A Really Bad Idea

A REALLY bad idea, one of many, thanks to Sirius Black.

(Named by Remus Lupin)

"OH MY GOD!" Sirius exclaimed, sitting up in bed. Peter screamed and jumped out of bed onto the floor.

"Are you dreaming about Susannah again?" James grumbled into his pillow.

"NO! I just got the greatest idea on EARTH!"

Remus growled in his sleep. Peter jumped again.

James sat up. "Yeah?" He looked extremely tired, and resultantly, as if he thought that no good idea was a good idea this late at night, when he was trying to fall sleep.

"Yeah," Sirius said, unaffected. "MOONY!" he barked.

Once more, Peter had a seizure where he stood.

"Give it a rest, Wormtail," Sirius said. "You’ll wet your pants again."

"Again?" Peter squeaked. "Hey, I never-"

"You’re not honestly going to try to wake Moony up, are you?" James asked, feeling for his glasses on the side table.

"Come on, he has to hear this, it’s amazing!"

"He is a prefect, you know," James said, putting his glasses on and scratching his head. "I think he’d probably prefer not hearing about our pranks. You know, less conflict if he hasn’t got the option to tell anyone."

"As if it makes a difference!" Sirius scoffed, getting out of bed to go jump on Remus until he woke up. "This is THE MOST AMAZING plan in the history of the world!" He dove onto Remus’ bed.

"OUCH! HOLY-"

"Don’t swear, master prefect, there are children present. Come on, we’re having a conference."

Remus blinked at Sirius. "Did I just hear Sirius use the word conference?" he asked James.

"I don’t know," James said, rubbing his eyes. "I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about."

"It’s a really good plan, you guys. It needs a conference."

James yawned.

Remus went back to bed.

Sirius hit Remus over the head with a potions book.

"HEY!" Remus sat bolt upright again and rubbed at his sore head. "You could have at least used charms or something. God, potions. My poor head."

"Alright," said Sirius, largely ignoring everyone else and pulling aside his bed curtains. He sat down on the bed. "Come on, everyone, gather in!"

James grudgingly moved over to let Peter sit on his bed and Remus collapsed onto Sirius’s bed. Sirius helped him sit up, for which he was not grateful.

"What is it?" James asked crabbily.

"What’s wrong with you? Normally you’re the one bouncing off the walls with insane ideas," Sirius said sourly.

James put his head in his hands. "I couldn’t sleep."

"Were you thinking about Evans?" Sirius crossed his arms in mock disapproval.

"Shut up," James said miserably.

"Yeah, he was," Remus answered drearily.

"You shouldn’t do that, Prongs. It’s not your fault she’s the only girl in the entire school you’ll never have no matter how hard you try."

"Thanks."

"This’ll be fun, Prongs! Snivellus will die of shame and then we’ll have one less thing to worry about."

"I really don’t want to hear this," Remus said and tried half-heartedly to escape. Sirius pulled him back down.

"Are you a marauder or aren’t you?" he demanded.

"No," Remus said lamely.

"No? Does that answer the question?"

"Kind of," James said thoughtfully.

"Go away," Remus moaned, attempting to lie down and go to sleep on Sirius’s bed. Sirius once more prevented him.

"What’s the plan?" James asked.

"Yeah, tell us," Peter added. James and Sirius stared at him until he turned bright red.

"Anyway," Sirius said, "the plan is this: You know how we’re pretty sure that Snivellus made that love potion that Bellatrix used to make Lily fall in love with Slughorn for a day?"

"Yeah," James was suddenly wide awake. "And I’m going to kill him for that."

"I think I have a better alternative," Sirius said. "We should feed him his own potion."

James lit up like a light-bulb.

"Who will we make him fall in love with?" Peter asked.

"Whom," Remus corrected in his sleep.

"Wake up!" Sirius nudged him. He sat up lopsidedly.

"Not asleep," he said, struggling to open his eyes.

"Whatever," Sirius shoved him and he fell backwards off of the other side of the bed. "Watch, he’ll go to sleep down there now."

"Ten sickles says he doesn’t even move from his current deformed position," James challenged.

"I’m not stupid enough to bet against that," Sirius sneered.

"Damn."

"Whom will we make him fall in love with?" Peter asked (with his new-and-improved grammar).

