Harry Potter and the Layover from Hell

"Well, that was just oodles of fun. Let's never, ever do that again."

"Oh, do be quiet, Ron. That was the long leg, and we don't have to go through customs again. It's just a short hop from here to our next airport, then we're done flying until we go back."

"Which is..."

"November twelfth. Honestly, we've only been over this a hundred times..."

"I know when we're going back! I wanted to know what our next airport was!"

"Elizabeth City. You could have said..."

"It isn't my fault you don't listen properly!"

"Oh, now there's the grass telling the leaf it's green!"

"Would you two stop bickering? You're giving me a headache."

"Sorry, Harry."

"Er, I hate to ask, Hermione, but...what now? You're the only one who's flown in an aeroplane before..."

"We go to the Departures board and find our flight, then find out which gate it's at."

"Here, is this it?"

"No, Ronald, that's just for this particular gate. It will be several large television screens."

"Like these?"

"That's a security monitor."

"Over here, I've found it."

"Great! Er...are they all Departures?"

"No, the top row is Arrivals."

"How do you know?"

"You mean besides the big white letters that say ARRIVALS?"

"Oh, yeah. Oops."

"Ooh, he got you, Hermione."

"Shut up."

"If you two are quite finished? What's our flight number?"

"1095."

"I'm impressed, Ronald."

"It's right on the ticket."

"Guys..."

"Sorry. Oh, here! Flight 1095 to Elizabeth City leaves from Gate C27. Come on, we've got to get to the gate..."

"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!"

"Erm, Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"Er..."

"Crikey! We'd better hurry...it's leaving in ten minutes!"

"What?!"

"Er, Hermione?"

"What, Harry?"

"Did you forget to change your watch?"

"Huh?"

"We've changed time zones."

"So how long have we got? An hour?"

"We're in Chicago. They're on Central Standard Time."

"Which means...?"

"Erm...which means they're six hours behind us."

"WHAT?!"

"Er, yeah."

"Six hours. Well, boys...welcome to the Layover from Hell."

SIX HOURS...

"Is this Concourse C?"

"I think so...yes, there's the big letter C. Now, to find C27..."

"Maybe if we follow the numbers in order, we'll eventually find it."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Hermione! Never mind. Come on, let's go..."

"C11, C15...hey, what happened to C13?"

"Thirteen is unlucky, numbnuts."

"Says who?"

"C23, C25...here, C27."

"Oh."

"Now what?"

"Stake out our territory, I guess. The next plane isn't ours--it's going to Dallas."

"Where's that?"

"Texas, I think. Sort of further south than we want to go."
"Gotcha. Hey, let's sit by the window. We can watch the planes take off...and make fun of everyone walking by."

"I doubt we'll see anyone funnier-looking than you."

"Oho, look who's talking, furball!"

"Watch who you're calling furball, flatfoot."

"Rabbit."

"Freckle-face."

"Lard butt."

"Big nose."

"That's it. I am not listening to this for the next six hours, you two. Either cut it out, or I am going to chuck you out the nearest window. Got that?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Aye, aye, sir!"

"Oh, shut up."

"Ooh, oh, look, that plane's going to take off!"

"Where? Which one?"

"The little one there...the brown one."

"I see it...ha-ha, look at it go! Wait...what's it doing?"

"Taking off, Ronald."

"Shouldn't it be...I don't know...level with the ground?"

"It's not a broom, Ron. They can't just give a good firm push-off. It has to tilt like that. Ours did."

"Oh. Oh...oh...where's the bathroom?"

"Right across the hall, why?"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

FIVE HOURS...

"Anyone else hungry? My stomach says it's dinnertime."

"Well, it is lunchtime..."

"Where do you propose we eat?"

"You're kidding, right? We must've passed fifty restaurants just in this concourse. Pick one!"

"I think we're pretty limited in our choices. Pizza, burgers, or tacos?"

"What's a taco?"

"Meat, cheese, and lettuce on a tortilla, hard or soft."

"So the real question here is, what order do we want our meat, cheese, vegetable, and bread in?"

"Er...pretty much, yeah."

"I vote tacos. I've got a powerful craving for nachos."

"Fine with me."

"Let's go."

"C23, C22, C21, C20, C19--"

"Hallway--"

"C18, C17, C16, C15--"

"Cafeteria. Let's go."

