The Long and Ridiculous Monty Python Registration Part 2

Draco stretched lazily as the Muggle Studies teacher passed something out. His father would be upset to know that his son was in Muggle Studies instead of Astronomy, but with Professor Sinistra ill it couldn't be helped. Besides, Draco welcomed a chance to infuriate his father.

Slow down a minute. What is this packet that has appeared on my desk? Who is the teacher?

You'd know if you paid attention.

What can I say? I'm evil.

It's a questionnaire that you will fill out or you will receive--

No power on Earth could make me do it!

--a month's worth of detention from Professor Snape.

Father would kill me. Of course, he'll kill me anyway for dealing with Muggle things...ah, well. It's better to infuriate him by filling out a Muggle form than by suffering under the cruel regime of Snape.

1) What is your name? Draco Malfoy--MR. Malfoy to you

2) What is your address? Beats the hell out of me. We don't get mail by the Muggle postman. We live at the top of a hill--I don't even know if we have an address.

3) What is your hair colour? Blonde, but naturally red

4) What is your eye colour? Pale blue

5) What is your other eye colour? Slightly duskier blue, but don't tell Father.

6) What is your quest? To tweak the Mouldy Tail

7) What is your favourite colour? Green

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? African or European?

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way? Edmund Milky's wife had enormous tits.

10) What is the name of the princess? Zoot

11) Who was King Arthur? Graham Chapman in a dress

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg? Three minutes

13) How many fingers am I holding up? Forty-seven

14) What is the square root of twenty-five? Don't you get it? I went to public school.

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill? With a public education, I'll never have a job where I can earn a five-dollar bill.

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? Oh, I get it, you went to public school too!

17) How many goats have stood for parliament? A gaggle. Hey, this is a lot of fun!

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they? No.

19) Is this a trick question? Yes

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden? Yes

21) Have you ever been to Sweden? Yes

22) Do you know why God created Sweden? No

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? Yes

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually... Eat a banana.

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce? Yes.

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce? Yes!!!

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar--

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE. Why? I think it's cool!

28) Are you wearing underwear? Yes, of course

29) What colour is it? Oh, shut up. (It's pink.)

30) What type is it? Other, not permissible by law to answer.

31) Will you send it to me? Yes

32) Is it edible? Probably.

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Aww, I was just starting to like them!

33) Do you have a modem? What's a modem?

34) Is it wearing underwear? If I have one, then yes it is.

35) What was the answer to question eleven? L

36) What is today? March 12, 1995

37) Where did you get this questionnaire? Received it as a gift, and it's the best gift I've ever been given.

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time? No, but I wish I did.

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it? Yes, it was delicious.

40) Is this question redundant? No.

41) Is this question redundant? Yes.

42) Is this question redundant? Yes.

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? No.

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying? No.

44) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy? You have beautiful thighs, honey.

45) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear? No, thank you.

46) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place? I'm not that kind of girl.

47) What have I got in my pocket? The Holy Grail

48) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should. I'll have to pester Dad for it. It seems like fun.

~~~

Draco turned in his form and went off to the common room.

Hey, wait! What grade did I get on that form?

You haven't got one yet. It's nearly midnight. Go to bed.