Something About Spanky and Goatee

     Harry James Johnson -- er, Potter -- was mad. Mad like angry, not mad like psycho -- although he really is quite psycho. He was 'mad' because of the fact that his annoying friend Ronald Bilius Smith -- er, Weasley -- had taken his Jangajam.

     "Give me my Jangajam back!" Harry snarled, spit flying out of the corners of his mouth, but Ron jerked it away.

     "NEVER!" Ron bellowed, and, raising it high above his head, he darted to the portrait hole in an attempt to escape. There was a sickening thump as Ron tripped and hit the floor. Harry was immediately at his side, sobbing over his motionless body. There was a copious amount of blood covering Ron, oozing from a bullet hole in his head. No one really seemed to know why he had a bullet wound in his head. Harry began to wail.

     "Oh, Ron!" he cried, not bothering to wipe away his tears. "Look what you've done!" At this, he snatched the Jangajam away from Ron and held it in front of his tearstained face.

     "Noooooooooo!" Harry screamed, shaking his fist. "You shunked it!! You shunked my Jangajam!!"

     As Harry wept over Ron's body, Hermione came over, placing her hand in Harry's consolingly.

     "Oh, Harry, this wasn't Ron's fault, nor was it yours. It was probably Ralph's fault, because nobody likes him."

     At this, they both turned to glare at Ralph, a foreign exchange student from Libertathaninannonunia with a toupee on and and a small tag on his shirt that read, "I'm called Ralph." He was dressed as a matress.

     Harry shook his head sadly. "I can't believe this is happening. First my best mate dies, and now his love interest is holding my hand."

     Ron suddenly woke up. "What in God's name is going on?!" he screamed at the sight of Hermione's hand in Harry's. "This is totally unsupported by Canon!"

     Hermione gasped, looking into his deep blue deep ocean-like deepness deepity-deep-deep eyes. She licked her lips invitingly.

     "Oh, Ron, touch me like a window!" she rasped, her voice husky with desire. Ron frowned.

     "I don't want to touch you, I've got stuff all over my hands," Ron objected, looking down at his bloody hands.

     "Then pretend to touch me, and put feeling into it!" she cried desperately, ripping off her shirt.

     "Hermione, you've got three nipples -- ?" Harry started, but Ron immediately interjected.

     "How can I put feeling into pretending I'm touching a window?" he snapped.

     "Please, Ron, TAKE ME NOW!" Hermione bellowed, launching herself at Ron.

     Harry, feeling left out, began to think of new ways to entertain himself. Struck with an idea, Harry grabbed his Jangajam (which is a type of African cucumber in tis story, if you all were wondering) and darted up the boys' staircase. As he disappeared into the boys' dormitories, Ginny, Lavender and Parvati walked down the girls' stairs, discussing the odd Muggle contraption we know as televison.

     "I'm telling you, it's amazing," Ginny said, pausing a moment to pull her underwear out of her butt.

     "But those -- ads -- sound pointless and annoying," said Lavender, frowning.

     "Well, they are pointless. I'm telling you, people do weird things in ads, like eat at Arby's."

     Parvati frowned. "What's Arby's?"

     Ginny smiled. "Well, actually, -- "

     But she was abruptly interrupted by Harry, who came darting down the boy's staircase in full karate gear, complete with black belt and headband. Cartwheeling into the middle of the Common Room, he leapt into a spin kick, sending Crookshanks flying.

     "Kung foo kitty MEOW!" Harry screeched, whipping out two Jangajams attached to opposite ends of a string with liberal amounts of CrazyGlue. He then began to beat Lavender senseless with his makeshift numchucks.

     "Harry, uh, what are you doing?" Ginny asked hesitantly, wiping a fleck of Lavender's blood from her robes.

     "OH NO!" cried a topless Hermione, pulling herself from the floor, where she'd been passionately making love to Ron. "Harry, calm down, -- PLEASE calm down! No, hey -- wait -- don't -- "

     Harry completely ignored her, seemingly absorbed in his maniacal slaying of Lavender. Parvati had attempted to defend her poor, helpless friend, but to no avail; they were both unconscious now and bleeding from various areas.

     Hermione ran out of the Common Room, scrambled out of the Portrait Hole, tripped, then took off down the hall. Ginny sighed.

     "Harry, you twit," she snapped, but her comment went ignored. She walked over to Ron (naked and covered in hot pink lipstick that smelled vaguely like almonds) and sat down, resigned to watching Harry slaughter her friends with two cucumbers.

