In the Staff Room Before

The staff room door opened.

"Oh, pleeeease, Professor?"

"No, I'm sorry, that's not exactly... erm... part of my job criteria."

Professor Flitwick closed the door in the begging third-year with a sigh. "That's got to be the thirtieth student to ask me to perform an enchanting charm on some classmate of theirs," he said as he sat down and produced some frothed-up cappuccino. (He would have slouched into the chair, but, considering his height, that was impossible. Instead, he had to sort of jump with a tired expression on his face.)

"I'd practically forgotten what day Valentine's Day was celebrated on before this," McGonagall said. She sipped her plain tea stiffly. "I'll never forget again, that's for sure."

Snape scowled at his coffee as if he knew, just knew, that this was all the cup's doing.

The three of them drank, sipped, and scowled in silence... until they were suddenly blinded by the flashing, dazzling, and (as Snape would put it) utterly disgusting pink robes of Gildroy Lockhart, new DADA teacher extraordinary.

"Now, you just stay in here," Madame Pomfrey told him.

"As long as you're perfectly [wink] sure you can manage-"

"Yes! Yes. No help needed in the Hospital Wing. Good day, now," she insisted. She left the absurdly picture-perfect man to stand, grinning with great enthusiasm, while the rest of the staff silently tried to ignore his notice-me presence.

"Soooo, how are all of you chums enjoying the Valentine festivities?" Lockhart smiled devilishly.

"God, save us," Snape growled.

"Eh, what?" Lockhart flashed his pearly whites.

"The glare from your teeth is hurting my eyes, Gildroy," Snape (once again) growled.

Lockhart laughed heartily.

"Come now, have any of you run across some secret admirers? Hey, Minerva?" He elbowed the rigid woman playfully. She looked shocked.

"No," she said simply.

"Actually," Snape said quietly, "I have received nine of those absurd dwarf-messages from the Weasley twins, and if I get even one more, I'm going to kill both messenger and senders-"

"Now that's no good, comrade!" Lockhart teased good-naturedly (Snape's scowl deepened). "I believe that there's nothing wrong with showing some student-professor admiration-"

"They don't admire me, you dolt! They want to make my life a living hell! You think I enjoy having overdressed monsters interrupting my class to read LOVE NOTES from the WEASLEY TWINS?!!!!!!!!!!!!! [And on and on and so forth.]"

Lockhart clucked his tongue and shook his head sadly.

"Severus, Severus, Severus," he sighed.

"Where's the HEADMASTER?! I'm going to KILL HIM!" Snape slammed his cup down on the table and stood up.

"Honestly!" McGonagall yanked him back down into his chair. "Calm down, Mr. Snape!"

"Yes, Professor," he muttered. Suddenly he realized what he'd just said and swore. (He drained his coffee, which is kind of an obsession with him.)

"So Flitwick, you sly foxy dog, you," Lockhart said (unaffected by Snape's murderous expression), "how many love charms have you conjured today, hey, hey?"

Flitwick turned a bright shade of tickle-me-pink.

"Don't play shy with me, now, you smooth sleek cat of a sly-"

"I don't believe any of us have accepted requests for enchanting charms," McGonagall began.

"Or love potions," Snape cut in.

"Yes, nor those. This is, after all, a school."

"Not a dating game."

"Yes, thank you, Severus."

"Oh, come now! Have some holiday spirit!" Lockhart said happily as he slapped tiny Flitwick on the back (almost sending him face-first into his drink).

Suddenly, a dwarf burst in wearing wings and carrying a harp.

"A message from Percy Weasley to Severus Snape," it announced.

Jaws dropped.

"No," the dwarf droned, "just kidding. It's from the Weasley twins."

"Oh, DAMN IT!" Snape groaned. "I can't believe this! For heaven's sake, I APPLIED for DADA, and that insane old man hired this maniac! I swear."

"All the time," McGonagall finished for him.

"No, that's not-" Snape protested.

"OH, MY DEEP, DARK, MYSTERIOUS LOVER!" the dwarf began.

"Oh, for the bloody sake of Christ, WHY?!" Snape moaned.

"COME TO ME IN THE SHADOWS AS YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE!" the dwarf yelled over him.

"Could we please save this for later?" McGonagall asked, looked alarmed.

"YOU'RE SILKY, BLACK-VELVET PRESENCE ALLURES ME AWAY FROM COVER!"

Flitwick snickered, then immediately apologized.

"IF I CANNOT HAVE YOUR SINISTER SEDUCTION, I WILL HAVE NO ONE!"

"Just shoot me now, will you?" Snape demanded.

The dwarf left.

"Never mind."

"Well, that valentine certainly was well thought out," Lockhart mused, nodding wisely. Snape held his cup over the table's edge and let it drop with a crash.

"You seem to be under a considerable amount of stress," Lockhart said knowingly.

"You have no idea."

"Oh, I do."

"Oh, you don't."

"I assure you-"

"Shut up."

"If you ever need help with that mandrake potion, give me a call, and I'm there."

"I'll do that. And then maybe I could invite Potter and Weasley to help out, too," he said sarcastically.

The door opened. "Oops, wrong room," Dumbledore said and left.

"HOLD IT!" Snape called.

Dumbledore peeked back in, eyes twinkling.

"Yes, Severus?"

"I feel a very serious need to vent, Headmaster."

"On me, I suppose?"

"Yes, actually. Either that, or I'll have to kill several people, likely to include Lockhart, the Weasley twins, Potter, Granger, the second-to-youngest Weasley, Longbottom-"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Would you like to come with me on a walk?"

There was a pause.

Snape blinked.

"Yes." He circled the table and left with Dumbledore.

"Soooo, who's up for a waltz?" Lockhart stood.

"I'm sorry, Gildroy," McGonagall said curtly, "but I'm not often inclined to dance for no reason."

"Unless," Hagrid said as he stuck his head in the doorway, "she's had waaay to much ter drink."

"Thank you, Rubeus," McGonagall sighed, rubbing her temples.

"Well, then." Lockhart stood, rubbing his hands together. "I'll catch you folks later. Time to go offer my assistance at the Hospital Wing." With a wink to McGonagall, he strutted out. Hagrid lumbered in after he'd gone through.

"We probably should have stopped him," Flitwick confessed. "Poor Poppy."

"Live life without regrets." Hagrid raised his glass of rum.

"At noon, Rubeus?" McGonagall eyed it.

"Ya heard what I said." He grinned. "Live life without regrets!"

"Precisely," she agreed and raised her cup.

"Cheers," the three teachers said.