Much Ado About Dating

Much Ado About Dating
Prologue: Setting the Scene

Remus Lupin really wasn't the suspicious type.

He was the studious type, to a degree - often he was the first to suggest going to the library to research, confident in the depth of the material and thrilled by the sheer fact that he was able to go there. He was also somewhat of a quiet type, though if this was noted by any of his classmates, it would be because two of his best friends were so talkative that they didn't even stop talking when the teacher began. And not only were Remus' close friends talkative, but they were also very loud. Due to this, Remus often appeared to be of the quiet sort, whether or not that was really correct. (Remus maintained that it wasn't - he spoke plenty of times, and often, when he was with his friends, and would often answer questions in class. Sirius debated that he was, and often took great measures to make his friend "lighten up," so to speak.) But it had never before been uttered that Remus was a suspicious person; that role fit Sirius and Peter more than it did Remus, as the latter was actually more apt to pause and wait for explanation than the former two.

But Remus couldn't help the suspicion that crept over his form as he walked up the stairs towards his dorm room, which he, interestingly enough, shared with his three closest friends.

He couldn't quite explain it; all Remus knew was that Sirius had left them all after their last class, chirping intriguingly, "Important business to be had, my lads!" while Remus sighed and cursed himself for ever introducing Sirius to the works of J.R.R. Tolkien. * (As all that had happened as a result was Sirius sprouting off random quotes from the books at asinine times, in completely incorrect context. He was getting better at it, after one two many exasperated cries of "Fool of a Took!" from Remus in retribution, but really...) In any case, Sirius hadn't been seen during supper, either - though Peter informed Remus that Sirius had, in fact, stolen some food from the kitchens; information obtained via a random house- elf - and by the time supper had finished, Remus, James and Peter were all a bit perplexed about their friend's disappearance. James had shrugged it off - "After all," he explained through a mouthful of pudding, "it's not like he's off turning into a werewolf, like someone we know." Remus had sent him a good natured glare -, and decided to go up the library to start on a paper for Herbology. Peter, after a bit of hesitation, decided to quell his curiosity about Sirius and go to the library with James, though this decision didn't surprise Remus that much, as Peter practically idolized their bespeckled friend. In any case, Remus was left to search for the missing Sirius on his own.

And, after checking some of the less obvious places - Sirius was quite fond of the Randomly Exploding Objects Room, as well as the Hallway of Inexplicably Nude Female Statues, which somehow never seemed to take off their clothes when students were nearby (much to the four boys' disappointment, after first finding the hallway of legends) -, Remus wound up heading towards the dorm room, thinking to give up on his fruitless search and do some Potions homework. But as he walked up the stairs, Remus could hear Sirius' loud, confident voice talking to someone, which Remus had assumed to be James and/or Peter, back from the library. Probably laughing about his silly searching, too, considering how pointless it had become.

But when a distinctly feminine voice answered, Remus' emotions had gone away from embarrassment and delved headfirst into suspicion. For one, because the four boys had a pact that no "conquests" - Sirius' term, not Remus' - were too be made in the dorm room unless behind a bed curtain and a strong Silencing charm. (As none of the four boys wished to walk in on one of the others naked and in a comprising situation with another naked person.) The second reason Remus was suspicious was because, if Sirius wasn't doing anything which involved the removal of clothing, it could only mean that he was plotting. With a female. (And it had to be a female, because even though Peter was still amidst the changing of the voice in regards to his puberty, there was no mistaking the very high-pitched giggling.) And Sirius plotting with a female of any sort was dire news indeed, because it was - apparently - Sirius' life-long goal to see each of his friends hooked up.

Just as Remus stepped outside the door, he tried to convince himself that he was worrying over nothing, and all Sirius was doing was planning his next date to Hogsmede or excursion to the Astronomy Tower. Unfortunately, however fiercely his rational side argued, Remus' logical side maintained, solidly, that the rational side's defense was crap, and Sirius was plotting. Remus sighed, and pushed open the door.

