Lay Off the Deep-Fried Dobby

It all started when Harry was going into his seventh year. The Dursleys planned to celebrate never seeing him again by going to America. While they were at a bookstore, the bookstore happened to be holding a Harry Potter party celebrating the new book. Suddenly, the people at the party spotted the Dursleys.

Not liking the fact that the Dursleys were dressed like--well, like the Dursleys--they promptly tied them up and began whacking them with various imitation Quidditch equipment, including broomsticks, Snitches, Quaffles, Bludgers, and even a few Beaters' clubs. The bell at the door rang suddenly, and Rupert Grint walked in.

"Oh, my god!" shrieked one girl wearing a black choir robe, with round glasses and a feather stuck behind her ear. "It's Rupert Grint!"

"You bastard!" called another voice.

The girl clubbed him on the back of the head. "I told you never to repeat anything from that stupid show in public, ever, especially not in front of my friends!"

Soon, everybody was swarming around Rupert Grint, asking for an autograph, except the girl who had screamed out and announced his presence. She knocked him over the head with a Beater's club, tied him up, and threw him in the back of her car.

The doorbell rang again, and in walked Emma Watson. "What happened to Rupert?" she inquired. Within the span of a couple of minutes, the same fate befell her.

Daniel Radcliffe walked in as the girl was returning. "Um...what's going on in here?" he asked. After getting him to autograph the pictures Emma and Rupert had autographed, the pictures were laminated so that they would still be worth a thousand dollars in the future. The girl then knocked him over the head with the Beater's club, tied him up, and threw him in the back of her car.

J.K. Rowling walked in next, much to everyone's delight. After she had autographed every bloody Harry Potter book in the bloody store, the girl knocked her on the head and threw her in the back of her car.

"I'm going to go home and pin them to my wall with my other assorted Harry Potter pictures," she called out, and drove off.

When the Dursleys finally managed to return home, they told Harry what happened. Harry in turn told Ron and Hermione.

"Let's go rescue them," suggested Ron. "Well, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, and Daniel Radcliffe, anyway. I don't think J.K. Rowling sounds all that cool."

So they found the flying Ford Anglia and flew to the girl's house. The girl was so excited at seeing the flying Ford Anglia that she threw a stick into the engine so that the car crashed into her room. Then she pinned it to her wall, using very strong magnets.

Her brother came in and said, "Would you please stop? You're keeping me up all night because the people on your wall keep shouting 'Help us, help us, help us!' At least, until last night. Now you add 'beep, beep, beep, beep' to all the noise from that stupid car!"

Then Harry woke up. He was on the Hogwarts Express. "I've got to lay off those Chili flavored Every-Flavor Beans right before I take a nap," he muttered.

The train arrived at Hogwarts, and four people stood outside. One of them looked vaguely familiar. "I know you!" Harry said. "You're the kid who was in my dream who yelled at your sister for pinning Mr. Weasley's old car to her wall!"

"Yeah," said the boy. "You see, I am Ron's cousin, and Hogwarts is participating in a foreign exchange program. I am from America, and my sister would have a heart attack if she found out we were related to Ron." Abruptly, he changed the subject, perhaps unintentionally. "My head is magic resistant!"

Suddenly, one of the other kids, who was from Australia, cried out, "Crikey! I've got a French fry up my nose! D'you want it?"

Harry decided it was probably time to wake up again now.

Thankfully, he did wake up. Of course, he was a first year, and it was Christmas time. "I've got to lay off those Troll Boogie Every-Flavor Beans right before dinner," he muttered.

He went downstairs, and Ron gave him all his present. "By the way, Harry," he added, "here. This is from my cousin in America."

Harry opened it up and saw the complete collection of Harry Potter books. "I thought that was just a dream," he said.

Suddenly, Ron's arm exploded, and several snakes came out of his nasal cavity. Then Harry realized he was probably dreaming again. Blissfully, he woke up for the third time.

This time, he was sleeping on Ron's head. "That's it, I have got to be dreaming again." So he promptly woke up.

Suddenly, a tribe of baboons on flying goats burst in through the window and began attacking everybody in the dormitory. Harry woke up again and discovered Voldemort on his chest.

"Harry," he said in an odd voice, as though he was wearing a mask and breathing like a pervert, "I am your father."

"What?" gasped Harry, confused.

"Well," conceded Voldemort, "not really, but I played Darth Vader's stunt double in the original Star Wars trilogy, so I'm licensed to say that."

Harry pinched himself. The Beatles appeared and began flying around the room while singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". He pinched himself again, and the Monkees appeared. They began to sing "I'm a Believer" while taking the opposite path as the Beatles. Harry pinched himself a third time.

All of the bands and Voldemort disappeared. Dobby was the only one in the room besides Harry himself. "Hello, Harry Potter," said Dobby.

"Aah!" screamed Harry.

Dobby looked him in the eye. "This is the last dream Harry Potter will be having tonight. Dobby just wanted to tell Harry Potter that he ate too much deep-fried Dobby, sir."

"Deep--fried--Dobby?" said Harry slowly, trying to process what the odd little elf was telling him.

"But of course, Sir," Dobby replied. "What did sir think it was?"

"Chips?"

"And your Wheezy--Wheezy who is giving Dobby his sweater, Harry Potter--Wheezy is eating too much stewed Winky. We is running out of meat in the kitchens, Harry Potter."

Harry woke up, for real this time. He went into the bathroom and threw up every last trace of the deep-fried Dobby. When Ron found out, he hurled his stewed Winky, and Hermione burst into tears to think that the house-elves she had worked so tirelessly for had resorted to cannibalism. She threw all her S.P.E.W. badges down the toilet, and the letters could be seen clearly through the mess of vomit.

~Fin~