I'm Not in Love

"Finally! No more bitter teas for me!"

"At least, not until you get sick again."

It was two weeks after Lily's fever, and Lily had finally taken her last dose of disgusting potion that Madam Pomfrey had given her after she'd been released from the hospital wing. She had caught up on her sleep and most of her homework too, though her nights were still troubled by nightmares.

On the plus side, Lupin had re-appeared the day after the Potions episode. He seemed to be suffering from some post-illness bug, because he was acting very oddly, being even more reserved, and never meeting Lily's eye. Lily would have asked Potter or Black, but they had been leaving her alone more often, and she didn't want them to think they could talk to her again. Potter hadn't even staged a public humiliation of himself to ask her out since before she fell sick.

In fact... He and the marauders hadn't done anything stupid for ages. Normally, that would have made Lily suspicious and on her guard, but... two weeks? They couldn't keep their collective mind on one thing for two days!

Lily tried her best to enjoy the quiet, but something just kept nagging at her. Her intuition said that something was just a little bit off.

In History of Magic, her curiosity almost got the better of her. She'd had a scrap of paper and a quill out before she even realised what she was doing. It took a great force of will for her to pay attention to Binns' ceaseless droning, rather than what was happening, if anything, behind her. But then, Lily reminded herself, it's always a great effort of will to listen to Binns. He was so completely dull, she wouldn't be surprised if he had bored himself to death. He was so boring. Boring, dull, tedious, wearisome, insipid, flat, incurious, sapless, lifeless, undramatic, dry, platitudinous, vapid, monotonous, dreary, leaden, ponderous, soulless, bucolic....

Lily realised that while she had been ranting about Binns' complete inability to make anything even remotely interesting, she had missed several important facts about (more) Goblin Wars.

Why are we learning this? Lily heaved an inner sigh, whilst still taking down somewhat accurate notes on what part mermaids (not the Mediterranean kind) played in this particular conflict. This all happened before the Founders! Before the Ministry of Magic! WHAT IS THE POINT?

A piece of paper landed on her desk. Unfolding it eagerly, her shoulders drooped a little when she read, in Jasmine's neat hand, CONCENTRATE! Well, what did she expect? Certainly nothing from anyone else.

Lily glanced over her shoulder. Instead of seeing Potter grinning at her, she saw Jasmine, glaring and gesturing for her to get a move on and take notes.

Lily sighed, and acquiesced.

~*~

Lily, because she had to pack her notes away, was last to the Great Hall for lunch. She looked around for Eli and Jasmine, and started with surprise that the Maruaders, who had been their regular lunch buddies for the last two weeks, weren't there. She shook off the feeling of something being off, and walked over to Jasmine and Eli.

It wasn't long before her friends noticed Lily's constant searching up and down the table.

"Oh, look Jasmine. Lily already misses her true love!"

"What? You prat, Eli. I was looking for something other than toasted ham and cheese sandwiches. Maybe some cold pasta."

"Lily? The pasta is right in front of you."

"Oh. Right."

Lily tried to eat slowly. She didn't want to give her friends new 'evidence' to support their case. But as soon as she finished, she walked away, using all her will power to stop herself from running to find an answer to the questions that had been hounding her all day.

As she was walking, as fast as she could, she was jostled by a group of second years. Trying to shove her way through them, she tripped, landing on a suit of armour. As she got up and dusted herself off, she didn't notice the armour swaying until it landed with a crash on a very ornate looking vase. All of a sudden, the second years vanished. In their place was a rabbit.

"Oh bol-"

The rabbit looked up at her menacingly. Damn it! Who ever thought a fluffy tricolour lop eared bunny could look menacing?! Tricolours are supposed to be lucky! Lily thought furiously. The rabbit belonged to Apollyon Pringle, the caretaker, and it had a mean streak. Many times, she had seen Potter nursing bites he suffered from the Hare of Hell, as he called it.

Lily was sure it had a psychic connection with the caretaker. Sure enough, from around the corner, she heard the jangling of the keys Pringle always wore, to make himself feel more important.

She started running. Although Dumbledore frowned upon it, Pringle was not averse to a bit of capital punishment. Five lashes with the whip he carried was considered by him to be a fair and just punishment for anything- even a little lenient.

Lily saw a familiar tapestry, and jumped behind it, thanking her lucky stars that Pringle knew few of the secret passages and hiding places of the castle. His rabbit, Angora, wasn't smart enough to find any, and neither was her owner.

As Lily's breathing slowed, an unexpected voice from behind caused her to jump about two feet into the air.

"Hello."

"Who on Earth are you? And what are you doing here?" she exclaimed, thoroughly shaken.

"I'm hiding from my one true love."

Lily froze. She'd know that voice anywhere.

"Oh bol-"

"You say something?