"Hey," was Remus' greeting as he walked in, noting how quickly Sirius had stopped talking, and how utterly guilty he now appeared. The girl - currently sitting on the edge of James' bed, with a sequin-edged bag seated by her feet - Remus knew as Samantha Meyer, Sirius' current "girlfriend." (As if that really meant more than "the girl Sirius was currently snogging with.") She wasn't much on the brainy side of things, but she was kind, and Sirius wasn't that picky when it came to good-looking girls and intelligence. And Sam certainly was pretty, with blonde hair that she constantly twirled - it drove Remus and Peter nuts - and expertly applied Make-up charms and accessories. It was truly all that Sirius needed, as Sirius had more than once clarified to his friends. (And not just with Sam, but also with Iris, Diana, and Angela before her. And a few other girls whose names Remus couldn't quite remember.)

"Remus!" chirped Sirius happily, quickly sweeping away his guilty expression and donning one of pure charisma. He trotted across the room and draped an arm over Remus' shoulders - Remus' suspicious feeling significantly increased - and said, affectionately, "Just the man I was looking for."

Remus pulled away and stared at Sirius, dark worry coloring his eyes, and asked, flatly, "What do you want?"

"Nothing, nothing, just an afternoon of your ti-"

"You set me up again, didn't you?" Remus gaped, staring at his friend incredulously. "After I told you not to?" Briefly, Remus flashed back to the horrid experience of his first date, as arranged by Sirius, with a Gryffindor girl two years older than himself, Addison Otopolik. Also known as "the most opinionated girl in the world," a title that Remus was quick to give her after enduring three hours with the girl in silent distress. What was worse, Addison - or "Sadie", according to her friend Karissa - had enjoyed Remus' company, and wanted to go out again. Remus, terrified, had forced Sirius to break things off with her. Sirius had, but unfortunately, Addison was on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and Sirius, a Beater, found himself beamed with a Bludger or two the next practice. To this day, Remus couldn't go near the curly-haired Chaser without severe feelings of wariness creeping into his system.

"Well, I-" Sirius began.

"And you!" Remus interrupted, staring at a wide-eyed Sam blinking prettily up at the two of them. "What part did you have to play in this?" He didn't mean to sound so accusing - Sam visibly flinched and bit her lip nervously - but the mere memory of the afternoon with Addison had caused him to get a bit tense.

"Well," Sam emphasized after a bit of hesitation, smacking her lips, "My friend - you know, Delia-" Actually, Remus didn't know, but he let her continue, "See, she wants to go on a double date with me, but she doesn't have a boyfriend, y'know? So, I told her I'd talk to Siri, and he said that you'd be okay with it. Y'know?"

Okay, for the record, there was more than just the hair twirling that Remus couldn't stand about Sirius' new girlfriend. Another thing that bothered him was her habit of repeating the phrase "you know" in practically every sentence she uttered, as if she had to convince herself that the others around her weren't quite as brain-dead as she was. There was also the nicknames she constantly addressed Sirius with - "Siri", being a common one, as well as "Puppy" (after Sirius informed her just what his name meant), and the ever irritating "Si-poo." Remus wasn't alone in his opinion on the last one; James and Peter agreed wholeheartedly, and even Sirius had to admit that there were times when he wanted to slam the girl's head into the wall after one too many "Si-poo"'s. And yet Sirius continued to go out with Sam, despite the fact that her bra size was, quite possibly, greater than her I.Q.

In any case, Remus was at a bit of a loss for how to respond to Sam's assessment (without, of course, sounding like a complete and total git. He was, after all, supposed to be the nice one of the group.) "Er -," Remus began, pausing. Unfortunately, this gave Sirius the opportunity he needed to step in.

"You see, Rem," Sirius stated easily, taking Remus' arm and leading him over towards the bed area, "Her friend Delia is kind of shy, and I just thought, say, why don't I let her go on a date with an older boy - such as yourself - to give her a bit of a confidence boost? And really, I thought of James at first, but he's so popular, it might terrify the poor, innocent fourth-year. And Peter - well, no offense meant, but you'd think that Delia would like to go with an older boy who was actually taller than her. Then I thought of you, Remus, and really, it just seemed to fit! You're kind of quiet and reserved, and I don't think she'll be put off by you, and besides, you're a good-looking chap." Sirius said all of this with a very suave, charismatic charm that Remus didn't buy for an instant.

"Very good-looking," Sam emphasized with a ditzy nod and large, agreeable smile.

"Hey now," Sirius murmured, turning to give a good-natured glare at his younger girlfriend - or, as James aptly put it once, "snog-bunny." Sirius waggled his finger at her and scolded, "No hitting on my friends."