"Actually..." Sirius paused. "I guess I was just thinking Slughorn, but that would be kind of mean... to Slughorn, I mean. Since he wouldn’t be in on it, and that’s a lot of students in one week to, you know, be starry-eyed at you and all that... and especially considering it’s Snivellus... that would be rough."

"Besides, that’s not good enough," James said, eyes flashing. "He has to really hate it. He only sees Slughorn once or twice every day. We need someone he sees almost every class-"

"Someone he can’t easily escape from!" Sirius said, catching on.

"Someone whose in on the joke-"

"So they can stalk him!"

"Some one he’d really hate!"

"But he couldn’t resist them!"

"And he’d want to kill himself!"

"The last person he’d EVER EVER want to fall in love with!"

"You!"

"ME?!" Sirius squawked. "Are you kidding me? I’m not going to seduce Severus Snape! I’d be traumatized for the rest of my life! How desperate for revenge do you think I am? Evans is your princess in danger, not mine, and if you think I’m going to screw the dragon just to make her feel better about it murdering her parents-"

"Sirius!" James interrupted. "First of all, nobody is going to screw Snape. Second of all, he didn’t kill her parents. Third of all, there’s no dragon involved."

"Well, I don’t care, the point is I’m not going to... oh, there’s no screwing Snape?"

"Hell no, do you think I would put you up to something like that? I don’t want you to die of any strange diseases you get from fornicating with greasy slimy things. I just want you to mess around with him a little-"

"Whoa, whoa, I’m not going to mess around with him either-"

"Sirius, please. Stop thinking like a sex-driven maniac pursuing a girl. I don’t mean rape him when I say mess around. I mean...." he searched for words. (Sirius looked horrified.) "Tease him. You know, just touch his neck as you walk by or something."

"Wait, I get it, like Bellatrix-style flirting?"

"Err..." James looked uncomfortable. "Does Bellatrix flirt with you?"

"Of course she does. We all get bored at those damn upper-class parties we have to go to all the time. And I’m the most attractive person there, naturally."

"Isn’t she your cousin?" Peter asked, perplexed.

"In-breeding. It’s a Black family tradition," Sirius said. "You get used to it."

James restrained himself from retching.

"Tell me about it, Prongs," Sirius said.

"Yeah, well whatever it is Bellatrix does to you," James said, still looking disturbed, "I’m just going to trust you know what we’re aiming for and say, yes.’"

"Okay, sure," Sirius said. He paused and looked confused. "Wait, no, I don’t want to do that to Snape just to avenge your dream-girl’s bad day! Besides, this was your idea."

"No it wasn’t," Peter said, even more perplexed than before. "It was yours."

"Oh yeah," Sirius said. "I forgot. But still."

"Fine. If you’re such a baby, I’ll do it," James said.

"Gee, James. You must really hate him," Peter said in awe.

"Thanks for that insight, Wormtail," Sirius said. "You’ve helped Prongs come to grips with the emotions inside of himself that he has trouble admitting to."

"Naw," James said dismissively. "Hate’s too strong a word for Snivellus. Hate is for... really really evil... well, you get the idea. He’s just really damn annoying."

"And really fun to tease," Sirius added.

"Does this mean we have to make a love potion?" Peter asked.

"More amazing intellect, Wormtail," Sirius said.

"Lily’s really good at potions," James said. "Maybe she’d want to-"

"That," Remus said from where he was face-planted on the ground, "is a really bad idea."

"Moony’s right," Sirius said. "You’ve lost your senses. However, we could A) Make it ourselves because we are, after all, brilliant or B) Have Snivellus make it just because that’s so damn cruel."

"Why would he make a love potion for himself so that you could-"

"Please try not to be stupid, Wormtail," Sirius cut him off. "We wouldn’t tell him it was us that wanted it." He smiled confidently. "I bet I could get a certain Slytherin to work into our plan."

Twyla Wilkes giggled. "Stop it, you naughty boy! I have a boyfriend!"

Sirius tickled her again. He had managed to snag her behind one of the green-houses after Herbology.

The truth of the matter was that none of this was necessary. But Twyla Wilkes had an exceptionally high-pitched, cute little voice and was herself an exceptionally cute little thing, so Sirius did it anyway. Twyla, unlike her snobbish older brother, had plenty of toleration for Sirius Black. In fact, they made out regularly when both of them were in between dates.

"So, I have a favor to ask you," Sirius said.