"Er...what are you getting?"

"A number five."

"Er...okay. Harry, what are you getting?"

"A stomach-ache just looking at this stuff. I'm just going to get the number one combo."

"Er...okay...I think I'll get a number three."

"Okay, let's go...One seven, one three, one one, and three orders of cinnamon twists, please."

"What are cinnamon twists?"

"Dessert, I think."

"Thank you...come on, let's get our drinks and sit down."

"Hey, this isn't half bad!"

"Slow down, Ron. It's not your last meal."

"It might be if he doesn't stop kicking me."

"I'm not touching you!"

"Don't look at me...oh, hello, there, little fellow. Who belongs to you?"

"Oh, isn't she cute!"

"I bet someone's looking for you...what's your name?"

"Emmy!"

"Well, that's a pretty name. I'm Harry. Where's your mummy?"

"Emmy! Matilda Elizabeth Johnson, where are you?"

"Ma-ma!"

"Is this your daughter, ma'am?"

"Yes, yes. I hope she wasn't bothering you."

"Not at all."

"We'd better go...it's time for our flight."

"Bye-bye!"

"Bye, Emmy....Well. That was an adventure, now, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, scrrnf. This is really good."

"Here, Ron, you want the rest of mine? I really do feel like I'm going to be sick."

"Sure. You okay, mate?"

"Yeah, just...I'm not really used to spicy food."

"Remind me to have Mum make her chilli for you when we get home. Oh...er...maybe I'll look for the recipe and do it myself."

"Maybe Ginny and I will do it, Ron. Potions and cooking aren't that different, and let's face it, you're hopeless at Potions."

"Maybe."

"Ron? You okay?"

"Yes! I'm fine! Let's...look, let's just eat our whatever-meal-this-is, okay?"

FOUR HOURS...

"Okay...I spy, with my little eye...something that begins with C."

"Chairs."

"You got it! Okay...I spy, with my little eye...something that begins with M..."

"More chairs."

"Damn, you're good. Er...I spy, with my little eye...something that begins with E..."

"Even more chairs."

"And that's when I shot him, Your Honour."

"Hermione!"

"It's an old Star Trek episode! My parents are trekkies."

"They're whats?"

"Never mind, Ronald."

"What are you doing, Hermione?"

"Knitting. I have plastic needles, so I got them onto the plane. I thought I'd make us all something like scarves or sw..."

"Ah-hm..."

"Swwwweatsocks! Yeah, I mean, who wouldn't like a nice thick pair of sweatsocks?

"I remember Dumbledore used to say he'd rather have socks than anything else."

"Did he really?"

"All the time. I pilfered a pair of the socks you left for the house-elves once and sent them to him, from all three of us, for Christmas last year."

"Oh, Harry...that means there's one I couldn't free!"

"Er...about that..."

"You have to actually own a house-elf to free it, Hermione, so you couldn't do a whole lot."

"And...well, Dobby took most of them. He gave the rest to Winky."

"Why didn't you tell me? I'd've thought of something else!"

"Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Besides, you felt like you were doing something good. I kind of wanted to let you keep feeling that way."

"Which just proves that Harry is a much nicer person than I am."

"Why? You'd have rubbed my nose in it?"

"Nah. I wouldn't have said anything either, but that's just because I'd be afraid you'd eat me."

"I'd never eat you. Disembowel you, maybe, but..."

"Thanks, Hermione."

"Well, you're probably awfully gamey..."

"Hey, I'm perfectly edible!"

"Ego one, survival skills zero."

"Well, Aragog thought I was edible..."

"Aragog thought Fang was edible too. Actually, Aragog thought anything he could catch was edible."

"There is that. I'm starting to wish I'd gone down there with you the night he died...maybe he wasn't so bad after that."

"You'd have hated it. Even dead, I couldn't forget him ordering his children to kill us."

"I'm glad I wasn't there for that. I'd have panicked."

"I sure did."

"But then, you know what the Forbidden Forest is like, right, Hermione? You've been there three times as often as Ron and half as often as me."

"You talk as if that's something to be proud of."

"For you? Yes. For Ron? Definitely. For me? Eh...the jury's still out on that one."

THREE HOURS...

"Got any aces?"

"Nope. Go fish."

"Huh."

"Got any kings, Ron?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Got one!"

"Scum."

"Give me all your threes."

"Go fish."

"Nope."

"Hey, Ron."

"Yeah?"

"Give me all your aces."

"RRGH!"

"That's it for me, folks."

"Loser."

"Doesn't that bug you, Harry?"

"Nah. I know he's kidding."

"Gee, must be nice."

"I can kid with you too."

"Prove it."

"You're stunningly beautiful and men everywhere are falling at your feet."

"Really?"

"No, I was kidding."

"Ron!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Although I was sort of kidding."

"Sort of?"

"Well, I saw a guy checking you out a minute ago."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Then he sort of shook his head and snuggled up to his--"

"Girlfriend?"

"Boyfriend."

"Euck!"

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's just...a gay couple? Kind of makes me squeamish."

"...Why?"

"I don't know."

"Don't knock it till you've tried it."

"No, thank you. Heterosexuality is exciting enough for me."

"Did you know Lavender Brown is bisexual?"

"Get out! Who told you that?"

"I ran into Parvati Patil a few days back. She was looking at a PFLAG handbill...she told me."

"PFLAG?"

"Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. Parvati said she wasn't sure she wanted to support Lavender's lifestyle--her words, not mine."

"What did you say?"

"I told her a real friend would stick it out for her friend."

"And?"

"I think she went."

TWO HOURS...

"I don't believe it!"

"What?"

"She snores!"

"Be thankful we don't have to share a room with her. She's worse than Neville."

"Good old Neville. Wonder how he's getting on?"

"I spoke to him last week. He's fine. His Gran's shipping him off to Germany for the next few months."

"Are he and Luna...I mean, did anything ever come of that?"

"She's going with him, although Augusta Longbottom doesn't exactly know that."

"Good. Those two deserve each other...they'll take care of one another."

"Mmm."

"Just like us, right?"

"Yeah, Ron. Just like us."

"Hey, Harry?"

"Mmm?"

"How are we going to..."

"I was just wondering that myself. I guess it'll happen when it happens. We might never have to--we might never get the chance."

"Yeah."

"I doubt it, though."

"Harry?"

"Yeah, Ron?"

"I...I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared, Ron."

"You're not scared."

"Doesn't mean it's not okay to be scared."

"But why aren't you?"

"Because someone has to be strong for you and Hermione. And I'm the only one l...here."

"You can say it, Harry. You're the only one left."

"But you have your brothers..."

"But I need Mum and Dad. My brothers are great, but that's what they are, brothers. I need someone I can really depend on."

"Then you've got me."

"Thank you, Harry."

"No problem, mate."

"I miss Mum and Dad, though."

"I know, Ron."

"I feel...I dunno. It's like nobody else in the world understands me...like no one else could."

"Hey, Ron?"

"Yeah?"

"My parents are dead too."

ONE HOUR...

"Right, do we need to check in?"

"No. Hermione got the boarding passes for this trip back at Heathrow."

"Which boarding are we?"

"Dunno, she's got the passes."

"Should we wake her up."

"Probably. Hey, Hermione..."

"Mmm..."

"Hermione, time to wake up."

"Hmmm..."

"Let me try. Hey, Hermione, it's almost time for class and you still have to do that essay."

"Oh, no! I forgot!"

"Hermione, chill. We're at the airport. It's time to wake up."

"Are we boarding?"

"No, there's still time to go, but we were wondering when we board."

"Second boarding."

"And how long is this flight?"

"Two hours."

"You promise that's it?"

"Yes, Ronald."

"We've all got the same row, right?"

"Right, why?"

"You can sit in the middle, Ron."

"Thanks, mate."

"No problem."

"Harry, when we actually land, what do we do?"

"Catch the airport shuttle to the Greyhound bus station, take a Greyhound bus to Nags Head, then take a taxi to the beach house we're staying in."

"How far is the beach from the house?"

"Hermione, I don't know. I've never been there either."

"Oh, yeah."

"Is it going to be warm down there?"

"Dunno. It is autumn, so..."

"Hermione, your knitting is escaping."

"Oh, no!"

"It's just poking out of your bag. It's okay."

"Have you boys got everything?"

"Up to and including a headache."

"Good. Now, where did I put those tickets? Ah, here they are."

"Hey, is that our call?"

"Yep. Come on, guys. Next stop, Elizabeth City!"

~*fin*~