"Shouldn't she leave?" Remus asked, not so subtly, and gave Sirius a very distinct look. "After all, James and Peter are going to come up soon, and you know how anal Peter is about girls in the room."

"Peter isn't an- ow!" Sirius broke off as Remus discretely kicked him in the ankle - a feat made much easier by the robes they both donned - and then continued, "Er - yeah, Sam, sorry. Peter, you know..."

"Your little friend?" Sam queried absently, with a wrinkle of the nose. "I don't like him that much." Remus suppressed the sudden desire to shake the blonde girl until she obtained a bit of sense, and gave Sirius a very direct glare.

Sirius noticed, and was clearly put off his guard. (Remus, if he could say so himself, had a very good glare, perfected throughout the years. He didn't use it often, but when he did, it tended to work - as stated eloquently by James, who seemed to have a knack for such things, Remus' eyes would "grow ice-hard" and his face "stone-cold,"and "everything within a twenty foot radius would suddenly feel the chill of death tearing down their spine." When James had first said this, Remus had only been able to stare blankly at him for a moment before Sirius smacked the ebony-haired boy across the head and critiqued, "Merlin, but you suck, James." Even Peter had snickered.)

"I'll see you tomorrow, then, Sam," Sirius was saying, as he lead his girlfriend out the door, a hand placed tenderly on her back. She murmured something in response, and he said, "Aw, but it'd be rude to leave Remus up here alone, especially when I have to convince him to go out with Delia, right? Okay. G'night." A brief sound of kissing made Remus roll his eyes and be thankful that he was turned away from the door, and then the door closed.

Remus whirled around immediately, and asked, "Okay, now we can talk. What the hell?"

"Oh, come off it," snapped Sirius right back, rolling his eyes and slumping onto a desk chair. Pulling out his wand, he murmured a spell, and suddenly, a chocolate bar came flying at him from across the room. Ripping off the wrapper and taking a bite, Sirius continued, "I already told you guys, she pretty and she's willing to snog with me whenever I want. So what if she's not the brightest in the lot? I mean, she's nice enough, right?"

"Actually, I was talking about the whole date thing," Remus correctly, raising an eyebrow, "but I'm not exactly thrilled about Little Miss Lack of Intelligence either. Merlin, but she is annoying."

"Peter is too, sometimes, but we're still friend with him," Sirius debated.

"He, at least, has redeemable qualities," Remus apprised.

"So does she!"

"Oh, right," exclaimed Remus, apparently just remembering, "I forgot about her breasts. A thousand pardons."

"And she's a fairly good snog," concluded Sirius with a nod, munching on the chocolate bar. He habitually broke of a piece for Remus, who took it without comment and ate it. Feeling the loss of an argument apparent, Remus sighed and slumped onto the corner of James' bed, where Sam had been sitting only moments before.

After a moment, Remus muttered, half-rhetorically, "Wouldn't it just be easier to hire a prostitute? At least we wouldn't have to deal with her."

"Too much money," answered Sirius immediately, giving Remus the vague impression that he had thought about it before. "Besides, I want my girls to be willing. Y'know, not in it just for the money, but all for me."

"But they'd have training if you hired them," quipped Remus simply, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh - never thought about it that way," murmured Sirius with a far- away expression, contemplating Remus' suggestion. Then his blue eyes focused, and Sirius grinned at Remus, saying, "But that's not the point anyway. Will you go on the date with Delia?"

Remus sighed. "And of course you’d choose me. I mean, I only expressively forbade you from setting me up on dates."

"What I said before was true," defended Sirius, raising his arms as if to stop Remus from attacking him. "James is much too popular for her, 'cause she is shy, and really, would I be so cruel to inflict Peter on an innocent little fourth-year?"

"You inflicted Sam on us," Remus reminded him with a bit of a twitch, pulling a deadpan expression as he glared lightly at his brown-haired friend.

"Well, the lot of you are more resilient," explained Sirius offhandedly, "and besides, according to Sam, Delia thinks you're cute. You are fairly attractive, and out of all of us, you are the best at pretending you're perfectly happy and calm when you're really teed off and irritated."

"What a quality," muttered Remus sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Sirius finished his chocolate bar, wadded up the wrapper, and tossed it towards the nearest waste basket. It missed by five feet.