"Who, me? No, nothing." Lily tried to disguise her voice without being too obvious. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no, Lily thought, feeling desperate, and oddly light-headed. I'm in a small, enclosed space with James Potter! Well, maybe if she distracted him, he wouldn't realise it was her.

"Why you are- I mean, why are you hiding from your one true love?"

Potter sighed. Lily had never heard him sounding so depressed.

"She hates me."

"What? No, she- I mean, why do you think she hates you?"

"Hah! I've been trying to get her to go out with me for ages. She's always so cold."

"That's because you- Er... What I mean is, maybe you should try a different approach."

"I have. I've tried every kind. Flowers, performances, everything."

"Well, maybe you should lay off for a while."

"That's what her friends said. They said she had a tendency to do things just to be contrary." He laughed. "I can imagine her doing that. She's so wilful. Bloody stubborn. I remember she gave me such a telling off on the train here, first year. She wasn't like the rest of them, terrified out of her mind about having to fight a troll or whatever rumour we were passing around. And she'd didn't even know she was a witch until she got the letter."

Lily remembered that. She had been terrified. It had made her tense, and she'd lost her temper with Potter because he was making her even more scared, talking about how people who could beat a mountain troll were put into Gryffindor, but those who couldn't incapacitate a forest troll got Hufflepuff.

"She sounds like an admirable person," she murmured, momentarily forgetting that the 'she' was, in fact, herself.

But, she added silently, I am not bloody stubborn! I am not!

"Yeah, she is. She's amazing. And I really do love her. But... I think I'm just going to have to give up. Maybe she can't love me. See, I thought she did. You know, the whole 'Love as pure as mine cannot go unrequited' thing. And it looked like it was true; like she did, but was pretending that she didn't. And I thought she was finally warming up to me, but maybe it was just that she was full of potion at the time, and a little tipsy. So... maybe it would be best if I just stopped. Save myself the heartbreak."

Lily knew she would regret what she was about to say. She steeled herself. She was about to make her life even more difficult. But she couldn't bear to see anyone as sad as James seemed to be.

"Just try again. Maybe you're wrong about her. Maybe she's not the one for you. But, maybe she is the one. Try again. Try being a bit more subtle. But don't just give up."

"Really?"

"Really. If she hasn't quietly taken you aside and explained why she won't go out with you, there's still hope."

"Alright. Yeah... Alright. I'll try again then. Thank you!" he called as he ran down the other end of the passage.

Lily rested her forehead against the cool stone. Oh no. What have I done? Now he'll never stop. Not with that 'Don't give up' thing in his head. I couldn't just leave him like that though, could I? He seemed so depressed. I don't think I've ever really seen him sad. He's always been so jaunty, and cheerful and funny. So, guess I did the right thing by him, but what about me? I don't love him, do I? No. If I loved him I probably would have done the 'Oh James, it's me, Lily! I love you too!' Urgh. I would never live down the shame.

Lily peered out around the tapestry. No one was there. And, fortunately, lunch hour wasn't over yet.

She jogged up to Gryffindor Tower, hoping that Potter wouldn't take her advice. She didn't relax until she was safely in Herbology. Potter wouldn't go near her in the Greenhouses after the Kismet episode.

Kismet was the name of Lily's Fanged Geranium from second year. Once, when the class was pruning them, Potter had come sauntering up to stage another public declaration of his undying love for her. He had leant too close to Kismet though, and the volatile plant had, for some reason, launched itself at Lily's tormentor. After that, Lily had showered Kismet with the best fertilizer she could get her hands on, and at the end of the year, had specifically requested to keep her plant. Lily thought that gardener and plant had forged a special bond through their mutual hatred of one James Potter, because Kismet never tried to savage Lily.

Lily saw not hide nor hair of Potter until lunch the next day. When she went in, there were the Marauders, grinning and chortling all over the place as usual. Lily scowled at them, but in her heart she heaved a sigh of relief. Hogwarts really wouldn't have been quite the same with Potter depressed. She would have felt immeasurably guilty. And, as the saying goes, better the devil you know.

"Hey, Evans!"

"What do you want?" Lily asked cautiously. Oh no, this could be bad.

"What is a Quverin Snaggleplant's favoured food, and which popular human food is it dangerously allergic to?"

"Figure it out yourself. It's allergic to chocolate."

"Why?"

"Again, figure it out. Look it up!" Lily heaved another inner sigh of relief. Maybe he was taking her advice and laying off her for a bit. Then she felt a shiver down her spine. What if he asked her quietly? What if took all her advice?

A soft voice spoke beside her.

"Are you all right?"

Lily realised that some of what she was thinking must have shown on her face.

She looked up to find Remus Lupin looking at her with concern.

She tried to smile at him.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine."