A Star is Born...erm, I Mean Killed

On July 31^st, 2001, Harry Potter died.

He had been spending the summer with his irate uncle and aunt at Privet Drive attempting to fade into the woodwork as usual, when he was wracked by a sudden painful spasm of appendicitis. His aunt and uncle, refusing to acknowledge his existence, ignored his dying shrieks as they calmly buttered their toast. Of course, when they realized that that he really had died and was not just trying to behave badly or get attention, their reaction was quite drastic.

Aunt Petunia: How dare he leave that mess on my good carpet!

Uncle Vernon: That boy! If that ungrateful wretch weren't dead I’d make him clean that rug with a toothpick! (Gentler tone) I'm sorry dear, I know it was your favorite rug. Marge got it for you from the Isle of Wight, didn't she?

*a moment of silence in remembrance of the carpet*

Dudley: Mum, can I have Harry's grapefruit?

Aunt Petunia: Of course you may ,Duddykins.

They resumed their breakfast.

Some time later…

Far, far away at Hogwarts, a great problem had arisen.

Who would be the star of the show after "The Boy Who Died”?

“Why, I will of course!" Ron Weasley spoke up immediately. “I deserve this chance!”

“Oh Honestly, Ron," Hermione said crossly, giving him an appraising glance. “You are NOT star material.”

Ron was deeply offended and did his best to look mortally wounded.

“Why can't I be the star? There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m star material, I tell you! I was the star's best friend, wasn't I?”

“That’s just it," Hermione reasoned. "You were the star’s best friend.”

She paused.

“ Face it, Ron, you’re a sidekick.” She said dramatically.

As the tips of Ron's ears slowly reddened and he looked dangerously close to starting a shouting match, Hermione quickly interrupted his train of thought to avoid the row, "See! Whoever heard of a hero whose ears turned pink!"

Ron’s entire face flamed as red as his trademark Weasley hair and he muttered, "It's just the tips, you

.know.” as he fidgeted with a hole in his robe.

Ginny, who had been quietly listening to the discussion, now burst out in a fed-up voice:

“Ron, you could never be the star! For starters, you’re a sidekick! That’s what you ARE! You’re not the oldest Weasley, or the youngest, or the funniest, or the coolest. You’re not even the most BORING Weasley!”

“Just stick to your chessboard, Ron.” Hermione advised, as she tried to comfort him.

Ron pouted. After a bit of sulking he looked up and growled sarcastically, “Oh, well, do you have a better suggestion, Miss-Know-It-All?”

Hermione flushed. “As a matter of fact, I do. I think...”

Ron cut her off. “I suppose you think YOU should be the star? HA! Don’t even think about it! If YOU were the star, instead of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, it would have been Hermione Granger and Why You Should Read Hogwarts: A History!”

Indignantly, Hermione’s hands went to her hips. “Well, you SHOULD read…uh…I mean…It would not! Anyway, I, erm, wasn’t going to say myself at all! I think it’s horrible the way this series looks down on other magical creatures, and we should give them equal rights! I think Dobby should be the star!”

Ginny wondered if Hermione was all right in the head.

Ron could not say anything to this startling announcement because he was on his stomach pounding the floor with his fist as he laughed hysterically, only pausing momentarily to choke out a mimic of Dobby: “Dobby is a good hero. Dobby never knew how to be a hero before. Dobby will vanquish Voldemort for Harry Potter. Oh! Dobby said You-Know-Who’s name! Dobby must go put his head in the oven now, Dobby says bye-bye!”

“Hmph.” said Hermione. “Well, who else have we got?”

As they contemplated this question the sound of timid footsteps reached their ears and they looked up to see Neville slinking into view.

“NO!” they shouted simultaneously.

A shamefaced, downtrodden Neville slowly shuffled back into obscurity.

Hermione and Ron sat side by side thinking hard.

“We need help.” Ron sighed.

Crabbe and Goyle walked by and sat next to them, trying hard to rearrange their gormy faces into “pondering look.”

Ron stared. “Heard me wrong, did you? Let me rephrase that. We need help from people who are actually capable of thinking!”

Crabbe whimpered and Goyle let out a childish whine.

“You’re a big meanie.”

Ron shook his head in disbelief. Soothingly, Hermione said, “Leave them be. We can work this out on our own.”