"Ah, bollocks."

"You suck."

"Sod off, Rem," snarled Sirius easily as he slowly got up off his chair and made his way towards the ball of trash. As he went, he continued, "Anyway, could you just go? I mean, it'll be different this time - I'll be there, so you won't be alone, and we'll be in some kind of mall or something, instead of a private dinner, so you can zone out if you want."

"Wait, wait," Remus said, holding up a hand to gesture Sirius to halt. "A mall? We're going on this date-thing Muggle-style?"

"Yeah, see, that's why I want to," Sirius proclaimed, a grin lighting up on his face. "Christmas break is coming up, and Dumbledore says that as long as you get permission from your parents, you can hitch a ride on the Knight bus to go somewhere. For shopping or something, I guess; don't really know why. But anyway, Sam thought that we could go to Muggle London - from Diagon Alley, obviously - and see some sort of... moving picture show or something. And then just explore for awhile. Doesn't that sound great?"

Remus blinked at his friend, knowing full well that Sirius' fascination with Muggles was only in part because of his pre-ordained interest; mostly, however, it was because his parents insisted on purity of the bloodlines and absolutely despised anything related with non-magic folk. Sirius, who detested his family, tried very hard to go against them. Remus remembered the many nights Sirius had spent complaining bitterly about what rubbish his brother Regulus was now sprouting, or how his cousin Narcissa had married Lucius Malfoy, a well-known and distinguished millionaire. ("Sodding git, is more like it," Sirius had informed his three friends, "though I supposed Narcissa deserves him. Too bad, I was still holding out hope that she'd starve to death by a lake." ** Remus remembered that day particularly well, because he had choked on his pumpkin juice as soon as he heard Sirius' quip, and wound up alternately coughing and laughing for the next five minutes.)

"So you want to go to a movie theater?" Remus questioned bluntly, though he couldn't help but smile as he remembered Sirius' creative interpretations of his cousin's name. Then, raising an eyebrow, Remus asked, "What makes you think your parents will go with this?"

"Oh, that's the great part," Sirius proclaimed excitedly, having sat back down on the desk chair. He leaned forward, grinning brightly, as he continued, "See, I figure I'll just tell them about needing to go to Diagon Alley to get Christmas gifts. I do, you know, and I'll subtly suggest that I really just want to go to Knockturn Alley, but of course, I can't say that in my letter. Mum still keeps a silver of hope that I'm not a total lost cause, despite getting sorted into Gryffindor and, y'know, constantly defying her, so she'll be thrilled that I'm showing interest in my family's indigenous breeding grounds."

"You won't mention me, of course," Remus offered calmly, serving as a subtle reminder that while Sirius' Mum didn't really mind James - a wealthy pureblood of a prominent, if not quite so dark, family - or Peter - much lower class and more akin to servant work, but still pureblood -, the ghastly woman absolutely despised Remus for being "half-blooded filth, spawned by a disgusting Mudblood." (During first year, Sirius hadn't been wise enough to keep his friendships to himself, and had written home; he had received a Howler back, insisting that he break off relations with Remus. Remus, concerned, had avoided Sirius for nearly a month before Sirius finally got fed up with it, cornered Remus, and told him all about his family.)

"Of course not," Sirius replied, looking exasperated that Remus had brought it up, "and I'm not going to mention the girls either. Just me. She should agree, unless she's feeling particularly vindictive for some odd reason." Then, shaking his head as if to forget all about his family, Sirius continued, "But anyway, I really want to go to this thing. Delia's Muggle-born, so she can show us around Muggle London, but she won't go unless she has a date, too, 'cause she'll feel like a third wheel."

"Well, why not James-?" Remus began, only to have Sirius interrupt him.

"No, no, I already told you, James is too popular for her; she'll probably die or something," he explained, sighing dramatically. "Besides, he always spends his Christmases at home with his Mum and Dad, and that's in Wales, and they won't let him up and go to London for a day. Not on Christmas break; they'll say something about never seeing him and all that."

"And you think my Mum won't have a problem with this?" Remus asked curiously.

"Will she?"

Remus hesitated, and then shrugged. "I'm not sure. Probably not." Remus knew, logically, that if he wanted to get out of the date, he should have just said "Yes," but Sirius knew his Mum, and besides, Remus didn't like lying when he didn't have to.

