An American Professor

Staring up at Severus, Erin tried to form words. She wanted so badly to hug him. Her heart was in her throat and she thought she might burst if she didn’t tell him how much she missed him, but something about his stance caused her to swallow her words. Instead she tried to mirror his lack of emotion as she answered, “So, are you.”

His eyes were cold as he looked down at her, “I’ve been back.” And before she could ask him anything further, he sneered, “You look like you’ve been dropped in a vat of iodine. And where are the rest of your clothes? Did you forget to finish getting dressed this morning?”

Erin was taken aback. Why would he say something like that? Was it part of an act? But there wasn’t anyone around. She was so shocked by his attitude she was at a loss for words. He was criticizing her! They’d only been in one another’s presence for no more that five seconds and he was criticizing her! Maybe he did intentionally strand her at the train station. Erin felt her ire rising and was getting ready for a nasty retort when he cut her off again.

“We need to talk. Let’s go to my office.” And without another glance at her he turned and stomped down the stairs to the dungeon.

Nodding dumbly she followed him down the stairs to the dungeons. Even in the sweltering heat of the season, the dungeons were cold. By the time they reached Snape’s office, Erin was shivering uncontrollably. Afraid she wouldn’t get a word in edgewise, as soon as she’d settled in an armchair in front of Snape’s desk Erin asked, “How long have you been back?”

“I got here the day you left.”

Remembering her feeling on the train, she asked, “About what time?”

“I don’t know.” Waving his hand dismissively he pressed on, “Enough small talk, I need to tell you about the tests.”

“What tests?”

Sighing exasperatedly he leaned back against his desk and answered her as if she were a small child, “The tests to prove that you’re Voldemort’s daughter.”

“You don’t have to speak to me like I’m an idiot, I just wasn’t sure what you were referring to!”

Rolling his eyes, he crossed his arms across his chest and answered with a sneer, “Well, you’re not.”

Erin jumped to her feet ready to hug him despite his bad attitude, “I’m not?! Oh, my God! That’s the best news I’ve ever heard!”

Snape moved away from her to sit behind his desk leaving her to wrap her arms around herself. “I’m sure that it will come as some relief to Weasley, that is if you even told him about your possible parentage.” He glared at her solemnly.

“What? No, wait, Severus did you, I mean, are you referring to that article in the Daily Prophet? Surely you-”

“No, Erin, you wait. I’m tired of listening to you and I’m tired of playing your games. I should have known you were using me, and that you never really cared about me. I was just an interesting diversion in your little love games. Well, you and Weasley should be very happy together, living out your fake little lives. I don’t know what kind of spell you weaved over me, but being away from you for so long helped to clear my mind. I want nothing more to do with you.”

Erin knew that her mouth was hanging open, but she couldn’t seem to muster the strength to close it. His tone was so cold his words stung her very soul, but she refused to let herself cry in front of him, and instead lifted her chin and said in her most haughty voice, ‘You flatter yourself to think that I couldn’t find a better pawn for my love games. If you think that that’s the kind of person I am, well, then I guess you never really knew me to begin with, and I won’t let you waste anymore of my time. Thanks for remembering to pick me up at the train station last night. Poor Dumbledore is convinced that it just slipped your mind, wouldn’t it kill him to know you left me stranded intentionally? Well, don’t worry I’ll make sure he doesn’t ask you to do any more favors on my behalf. Oh, and have a nice life.”

Holding back her tears she stomped to his office door, and slammed it with all her might. Running up the slippery dungeon steps two at a time, she fell a few times and skinned both her knees. Holding her hand to her mouth she choked back a sob and continued on her way to her rooms. Reaching her rooms she stumbled inside and looked at her knees. They were both bloodied and ached from the falls, but she didn’t really feel them. The pain in her heart hurt much worse than the pain in her legs.

Sitting on the floor of her bathroom she cleaned up her knees and cried. While crying she prayed that by some off chance, Severus would come to her rooms to see if she was okay and they could sort all of this out. Even as she willed it, she realized that it wouldn’t happen. He was just as stubborn as she was, plus nothing she could say would convince him that she and Charlie weren’t an item. Besides, Erin, even at this point if you were to do something to show him that you weren’t with Charlie, he wouldn’t care. And do you really want to be with someone that petty and cruel?

Feeling at a complete loss, Erin just sat on the bathroom floor and stared into space. Her mind explored every possibility of how she could tell Severus the truth and get him to believe her. Each plan she devised she dismissed as futile. He’s as stubborn as a mule, and I’m not even sure that he’s worth all the effort. Gathering her strength, Erin moved into the sitting room and sat staring into the empty fireplace.

Does the fact that he doesn’t return your feelings change the way you feel about him? It certainly does make things a lot less complicated. He is still your professor, and even your friendship complicates the student teacher relationship, imagine what a romantic relationship would have done. Besides, he doesn’t trust you, and the fact that he thinks you’re such a terrible person shows that he doesn’t really know you, and well, maybe he isn’t ‘the one’.

Of course, now that you know the truth about your parentage you could be with Charlie. The only thing holding you back from him is the fact that you haven’t told him about your childhood. That won’t be so hard to tell him, if you just put aside your shame and foolish pride. It would definitely be a normal life, but do you love him, could you love him as more than a friend? With him it seems like you’re always trying to convince yourself that you should love him. You can’t make yourself love him just because you care for him.

With Sirius, there are definite sparks, but is it too much passion? You two fight all the time, it seems. It’s a definite love hate relationship at times, but can that work? It wouldn’t be fair to feel like you were settling. It isn’t fair for either of you. But would you be settling? If he hadn’t left so bitterly that one time, would you have gotten so close to Severus? You know that Sirius loves you, and it wouldn’t be fair to take advantage of those feelings.

Erin just didn’t know what to do. Feeling very alone and hopeless she lay down on her couch to think on it some more and soon escaped her indecision by falling asleep.

When she finally awoke it was to the feeling of sandpaper on her cheek. Erin rubbed her face trying to figure out where the sensation was coming from. As her eyes focused Erin saw Violet’s face hovering a few inches from her own and she shrieked. Violet jumped down and scurried under the bed. Erin jumped from the couch and followed Violet.

She knelt down and was trying to coax Violet from under the bed by apologizing and cooing to her. Her head was under the bed and her butt was in the air at a most unflattering angle when she heard a loud, “Ahem,” from behind her.

Jerking her head up fast, she hit the bed frame, “Shit!” she cursed before moving out from under the bed, rubbing her head. Standing in the doorway, Sirius smiled down at her in amusement.

Here we go again. Erin tried to assess what he was thinking, in other words if he was a hostile visitor or a friendly one. His amused smile faltered a little as he asked, “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“I’m trying to figure out if you're friend or foe,” she answered honestly.

Joining her on the floor, he asked, “Why would I be your foe?”

“Because of the newspaper thing.”

“I told you before I left that you didn’t have to wait for me. I just hope you and Charlie are very happy together.”

Do I tell him? Or do I just go ahead and let him think that I’m with Charlie? Why does this have to be so damn difficult! It’s worse when he’s right here, looking at me with those endless blue eyes. “Erin, you’re staring at me funny again. Did you hit your head too hard? And what happened to your knees?”

“I’m ok. I just had a couple of falls; you know how clumsy I am. I’m glad you stopped by. Harry said you wouldn’t be back for awhile.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning on visiting here for awhile. Despite my best effort to be chivalrous, I was pretty pissed about you and Charlie, and I didn’t want to see you. I know that it would be really hard to be with me. You need a normal life after the one you’ve had so far. I can’t give you that, but Charlie can.”

He’s starting to sell me on Charlie. No! Stop it, focus! Trying to avoid the subject of Charlie, she blurted, “Sirius, I’m not his daughter.”

His face was practically glowing, “I know, I already spoke with Dumbledore. I think it’s the best news I’ve heard in years. Can I still hug you? I mean, now that you’re practically married off and everything.”