     "Oh, Ron, what are we going to do with that child?" she asked, shaking her head and laughing. "What a character. Speaking of which, is Hermione still topless?"

     Ron, who seemed to be in a daze, nodded vaguely.

     "Um, but isn't that against dress code or something?

     Ron looked over at her.

     "Two plus two equals fish," he muttered, then fainted dead away.

     Ginny shook her head again. Then she looked at Harry an shook her head once more. All this head shaking suddenly made all her neck joints dislocate, and within the next few moments, her head was spinning wildly on her neck, doing full 360's and and barfing green slime.

     Suddenly, the Portrait Hole swung open and in marched Professor McGonagall.

     "I've come for your pickle," she boomed, her face grave.

     Harry froze, his head slowly turning a full 180 degrees before it stopped and made an odd cash register noise.

     McGonagall's eyes narrowed menacingly.

     "This madness," -- she gestured toward the comatose bodies of Lavender and Parvati, -- "has to stop. And it has to stop NOW."

     Harry's eyes were alit with devilish delight. His head still completely inverted, he now began to walk backward toward McGonagall, the jangajam numchucks still clasped in his hand.

     McGonagall's brow furrowed.

     "Potter, what are you doing? Potter? Potter, stop at once!" she cried, panic edging into her voice as Harry's feet lifted off the ground. His body glided toward her, his eyes a deep blood red, steam issuing out his nose.

     McGonagall threw her hands in front of her face as Harry halted in midair, mere inches from her face. She screamed in terror.

     He took a deep breath, clenched his fists, and --

     "I'M GONNA ROLL ON THE FLOOR NOW, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Harry giggled, falling to the floor and rolling back and forth on the carpet. McGonagall wiped the sweat off her brow, and the sweat now on her hands onto Ginny's robes.

     "Phew, I thought I was a goner," she said easily, bending over and grabbing Harry's forgotten pickle-chucks. He was still rolling on the ground. Apparently, this was one of his favorite pastimes.

     Ginny tapped McGonagal on the shoulder.

     "Yo, Micky to the G, can I see them numchucks?" Ginny asked, forming a peace sign with her fingers and kissing her fist.

     "No," McGonagall said flatly, tucking them into her robes.

     "Pweese?" Giny asked, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears and her bottom lip trembling. "For ... for me?"

     McGonagall sighed. "I suppose."

     "YES!" Ginny cried, snatching the pickle-chucks from McGonagall. "Booyah!" She flung them around, managing only to give herself a broken nose.

     "Wanna try?" Ginny asked, trying and failing to stop the bleeding.

     "Not really," McGonall replied, frowning.

     "Yes, you do," Ginny said, forcing the numchucks into her hands. McGonagall smiled hesitantly.

     "All right ... but it's not gonna be pretty, I don't have all my motor skills yet."

     "Well, give it a try," Ginny insisted, and McGonagall started to slowly spin the numchucks.

     "Fastah, FASTAH!" Ginny wailed, and McGonagall's hands became blurs. Using the wise tactics of Kevin Grumbles, she was able to move quickly and without mistakes.

     Unfortunately, Ron chose that exact moment to stand up and walk over to Ginny. He was beat into bloody oblivion before McGonagall could stop herself. He fell to the floor, stone cold dead for the second time in less than an hour.

     McGonagall fell to her knees beside him. "No!" she wailed. "What have I done?"

     Ginny shook her head angrily. "DARN YOU KEVIN GRUMBLES!"

     Suddenly, Seamus Finnigan interrupted their mourning.

     "People, I've got something to show all of you .... " he started grimly, then knelt down next to a small television and popped in a VHS tape. Without another word, he pressed play.

     The screen flickered, and suddenly there was a thin, wiry man in spandex jazzercising on the screen.

     "NOW IT'S TIME FOR MORE SWEATIN' IN YOUR UNDIES!" he bellowed, making erratic movements across the screen. Seamus hurriedly ejected the tape.

     "Uh ... " *ahem*, "Sorry 'bout that. Now, here's the real thing I wanted to show you ... " He pulled another tape out of his humongous pockets, munching on the Richard Simmons tape as though it were ... like, .... cauliflower, maybe .... Anywho, it can be said without hesitation that he was definitely munching on it.

     The screen went blank for a moment, then suddenly a tape started playing. A very scary tape in mostly black and white. And then, suddenly, the phone rang.

     "When did we get a phone?" asked Ron, (who had amazingly come back to life), but everyone hushed him as the phone rang again and again.

