Rita Skeeter's Scoop

Hi. Rita Skeeter here, Daily Prophet reporter, reporting to you from Hogwarts. I took the liberty of ferreting (actually beetling, but don't tell the Ministry) around Hogwarts and unearthing a few interesting quotes from various students. These should tell you what life around this school is like these days.

"Great. That was even worse than I thought. Of all the places that unspeakable git, Lockhart, could've retrieved his memory from, it had to be those books. He doesn't remember us--actually, that might be a blessing--and it's worse this time, because he doesn't know that he didn't actually do anything in his books. He's a fraud, and he doesn't even know it. And now he's trying to get Colin and Ginny to help him start a Harry Potter Fanclub...can my life get any worse right now? Don't answer that, Ron." -Harry Potter, Gryffindor Fifth Year, the boy-who lived (the boy-whose-life-just-got-a-whole-lot-worse).

"You'll never learn anything if you just copy my answers. If you sneak them and copy them anyway, I'll find out, and I'll tell Parvati Patil that you like her. Then she'll slug you. She believes batty old Professor Trelawney. 'Beware a red-haired man'--remember that? Ha! 'Beware a red-haired man' my arse! But that's not the point. The point is, if you so much as touch my homework, I'll use that Curse of the Bogies Quirrel told us about in our first year on you. I know it. And don't you give me that 'Know-it-all' look, Ronald Weasley! That was our homework assignment that day, to write it down. You'd know it too if you actually did your own HOMEWORK!" -Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Fifth Year, top of every class (a know-it-all for sure).

"Touch me again, and I'll blast you to smithereens--okay, I'll get someone else to blast you to smithereens. I mean it, Pansy! Buzz off! Go pester Draco for awhile!" -Gregory Goyle, Slytherin Fifth Year (big hulking boy who smells like a troll).

"Oh, go teach your grandmother to suck eggs!" -Argus Filch, Hogwarts caretaker, to Millicent Bullstrode, innocent Slytherin Fifth Year (innocent my ass, her parents are paying me to say that).

"Oh! Oh...oh, God, that was disgusting. Just--ew. Okay, that is definitely not natural. Hey, Hagrid, will you please tell your mome-raths to go mate somewhere else?" Ed A. Poe, Hufflepuff Third Year (tells us a little more than we needed to know).

"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/ did gyre and gimble in the wave./ All mimsy were the borogroves/and the mome-raths outgrabe. My God, this guy really was on opium, wasn't he?" -Ginny Weasley, Gryffindor Fourth Year, reading Through the Looking-Glass.

"The best leaders inspire by example. When that 's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too." -Severus Snape, Potions master (really attractive guy, too).

"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood." -Ron Weasley, Gryffindor Fifth Year, friend to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger (and driver of the infamous flying car that hit the Whomping Willow three years ago...maybe I should work that into something somehow), to Rubeus Hagrid.

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." -Edmond Brewer, Ravenclaw Second Year, observing the Ravenclaw Quiddich team practising (and doing horribly).

"It takes forty-three muscles to frown and seventeen to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face." -Vincent Crabbe, Slytherin Fifth Year, explaining why he looks like (a troll) he does.

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Mine might kill you." -Seamus Finnigan, Gryffindor Fifth Year (says it all, doesn't it?).

"Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea." -Lavender Brown, Gryffindor Fifth Year, to Seamus Finnigan (thanks for the confidence booster, honey).

"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know." -Alicia Spinett, Gryffindor Seventh Year, to (far-too-confident) Katie Bell.

"If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments." -Dean Thomas, Gryffindor Fifth Year, to Seamus Finnigan (again--boy, that kid needs help).

"It's lonely at the top. But it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom." -Draco Malfoy, Slytherin Fifth Year (and elitist git).

"If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone." -Pansy Parkinson, Slytherin Fifth Year, in response to Draco Malfoy (smart-assed little girl).

"Never assume what you're trying to prove, unless you're trying to prove that you're a bonehead."-Fred Weasley (or maybe George), Gryffindor Seventh Year, to Angelina Johnson.

"There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed." -Neville Longbottom, Gryffindor Fifth Year, to Dean Thomas.

"If you're not part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem." -Parvati Patil, Gryffindor Fifth Year, to Lavender Brown.

"Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you." -George Weasley (or maybe this is Fred), Gryffindor Seventh Year, to his brother.

"Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all the unhappy people." -Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, Transfiguration Teacher, Head of Gryffindor House (my, is this woman busy), suggesting to Albus Dumbledore.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed this! (I know I have.) I'll see you next time. Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter, signing off!