lily smiling helplessly. "I think I can guess who that includes."

"I keep my secrets," he replied with a grin. "Courtyard?"

"Yes." She gathered up her things, somewhat slower than her former companions, and they began walking out of the Hall. "Moira and Kate been driving me mad," she admitted somewhat ruefully. "They want me to ask you about Sirius Black."

Remus choked on an attack of laughter. "About Sirius? Why?"

"They fancy him. Well, Moira does. Kate just likes to encourage her. Or so I hope." Lily fixed her brilliantly green eyes upon him. "But I think you knew that already. Seeing as they didn't even bother to fold the notes they threw across your desk in Professor Binns' lecture."

"You have a point." He shrugged. "So, what did they want to know?"

"Well...the usual sorts of things. Who was that girl from the photograph in Witch Weekly? Are they still together? And if not, is he looking?"

"Some girl from Beauxbatons. No. And no." Remus replied succinctly.

Lily tilted her head to one side. "That was quick."

"If I had a Knut for every time I was asked..." he sighed.

She smiled then, again looking somewhat sheepish. "I suppose they would ask you. You're the approachable one, after all."

"I am?" Remus pretended dismay. "You mean my status as Prefect doesn't terrify everyone? I'm so disappointed."

"You're far too nice, Remus. You really are." Her smile faded. "Far too nice to be around those two...characters."

"They're not that bad, really."

"Did Potter tell you to say that to me?" she asked archly. "Because you can tell him it won't work. I'm not interested. And you can tell him I don't believe he had a fling with Narcissa Black either."

"He didn't put me up to it, strangely enough. I do mean that." Colouring slightly, Remus focused his attention on precisely where his feet were taking him. "I'm not his messenger."

"I never said you were." Lily's voice was surprisingly gentle, causing him to turn and look at her. "He's just so very obvious about...you know. And I wish he'd understand that I'm not interested. He's so immature. Strutting around all over the place, playing with a Snitch even though he's not even a Seeker..."

"Well, one can't really toss a Quaffle around without looking like a prize idiot," observed Remus mildly.

"But he still manages to look like a prize idiot! At least to me," she added. "My friends disagree. They all think I'm mad for ignoring him."

"To each their own, or so I've always been told."

"They seem to think I fancy you."

Remus stared, and in doing so, tripped over the doorframe. "You don't...do you?"

"No."

"Good. That would be awkward," he muttered.

She went on, as though she hadn't even heard him. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable. You're a good friend and nothing more. They don't believe a girl can just be friends with a boy. Isn't that stupid?"

"Very." Remus managed as he caught up with her. "I always assumed you were far too wrapped up in studying to fancy anyone," he confessed.

"I don't fancy anyone for the same reason you don't--there simply isn't anyone worth fancying." Lily shrugged. "Now, what exactly did you need help with?"

"I thought we'd made a deal. I'll give you Transfiguration notes and you'll give me a hand with Charms."

"I'd forgotten. That sounds good."

For a good part of an hour, they drilled one another on spells, and on transforming Lily's pencil into a garter snake. After the twentieth perfect execution, Remus leaned against the wall and watched the much-abused snake crawl swiftly into the shadows.

"I have a confession to make."

"Me too," Lily admitted. "You first."

"I really didn't need that much help. I just wanted a break," he stared at the ground. "Prongs and Padfoot aren't studying, but I didn't exactly feel like hearing about Quidditch or Padfoot's mad family."

Lily started laughing. "Well, you're in luck. So did I, only I was tired of hearing Moira's fantasies about Sirius Black."

"Really?" Remus blinked in surprise. "Wow."

"Yeah, strange, isn't it?" She settled on the wall and patted the space beside her. "Great minds think alike, I suppose."

"Something like that." He hoisted himself onto the wall. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"You're not allowed to tell anyone. Promise."

"I promise. I never reveal anything someone tells me in confidence," he assured her.

Lily bit her lip, flushing slightly. "I think Potter has lovely eyes."

"I can't say I've really looked at them very hard," he found himself saying without even thinking. "I won't tell him you said so. He'd be unbearable if I did."

"Thanks." She threw him a sideward glance, her cheeks still red. "I just wish her weren't such an insufferable ass."

"Sometimes I do too." Remus sighed. "He'll grow out of it, I'm sure."

"It's very strange," she observed.

"What is?"

"You seem so much older than them...well, older than Potter at least. Black, I really couldn't say. It's hard to tell with him."

"It is." Remus raised his head to look at the stars. "Sometimes I don't understand him."

"Who? Potter or Black?"

"Sirius. Prongs is simple enough. He's a very nice guy underneath it all, but he doesn't believe in thinking. Never had to, really. Everything just sort of comes to him and always had. He'll learn, I'm sure." He paused. "Sirius, though...I get the sense that his mind is always working on about ten different levels and that he's only willing to admit to one. But you'd know that already."

Lily followed his eyes upward, if only to avoid looking at him directly. "A few years ago, I'd say I did. But we don't talk anymore, really. And besides, people can say the same thing about you too," she remarked, changing the subject adeptly. "The mysterious Remus Lupin. So quiet, so very nice, but nobody knows anything about him." At his incredulous expression, she smiled. "What, you don't believe me?"

"I always thought I was an open book." He was only half-lying. "Except about...well, you know."

She did, and it had always struck him as something of a miracle that she hadn't told the world. It had happened during the previous year, when she'd caught Madame Pomfrey bringing him in from the Shrieking Shack one morning after the full moon. Under the matron's disapproving eye, he'd explained in as innocuous terms as possible. Instead of running off in terror, Lily had merely nodded, eyes somewhat wider than usual.

"The furry little problem?" she teased now, brows raised. "I had wondered if your roommates knew about it."

"Yeah, they figured it out rather quickly. Bright boys, them. Speaking of keeping secrets..."

"You know it's safe with me. I'd never tell anyone." She sighed. "Madame Pomfrey sent me off to Professor Dumbledore, who explained the whole thing, and he made it sound so logical. Although he compared it to asthma, which didn't really make sense..."

Remus laughed. "No, it doesn't. But thank you anyway. Most people would have told their parents at least, if not the Prophet. It's not exactly the normal run of things."

"I like to think I'm not like most other people," Lily pointed out.

He shook his head. "Nowhere close."

And they said no more, their eyes trained upward to the heavens.