The gears in Ron’s chessmaster mind were whirring.

“Herm, we need someone with personality. Not someone to be forgotten easily.”

“Someone who inspires emotion!” Ginny latched on.

“Someone with a skill of some sort”, added Hermione.

“Someone who’s been through a lot, who has a lot of history and emotional baggage.” Ron said.

Snape’s voice cut in sharply as he sneered at them distastefully. “History? You lot should be studying Potions, God knows you’re already a disgrace to the school.”

Ron looked at Snape. Ron looked at Hermione.

Hermione’s eyes grew about six sizes bigger as she took in his meaning. “Snape?” she whispered incredulously.

Ron shrugged. “Hate is an emotion. Why not?”

“Mr. Weasley, and Miss Granger, I’m sure if it’s important enough to whisper about, it is important enough to share with all of us. No doubt you’re mourning your little friend Potter. Imagine, a boy whom the Dark Lord himself couldn’t kill, died of mere appendicitis.”

Hermione looked Snape straight in the eyes and said,

“Professor Snape, we would like you to be the new star of our series.”

Snape was floored. He actually forgot to curl his lip into his normal, perpetual sneer. It was abnormal.

“Wh-What?”

Ron asserted, “We said we’d like you to be the new star of our series now that Harry’s gone.”

The eerie, rapturous smile on Snape’s face was the scariest sight Ginny Weasley had ever beheld. She shivered.

“Why, of course I’ll take poor Potter’s -er, I mean Harry’s- place!” he said with a ghastly grin that looked out of place on his sallow face. He rubbed his greasy hands together in anticipation. “Of course, I am perfect for the part, and Lord knows I deserve it, but it’s nice to have such insightful students as you three seeing it.” He beamed at them.

They shuddered.

“Er-Professor-“Hermione interjected anxiously. “The decision isn’t final, Professor, We’ve still got to consider everyone else’s…” but Snape wasn’t listening. He was muttering to himself like a gleeful madman on a power trip, “Of course, first thing I shall have that Defense Against the Dark Arts post, it’s only fitting…”

“Stop trying, Herm, you can’t get though to him.” Ron said gently. “Old git thinks he’s finally getting what should be his, “ he snorted.

“Ron,” Hermione said thoughtfully, “Are you sure we’ve gone over everyone?”

“I think so,” sighed Ron tiredly. "Who could we possibly have missed? We even got Neville for pity's sake.”

As Hermione excitedly smacked herself on the forehead, she exclaimed, "Oh, Ron! Why didn't we see it before?!”

“Eh?” Ron said stupidly. "See what before?"

“DRACO! We skipped Draco, Ron! He's perfect for the star! He's smart, (second to me only, of course), he's a seeker, I'll bet he knows loads about dueling and the dark arts, he's terrific at potions, and he’s got those sarky remarks…”

“And he’s so handsome,” sighed Ron, dreamily gazing off into space.

He shook himself as he caught Hermione looking at him oddly. “What! You girls are always on about how sexy he is!” he defended himself. He tried to change the subject. “Anyway, you know I only have eyes for you, Hermi,” he said in a low, seductive voice and leaned in close to Hermione, who closed her eyes and puckered up expectantly.

“Skip the mush, it’s about time you and that Mudblood realized I’m the only one good enough for the job.” drawled the voice of Draco Malfoy as he stepped out from behind the curtain.

“Draco!” Hermione blushed embarrassedly. “We weren’t danythi, we’re just,” she blustered.

“Yeah, I know. You’re JUST FRIENDS. Look, everyone knows you two are in heat for each other, why hide it?” he said lazily as he enjoyed the embarrassment stealing over their faces as they squirmed awkwardly under his gaze.

He grinned wickedly and shook a finger at both of them.

“Naughty, naughty, you’ll get caughty, trying to hide things from the infinitely superior Draco Malfoy. You know I can see through that thin façade of hate you two put up.” He said, his cold grey eyes an icy flame burning into their thoughts.

Draco walked over to Snape, who was by now trying to decide if he should wash his hair for his cover photo, and pushed him aside.

“Step aside, my good Snape. You’ve enjoyed your moment of glory. You’re out, and I'm in."

Snape gaped at him. "You can't do that! I'm the STAR!"

Draco sighed. “You didn't really think you'd get to play hero, did you? You may be good, but face it, I'm better. Much, much better in my case."