Despite his attempt at humor, Erin noted the bitterness in his voice, before nodding dumbly. When he gathered her in his arms, the embrace felt so warm and inviting that she melted into him completely comforted by his touch. Nestling her head against his chest she heard his heartbeat quicken.

“Erin, I can’t speak for Charlie, but if you were my girlfriend I’d feel real funny about you holding another man the way you’re holding onto me right now. Not that I mind, but I thought it was worth noting.”

Sighing deeply she pulled back to stare him square in the eyes. “I’m not Charlie Weasley’s girlfriend. Guess you can’t believe everything you read.”

Waiting for his response she stared at him for several moments. When it became clear that he wasn’t going to answer, Erin extracted herself from his hug and stood up to cross to the window. “Did I just hear you correctly?”

“I’m not Charlie Weasley’s girlfriend,” she repeated flatly while staring out the window. The sun was just rising on the new day, and with a start Erin realized how long she’d been sleeping.

“Do you want to be?” he pressed.

“I don’t know.”

“Erin, this has gone on long enough. What do you want to do?”

“Sirius, I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Well, we’re going to have to talk about it sometime.”

Turning from the window, she shrieked, “Don’t you think that I am trying to figure it out? Despite what some people may think I do not enjoy this! Almost all of my thoughts are consumed by trying to figure out what is best for me, and what I want to do. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out, something gets thrown into the mix that changes everything. In my mind there are reasons why I should be with Charlie, there are reasons I should be with you, hell, now this will really kill you, there are reasons that I should be with Snape, but I don’t know what to do or who to be with or if I should be with anyone at all. I just don’t know where to start.”

“Well, I guess you could start by telling me how you feel about me.”

She plopped down on her bed and stared at Sirius in disbelief. “I told you that I really don’t want to talk about it.” The look on his face said that he wasn’t taking that as an answer, so sighing heavily she asked, “What do you want to know?”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes.”

“As more than a friend?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

Gesturing broadly, he asked, “Then what’s the problem?”

Heaving a big sigh, Erin let lose all of the reasons why she couldn’t be with him, “The problem is that you and I can never be together in public. We wouldn’t be able to go dancing, or have dinner, or even go for drinks together. If we were in love, we could never let people know it. We’d have to live our lives in secret, maybe for a while, but possibly forever. And I’ve seen your temper. It isn’t pleasant. I couldn’t handle your running out every time you got angry with me and leaving me not knowing if you would come back. And you do have to admit, I make you angry. I’m scared that, I don’t know..it's just, I don't think I could ever forgive myself if you left angry and something happened to you. I just, I don’t know-”

Kneeling in front of her, Sirius took her hands in his and spoke to her softly, “I understand that I really screwed things up when I left that way. I let my temper get the better of me. I promise that it won’t happen again. Just give me a chance, Erin, give us a chance. Let’s just try. I think that we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.”

Tears pouring down her face, Erin squeezed his hands and sighed, “I’m so scared, Sirius. I don’t want to lead you on, and I don’t know if I definitely love you as more than a friend. I don’t want to hurt you-”

“You don’t think it hurts me every day to be without you. Erin, it’s my heart that you’re afraid of breaking, and I’m giving you permission. I’ve got courage enough for both of us. Please, you know I love you, give yourself the chance to love me.”

“You say right now that you give me permission to break your heart, but we both know that it isn’t true. If we are romantically involved we will never be able to go back to being friends. It never ever happens that way, and you know it.”

“Erin, I haven’t had a serious romantic relationship in about a decade and a half. I don’t know anything about what may or may not happen if we don’t work out. But dammit, isn’t it worth trying? Yes, you may lose me as a friend, or we may be beginning the most fulfilling relationship of either of our lives. Sometimes you just have to let go and take a chance.”

When she didn’t reply he continued, “Erin, I can’t speak for those other two, but I can promise you that I love you right now, and there’s nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I don’t know that either one of the others have said that to you, but I can promise you that no matter what happens between us, I will always absolutely adore you.”