"See? It's good. Besides, you live on the outskirts of London, it's not as far as James," stated Sirius simply.

For a few moments, the two boys sat in silence, with Sirius watching Remus expectantly and Remus deliberately looking everywhere but at Sirius. Remus found himself wishing for James and Peter to show up, if only to break the silence, but also so James could - hypothetically - insist on going on the date himself. (Despite being clearly enamored with one Lily Evans.) Or Peter could cajole Sirius into taking him instead, which Remus knew logically that Sirius would never agree to, simply because he oftentimes grew annoyed with Peter and didn't want to agree to spending a full day with the pudgy boy if he could help it, girls or not. And yet, Remus held out the faint hope that something would happen to prevent him from having to agree, because he knew that he would agree if nothing did. Sirius clearly wanted to visit the movie theater, if only to one-up his mum, and if Remus didn't agree, it would probably cause a bit of aggravation between the two of them.

So, as nothing happened within the next few minutes to convince Sirius that Remus was the absolute worst choice for this excursion, Remus found himself slowing acquiescing, "Oh - all right, I'll go." It certainly didn't help that Sirius had been giving him a variation of the "wide puppy eyes" look the entire time.

"Great!" Sirius exclaimed, puppy eyes forgotten, and Remus felt a dire feeling settle in his stomach at the thought of the upcoming "date." Immediately, he made to force a few agreements.

"But-," Remus intercepted, cutting off Sirius' rejoicing, "I want confirmation that this Delia isn't as horribly... insufferable as her best friend. As in, not as stupid."

"Oh, Sam says that Delia helps her with her homework-" Sirius began.

"And I want you to swear that you'll dump Sam after this," continued Remus. He knew he was treading on slightly thin ice with this one, but he was fairly certain that Sirius wasn't exactly in love with Sam anymore than the other three Gryffindor boys were.

Certainly enough, Sirius only hesitated a moment before agreeing, "Okay, sure. But she was a good snog." Then, eyes narrowing slightly as he suspected that Remus' conditions weren't quite finished, Sirius questioned, "Anything else?"

"Two things more."

"What?" Sirius asked warily, regarding Remus with a distrusting stare.

"I want a really good Christmas present for this," Remus instructed with a smirk, "and you will not expect me to kiss her."

Sirius grinned, relief evident in his expression, as he answered, "Done and done, my friend. But don't worry, Sam says she's pretty, and I'm sure after a few hours, you won't be so prudish, if you know what I mean..." Sirius trailed off, but the suggestive eyebrow raising and cocky smirk said everything that Remus needed to know.

Remus looked towards the sky, wondering belatedly where his sanity had wandered off to. "I cannot believe I just agreed to this..."

~~~
To Be Continued, much to Remus' distress...

* "...works of J.R.R. Tolkien.": I specifically refer to both "Lord of the Rings" and "The Hobbit,", and while Sirius didn't utter an exact quote, it was said under the intent of imitating the language. I may or may not use other quotes from Tolkien's works later in this story, so this bit is mainly just to warn everyone about that. ^_^ I'm a bit of a "Lord of the Rings" fan.

** "... I was still holding out hope that [Narcissa] would starve to death by a lake.": here I make reference to the Greek myth of the God Narcissus, who I assume was the inspiration for Narcissa's name. Narcissus, upon seeing his reflection in the lake, fell hopelessly in love with himself, and wound up starving to death because he couldn't leave his reflection. (It's also where the word "narcissistic" comes from, which means, loosely, "vain.") As my friend Andrew said upon hearing this tale, "That's why I always bring a sandwich when I go down by the lake." ^_~ I might make more references to Greek mythology in this story as well, though I'm not sure.

The Title: though I did steal my title from William Shakespeare's play, "Much Ado about Nothing," it isn't going to follow the story line. (Though I can, in another scenario, see Sirius as a wonderful Benedict instead of such a lover of women. "Is't come to this? In faith, hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion? Shall I never see a bachelor of threescore again?" Indeed.) Rather, I stole it because it sounded cool, and really, this story is going to be much ado about dating. ^_^ I apologize for possibly offending any die-hard Shakespeare fans.

In any case, please review if you have the time! Maybe you could suggest some things for Sirius, Remus and co. to do in Muggle London. ~_~; I have a vague outline, but any suggestions are welcome.