Harry's Worst Memory

Harry awoke one late August morning to the screeches of his uncle. "DUDLEY! Have you been fucking my squirrels again?" There was a muffled response from Dudley. "A red one?! You know the red ones are for special occasions, you pillock! Purple are weekends-only, blue are all-purpose, but NONE are "Dudley's Squirrels." Now take that squirrel out of your arse and put it back where you found it!"

Harry dashed to the bathroom to puke. On the way to the bathroom, he heard muffled noises coming from his aunt and uncle's bedroom. He opened the door and found Aunt Petunia in bed with Ken, the Grunnings Company bus driver. Seconds later, Dudley waddled in with a squirrel biting his arse as Vernon trudged in behind him. Both screamed like Snape in a thong when they found the two.

Ken shrieked like castrated Voldie and jumped out the window onto the hood of his bus parked in the front lawn. Petunia threw a vase at Vernon's head and through all this, Dudley continued screwing the red squirrel.

A few days later, Harry managed to escape the Dursley's during a color-coded squirrel orgy and caught the Knight bus to King's Cross for the Hogwarts Express.

The next night he lay in bed, reliving his first day back, start to finish, still half shocked at its outcome.

Earlier that day, Harry was halfway through making his potion when he noticed I'm actually enjoying Potions! He voiced this to Hermione who immediately spotted the problem: Snape wasn't pestering him. In fact, Snape was sitting at his desk with his eyes closed, giggling and mumbling things to something in his lap. Upon further inspection, Hermione announced that he was fucking with Dumbledore's Pensieve under his desk.

As though summoned, Dumbledore's phoenix swooped through the door and landed right next to Snape. "SQUALK!"

Snape screamed and spilled the Pensieve all over himself, burning his balls. He jumped up, screaming like a little girl, and lifted up his robes to reveal his fuchsia thong. The peals of laughter from the Gryffindors contrasted greatly with the stone-cold horror of the Slytherins.

Just then, Dumbledore nanced through the door, chiding, "Severus, when I let you borrow my Pensieve, I didn't mean for it to be put to such usages!" Then he leaned over with a leering smile and whispered in Snape's ear, "You're fucking the wrong side," winked and floated away.

The day progressed and all the Gryffindors were sitting in class waiting for their new DADA teacher who hadn't showed up yet. They were becoming restless when, lo and behold, with a whip-crack and a tinkle, a man in a red suit with white-blond hair zipped toward the tower.

"Santa!" screamed Neville, clapping his hands. The man flew up the tower and burst through the window on his vacuum. Neville's face fell a bit.

"Santa?" Lucius Malfoy grinned malevolently. "I ate Santa."

Lucius rambled on about some Dark Arts stuff. As he was walking around his desk, he tripped on the cord of his vacuum and had a giggling fit, which lasted for about 15 minutes. The last ten minutes, he sat at his desk and fucked his vacuum.

However, the worst part of the day was yet to come. Since the Welcoming Feast had been a disaster (the house elves were having an orgy, and Dumbledore and Fudge were having a 'secret meeting'), the dinner feast was the time for opening the year with the traditional speech from the Headmaster. All the students arrived in the Great Hall and all the teachers were there (amazingly taking a break from fucking each other, various objects *coughvacuumscough* and themselves).

Dumbledore wasn't there so Professor McGonagall decided to make the speech instead. About halfway through a rather boring speech, the doors of the Hall banged open and through them stumbled Professor Dumbledore with his robes wide open, so that everyone could see where the sun doesn't shine.

Then, Fudge stumbled out from behind him wearing the Daily Prophet as a loincloth. He put his arm around Dumbledore and announced, "Everyone, we have an announcement to make." Dumbledore nodded. "We're gay lovers!" Both collapsed on the floor and started giggling.

The Great Hall erupted in screams of outrage, retches, and cheers. Hermione cursed the Daily Prophet, Harry gagged, Seamus looked turned on, and Ron pissed himself. By then Hagrid had risen and was trying to detach Fudge from the leg of a table he was humping.

"And one more thing!" screamed Fudge as Hagrid dragged him out by his loincloth. "We weren't having a meeting! We were fu-"

Hagrid shoved his pink umbrella up Fudge's ass and emptied him out of a window. Dumbledore just giggled drunkenly and passed out.

That night Harry decided to go for a walk, mainly to get away from Ron, who was getting himself off to a signed picture of Gilderoy Lockhart in the dorm so loudly that it woke him up. As he passed by the Room of Requirement, he noticed that the door was ajar. Harry stepped through only to realize that he was now in what appeared to be some kind of a bar. Well, I could sure use a drink, he thought to himself.