Meeting his eyes, Erin saw that he was also crying. Unable to find words she slipped off the side of the bed, and tried to search his soul through his eyes asking softly, “I just need a little more time. I know it’s asking a lot, but can you give me just a little more time to figure out how I feel about you?”

He sighed, “Erin, I’ve given you a lot of time. I just don’t know how much longer I can wait.”

“Sirius, that sounds to me like a man in lust, not like a man in love.”

“Is it so terrible that I lust for you?”

“I’m not saying that it’s terrible, I just don’t think it’s enough. Just give me until the start of the school year to figure out what I should do, and if I haven’t decided by then, then I’ll cut you loose.”

“I don’t want to be ‘cut loose’ I want you. I want to be with you. I can’t give up on that. What are you trying to decide? If you love me, Severus, or Charlie? I can help you there, Charlie’s a nice guy, but you’d get bored with him, where’s the excitement? I mean, sure he works with dragons, but what is that going to get you, except a man with a bunch of hideous burns and scars, not too appealing if you ask me.”

“And yet nobody did.”

Ignoring her he continued, “Snape, well, come on Erin. Have you looked at him lately? The man spends all of his time in the dungeons. He has terrible personal hygiene, I mean, yuck. He rarely smiles, he’s got no sense of humor, how could you love someone like that?”

Bringing up Severus brought a painful stab to her heart. “Severus isn’t interested in me at all. He told me so today. We had a rather nasty fight, and he said he doesn’t want anything more to do with me, even as friends.”

“I can’t believe that he gave up that easily after the way I saw him look at you that night he left, but I’m not complaining because after all it works out better for me. That means, I’m really only competing with Charlie for you.”

Erin was silent for a moment staring thoughtfully at Sirius. “What do you mean, the way he looked at me?”

“Just the typical, ‘The world could come crashing down on us right this second and that would be ok with me as long as I’m here with you’ look. The look I give you all the time.” He added.

“You sound so blasé about it. Anyway after the fight we had I think the only look he’ll be giving me is the ‘I hate your stinking guts, I wish you’d drop dead’ look.” Erin said sarcastically.

Sirius pulled away from her and stood up to sit on the bed remaining silent for a moment. Finally he asked quietly, “You were going to choose him, weren’t you?”

The question cut through her like a thousand sharp knives. Would she have wanted to be with Severus if he hadn’t acted so nasty to her? Plopping down next to Sirius, she knew each second she took to answer he was thinking the worst.

“Sirius, I don’t know. When I came back to Hogwarts from Miami, I was really starting to think Charlie was definitely not the one for me. I’ll admit that life with him would be so much simpler, not to mention he’s not bad to look at, and we do get along extraordinarily well. Even when I try to get him to fight with me, he won’t. I realized that while he’s a terrific person, he’s not someone that I could feel passionately about, and I don’t want to make myself love him.

“As for you and Severus, I wasn’t really sure. That’s the honest truth. I can’t make Severus change the way he treated me, but if I could I guess that I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t be with him. However, I can’t make him believe me, and that means he doesn’t trust me, and where there is no trust there can be no love.

“With you I can get past all of the fugitive from the law stuff because I know how amazing you are. The way you act about Harry convinced me that you are a sensitive, caring man. You’re fun, and I need to be with someone who makes me laugh, but you do have that wicked temper.

“Anyway, the fact that you are a big enough person that even when you thought I was with another man, you got over being pissed off, and wanted to see me anyway speaks to my soul. You believed me when I told you I wasn’t with Charlie. But, you did say something that makes me worried.

“What was that?” he questioned.

“You mentioned that you were competing with the other two. I need to think about that Sirius. I know it was just a simple off-handed comment, but I think subconsciously you were saying more.”

“Erin, don’t let a stupid, foolish comment ruin our chance at happiness together,” he complained.

Standing up, and moving to the window Erin answered, “I just need to think about all of this a little while longer. Sirius, I understand if you can’t wait any longer.”

Sighing deeply, he stood and walked to her putting his arms around her from behind, “I can’t wait a little while longer, just don’t make me wait forever.”