"Oh!" Twyla pouted. "You’re using me!" She crossed her arms and turned away.

"There, there, darling. You know you like it when I use you."

She giggled again. "You nasty Gryffindor. What do you want?"

"Can you get Snape to make you a love potion?" Sirius asked, playing with her wildly curly black hair.

"I don’t know," she said doubtfully. "He doesn’t like me very much..."

"I knew it. He must be gay."

"Oh, stop. He just doesn’t like me because I’m too bouncy and happy for him. And because in second year, you know, he... wrote me that nice... letter..."

"And I published it all over the school after you showed it to me."

"Yeah."

"I guess maybe he’s not gay. That letter was pretty convincing."

"He does have a way with words sometimes."

"That’s disgusting."

"Well, it’s true. That letter was... very emotional."

"It was funny."

"That too, I suppose. Whatever, the point is, he doesn’t like me that much. I’d have to pay him-"

"He makes people pay him?"

"What, did you think he made all those potions for free? We’re talking serious rule-breaking, here, and sometimes staying up late at night. You honestly think he just does all that because he likes us? I mean jeeze, I don’t think he even does like any of us."

"Bet he’d make free potions for Lucius Malfoy."

"Yeah," Twyla nodded sadly. "But I’m not Lucius Malfoy. And I’m not going to pay for your potion."

"Well hell, I can pay for it. Here, have some random coins." He pulled a handful of coins out of his pocket. "If that’s not enough, just kill him and burn his dead body, alright? Put it in a pretty pink dress first, though. And take pictures."

Twyla hit his shoulder playfully. "You have a cruel sense of humor, young man. Now, you want a love potion?"

"Yeah, for James."

"You’re going to give a love potion to James?"

"NO, no. A potion to make somebody else fall in love with James."

Twyla frowned suspiciously at him, which was extremely attractive on her cherub-like face.

"I like Lily Evans," she said testily.

"Oh, no," Sirius laughed. "It’s not for Lily. No, this is much crueller than that."

"I won’t get somehow indirectly involved in this, will I?"

"No, no. The prank has nothing to do with you. The potion is not for you. Trust me."

"I really shouldn’t. But I will." She pocketed the coins. "I’m keeping the change."

"Of course," Sirius bowed and kissed her hand. "My gift to you."

She giggled again, which Sirius found so inviting that he had to kiss her neck amorously.

"Ooooo, cut it out!" she fought her own mirth.

"Break up with that other kid," he said, sucking on her ear.

"Why?" she asked, pushing his head away.

"Because I want to make out with you," he said obviously, and kissed her rather wolfishly.

At which point they did some rather obscene things that the reader honestly doesn’t want to know about.

Remus Lupin had managed to convince himself that he had forgotten the plan until Sirius sat down at the table at lunch time, grinning like the devil, and it all came flowing back.

"She said she’ll do it. Or at least, if she didn’t, it was heavily implied. And I paid her, so she better do it," Sirius said.

Remus put his head down on the table.

"I can’t believe I listened in my sleep," he said miserably.

"Oh, come off it, Moony. It’ll be fun," Sirius said.

"That’s what you said last time."

"What, and I wasn’t right?"

Everyone looked at him. James coughed.

"Wait, what was last time?" Sirius frowned.

"Lily caught us. With the exploding teacups. In the divination room," Remus said sickly.

"Oh yeah!" Sirius’s face lit up. "But she didn’t get them all, and Professor Glazy-Eyes nearly died! That was hilarious!"

"I think the explosion set the fumes in the air on fire," Peter said. "I got singed."

"And all her hair stood on end, and that’s a lot of hair," Sirius said gleefully.

"Did you forget the part where we had detention with her?" Lupin asked, trying to suppress memories.

"Or the part where Lily ripped my already aching heart in two and TORE IT OUT OF MY CHEST?" James exclaimed.

Sirius looked mildly revolted.

"I really don’t know why you like that girl, Prongs."

"She only gave us a relatively dirty look and a few nasty words. And told on us," Lupin said, obviously having flash-backs.

"That’s what I said," James said.

"Hey, you guys, I thought it was pretty damn funny. It’s not every day that you get to see your stoned divination teacher’s eyes pop out of her head and watch one prefect completely bitch out the other all in one day."

"I’m glad that it was really entertaining for you," Lupin said.

"Well, anyway, this time’s not going to be like last time," James said. "This is revenge."