     "Hey, you've reached the Gryffindor Common Room, please leave a message and we'll get back to you ASAP, thanks!" came the answering machine, and there was a long beep. A scratchy voice delivered a blood-curdling message: "You will die in seven days."

     "OH GOD!!" screamed Hermione, still topless, as she swung open the Portrait Hole door again and clambered inside. "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!"

     Suddenly, the entire room burst into involuntary song.

     "It's theee end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiiine ... " they all chorused, and then they began to jam on their air guitars.

     "Word," said Ginny nodding her approval.

     Then, Snape burst through the Portrait Hole, shaking his hips to the music that didn't really exist because air guitars make no noise.

     McGonagall's lips went so thin that they disappeared. She clapped a hand over her nonexistent mouth, making odd muffled noises, but no one really noticed because Snape had just invaded their classroom.

     "This is like a British invasion!" screamed Neville, "Except the classroom isn't a country, and Snape's not Britain, and we're not scared, and we don't have guns, and -- "

     Neville was cut short by Harry's outburst of, "You can't just invade our Common Room!"

     "Invader's blood runs through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants! The pants command me, DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!" Snape bellowed, slapping Harry across the face and kneeing him in the balls and shoving a grenade down his pants.

     The explosion was enough to burst the walls down and blow Snape's nose off. His large, platypus-like nose lay on the ground, grease pouring off of it in copious amounts. Snape burst into tears.

     McGonagall hugged him and made muffled noises. He continued to sob and muttered something about "Spanky" and "goatee". Suddenly, McGonagall burst into flames and ran in circles, screaming.

     "What's her problem?" Harry asked indignantly, and Ron lifted his head from where it had been embedded into the carpet.

     "Yeah, what's her bloody issue?" he demanded. Then he gasped. "Ginny, your nose is bleeding again!"

     Ginny gave a frustrated sigh as blood fountained from her nostrils. "My doctor said I wouldn't have all those nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there."

     Hermione gave her a puzzled look, but then began to choke on the torrents of blood that cascaded from Ginny's nose. She fell to the floor and drowned.

     "Oh, Ginny," said Harry, smiling at her, and then suddenly he spontaneously combusted.

     "NO!" Ginny shrieked, as Harry collapsed to the carpet. The flames were too strong for Ginny to put out with her wand, and she began to cry again, blood still soaking her shirt and the floor around her. McGonagall had finally stopped running around and screaming and seemed resigned to her fate. She stumbled and fell in what seemed like slow motion onto Ron, who immediately caught on fire. The smell of burning flesh filled the room as Draco Malfoy bounded in.

     "How did you get in here?" asked Neville, dumbfounded, bewildered, and utterly flabbergasted. "You don't know the pass -- "

     "DIE!" screamed Malfoy, and Neville's stomach split open, his hot, steamy intestines spilling onto the ground. Rabid panthers from the jungles of South America leapt through the window, even though Gryffindor Tower is on the seventh floor, and began to feast on his innards.

     "What do you want, Malfoy?" asked Ginny, her eyes narrowed. Malfoy stared at her, and then looked at the scene before him.

     Seamus Finnigan sat in the corner, vomiting up some black, plastic material. Ron Weasley and Minerva McGonagall lay on top of each other, their flesh making odd crackling noises. Ron's head seemed to be almost welded into the floor. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were catatonic and motionless on the ground, bruises covering their face. Crookshanks was embedded into the stone wall on the other side of the room. Neville Longbottom was nowhere to be seen, though it could be assumed that he was probably what the panthers were dining on. That'd explain the weird ripping noises, then, Draco thought absently. Harry Potter lay on the ground, facedown, his skin and clothing charred. Hemione Granger was covered in blood, her eyes glassy and dead. Ralph stood in the middle of it all, fingering his name badge and now wearing a large sleeping bag. Guess he's been demoted to a haunted sleeping bag, Draco chuckled. Then he looked at the remaining living people in the room. Ginny had blood all over her and was trying to glare at him, even though she couldn't see. Snape was noseless and still managing to sneer.

     "Well?" Ginny demanded. Draco opened his mouth to respond, but found he didn't have to; at that very moment, a giant, swirling vortex of evil opened up and swallowed Ginny whole.

     Snape huffed. "Anyway ... let us leave this accursed room, Draco," he said affectionately, conjuring a pig and hopping onto it excitedly. Draco leapt onto the back of it and they flew off into the roaring sunset.