Snape looked like someone had taken away his favorite beaker.

“No! NO! You can't do that!" he cried hysterically, arms waving psychotically.

Crabbe piped up, "Yes, he can. We all agree with him."

“ONE HUNDRED points from Gryffindor!" Snape shrieked as he whirled around and pointed an accusatory finger at Crabbe.

Calmly, Crabbe pointed out, "I'm not a Gryffindor, Professor.”

The group moved to leave a deranged Snape to tear out his greasy hair.

“Now, Draco,” Hermione said smugly, “You DO know the rules right?”

Draco leered at her, “What rules? My wish is your command?” He grinned wolfishly.

Hermione frowned. “The Hero Rules of course. Oi, Ginny, do you have the rules? I thought I gave them to you.”

“Oh, yes, they’re right here."

Ron was shocked as Ginny brazenly reached inside her bra and pulled out a rolled up paper. “Here you go, Dracy,” she purred as she handed it to Draco.

“What?” she said to Ron, whose mouth was still gaping so far it touched the floor. "Harry's dead! A girl can't mourn forever!"

Draco consulted the list. "Hmmm…kill Voldemort, I guess I can add that to my “to-do” list, although Father isn't going to like it….win Quidditch matches, that'll be a cinch……..be lovable? Well, the girls, at least, can't resist me." He raised an eyebrow at Ginny, who simpered, and didn't notice Ron's fervent look in his direction, which was immediately checked by Hermione's forbidding look. “Use sword……well, I could get used to that……”He read on with a ho-hum bored look on his face and then stopped abruptly. Two spots of pink flared up in his cheeks as his face paled considerably. He threw the paper at them forcefully.

“Over my dead sexy body!"

“But, Draco, Harry was scheduled to do it!"

“And it’s the perfect warm, fuzzy ending to the series!"

Draco was deaf to their pleas as he stalked off in an unknown direction.

“Great. Just great.”

“Dunno why he was so upset about it anyway."

Ginny glared at them. "You could have been nicer about it. Maybe he would have stayed then!”

She ran off in Draco's direction calling "Dracyyyyy,” in a sickening sweet voice dripping with honey.

“Now what do we do?" Ron said in a hopeless voice.

“I’ve had it!" Hermione fumed. "The next person who walks by us is the star of the series.”

As the minutes ticked by, a faint sound could be heard mildly thumping on the pavement.

Trevor hopped by.

“Don’t even think about it.” Hermione said menacingly to Ron who had opened his mouth.

As they watched and waited the minutes ticked by and turned into hours. They were getting desperate. Suddenly they both felt a hand on each of their shoulders.

“Hi!” Brittany Spears said perkily from behind them. “I heard you had an opening!” she giggled, as she shook out her fake mane of hair extensions and stuck out her silicon body parts to their full advantage.

Ron shrugged. “We’re desperate.”

Hermione replied, “Not THAT desperate.”

And with that Hermione pulled out her wand as Ron said bye-bye-bye to Britney Spears.

Afterwards…

“Look, Ron,” Hermione said sensibly. “Why can’t we all just take turns being the hero? We can change every week. It’s the only solution.”

Ron’s eyes lit up. “All right. But I get to kill Voldemort!”

Hermione looked horrified. “Ron! Why would you want to do something as gruesome as that! Leave that to Draco or someone!”

“Draco! That ninny couldn’t kill a fly! Why, you saw how he couldn’t even be hero! Dunno what he was so mad about though, what’s so awful about giving Dumbledore a pair of socks for Christmas?”

Hermione said impatiently, “Who knows why he was mad, maybe he has a fear of socks.”

“Fear of socks? Whoever heard of a fear of socks? There’s something downright odd about him I tell you, I’ve always known he was a queer one…”

And they bickered off into the sunset.

Epilogue

Draco’s haunting thoughts:

[Flashback to the day someone had dared to cross Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius (raging and ranting threateningly):

“Do you know what caused a blemish on the name of Malfoy? A sock! That boy threw me a SOCK! If I ever catch you anywhere near a sock I’ll make you wish you were never born!!! Do you hear me! I’ll beat it into you! No one will ever dare to foul the name of Malfoy, I’ll

make sure you….”

*All fades to darkness with sobs receding in the background*

THE ENDJ