"And it will be wildly hilarious," Sirius added.

"And Evans won’t catch us, so that’ll be better," Peter added in a rather stupid sort of way. (Which was normal.)

"Or at least that means James won’t cry and refuse food and sleep for a week," Sirius said.

"I did not!"

"I seem to recall a refusal of butterbeer on the grounds that you ‘didn’t have the heart,’" Sirius called him out, cleaning his wand on his sleeve dismissively.

"Butterbeer isn’t food," James defended himself with all the effectiveness of a horse without any legs. (By the way, this analogy actually rolled out of Sirius’s mind, and he resultantly smiled wittily to himself.)

"Right," Sirius said after he’d gotten over himself enough to speak.

"You better not make fun of me during this whole endeavor," James threatened. "Or I’ll give you some of the potion."

Sirius froze in disgust.

"Well, maybe not," James said, looking equally disturbed. "But I’d think of something, and you know I would."

The four of them passed Snape in the hall just as Twyla Wilkes ran to catch him. They heard only her first line to him, which was, "Make me a potion, slave."

Sirius frowned at the others.

"Do you think that’s the right way of going about it?" he asked.

James frowned back at him. "Not really. No."

"I’m sure she’s got it under control," Sirius told himself.

Lupin took one hand off of his books to hold his head.

"What?" Sirius asked innocently. "She does. This is Twyla- she’s the mistress of... persuasion."

"I just don’t think Snape’s into that whole ‘being forced to serve your master’... thing. I’m pretty sure he likes to think of himself as master of himself. And possibly everyone around him, so the whole slave deal..." James dropped off doubtfully.

"Hey, who knows?" Sirius said. "Maybe that kind of thing turns him on."

"Ew."

"I’m sorry, are you talking to me?" Snape sneered at her.

She smiled innocently and batted her eyes. "No, sir."

One corner of his mouth turned up before he forced himself to frown again.

"I saw that!" Twyla burst out with great excitement.

"Oh God, shut up," Snape rolled his eyes. He stopped and turned to face her. "What do you want?"

"I want a love potion."

"Is this a trend now?"

"Of course! Because you know how I always do anything Trixie does!" she said sarcastically, but still with great bouncing enthusiasm. "She’s so smart and stylish!"

Snape smiled skeptically. "I can tell that you’re courting me, Twyla."

She gasped girlishly and covered herself. "Stop, Severus! You make me feel naked when you make me so transparent!"

"Exactly how desperate are you? Because that was a really low method. Are you trying to get me to make this potion for sex?"

"No!" Twyla put her hands on her hips. "You think I’d trade my virginity for a love potion?"

For some reason, this made Snape laugh very hard.

"You’re impossible," Twyla pouted. "How much?"

"A galleon."

"No way. Ten sickles."

"What, do you want to pay two galleons?"

"Oh, come off it, you bastard," Twyla said, frustrated, as she pulled a galleon out of her pocket and slapped it into his hand. "You better make a damn good potion."

"As if I ever wouldn’t," he said rather arrogantly, slipping the coin into his pocket. "Who’s it for?"

"Errr.... can’t tell?"

"Well, I have to know, or I can’t make the potion. I’ll need hair of skin or something-"

"Oh! You meant who is it going to make the person who drinks it fall in love with?"

"In fewer words, yes."

"James Potter."

Snape sneered.

"Why would you want to make someone fall in love with James Potter?"

"Don’t ask me," Twyla shrugged.

"Oh, silly me, I assumed that you had a purpose in mind when you asked me to make it."

"Oh, duh! I mean... of course I know what the purpose is. I asked for it didn’t I? So I would know how I was going to use it."

"You’re rambling, Twyla, and it’s going to make me late for Transfiguration," Snape said. "Just tell me if you need help finding your brain later." He walked away and she huffed to herself.

"I’m going to Transfiguration too, you dolt!" she called, and ran to catch up again.

"We should tell on Snape," Sirius said to James in their dorm that night. "We know he’s making a love potion tonight, and he might even be stealing some ingredients."

"Or at least we assume that Twyla actually convinced him to do it..."

"Come on, Prongs, she told me she did during divination. We could get him in detention for weeks."

"We don’t want him to get caught, Padfoot," James said. "That would blow the whole plan."

"We could use it as a new plan," Sirius insisted.

"Go to bed."

"Yes, my lord."

"Hey, watch it."